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Post by ironhamster on Oct 14, 2020 21:44:20 GMT -5
It's your move, maryfbex . You are here because you are not comfortable with life as it is, now. I hope you find happiness, and your husband does, too, but, you need to move this situation forward if you want it to change. Honest conversation is the most honorable way to proceed, even if it is painful. I took the path of risking blowing up my marriage, because I couldn't take the status quo. I have another good friend that was in a similar situation, and four years later he has his room and his porn and his wife has hers, and that is how they choose to live, not moving forward. In my case, I moved forward and my marriage did blow up, and on the other side of it there is more opportunity for love and great sex than I can begin to describe to you.
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Post by scullion on Nov 15, 2020 1:34:34 GMT -5
Divorce
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 15, 2020 8:43:13 GMT -5
Hmmm, it would seem that we scared off maryfbex. If her goal was just to vent then I wish her well.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 15, 2020 10:24:18 GMT -5
Hmmm, it would seem that we scared off maryfbex . If her goal was just to vent then I wish her well. it's only been a couple of months so she may be just lurking to gage the feedback, but it's often the case people post once or not at all and are never seen again.
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Post by jerri on Nov 15, 2020 12:14:32 GMT -5
Maybe we made her skin crawl!😂 <Tip toes away>
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 15, 2020 18:26:02 GMT -5
I suspect a lot of people come here and read but never post once. In doing that, she was brave enough.
Early in my marriage, my wife frustratedly unloaded on me about a problem she was experiencing. I listened, and, once I had the data I needed I gave her a possible solution. She glared at me, and told me in no uncertain terms that she didn't want me to solve her problem. She just needed to vent.
So, even though it seems incomplete, maybe this was just a venting. Maybe she lost her login. She had a tragic but interesting story, and I hope she finds a way to write a new chapter. Life is too short for shitty sex and bad relationships.
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Post by petrushka on Nov 15, 2020 18:58:35 GMT -5
If you want to go to the flea market with him. Just ask, it really helps to be assertive. For a while, I really pulled away from my H because I didn't want to give my time to someone who wasn't into me. My best friend gave me a book and said, just let go of it, him. Live your life, you are missing out. Why have a constant reminder tagging along with you?!? It hurts! Why not go to on a hike and have someone flirt with me? I personally liked it when I went to the coffee shop and someone looked at me with lust. It let's you know at least others enjoy looking me in a dress. For those few men who crossed my path and let me know that I was desirable, thanks, it lifted my spirit! It matters a lot less to me now that I have someone who is fun in the bedroom and who loves to touch. I was amazed when I went out on a date with Sexless Man and he reached and touched my hand and shoulder and gave me a big hug! I was delighted! It's sweet when I walk by and he slaps my tush!
Good for you, jerri , that you react the way you do -- appreciate admiration and let it make you feel good. A while back I was sitting in the room with my sister-out-law and her daughter, my niece. They were grumbling and grizzling about how you can't go out of the house without men hitting on you. I remember years back when I was in the doldrums about my sexless marriage and tried to talk to the same SiL about it, and she just shot me down: "you have a good marriage there, what good is sex after all". She didn't want to talk about it. Do I dare surmise about my brother-out-law's affairs? (double entendre intentional).
What can you do about attitudes like that? Nothing I think. If someone doesn't want to enjoy x, y, z, you can't make them. If someone wants to take appreciation and a compliment as harrassment, nothing you can really do about it, because it's probably deep-rooted.
The OP's story is so sad, it's heartbreaking. Her passivity has allowed her to land herself in a situation she didn't want to be in. What's so hard about saying 'no, sorry, not interested'? It doesn't take THAT much initiative. Result: a miserable marriage with two depressed people (well at least one). Seriously, who would marry someone else who 'makes their skin crawl'? That is just twisted. Hell, I don't even let people into my friend zone unless it makes me happy to see them, and it visibly pleases them to see me. Never mind passively let them fuck me and hope they go away.
I must say, it was Mr. Fireman's own failure to not pick up the vibe straight off the bat ... I know I would've run for the hills.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 15, 2020 19:58:54 GMT -5
petrushka, regarding the fireman's mistake, I think that is common. I was listening to mirrororchid 's podcasts this week, and he mentioned a monologue in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, where he discusses Cameron. Cameron is a virgin, and is destined to marry the first woman that he has sex with because he believes that is the end all be all of existence, and she will treat him like shit because she won't have any respect for him. Words of wisdom, even if I have butchered them. I should have listened more closely to the movie, and the fireman even moreso.
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Post by petrushka on Nov 15, 2020 20:36:55 GMT -5
I believe it was said that Mr. Fireman already had kids (or a kid). So he was not an inexperienced virgin. I'm sure we all are clueless as we work our way into sexual politics and gather experience. But once you've done it for a bit, you should be able to distinguish between good, great, and god damned lousy.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 16, 2020 5:38:17 GMT -5
tried to talk to the same SiL about it, and she just shot me down: "you have a good marriage there, what good is sex after all".
Empirically. She's right. The visceral, primitive satisfaction that comes of physical acceptance of our corporal bodies is a character flaw. But being honest you have this flaw and self-acceptance will produce better connections with people. Those that experience no intense serenity from intimate contact are well without our like. We are their inferiors and we'd appreciate they're not trying to keep our company for extended lengths of time, lest we make them miserable and ourselves in the process.
If someone wants to take appreciation and a compliment as harrassment, nothing you can really do about it, because it's probably deep-rooted.
Jerri's appreciation of her lover's bawdy gestures and a woman's displeasure with a stranger's unsubtle description of lust can evoke dissimilar reactions. Thus far, ladies typically disapprove of overt expressions of lust. Such things are to be prefaced by efforts to bond a different way first: intellectually, emotionally, through work or activity. Is this commonplace societal expectation ingrained? Yes, and not just by those that feel harassed but also by those that restrain themselves when instinct might prod us to comment on a woman's physical appeal.
I note as well the same lewd remark can evoke feelings of shock, revulsion, and sometimes fear from one man and reciprocal lust depending upon the appearance of the voice that said it. That said, those that can get away with highly forward comments may do equally well with more innocuous inquiries.
'no, sorry, not interested'? It doesn't take THAT much initiative.
It depends on the person. Our dear OP may have an extreme level of difficulty with boundaries. Upbringing may produce feelings of self-worth that do not produce the self-confidence needed to respect one's own desires, prompting some to cave to societal expectations. She may have been persuaded to pair up this way because outward appearances made such a decisions sound s very smart to her friends, family, and confidants. She trusted them more than herself. Shame about one's own lack of self-confidence, inability to set boundaries, and bad decisions made at others behest only exacerbates a difficult journey to understand what it is like to value your own wishes. You and I have no issues with self-worth. Mine may be a bit out of proportion, truth be told. Humility is my opposite struggle.
Maryfbex. Regretting life decisions is brutal;. I have some dillies myself. I hope you're well.
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