Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2020 0:53:15 GMT -5
Just venting. I'm having the type of night where everything my refusing partner says or does makes me angry. The type of night where I wish I had a time machine and could warn my past self of what is to come. The type of night where I feel so trapped and lonely it is just a little overwhelming.
I'm not sure what triggered it, but I just feel a lot of negative emotions today more than usual. Tomorrow will be a better day.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 1, 2020 8:15:25 GMT -5
Just venting. I'm having the type of night where everything my refusing partner says or does makes me angry. The type of night where I wish I had a time machine and could warn my past self of what is to come. The type of night where I feel so trapped and lonely it is just a little overwhelming.
I'm not sure what triggered it, but I just feel a lot of negative emotions today more than usual. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Been there, brother. It's like snow accumulating on a mountainside. It keeps getting heavier and heavier until avelanche. Once the sound and fury subsides, it's back to accumulation mode again. Wash, rinse, repeat. Hang in there, man.
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Nov 1, 2020 8:38:36 GMT -5
Hey @cincyguy Sometimes it doesn't take much (or seem to anyway) to trigger those overwhelming feelings. It's just crap when they all catch up on you isn't it. You're right that tomorrow might be a better day but in the meantime, I dunno what to tell you other than you're heard and empathised with here.
Do you mind me asking, what would you do/say if you found that time machine?
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DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Nov 1, 2020 19:18:27 GMT -5
Do not think you are alone!
It goes in cycles here too.
My wife can give all the quick “I just thought I’d give you a quick kiss” situations as she did today. Go to bed tonight and she’s got her back to me and fast asleep. Nothing.
I just can’t respond anymore, I find myself freezing when she comes near me. Because I know I’m going to be angry later when nothing happens. It’s how it’s been for years and years.
I even told her earlier today....... “why, it leads to nothing”, she said to not be like that. Like what exactly? What excited then let down for the ten billionth time? I’d rather “not”.
She knows how I feel. I’m a calm man but tonight laying here next to a “back” I’m boiling inside. So you are not alone in suddenly feeling angry. I’m there too.
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Post by jerri on Nov 2, 2020 4:00:40 GMT -5
Just venting. I'm having the type of night where everything my refusing partner says or does makes me angry. The type of night where I wish I had a time machine and could warn my past self of what is to come. The type of night where I feel so trapped and lonely it is just a little overwhelming.
I'm not sure what triggered it, but I just feel a lot of negative emotions today more than usual. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Most everything you wrote points to depression>mood swings= depressionIrritation leading to anger. Wanting to escape Feeling overwhelmed Feeling trapped can also lead to suicidal ideation. It could also be the realization of your circumstances leading to the grieving process? Anger is very valuable. Pay attention to it before you hit the downhill cyclone of apathic melancholy
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 2, 2020 7:31:43 GMT -5
Do not think you are alone! It goes in cycles here too. My wife can give all the quick “I just thought I’d give you a quick kiss” situations as she did today. Go to bed tonight and she’s got her back to me and fast asleep. Nothing. I just can’t respond anymore, I find myself freezing when she comes near me. Because I know I’m going to be angry later when nothing happens. It’s how it’s been for years and years. I even told her earlier today....... “why, it leads to nothing”, she said to not be like that. Like what exactly? What excited then let down for the ten billionth time? I’d rather “not”. She knows how I feel. I’m a calm man but tonight laying here next to a “back” I’m boiling inside. So you are not alone in suddenly feeling angry. I’m there too. I was all too glad to give my wife grand gestures of physical affection that I knew would not lead to sex and revel in them. I loved my wife, and sex wasn't important. It was easy to become her perfect husband. Just as soon as I'd gone on my first date. Starting to open our marriage did wonders for it. (It never actually opened, but it sure gave "The Talk" some real teeth and the dam broke) As baza says, check with legal to see how it falls out for you cuz my approach may be the "opening" some refusers are hoping for/dreaming about. Not being chained to her voluntary celibacy liberated my love for her.
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Post by jerri on Nov 2, 2020 14:16:05 GMT -5
Do something you like for you. Maybe dancing? Get videos online and start by yourself. After Covid lifts go to a studio alone. My mentor connected with females and got fellowship and touch. Were you assertive in telling her you felt lonely? If not for you, maybe someone else. solitarysoul
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Post by alwaysdenied on Nov 4, 2020 12:49:34 GMT -5
I completely understand. I'm not near in the camp as many here are because I may get some every other month or so. But I've gotten to the point where I don't even push it anymore. She's going through the big change and now it's even worse. The problem is she talks about the past like she was some sex machine. She wasn't. In fact, outside of lube, there isn't any real difference. When I do get 'lucky' I'm expected to magically get hard and be gentle and somehow get her to enjoy it without any touching or especially no oral given to her. Her rules have made it beyond a chore that I don't even enjoy outside of the task of orgasm. I'm not fooled into thinking she likes me or is attracted. She's comfortable with me and that's it.
I used to get fiery mad at being denied. But now I am more than happy to let her go to sleep so that I have the whole house to myself (once the kids go to bed). There's not a damn thing I can do to make her attracted or enjoy me. So I've decided to just work on myself. I've lost all my lazy fat and down to my high school weight. Just counting the years till the kids graduate and I have more options. Don't be upset, learn to not expect it or even care. It's a bitter pill, but it does work once you come to terms with it and make a long term plan. With a little discipline in your life, you can do anything in the now. Start building for life outside the escape pod if you feel trapped currently. Keep it secret and work on you. Focus inward. Enjoy the few times she may have some sort of feeling for you in her cold bitter heart, but realize it's as fleeting as a fart and not the norm.
And understand you are not alone. She will gaslight you into believing you are the problem, etc. You aren't. It's perfectly natural to be triggered over vows you made being truthful while she had her fingers crossed. Every time you feel like that, go work on your escape pod in secrecy. And don't be fooled unless somehow things change which you probably have a better chance of winning the next powerball without playing.
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Post by Handy on Nov 4, 2020 17:54:00 GMT -5
Alwaysdenied, you are a mind reader. I am in the same situation but no every other month sex. That ended several years ago.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2020 19:54:27 GMT -5
Hey @cincyguy Sometimes it doesn't take much (or seem to anyway) to trigger those overwhelming feelings. It's just crap when they all catch up on you isn't it. You're right that tomorrow might be a better day but in the meantime, I dunno what to tell you other than you're heard and empathised with here. Do you mind me asking, what would you do/say if you found that time machine?
I think if I had the theoretical time machine I would make many different choices. Obviously these don't exist and I have to deal with the hand I took, but it's something I like to ponder about as a sort of daydream.
One thing is for certain - when I was young, I would have dated far different people. I tended to always go for the most physically attractive girl I could get at the time regardless of how much we had in common or how we got along. I was a complete moron and got hurt more often than not with these types of women.
I had many girls in my late teens and 20s make it obvious that they were interested in dating me. Being the idiot that I was, some of them I wouldn't give the time of day to because I wasn't super physically attracted to them. Now in middle age, I realize looks and appearance are a complete facade. I would much much rather be with a person that I clicked with and who wanted physical intimacy with me regardless of her appearance. I've been so lonely being married to a girl that I physically fell for that appearances mean basically nothing to me now. Going back in time with this knowledge...it's an interesting thought experiment.
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Post by lessingham on Nov 8, 2020 4:57:10 GMT -5
One of those mornings. I am so horny and so rejected again. The "what's the point" moment looms again
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Post by jerri on Jan 11, 2021 3:14:48 GMT -5
During extended lovemaking, however, water-based lubes dry out. Apply more, or refresh them with water or saliva. They rinse off easily with water. Welcome, AliceLacey😀
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jan 26, 2021 9:00:49 GMT -5
@cincyguy - i feel you brother. I have been there SO MANY times. I am back here after a long time because I had another one of "those nights" last night. For me, I have a weight set in my basement and when I have one of "those nights" I go down and work out my frustrations. The emotions give me the energy to have a very intense workout and I always feel better afterwards. I reward myself with a glass (or two) of wine while everyone is asleep then crawl back into bed for 2 or 3 hours of sleep.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2021 16:31:37 GMT -5
I completely understand. I'm not near in the camp as many here are because I may get some every other month or so. But I've gotten to the point where I don't even push it anymore. She's going through the big change and now it's even worse. The problem is she talks about the past like she was some sex machine. She wasn't. In fact, outside of lube, there isn't any real difference. When I do get 'lucky' I'm expected to magically get hard and be gentle and somehow get her to enjoy it without any touching or especially no oral given to her. Her rules have made it beyond a chore that I don't even enjoy outside of the task of orgasm. I'm not fooled into thinking she likes me or is attracted. She's comfortable with me and that's it.
I used to get fiery mad at being denied. But now I am more than happy to let her go to sleep so that I have the whole house to myself (once the kids go to bed). There's not a damn thing I can do to make her attracted or enjoy me. So I've decided to just work on myself. I've lost all my lazy fat and down to my high school weight. Just counting the years till the kids graduate and I have more options. Don't be upset, learn to not expect it or even care. It's a bitter pill, but it does work once you come to terms with it and make a long term plan. With a little discipline in your life, you can do anything in the now. Start building for life outside the escape pod if you feel trapped currently. Keep it secret and work on you. Focus inward. Enjoy the few times she may have some sort of feeling for you in her cold bitter heart, but realize it's as fleeting as a fart and not the norm.
And understand you are not alone. She will gaslight you into believing you are the problem, etc. You aren't. It's perfectly natural to be triggered over vows you made being truthful while she had her fingers crossed. Every time you feel like that, go work on your escape pod in secrecy. And don't be fooled unless somehow things change which you probably have a better chance of winning the next powerball without playing.
Ah, the big change. The final answer to the question you've been asking all these years. I was in the every other month or two club and then.....menopause. Done.
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Post by saarinista on Feb 1, 2021 18:17:56 GMT -5
Listen, if a post menopausal wife wants to have sex, she will find a way (hormone topical cream, lube or just sucking up a bit of discomfort) to make things work.
If she doesn't care, she will use menopause as an excuse.
As a post-menopausal refused woman, that is my take. My parts might not work quite as well as they used to, but they're not broken. Desire/resolve plus a little patience will smooth over many shortcomings.
Sure, there are doubtless some people with serious genital issues that can't be fixed easily or at all, but even then, there is oral, fantasy, a lot of stuff a person can employ if they wish to be sexual. If they DON'T desire that they will use age as an excuse.
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