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Post by maryfbex on Oct 11, 2020 7:46:44 GMT -5
Hello. I just joined. I'm 58. I've been married for 28 years. I had two small children when I met my husband. We have four between us. Three girls, Three boys in total. One left bat home now, my 16 year old son. I was Not Attracted to my husband At All when I met him. I Was Not looking to get married. This is going to sound pathetic and it IS, but I thought if I just let him have sex with me, the first time, he'd go away. He didn't. It was awful for Me. I felt Nothing, physically or emotionally. I just wanted it to be over. Then, I tried telling him that, being Catholic, I didn't believe in living Together, which was actually true. I thought That would get rid of him because years earlier I had made the mistake if mentioning it to a guy I Was Interested in. That guy was gone! Well, not so my husband. He bought an engagement ring within days I believe and kind of just pushed it over to me. I wanted to say No, but didn't (?)!!! My father said that it didn't really matter if he "wasn't my type" or attractive to me. He was a Good Guy,ba Firefighter, Steady, etc. And that love can develop. Also, who else is going to marry a woman with two kids already. Well, We got married about a year later. I was numb the. Whole time. Anyway, timer passed. Now, it's 28 Years later. Yes, we've had four children, but I Never "enjoyed" the act or got much out of it. I came to realize it was a combination of him feeling like my brother (sad), just a roommate (sad), and His Anatomy. (saddest if all). At one point, we hadn't had sex at all for six years. Then, we did. It was horrible, as usual. I got nothing out of it. Luckily, it was over very quickly, as usual. That was almost four or five years ago now. Anyway, he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble, Nothing, which is a bit boring! He's not physically abusive at all. I Will Say, he has no personality at all and doesn't know how or want to really communicate. My oldest daughter is a Mental Health Counselor and she said you can not change personality and his is Not compatible with mine. I'm really an Extrovert, at least I used to be. Now, I'm becoming more like him, boring. I don't go out. I don't shop anymore. I don't have my own money or a working car. It's not that he cares what I do, it's that he never has money for anything other than bills. I blame myself. Now, I'm Depressed, have been for years, on medication, but it doesn't help much lately. I hang out in the bedroom, he in the living room or he goes to flea markets, etc. Without me. I used to feel resentment and complain to my kids, but now I just feel numb. He makes my skin crawl. I do not miss having sex with him. I DO Miss Love Making with a man who actually makes me Feel Something! I'll never cheat. That's not right. We just go along. I try not to bring up any topics if importance anymore. He just gets defensive. We've tried counseling. I'll survive, but the last few months,it's gotten harder. I miss physical contact, not even sex, just physical contact!! I cry most days. I feel like I trapped myself here and it's true.
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Post by Handy on Oct 11, 2020 8:02:50 GMT -5
Maryfbex, welcome to the forum. Your situation has some usual problems and some unusual elements.
Wait until someone better than me to give opinions to some of your situations
Your daughter is correct, people don't normally change so your husband (H) is likely not going to change anything about his personality or activities.
I will say or guess this is also difficult for him to live like this. It is usually the H that finds a forum like this.
We like hearing both sides and are fairly non judgmental so stick around.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 11, 2020 9:21:16 GMT -5
maryfbex sounds dead. How about getting a job?
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 11, 2020 10:45:57 GMT -5
maryfbex, it sounds like you’ve made yourself a pretty unpleasant bed. Your story illustrates the fact that even the spouse who doesn’t have desire is unhappy about the state of the marriage. There’s another side to this story, though - the impact your choices have on your husband. I could be the guy in this story. It’s absolutely soul-crushing to never be ‘good enough’ for your spouse to desire you. Over time, the resentment really sours the rest of the relationship, and leads to the behaviors you see with poor communication and lack of desire to improve. (I.e., there’s a good chance he’s a better person than your relationship encourages him to be.) I don’t think there’s shame in being mismatched, but living in denial and misery is not a solution - especially if you aren’t honest with your spouse and they’re denied the right to make an informed decision. The real crime here is failing to fix a mistake. You get one life. So does he. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? (Which, by the way, will include even more time together after he retires.) A firefighter who’s loyal and lacks vices... it sounds like you’ve taken a good man off the market and just put him on a shelf. If he aspires to a more intimate relationship, there is surely a woman out there who would value his qualities. (And in a different relationship dynamic, he may well develop the communication skills, etc., that you see lacking.) I’ll agree with saarinista... you need to find work, and you need to figure out your own transportation. Your 16-year old doesn’t need you at home, and you need to build your own independence. Then, from what you describe here, you need to use that independence to start a new life. It doesn’t have to be a bitter, expensive divorce, but it sounds like you desperately need a different relationship, and he deserves better too.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 11, 2020 12:05:52 GMT -5
Well said, DryCreek. This marriage does no one any favors. I still say getting a job is a good idea. Any job.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2020 13:03:02 GMT -5
maryfbex, thanks for taking the time to post and give your side of the situation. It is always good for me (the one being refused intimacy) to hear why the other side (the one refusing intimacy) makes his or her choice.
Your wording of your post title is interesting - "My husband has always made my skin crawl". It sounds like he was never your first choice and you have resentment finding yourself in a marriage with him at the later stages of your life. You don't just have a mild amount of resentment either, but enough to make your skin crawl. Perhaps you are left wondering about what could have been with the guy you were interested in and have not been able to let that go.
Your husband probably does not know you find him so boring or without personality. He probably thinks that the things you find boring in him are otherwise positive attributes in a grown man. I would however venture a guess that he realizes you find him unattractive and is just as unhappy in the marriage as your are. If how you described him in your post permeates into how you interact with him in daily life, he is probably in a downward spiral of self-doubts and sadness. I also guess that he knows the relationship is broken but is hanging in there for his own personal reasons - your children, a sense of duty, not wanting to fail, thinking he can still fix it, etc.
Some of us are stuck in similar situations because it's a choice between a known bad situation and an unknown situation that could be better or worse. Because you know that you are not happy and don't seem to think you could ever be happy with him, please have the courage to let him know that the relationship is over. If he makes your skin crawl and it's because of simply being who he is, I don't believe there is a fix for it. A change is necessary for both of you. I think he would appreciate you being honest with him, even if the conversation is difficult to have.
I wish you luck and best wishes on the situation with your husband.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 11, 2020 13:22:15 GMT -5
I couldn’t agree with you more DryCreek. Especially the part about taking a good man off the market. I’ll admit to a fair bit of anger upon reading this post. I decided it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to respond. Thank you for putting my thoughts in writing. maryfbex- my hope is that you take what the guys are saying here to heart. Start with an honest and vulnerable conversation. Your husband deserves at least that.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2020 17:00:23 GMT -5
Mary's post reflects what I've long said: If your partner won't have sex with you it may be because they never have been sexually attracted to you but married you and stayed with you for other reasons.
As for Mary: Unless you want to continue a miserable life, see a lawyer and find out how divorce would shake out; get a job and explore ways of entertaining yourself without your husband. It's your life, your choice. Thus far, you've chosen to live in misery. You don't have to continue to do that.
Also ask yourself: What are you getting out of staying with a man whose touch makes your skin crawl?
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Post by jerri on Oct 11, 2020 18:27:52 GMT -5
Hello. I just joined. I'm 58. I've been married for 28 years. I had two small children when I met my husband. We have four between us. Three girls, Three boys in total. One left bat home now, my 16 year old son. I was Not Attracted to my husband At All when I met him. I Was Not looking to get married. This is going to sound pathetic and it IS, but I thought if I just let him have sex with me, the first time, he'd go away. He didn't. It was awful for Me. I felt Nothing, physically or emotionally. I just wanted it to be over. Then, I tried telling him that, being Catholic, I didn't believe in living Together, which was actually true. I thought That would get rid of him because years earlier I had made the mistake if mentioning it to a guy I Was Interested in. That guy was gone! Well, not so my husband. He bought an engagement ring within days I believe and kind of just pushed it over to me. I wanted to say No, but didn't (?)!!! My father said that it didn't really matter if he "wasn't my type" or attractive to me. He was a Good Guy,ba Firefighter, Steady, etc. And that love can develop. Also, who else is going to marry a woman with two kids already. Well, We got married about a year later. I was numb the. Whole time. Anyway, timer passed. Now , it's 28 Years later. Yes, we've had four children, but I Never "enjoyed" the act or got much out of it. I came to realize it was a combination of him feeling like my brother (sad), just a roommate (sad), and His Anatomy. (saddest if all). At one point, we hadn't had sex at all for six years. Then, we did. It was horrible, as usual. I got nothing out of it. Luckily, it was over very quickly, as usual. That was almost four or five years ago now. Anyway, he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble, Nothing, which is a bit boring! He's not physically abusive at all. I Will Say, he has no personality at all and doesn't know how or want to really communicate. My oldest daughter is a Mental Health Counselor and she said you can not change personality and his is Not compatible with mine. I'm really an Extrovert, at least I used to be. Now, I'm becoming more like him, boring. I don't go out. I don't shop anymore. I don't have my own money or a working car. It's not that he cares what I do, it's that he never has money for anything other than bills. I blame myself. Now, I'm Depressed, have been for years, on medication, but it doesn't help much lately. I hang out in the bedroom, he in the living room or he goes to flea markets, etc. Without me. I used to feel resentment and complain to my kids, but now I just feel numb. He makes my skin crawl. I do not miss having sex with him. I DO Miss Love Making with a man who actually makes me Feel Something! I'll never cheat. That's not right. We just go along. I try not to bring up any topics if importance anymore. He just gets defensive. We've tried counseling. I'll survive, but the last few months,it's gotten harder. I miss physical contact, not even sex, just physical contact!! I cry most days. I feel like I trapped myself here and it's true. It sounds like it's more about you. You misrepresented yourself, you are depressed and one of the reasons is because you never did anything to move your life forward. You took the easy road and just let him take care of you and your kids. Staying in your room is the worst thing you can do. ETA:Sex is what we put into it. Each person is responsible for their own pleasure. Sounds like you were depressed and just laid there. It sounds like you didn't want sex to last anyway, but there are many techniques for premature ejaculation. (Maybe this will help someone)u We can use mouth techniques, then he tells you when he is going to cum and you grab the back of the base for 20 seconds with pressure from the tongue as well. Start over with hand and mouth techniques and repeat the process for about 20 minutes. After 20 minutes he can last until you cum. He can cum when he wants after that. I am your husband, but I can have fun without drinking, drugs and gambling places are set up to spit out just enough money to keep you going back. They are big and beautiful for a reason. My brother is a firefighter so I just feel sorry for your husband. His ex-wife gambled away 40k before he caught her. It's only a mistake if you refuse to correct it.
I always wanted a refuser to tell their partner that they were not really into sex and to please go enjoy sex outside the marriage. Why don't you say, ya know, Steve, I am Catholic and have never really enjoyed sex and I haven't made an effort with intimacy either. I hate to see you suffer, please find a play date that you can pleasure! Lie to him, don't tell him he makes your skin crawl!. After he finds a mate, maybe you can tell him you will be working on your depression and hormones?. He probably can't afford to leave because he would lose half of his retirement. Give me his Facebook or email and I will show him how! Tell him you found someone who would love to help him who is in his position. Above all, what's wrong with his anatomy?
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Post by baza on Oct 11, 2020 20:17:50 GMT -5
I think it was Sister saarinista who observed a few months back that - "most of the stories here describe just plain old fashioned bad marriages". If you take the sexual component out of your story Sister maryfbex , then it pretty much reads as a bog standard bad marriage. And, you've got 3 options. Stay Cheat Leave And, at the moment, you are in the default situation - "stay" - and likely to be bogged down in that position for a while yet. This might be the time to really start working on sorting your own shit out. Getting your focus off your marriage and your spouse and your past and getting your focus on to maryfbex and your future might have a bit going for it as a strategy.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 12, 2020 6:40:50 GMT -5
maryfbex , ...Your story illustrates the fact that even the spouse who doesn’t have desire is unhappy about the state of the marriage. ...I don’t think there’s shame in being mismatched,... I'm not clear on the mismatch. She said they've not had sex for years and it's years in between before that. Does he ask a lot and she refuses? Does she ask a lot and he refuses? Do neither ask, but one of both of them used to? She misses physical contact. INTIMATE physical contact? Or platonic would suffice? Does platonic touch lead to intimate touch and therefore it's scary? At the risk of sounding nosey, such details can avoid irrelevant suggestions. There's lots of ground to cover in terms of what seems like tragically low communication of needs (or perhaps just ignored communication if there was some?), but this being ILIASM, I'd like to get the details of the SM squared away.
Oh, bugger. Can't stop myself. I'll dip toes in the platonic side too. I detected dismay that he goes to a flea market without you? Is he aware you wanted to go? Is it just to get out of the house? A bonding opportunity? Is repair possible, given this sentiment (assuming I didn't misread it). Is the skin crawling thing because sex is so unwanted? Or is it overall? Perhaps boring personality isn't a cause of revulsion, just the unhappy bed activity.
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Post by jerri on Oct 12, 2020 14:33:14 GMT -5
If you want to go to the flea market with him. Just ask, it really helps to be assertive. For a while, I really pulled away from my H because I didn't want to give my time to someone who wasn't into me. My best friend gave me a book and said, just let go of it, him. Live your life, you are missing out. Why have a constant reminder tagging along with you?!? It hurts!
Why not go to on a hike and have someone flirt with me? I personally liked it when I went to the coffee shop and someone looked at me with lust. It let's you know at least others enjoy looking me in a dress. For those few men who crossed my path and let me know that I was desirable, thanks, it lifted my spirit! It matters a lot less to me now that I have someone who is fun in the bedroom and who loves to touch. I was amazed when I went out on a date with Sexless Man and he reached and touched my hand and shoulder and gave me a big hug! I was delighted! It's sweet when I walk by and he slaps my tush!
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Post by jerri on Oct 14, 2020 11:56:22 GMT -5
Welcome maryfbex Our backstories have much in common. In fact, after the initial shock factor of reading your post, I noticed several things you appear to have in common with many of us here, beneath the surface: -You feel trapped. -You are bored out of your mind. -Your spouse apparently doesn't give a damn. -and maximizes time away from you. -and vice versa? -You are beating yourself up over this, and the mistakes of your past. -You cry a lot. -Perhaps you are seeing this site as one of the very few places in the universe you can be honest with another human being about this issue. -“””””””””””””””” yourself about this issue. -When very rare sex happens it makes your skin crawl. -Yet you dream of having sex with someone else under more favorable circumstances. -Staying is making you miserable and may be a drag on your mental & physical health. -You are depressed and on medication. -You don’t want to cheat. Per baza , there is a third option worthy of consideration. After much deliberation, I opted for door #3. As the resident oldies freak, I offer up this morsel to your ears. She fell in love with an abusive man who beat her on her engagement day then she married him anyway! Stayed for ten years. I think she could do those things inside or out of marriage. Fun song!
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 14, 2020 12:49:44 GMT -5
I often comment on how, when we zoom out of our own deal and look at both sides of a dead bedroom marriage, there is so very much in common. I initially in framed my problem as a lack of sex from my partner. If only we fixed that absence, it would be like a great nourishing river, greening both of its banks. I viewed the absence of sex as the cause, rather than a result.
As I found, and so often discover, I had reversed the consequence and cause, as well as the beginning and the end.
The absence of sex was not the first symptom of marital dysfunction, but rather, the terminal phase. The sex was gone because the attraction -or at least the desire to be married- was not mutual. We didn't have a functional marriage we just had a wedding. She had effectively left the relationship on the wedding day and everything that followed was logistics and household management. She wasn't IN it, but, she was just as trapped as I felt in perpetuating it because we didn't want to give up the household that we had built and had associated with the marriage.
In your case, you never really married him. You had a wedding, but you didn't come together. You felt trapped, and you felt that way from the get go. For you, and for your father - making decisions at the time - you said "yes" for practical "on paper" reasons that fit your life situation, but that didn't fit with how you felt about him. It was for household management rather than for love - at least the kind of love you'd want in a marriage. Sounds like it felt like a trap - albeit one of your own design, and likely he can take some responsibility for that too.
Another woman in my life, a stunningly attractive, wonderful person - had an affair. She ended up marrying her affair partner - against all logic. Seems she did it to somehow legitimize a terrible guilt and cost that the affair had caused. It ended with him having another affair, an leaving her. Her son flies on a plane to another country to visit him.
Saying "yes" to marriage when we really can't know what it means sets us up for a big shake of the dice. In my case, I know I had a big "come to Jesus" moment in which I embraced my love of my then-wife and fully invested in the relationship and marriage. My attraction increased then - I couldn't get enough of her, whereas prior, I had been ambivalent with her. She, on the other hand, acted like I'd caught her in a cage. But she went through with it, and so did I and now we're separated after a long sexually dysfunctional marriage (which, prior, until the wedding day - she'd been really into me).
I think your post is really valuable to everyone here who is struggling to understand what goes on in the mind of a partner who seems sexually averse.
Your choices, if you both want to feel something different, are to take stock of what you have - the relationship as it is -and to see how it matches to what you both agree is a marriage. Has it ever been a marriage? Is it realistic that a marriage is going to happen at this stage?
Then it's about deciding what to do about the relationship and associated benefits you have. Stay and continue or leave. Or stay and adapt in some way - cheat or open relationship for example - but without really a good baseline or sense of what the relationship IS, it's not hard to see how quickly that will fall apart and bring you back to Stay or leave.
Is what you have better than being single? If you were single, do you think you'd be crying every day from a year forward?
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Post by Chatter Fox on Oct 14, 2020 21:44:11 GMT -5
Sorry but you shouldn't have married him. Can you understand what you did to him by entering a lifelong monogagmous contract with a man you had no sexual attraction to? Shame on you for allowing this to go on for 28 years. He sounds like a good man... and it sounds like you single handedly broke him. It sounds an awful lot like the receiving end of my story. I hope you can understand how devastating this is to everyone effected (including the innocent children you brought into this mess).
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