|
Post by tamara68 on Sept 8, 2020 15:36:33 GMT -5
grower and @tooyoungtobeold2 We do snuggle and have sex, but it is different now.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Sept 8, 2020 17:09:20 GMT -5
grower and @tooyoungtobeold2 We do snuggle and have sex, but it is different now. I think you SHOULD worry and talk about it right away.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2020 17:35:41 GMT -5
grower and @tooyoungtobeold2 We do snuggle and have sex, but it is different now. This falls into the "if you think it's a problem then it is" category. I would encourage you to reach out if you haven't already, and, if snoring was the major issue that is somewhat fixable. I was a snorer when I weighed 230, now at 185 I don't have that problem anymore.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Sept 8, 2020 17:45:09 GMT -5
grower and @tooyoungtobeold2 We do snuggle and have sex, but it is different now. Care to elaborate on 'the difference'? Here's a thought/idea/question.....My woman and I sleep together. Our issues are minor. Slight snoring,and one of us wants the covers to stay warm,,and the other is too hot with them on. Yet,,, the sex occurs once we are in the bed ,gearing up for sleep. Much of it is me wearing her out,with my magic hand, so she will definitely fall asleep easily,and through the night. Then comes the 15 minutes ,or so of pleasing each other first thing in the morning. I would assume that if our sleep time was difficult, a major issue, that the before sleep and after sleep could still occur, by us agreeing to a bed and time to do it in..And would not have a different feel or meaning to it? There were times,in the beginning of our relationship, when she would go back, to spend the night at her apartment. Only proving that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder!"
|
|
|
Post by michael on Sept 8, 2020 18:54:47 GMT -5
I slept on the couch for years. One night I got sick of it and said I’m not sleeping on the couch anymore. She went to the couch. She left shortly after that.
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Sept 9, 2020 1:02:39 GMT -5
greatcoastal it is not just the snoring. There are a lot of things that bother me about sleeping together. Some things in itself I can ignore, but some things not. He is like a dog in a basket, twisting and turning, rolled up in the duvet. I have to cling on to my side of the duvet to stay covered on the edge of the matras. I wake up 10 times a night If I sleep at all. And the snoring... he falls asleep within minutes and starts snoring right away. If it is not too bad I can fall asleep. But often it is far too loud. I think he might have apnoe. But he doesn't want to go to a doctor. He has an issue with doctors and anything medical because his ex was a doctor allways criticizing him about his unhealthy habits. On holiday I have used soft earplugs. That helped but my ears started hurting after a few hours. We had the intention of buying a bigger bed with two seperate duvets. That would fix half of the problem. We do talk about it, or at least have talked about it. But when we sleep together we regularly almost automatically have sex. I like his arms around me and his hand resting on my breasts. Now we have to do more of an effort.
|
|
|
Post by h on Sept 10, 2020 9:16:47 GMT -5
When either of us is sick, we sleep separately to avoid passing it. The last time I slept in the spare bedroom because she was sick, I never slept better. After she started getting better I was still sleeping in the spare bedroom. I didn't intend on going back until she said something. She asked when I was going to come back to our bedroom and I told her that I didn't think it mattered where I slept. It's not like it made any difference to me. It visibly shook her to hear that out loud. It took away a little bit of her power over me.
Edit: I did end up going back eventually but she is more aware now of the fact that I don't care about sleeping with her. It has cut down on some of the inadvertent teasing because she actually thinks about her actions now and thinks about the effect on me.
|
|
|
Post by bozodeclowne on Sept 10, 2020 12:06:50 GMT -5
Separate beds on separate floors of the home - full-time for about 5 years, but sporadically before that. Unrelated to SM, our youngest child would often wake in the night and come running after a bad dream. She eventually grew larger & was a restless enough sleeper that I found myself relegated to 8" at the edge of a king-size bed. I'd get a better sleep elsewhere. I was a snorer as well, and would leave if my wife woke me up and I realized I was preventing her from sleeping. I'm on a futon in the basement, with the family dog nearby. Oddly enough - there were some unintended benefits - the futon mattress is rock-hard, so my back issues disappeared. It is also 10-15 degrees cooler in the basement than the master bedroom, which is great for summer sleeping.
Related to the SM, I would frequently find myself staring up at a dark ceiling, after spending 30 minutes scratching my wife's bare back and legs. The coos and soft moans of pleasure would have me hopeful things would be progressing, only to have her rebuff my advances or drift off yet again. There is a lot of time for self-doubt in that darkness. I'd often head to the couch in what was probably some sort of misguided "I'll show her" huff. I soon realized she didn't even notice and the only one I was punishing was myself. So, after one summer heat wave, I just kept sleeping in the basement.
My wife did occasionally ask when I would be returning, to which I often replied "Most-likely, never". She knows why I feel this way, and I've concluded simply does not care. That conclusion took a very long time to reach and was really only possible once I learned to ignore words and observe action/inaction.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2020 16:51:26 GMT -5
I don't miss the rejection at all either. The danger for the marriage, obviously, is that it's just one degree of separation on a continuum. This thread has had me thinking about that lately. Once I moved out of the bedroom, didn't try and kiss, didn't try and hug, the separation just continues. I'm glad to be rid of the SM anxieties (born of wanting something different) but I fear the drift will continue. Separate beds, separate bedrooms, separate floors, why not separate houses, cities, states : )
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Sept 10, 2020 17:28:25 GMT -5
I'm guessing most of our marriages were pretty dead in other ways before the sex died. Meh. It happens.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Sept 10, 2020 19:04:33 GMT -5
I'm guessing most of our marriages were pretty dead in other ways before the sex died. Meh. It happens. Ya know, that may be true, and yet...there's the marriages where the death of the sex and intimacy came first ,leading to death in other aspects of the marriage. It happens. THE END GENERALLY STARTS AT THE BEGINNING. Kind of like a "sign" ( a red flag) of things to come.
|
|
|
Post by h on Sept 10, 2020 21:09:37 GMT -5
I'm guessing most of our marriages were pretty dead in other ways before the sex died. Meh. It happens. Ya know, that may be true, and yet...there's the marriages where the death of the sex and intimacy came first ,leading to death in other aspects of the marriage. It happens. THE END GENERALLY STARTS AT THE BEGINNING. Kind of like a "sign" ( a red flag) of things to come. I think that I would have to agree. I feel like for me, the lack of sex was what poisoned the rest. It was the beginning of the corrosion of the rest of the relationship. I started to get depressed over the lack of sex and stopped putting in as much effort in other relational areas. She made more excuses to avoid sex. I did the why chasing and choreplay but ended up getting nowhere so I got resentful and quit doing more things. Until eventually there was no relationship to save. We slowly became no more than roommates but the non-existent sex life was the beginning of it. The expectation of a future sex life was what got me to get married. Then the unfulfilled expectation started the unraveling.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Sept 10, 2020 22:06:51 GMT -5
If you are in an ILIASM shithole - and "if" you have the spare space - the idea of sleeping by yourself starts to look like not a bad alternative.
And, taking that to its' logical conclusion, the same thing applies to your ILIASM deal .... the idea of living by yourself starts to look like not a bad alternative.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Sept 11, 2020 5:50:14 GMT -5
Ya know, that may be true, and yet...there's the marriages where the death of the sex and intimacy came first ,leading to death in other aspects of the marriage. It happens... I think that I would have to agree. I feel like for me, the lack of sex was what poisoned the rest. It was the beginning of the corrosion of the rest of the relationship. I started to get depressed over the lack of sex and stopped putting in as much effort in other relational areas. She made more excuses to avoid sex. I did the why chasing and choreplay but ended up getting nowhere so I got resentful and quit doing more things. ... People / therapists love to say there's usually something underlying the lack of sex. Yeah? So what? During the reset, all my wife's bad habits make me shrug. When it's more than a month in between sessions, they grate my nerves. Isn't so much of life pro-and-con? We're often told to use the pros and cons to make important, complex life decisions. When contemplating divorce, sex is on one side or the other. Sex? Major PRO. No sex? Major CON. Like a scale balanced with jellybeans and sex is a bowling ball. You can have a whole mess of jellybeans going against your spouse, but if you're knocking the boots, it might still be no contest. They're a keeper. On the other side, you get "everything's great but the sex" and these refused partners end up here, slowly understanding the spouse may not have enough jellybeans on his/her PRO side no matter how high they're stacked to make up for the misplaced bowling ball. Other issues? Sure. But when you're getting some, you can overlook a lot.
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Oct 3, 2020 23:25:40 GMT -5
I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, but I've moved to an upstairs room with a futon. It really isn't that bad. In fact, it reminds me of the days long ago in my shoebox apartment when my couch was my bed, couch, dinner table, and dresser...back when I had nothing much to my name but self confidence. Today I have some stuff but no self confidence. The best part about sleeping rogue is that there is no offensive incidental contact. I think my W was offended by my move, but she has been careful to not spend too much time on the subject, not when there is an obvious upside for her in the deal.
|
|