gezza
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Posts: 6
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Post by gezza on Sept 2, 2020 7:40:04 GMT -5
Just wondering how many end sleeping in seperate beds or bedrooms. It looks like separate beds is going to be where we are headed very soon.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2020 9:59:20 GMT -5
Yup. That happened a couple years ago and I just built a house with that in mind. At first it feels like a bit of a failure but it was the step that allowed me to stop expecting a sex life and move on to a life.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 2, 2020 11:18:20 GMT -5
Absolutely. I found that it helped me get sleep and was an intermediary step (something prior to the nuclear option) that made gaslighting impossible. I think most importantly, it helped me centre the truth of the nature of my relationship in a very clear way. Living in that for a while allowed some of my fog to clear - a kind of relief of tension in which I was no longer committed to lying to myself or others about the relationship.
We no longer had a dance of excuses and tensions regarding bedtime. No drowsy midnight hopefuls sparked from accidental touching. No painful staring matches. No feeling that I was braising in contempt and rejection in my own bed all night, waking up hurt and exhausted. I felt hungry - starving even - but at least in charge of myself and how I allowed myself to hope. There was no tantalizing morning nudity.
No more "cap in hand" power dynamic. I was trying something different and picked a new lane - I no longer had a sexual expectation in the relationship. That would likely have downstream consequences but they hadn't arrived yet. The ball was firmly served to her court to to establish a clear reason as to why we should sleep in the same bed if we did not have a sexual relationship. It was now her problem to think about. If she preferred it (which she did not), then that would mean something. If she did not prefer it, then it was up to her to present a case to change it. It balanced the books such that the looming threat of separation was now also her problem to think about, rather than mine alone.
With that truth in mind, I was more easily able to conceive of the other work I needed to do.
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Post by isthisit on Sept 2, 2020 11:48:41 GMT -5
Absolutely. I found that it helped me get sleep and was an intermediary step (something prior to the nuclear option) that made gaslighting impossible. I think most importantly, it helped me centre the truth of the nature of my relationship in a very clear way. Living in that for a while allowed some of my fog to clear - a kind of relief of tension in which I was no longer committed to lying to myself or others about the relationship. We no longer had a dance of excuses and tensions regarding bedtime. No drowsy midnight hopefuls sparked from accidental touching. No painful staring matches for a feeling that I was braising in contempt and rejection in my own bed all night. No more "cap in hand" power dynamic. I was trying something different and picked a new lane - I no longer had a sexual expectation in the relationship. That would likely have downstream consequences but they hadn't arrived yet. The ball was firmly served to her court to to establish a clear reason as to why we should sleep in the same bed if we did not have a sexual relationship. It was now her problem to think about. If she preferred it (which she did not), then that would mean something. If she did not prefer it, then it was up to her to present a case to change it. It balanced the books such that the looming threat of separation was now also her problem to think about, rather than mine alone. With that truth in mind, I was more easily able to conceive of the other work I needed to do. I cannot like this enough. The description of the emancipatory benefits of leaving the marital bed is exactly the reason that I would have liked to make this move back in my deal. There is a powerful symbolism of leaving that shared intimate space, a symbolism my H would have absolutely hated as a tangible reminder of the stuff I was telling him but he was so adept at ignoring. I did not move out of our bedroom until we (well I, H chickened out) told the children of our separation. Before this I felt that it would cause them anxiety without the clarity of what was happening to our family. Once I did move out I quickly realised that the sleeplessness I had been experiencing and putting down to any manner of things actually stemmed from the tensions around the sleeping space that was no longer the safe and intimate experience it should be. I now love my bed where I sleep alone. No agenda, no rejection, shame or tension. Rather relaxation, peace and self indulgence. And no snoring!
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Post by mescaline on Sept 2, 2020 14:34:42 GMT -5
I yearn for a time when I can have my own bed. It represents a sanctuary that doesn't exist for me... ...yet.
In the meantime I'm hiding in the garage when the kids go to bed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2020 17:13:16 GMT -5
Absolutely. I found that it helped me get sleep and was an intermediary step (something prior to the nuclear option) that made gaslighting impossible. I think most importantly, it helped me centre the truth of the nature of my relationship in a very clear way. Living in that for a while allowed some of my fog to clear - a kind of relief of tension in which I was no longer committed to lying to myself or others about the relationship. We no longer had a dance of excuses and tensions regarding bedtime. No drowsy midnight hopefuls sparked from accidental touching. No painful staring matches. No feeling that I was braising in contempt and rejection in my own bed all night, waking up hurt and exhausted. I felt hungry - starving even - but at least in charge of myself and how I allowed myself to hope. There was no tantalizing morning nudity. No more "cap in hand" power dynamic. I was trying something different and picked a new lane - I no longer had a sexual expectation in the relationship. That would likely have downstream consequences but they hadn't arrived yet. The ball was firmly served to her court to to establish a clear reason as to why we should sleep in the same bed if we did not have a sexual relationship. It was now her problem to think about. If she preferred it (which she did not), then that would mean something. If she did not prefer it, then it was up to her to present a case to change it. It balanced the books such that the looming threat of separation was now also her problem to think about, rather than mine alone. With that truth in mind, I was more easily able to conceive of the other work I needed to do. I just wanted to come back around to this. Apocrypha nails it from my own perspective on every level and in every way. The separate bedroom is really a great freedom moment for the refused in a SM, at least it was for me. It allowed me to let go of that along with seeing if she cared that we no longer slept together (she didn't-I assume she was greatly relieved that the "sex thing" was now a non issue). She isn't wrong either, the "sex thing" is now a non issue.....in our marriage. Time has yet to determine if the "sex thing" still matters to me. Anyway, the separate beds allowed me to see it all quite clearly. Now I've gotten so I enjoy my bedroom time and go to bed at 9PM and read, watch something I want to watch, and, frankly, masturbate in peace.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 2, 2020 18:17:04 GMT -5
My then W made the decision to move to another bedroom. She said it was because I had too much body heat. She could have turned on the overhead fan or lowered the thermostat setting or changed the comforter to a bedspread, but she choose to relocate her sleeping quarters. After she moved I was despondent for a time. But as I had found the EP site and was learning so much about SM I came to realize it was more to avoid having to put me off than it was to sleep in a cooler bed. It really was just one more nail in the coffin.
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Post by baza on Sept 2, 2020 19:58:46 GMT -5
Just wondering how many end sleeping in seperate beds or bedrooms. It looks like separate beds is going to be where we are headed very soon. It is difficult to put a figure on this. But as a rough estimate (on what I've read in here and the old EP site) I reckon this happens in about one third of ILIASM situations. It is pretty common.
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Post by Handy on Sept 2, 2020 20:23:10 GMT -5
My W moved to the spare bedroom 20 years ago, came back to the marital bedroom for a couple of years and moved to the spare bedroom over 5 yrs ago. That is when I quit trying to have a normal marriage and decided I am in this world alone.
Today my W wanted a hug. No thanks, I am in this world alone. No use playing like we are married.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 2, 2020 20:52:01 GMT -5
My W moved to the spare bedroom 20 years ago, came back to the marital bedroom for a couple of years and moved to the spare bedroom over 5 yrs ago. That is when I quit trying to have a normal marriage and decided I am in this world alone. Today my W wanted a hug. No thanks, I am in this world alone. No use playing like we are married. My X wanted all the little signs of affection like hugs, pecks on the cheek etc. right up to the point where I took off my ring and started distancing myself from her. When it's over it's over. I knew I could survive alone, I did it for decades following my 1st divorce. And like you i had grown tired of the pretense of acting like "it's all good".
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Post by Handy on Sept 2, 2020 23:08:29 GMT -5
I think my W is concerned about my health, PLUS she wants a $250 / $300 kitchen sink faucet. I bought the $100 manual version but haven't installed it.
For me, I was in 3rd grade and still had a hand pump in the yard, then moved again where we had running water with an electric pump all INSIDE the house.
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Post by jerri on Sept 3, 2020 1:13:12 GMT -5
It was easy for him to keep tabs on when I was leaving or returning at night.
Easier for him and me to masturbate. I keep a Hugher fu@king system at the foot of my bed. He gets to shag his mattress.
Easier for me to disappear at night and come in the master bedroom door.
No snoring and I can be on a device at night with music playing in the background.
The master bath became mine and I have my own little sitting room. Jack and Jill walk-in closets became Jill's
I can go to my room and shut my door and talk to my friend with benefits.
When I finally decided that I was no longer going to go without sex I told him I was going to get a friend with benefits and he wanted to reset sex. I told him that that was fine, but I was going to step out of the marriage for sex because I had waited long enough. I tried to be as kind as I could and he was very understanding, but in protest he left the master bedroom. It crushed my soul! I took off my wedding ring. took me a long time to get over it and now I prefer it. When I really want intimacy, l sleep in his room with him. when he gets sick every once in a while , I will also sleep with him.I never understood people who didn't sleep together and always thought I would not be one of them!
ETA: in order to keep some of the intimacy I do go to his bedroom at night and kiss him goodnightand sometimes we will lay together and talk
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Post by lessingham on Sept 3, 2020 4:13:17 GMT -5
Tried it several times for a few days. She begged me to return with promises things eould change yah de yah de Yr ah
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Post by Handy on Sept 3, 2020 9:32:25 GMT -5
Jerri 1. When I really want intimacy, l sleep in his room with him. When he gets sick every once in a while, I will also sleep with him. 2. In order to keep some of the intimacy I do go to his bedroom at night and kiss him goodnight and sometimes we will lay together and talk. [/b][/div]
On #1 my W used to be somewhat interested in having sex if I wasn't feeling well. I never understood why. I wanted sex when I was feeling good and usually I want to be left alone in a dark quiet room if I am sick.
Jerri on #2 you are doing 10 times more than my W is doing for me. I am part to blame because I try to avoid anything with each of being in each other's room. It is strictly a brother and sister existence. My W also leaves out facts (who what where) when she talks to me so sometimes/often I have no idea who or what she is talking about. This often leaves me with not wanting to talk about much and leaves me wanting to avoid most conversations
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 3, 2020 10:50:58 GMT -5
“ On #1 my W used to be somewhat interested in having sex if I wasn't feeling well. I never understood why. I wanted sex when I was feeling good and usually I want to be left alone in a dark quiet room if I am sick.”
She didn’t want sex. She wanted you to turn her down so she could say, “I tried but you refused .”
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