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Post by jerri on Sept 19, 2020 12:22:41 GMT -5
If you would kindly elaborate, if you wish Duplicate error on second and last, which should only read "other"
One common scenario: She could think she shouldn't have sex past the new relationship energy phase because sexual desire has waned when the oxytocin and testosterone levels plummeted instead.
Some are so addicted to the hormones that they hop from relationship to relationship just to get the same hormone rush! Look how many hormones the body creates just from pregnenolone alone! It's the master hormone! Some women have an oxytocin transfer, so to speak ,when they have children and all of the sudden the man is left hanging. We have an example of that in here and the man contributed to it by lack of parental care through his own selfish behavior. She in turn pushed back. They are getting along, but she is getting divorced. Maybe that's not what happened in this one scenario but it is a common scenario. They did have chemistry" at one time. There's a little bit of my husband there.
ETA: My H gave me many excuses, then after years of correcting each barrier, he told me l did not stimulate him. Which was the best way to push me away and that it did. I gently, lovingly, told him later that l would be having sex outside the marriage, he told me calmly, do that and that is where your relationship is. Not with me, l won't stick around. This brought on many arguments and any yearish later he beat his chest over it. Fast forward he accepts it but doesn't like it.
There's a little bit of my marriage in all those answers. Update: although we still have date night, have danced in the living room to a sexy song, he has made no attempt to call the doctor. He hates doctors, so I doubt I will get sex after we attempted weeks ago. I had sex with Sexless FWB instead, doggy style and reverse cowgirl style with masks and a vibe for more accentuated orgasm. 😇
Most women can't orgasm from PIV alone, l am one of them. Sex therapist taught me that technique!
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Post by Handy on Sept 19, 2020 21:27:02 GMT -5
Jerri, you are one sexy lady! You get the job done. WTG!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2020 22:58:07 GMT -5
How I came into a SM... If I had to do a root cause, it probably goes back to the fact that she was never a sexual person to begin with and at some point in our marriage she decided she no longer had to force herself to do something she had zero desire to do - have sex with me. Love for her and optimism she might change blinded me for a long time. By the time I opened my eyes to how bad my situation was, I was in deep with family ties, common friends, and children.
Why I think I am still in a SM... I stay to make my kids' life as good as possible. I stay because it's the path of least resistance right now and I own that. I also stay because I'm taking the time to get my life in order to take the steps I need to eventually take.
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Post by baza on Sept 19, 2020 23:04:17 GMT -5
My missus behaviours basically eroded my trust in her. There were about 5 aspects of my marriage that were pretty bad - but not enough by themselves to drive me out. However, cumulatively, they WERE enough to drive me out.
As the emotional distancing kicked in, and those behaviours continued, then unsurprisingly the sexual connection got lost and it tanked - just like the other aspects of the deal.
In my deal, the sex wasn't *THE* issue, but it was one of about 5 issues that drove it into the ditch.
The sexual aspects of the deal were a very accurate reflection of the marriage overall.
I was no cleanskin in the process either. I eventually didn't want to be in the same zipcode as her, let alone the same bed.
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Post by jerri on Sept 19, 2020 23:09:43 GMT -5
Not really Handy . I wish. In fact, I was so sexy that sexless friend with benefits traded other clients in another city for a year and it only gave him several more hours in the day. If I had to guess, he didn't find someone there to feed and shag him? IDK? I didn't really want to search for another online, so I went without and just recently saw him again. He said he was a dumbass for doing it, but I still felt rejected. Because of that incident, I don't feel obligated to have sex during Covid. I told him I would see him once a month. Sure was fun though. Part of the problem with H was that it took too long to cum and I failed to fake orgasms. I like to orgasm, didn't want to fake it. It tingles, but I would rather wait to have the strong pubacoccygeal contractions.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 19, 2020 23:55:37 GMT -5
My ex told me why we were not having sex, but the why changed like the game of whack a mole. Reasons have solutions. Excuses don't.
I will never know why. I suspect she accepted what she was told to save sex for marriage and it would be this great thing, and, once it was had and it wasn't that great thing she had to resort to lies and mind tricks to keep the relationship going.
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Post by jerri on Sept 20, 2020 0:44:03 GMT -5
Wow, Amazing strength! heart-wrenching stories
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Post by Handy on Sept 20, 2020 1:56:20 GMT -5
Jerri, It took too long for my W too but the too long was on her, she didn't want to try anything different and at the time (pre Internet) I was dumber than a box of rocks (very inexperienced book wise and experimentally) and thought what felt good to me could or should feel good to her. I also heard not to pressure her to have orgasms because that is what I read and heard at the time. It was women like the emotional closeness that physical closeness brings. OK, half of the pie is better than no pie, is what I was thinking so I went along with what was.
I did most of what my W said she liked but most of that made her sleepy.
My opinion about online is, yes it is possible but two people with compatible interests and energy levels is difficult to match up. Then there is often the distance issues. I suppose someone close to what I would call compatible lives close to me or other people but how do you know that ahead of time and are you two communicating on the same medium and at a similar time.
Maybe we need that neural network similar to the one in the movie "Avatar" to find a suitable partner?
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Post by jerri on Sept 20, 2020 2:14:10 GMT -5
Handy , my H did the same thing. He would get upset that I wanted to focus on fellatio techniques. He wouldn't give me feedback on pressure or sensation and told me not to make the bed a science experiment. But we were having sex every two to three months. Hahaha. It was a lose-lose scenario. Then I expressed hurt via anger which co*k blocked me even more.Then we would be sweet before bed. The best thing about a FWB is they don't have to have anything in common except the desire and eagerness to touch, be taught and be patient while I experiment with sensation or kink. 80% of great sex is enthusiasm!?!?
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Post by Handy on Sept 20, 2020 2:38:13 GMT -5
Jerri The best thing about a FWB is they don't have to have anything in common except the desire and eagerness to touch, be taught and be patient while I experiment with sensation. You mean the man doesn't have to know all of the moves ahead of time??? Gee, was I mistaken. LOL I thought I was supposed to know all of this sexy stuff before I even took off my shoes. OK, I am just allowing you to understand how some men think or used to think. I thought ifI didn't have the correct combination or information that was my supposed duty, that made me a lousy lover. I still read that a lack of chemistry in women's minds is still a relationship killer but you suggest that separating chemistry from having a FWB works. Yes, the idea to please and be pleased can work.
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Post by jerri on Sept 20, 2020 2:51:14 GMT -5
My ex told me why we were not having sex, but the why changed like the game of whack a mole. Reasons have solutions. Excuses don't. I will never know why. I suspect she accepted what she was told to save sex for marriage and it would be this great thing, and, once it was had and it wasn't that great thing she had to resort to lies and mind tricks to keep the relationship going. Well said! Haha, I am stealing the whack a mole comment! Excuses, were small and easily overcome. "I'm full" "I'm tired" "Wait till morning, sex is better in the morning" "It's too hot, cold, not spontaneous, wait until tonight, doesn't feel right, I'm too stressed, I have a long day tomorrow, got to work on the yard before the heat sets in, you don't initiate" All that garbage can be overcome, so he would say things that I could not overcome or things that would push me away. "I'm just a loner when it comes to sex, I already masturbated, sorry too late, I am too old to have sex, He was in his fourties when he said he was done with sex. Finally, nail in the coffin, you don't stimulate me, Don't blame me, blame yourself." Did the excuses escalate to the point of no return? For the longest time I was shaking my head thinking I don't want someone who is not into me. That's too much to handle. Then he would be so sweet when we went to bed. Go out of his way to do something nice.
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Post by jerri on Sept 20, 2020 3:15:48 GMT -5
Jerri The best thing about a FWB is they don't have to have anything in common except the desire and eagerness to touch, be taught and be patient while I experiment with sensation. You mean the man doesn't have to know all of the moves ahead of time??? Gee, was I mistaken. LOL I thought I was supposed to know all of this sexy stuff before I even took off my shoes. OK, I am just allowing you to understand how some men think or used to think. I thought ifI didn't have the correct combination or information that was my supposed duty, that made me a lousy lover. I still read that a lack of chemistry in women's minds is still a relationship killer but you suggest that separating chemistry from having a FWB works. Yes, the idea to please and be pleased can work. Chemistry grows on me in time, because I'm too nervous. I don't drink at all, I can't handle it. He drinks every night. He's a tall cowboy, in his spare time. I usually like short, meaty, casual look. He's a Republican, I said I would never shag anyone who would think of taking my right to choose, even though I couldn't have kids. He likes Opera, yuk! The cooking competition! Yuk I cook too much at home. He's a romantic Dom! Yay, teach me! I have a sensation fetish, yay he does too! He is the touchy feely type, yay! We argue politics then tell each other, I'm not going to shag you! Haha. He's a neat fun, man. You Lovely people deserve fun
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Post by jerri on Sept 20, 2020 3:38:34 GMT -5
My missus behaviours basically eroded my trust in her. There were about 5 aspects of my marriage that were pretty bad - but not enough by themselves to drive me out. However, cumulatively, they WERE enough to drive me out.
Aww, Brother Baza, I am so glad you got out, but stay to enlighten me/us. love reading your posts (((tight 💜 hugs))) I should go read the trust thread.
I moved in with my baby brother for many months because he had terminal. cancer. H took it really well and came to visit us. He could have easily pulled away. He said he liked how I stepped up to the plate to try to save my brother.As the emotional distancing kicked in, and those behaviours continued, then unsurprisingly the sexual connection got lost and it tanked - just like the other aspects of the deal. In my deal, the sex wasn't *THE* issue, but it was one of about 5 issues that drove it into the ditch. The sexual aspects of the deal were a very accurate reflection of the marriage overall. I was no cleanskin in the process either. I eventually didn't want to be in the same zipcode as her, let alone the same bed.
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Post by jerri on Sept 20, 2020 4:29:45 GMT -5
How I came into a SM... If I had to do a root cause, it probably goes back to the fact that she was never a sexual person to begin with and at some point in our marriage she decided she no longer had to force herself to do something she had zero desire to do - have sex with me. Love for her and optimism she might change blinded me for a long time. By the time I opened my eyes to how bad my situation was, I was in deep with family ties, common friends, and children. Why I think I am still in a SM... I stay to make my kids' life as good as possible. I stay because it's the path of least resistance right now and I own that. I also stay because I'm taking the time to get my life in order to take the steps I need to eventually take. No one can give them a better life than a great dad. I think you are a great man and dad. No libido, dejavu
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Post by h on Sept 20, 2020 20:06:13 GMT -5
jerri My SM situation started from day one. I was raised in a very conservative religious family and there was no talking about sex other than "wait for marriage" so I had no idea what to expect going into marriage. There was no premarital counseling in our church either. My wife wasn't in the mood on our wedding night and avoided me for most of our honeymoon. She only allowed sex to happen once because she felt guilty for depriving me and felt sorry for me. (Yes, she used those words on our honeymoon.) I didn't have any comparative experience so I didn't know what was "normal" for a newlywed couple. I blamed myself for years and thought I was just messed up. I thought maybe God was punishing me for some unknown wrong. I didn't snap out of it until many years in. I think it's a combination of us just being incompatible and ignorant about ourselves. We didn't talk about sex at all before marriage except for agreeing to wait. I didn't know that was a conversation that we had to have. I just assumed that since we shared the same beliefs, we would work things out. I was completely ignorant about the fact that some people don't have much of a sex drive and I had apparently been unlucky enough to marry one. Likewise, I don't think she had any idea that some people actually have a strong sex drive and apparently she had been unlucky enough to marry one. Since I wasn't going to be forcing her to have sex, she won the situation and I lost. I don't think she ever had any sexual interest in me but I didn't figure that out until after we were almost a decade in. That's my nutshell story. Sex didn't fade away over time. It never really started.
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