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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 18, 2020 5:50:20 GMT -5
Would you prefer a therapist of the same sex as you or opposite. Do women make better couple therapists or men? Does it matter? As a mere bloke I think I would find it hard to admit my sexlessness to another man. I know it is wrong, it should be the person not their gender. I'd want the couples counselor to be liked by and sympathetic towards the refuser (while aware of the untenability of sexless marriage). While they may be unhappy in the marriage, as Apocrypha theorizes (quite plausibly), they typically are in no hurry to reverse sexlessness. If they were, it's an easy remedy (noting the observation that relenting means acknowledging the mistake of their previous sexlessness for however long it's been kept up. This may be a major mental block. Profound regret is a heavy cost. Better to stay celibate and not face the self-criticism.) Having the therapist in their corner does pose the danger of being persuaded to stick out a sexless relationship until you're put in the ground. Maybe that's okay. (Is society's message of the importance of sex not actually the issue and it's self-esteem being hurt? Maybe sexlessness is fine with you but you haven't accepted your own feelings about sex and internalized others'. If the unlikely event that is so, sexlessness would be the superior outcome, better suiting your disposition.)
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Post by lessingham on Sept 18, 2020 8:52:47 GMT -5
Liking and trusting a, professionally wualified, therapist is a given. It is just that I feel an older woman would be best for me. And not bothered about her working on and from my wife's point if view. At the back of ny mind with a male therapist woyld be wariness.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 18, 2020 12:05:54 GMT -5
I'd want the couples counselor to be liked by and sympathetic towards the refuser (while aware of the untenability of sexless marriage). While they may be unhappy in the marriage, as Apocrypha theorizes (quite plausibly), they typically are in no hurry to reverse sexlessness. If they were, it's an easy remedy (noting the observation that relenting means acknowledging the mistake of their previous sexlessness for however long it's been kept up. This may be a major mental block. Profound regret is a heavy cost. Better to stay celibate and not face the self-criticism.) Long term sexual avoidance with a partner whom you don't see sexually, isn't a mistake. The words matter here - its almost a rule on the board that non-averse partners view the absence of sexual expression as some kind of error of marital etiquette on the part of their partner. Is the most plausible explanation that their partner forgot how to enjoy sex somehow? Or, like picking their nose or chewing with their mouth open, has somehow lapsed in marital behaviour and needs to be reminded by a third party expert about sex? It's only an easy remedy if you are attracted to your spouse sexually.
Otherwise it's a nearly impossibly remedy - which is to make yourself become attracted to someone who you are not, or to make yourself become attracted to a person whom you have lost your attraction to, as a result of some new information or understanding coming to light. That's about on par with gay conversion therapy.
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Post by jerri on Sept 19, 2020 10:39:53 GMT -5
Reasons for not having sex are vast. Your therapist won't let you get stuck in therapy on the reason she's not having sex. Let her do that in her own therapy session.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 21, 2020 19:39:35 GMT -5
...[Refusers] typically are in no hurry to reverse sexlessness. If they were, it's an easy remedy ... Long term sexual avoidance with a partner whom you don't see sexually, isn't a mistake. The words matter here - its almost a rule on the board that non-averse partners view the absence of sexual expression as some kind of error of marital etiquette on the part of their partner. Is the most plausible explanation that their partner forgot how to enjoy sex somehow? Or, like picking their nose or chewing with their mouth open, has somehow lapsed in marital behaviour and needs to be reminded by a third party expert about sex? It's only an easy remedy if you are attracted to your spouse sexually.
Otherwise it's a nearly impossible remedy - which is to make yourself become attracted to someone who you are not, or to make yourself become attracted to a person whom you have lost your attraction to, as a result of some new information or understanding coming to light. That's about on par with gay conversion therapy. For once, I covered my arse by saying " if a refuser were in a hurry, it'd be easy. Not desiring their spouse is what makes them in no hurry. Threat of divorce has made some refusers hurry. It may even be easy. It's similarly easy to stop if they think the threat has abated. It may also be easy only to manage half-hearted sex. I like the gay conversion therapy analogy. One might note that women will go to bars meaning to find romance, but come home empty handed. The chances they could not find sex is low. Sex they wanted? Apparently, that was too much to expect that night. Maybe even lots of offers, but none worth taking.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 3, 2020 23:10:24 GMT -5
I'd start and end with individual therapy. If your spouse has to be told to go home and have sex with you ("Your assignment before our next session is to have sex with your spouse once and pretend that you want to."), it's already over.
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Post by jerri on Oct 5, 2020 0:30:50 GMT -5
A therapist won't tell them what to do and that certainly wouldn't be an assignment.
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