Hi Tamara, I think that is totally fine, I snore and have a bad back, that causes me to toss and turn. I most of the time either go or cook for an evening of dinner, conversation, along with "dessert", We are both busy with family and work and usually go home to sleep. The alienation of love and sex is the issue, not where you sleep.
For those that figure sex is just for the young, don't kid yourself. me and my honey are past 60 and going strong and enjoy an active and varied sex life. If your happy with your circumstance, own it, if not, change it. Maybe the best is yet to be found. A week of happiness might erase years of misery. I have always thought that my true purpose in life could be a brief moment that changes the world in some positive way. Peace
My friend and I are sleeping in seperate beds now, even though we do have sex. I decided to sleep alone because of his snoring and sleeping habits. I could hardly sleep next to him and was getting exhausted. It does worry me though.
I understand the worry but those are valid reasons. If you still take the time to snuggle, spend time together, have sex, then you're fine.
This falls into the "if you think it's a problem then it is" category. I would encourage you to reach out if you haven't already, and, if snoring was the major issue that is somewhat fixable. I was a snorer when I weighed 230, now at 185 I don't have that problem anymore.
Here's a thought/idea/question.....My woman and I sleep together. Our issues are minor. Slight snoring,and one of us wants the covers to stay warm,,and the other is too hot with them on.
Yet,,, the sex occurs once we are in the bed ,gearing up for sleep. Much of it is me wearing her out,with my magic hand, so she will definitely fall asleep easily,and through the night.
Then comes the 15 minutes ,or so of pleasing each other first thing in the morning.
I would assume that if our sleep time was difficult, a major issue, that the before sleep and after sleep could still occur, by us agreeing to a bed and time to do it in..And would not have a different feel or meaning to it?
There were times,in the beginning of our relationship, when she would go back, to spend the night at her apartment. Only proving that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder!"
greatcoastal it is not just the snoring. There are a lot of things that bother me about sleeping together. Some things in itself I can ignore, but some things not. He is like a dog in a basket, twisting and turning, rolled up in the duvet. I have to cling on to my side of the duvet to stay covered on the edge of the matras. I wake up 10 times a night If I sleep at all. And the snoring... he falls asleep within minutes and starts snoring right away. If it is not too bad I can fall asleep. But often it is far too loud. I think he might have apnoe. But he doesn't want to go to a doctor. He has an issue with doctors and anything medical because his ex was a doctor allways criticizing him about his unhealthy habits.
On holiday I have used soft earplugs. That helped but my ears started hurting after a few hours.
We had the intention of buying a bigger bed with two seperate duvets. That would fix half of the problem.
We do talk about it, or at least have talked about it. But when we sleep together we regularly almost automatically have sex. I like his arms around me and his hand resting on my breasts. Now we have to do more of an effort.
When either of us is sick, we sleep separately to avoid passing it. The last time I slept in the spare bedroom because she was sick, I never slept better. After she started getting better I was still sleeping in the spare bedroom. I didn't intend on going back until she said something. She asked when I was going to come back to our bedroom and I told her that I didn't think it mattered where I slept. It's not like it made any difference to me. It visibly shook her to hear that out loud. It took away a little bit of her power over me.
Edit: I did end up going back eventually but she is more aware now of the fact that I don't care about sleeping with her. It has cut down on some of the inadvertent teasing because she actually thinks about her actions now and thinks about the effect on me.
Post by bozodeclowne on Sept 10, 2020 12:06:50 GMT -5
Separate beds on separate floors of the home - full-time for about 5 years, but sporadically before that. Unrelated to SM, our youngest child would often wake in the night and come running after a bad dream. She eventually grew larger & was a restless enough sleeper that I found myself relegated to 8" at the edge of a king-size bed. I'd get a better sleep elsewhere. I was a snorer as well, and would leave if my wife woke me up and I realized I was preventing her from sleeping. I'm on a futon in the basement, with the family dog nearby. Oddly enough - there were some unintended benefits - the futon mattress is rock-hard, so my back issues disappeared. It is also 10-15 degrees cooler in the basement than the master bedroom, which is great for summer sleeping.
Related to the SM, I would frequently find myself staring up at a dark ceiling, after spending 30 minutes scratching my wife's bare back and legs. The coos and soft moans of pleasure would have me hopeful things would be progressing, only to have her rebuff my advances or drift off yet again. There is a lot of time for self-doubt in that darkness. I'd often head to the couch in what was probably some sort of misguided "I'll show her" huff. I soon realized she didn't even notice and the only one I was punishing was myself. So, after one summer heat wave, I just kept sleeping in the basement.
My wife did occasionally ask when I would be returning, to which I often replied "Most-likely, never". She knows why I feel this way, and I've concluded simply does not care. That conclusion took a very long time to reach and was really only possible once I learned to ignore words and observe action/inaction.
Post by tooyoungtobeold on Sept 10, 2020 16:51:26 GMT -5
I don't miss the rejection at all either. The danger for the marriage, obviously, is that it's just one degree of separation on a continuum. This thread has had me thinking about that lately. Once I moved out of the bedroom, didn't try and kiss, didn't try and hug, the separation just continues. I'm glad to be rid of the SM anxieties (born of wanting something different) but I fear the drift will continue. Separate beds, separate bedrooms, separate floors, why not separate houses, cities, states : )
I'm guessing most of our marriages were pretty dead in other ways before the sex died. Meh. It happens.
Ya know, that may be true, and yet...there's the marriages where the death of the sex and intimacy came first ,leading to death in other aspects of the marriage. It happens.
THE END GENERALLY STARTS AT THE BEGINNING.
Kind of like a "sign" ( a red flag) of things to come.
I think that I would have to agree. I feel like for me, the lack of sex was what poisoned the rest. It was the beginning of the corrosion of the rest of the relationship. I started to get depressed over the lack of sex and stopped putting in as much effort in other relational areas. She made more excuses to avoid sex. I did the why chasing and choreplay but ended up getting nowhere so I got resentful and quit doing more things. Until eventually there was no relationship to save. We slowly became no more than roommates but the non-existent sex life was the beginning of it. The expectation of a future sex life was what got me to get married. Then the unfulfilled expectation started the unraveling.
Bits of me are dying but others are growing. One step at a time.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: However, I feel that sexual politics, including political moves that impact the relationships between gender (misogynist, misandrist, etc) definitely deserve room in this context.
Apr 23, 2020 16:22:59 GMT -5
fred: just calculated that i've spent somewhere near 19,000 days (& nights) as a "rejectee".AND that allows for 2,000+ days (& nights) on business travel apart from her. i've chosen to "stay" .....would never do that again, and can't as you see doing the math
May 15, 2020 18:01:15 GMT -5
worksforme2: 19000 days and nights,....damn dude, that's 52 yrs.
Jun 17, 2020 9:19:10 GMT -5
fred: you're a little short works - was thinking this AM, there has NEVER been a day when she indicated desire for me physically (other than for heavy lifting or finance)........LOL...........earlier, i had enough libido for both of us, now i'm left with guilt
Jun 20, 2020 13:11:12 GMT -5
fred: over imposing myself on her rather than simply leaving .....DAMN LOVE ANYWAY !
Jun 20, 2020 13:12:12 GMT -5
mesulina: update everyone, still has not happened. I have now come to accept that I will live with out. It is just different now.
Jun 29, 2020 19:32:31 GMT -5
worksforme2: Sorry mesulina,... but on the positive side you did stock up on toys a short time back,..now might be the time to go for the gusto
Jun 30, 2020 17:42:54 GMT -5
grower: Embrace a change, you will wonder why you waited so long
Jul 9, 2020 11:22:56 GMT -5
grower: Your life clock is ticking away, don't waste all your time. Live some.
Jul 24, 2020 9:53:20 GMT -5
fred: blue guy, i was where you are 30 years ago. stayed.................nothing changed. if i didn't love this nice lady so much i'd be in deep regret. if she doesn't think of you in a hundred "other" ways (as does my wife) GET OUT ! Life is short
Aug 10, 2020 17:43:15 GMT -5
jerri: Yuk on the plucking chicken feathers. If a chicken doesn't get sex and intimacy she just finds a beautiful cock sooner or later. I'd say there's a much higher "philandering" rate than anyone would care to admit. The rooster who is tormented findsa chicken!
Sept 10, 2020 8:23:56 GMT -5
csl: And yet, there is an entire segment of ILIASM stayers.
Sept 10, 2020 22:04:05 GMT -5
jerri: Exactly I have read multiple threads. I was very impressed with all the different solutions everyone has found. Intellectual group and the camaraderie is nice
Sept 11, 2020 9:44:57 GMT -5
Handy: What happened to being light outside until 9:30 PM? It is 7:30 PM and dark now.
Sept 20, 2020 20:46:01 GMT -5
jerri: It's not hot there? I am getting a slight break from the heat! Cheer up buddy!
Sept 21, 2020 0:27:37 GMT -5
petrushka: Well WE are getting closer to summer. Just passed Equinox. I expect the solar panels will start paying for themselves again in the near future. (over the last few months they have merely mitigated the power bills).
Sept 21, 2020 21:00:36 GMT -5
wewbwb: jerri the average intelligence of the end posts rose greatly since I stopped posting ! Hope allis well!
Sept 26, 2020 7:29:23 GMT -5
jerri: Don't be too busy to post. Come back, wewbwb! 💜
Sept 26, 2020 20:12:33 GMT -5
Handy: Jerri, you bring intelligence, so stop that nonsense.
Sept 26, 2020 20:19:03 GMT -5