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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 30, 2020 8:37:15 GMT -5
I'm sure many of us are living this or have lived this. I said this often but still stayed for years.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Aug 30, 2020 10:20:34 GMT -5
Very true.
When I leave someday, if my wife says she'll go get counseling for help, I'll say "I've heard it all before and no longer believe you." At this point it wouldn't make a difference. She has lost my heart.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 30, 2020 10:25:58 GMT -5
My ex did that. He didn't offer to go to counseling until after I moved out. It was too late years before that.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Aug 30, 2020 16:11:48 GMT -5
Most don't rellalize how serious the situation is. It proves they have no idea how important intimate contact is in a marriage.
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Post by jerri on Aug 30, 2020 16:19:58 GMT -5
First step is acknowledgement of what transpired, if that doesn't happen with remorse change won't happen. To be fair, some people are so programmed to push away, that it's unconscious behavior.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 31, 2020 3:32:23 GMT -5
As we catholics say, there is a world of difference between sorry and contrition
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Post by ScottDinTN on Sept 1, 2020 0:55:19 GMT -5
Its like getting pulled over by a cop for speeding. You say you are sorry. It really means you are sorry there will be consequences. You will drive more slowly for a few weeks. Then you will go back to your normal driving habits. There was no change of heart. Only a temporary re-evaluation if change is needed then deciding the potential consequences is not worth driving slower.
We cannot change that driver. Its time we take the title and keys to our car and drive away! Lol
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 1, 2020 4:38:36 GMT -5
My wife used to be upset that I don't apologize quickly. A good sized part of that is that very statement. I need to know it was wrong and why. I did what I did because I thought it was okay or at least justifiable. I need to accept it wasn't justifiable and that takes some thinking and often by consequence, change in my view of teh world. Doing that quickly isn't compatible with my brain. Apologizing quickly means, giving up what I wanted (and did the thing other shave questioned in order to get). Some do this readily. They roll over They surrender what they want thinking they mustn't want it or cannot have it. Some can apologize quickly because they don't care they've upset someone. They'll either be sneakier about it or dismiss the offended party and cut ties or be indifferent to their possible growth in reputation as a selfish jerk. Some will jump to the first conclusion why something is wrong and not question it, possibly stumbling into the same problem later. Manipulative types will pretend to make this wrong assumption and claim it was their true rationale rater than stop the offending behavior. If you get an apology from me, it's crushingly shameful if I repeat the offense. I have had one bad habit I've not yet broken because my wife was not persistent enough and didn't understand I truly regretted that bad habit repeatedly (complaining about her overspending and failure to hep around the house in front of the kids. It's a stink thing to do. My frustration was greater than my self-discipline and I'm unhappy with my weakness and lack of sympathy for her clinical depression.) I don't think I've yet quit, but my language has softened. It's still a bad idea. Unproductive and hurtful. Ugh. Hate saying it. If this weren't anonymous...
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 1, 2020 4:43:52 GMT -5
Its like getting pulled over by a cop for speeding. You say you are sorry. It really means you are sorry there will be consequences. You will drive more slowly for a few weeks. Then you will go back to your normal driving habits. There was no change of heart. Only a temporary re-evaluation if change is needed then deciding the potential consequences is not worth driving slower. We cannot change that driver. Its time we take the title and keys to our car and drive away! Lol Wow. What if a cop had a twenty minute heart to heart asking why you speed. Whether you're aware of the safety concerns and how it would affect your family, your friends if you were crippled or killed? Do you have kids? Maybe even nieces or nephews? Do you gave pets that might starve if you died in a car accident? Have cops or paramedics explained how hard it is to see lives shattered by crashes that would have been a lot less harmful at lower speeds? It wears on a person. I would so watch that on Youtube.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 1, 2020 7:16:10 GMT -5
Its like getting pulled over by a cop for speeding. You say you are sorry. It really means you are sorry there will be consequences. You will drive more slowly for a few weeks. Then you will go back to your normal driving habits. There was no change of heart. Only a temporary re-evaluation if change is needed then deciding the potential consequences is not worth driving slower. We cannot change that driver. Its time we take the title and keys to our car and drive away! Lol I'm not sure the speeding analogy is a good one. Maybe yes and maybe no....about 10-11 yrs ago my son was stopped for speeding, doing 122 in a 65 .He spent the rest of the day and a night in jail. Later he lost his license for a yr. and had to pay a hefty fine. He definitely changed his driving habits following that incident. It's just that for so many here there are no repercussions for the behavior. Life goes on as usual. If the consequences are punitive enough, having to face the music for bad behavior might bring about a different behavior. But if there are no consequences there certainly will be no change in the behavior.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 14, 2020 15:11:50 GMT -5
So true. Not the only form of manipulation by any means, but manipulation all the same.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2020 16:13:28 GMT -5
Wow, you guys got apologies?
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 14, 2020 17:03:20 GMT -5
Wow, you guys got apologies? Not in the case of my now ex. Her level of narcissism is not going to allow for that. I was surprised to get a thank you from her for the house. I gave my half to her because I knew it would be easier on my youngest. Not surprisingly, she still went after the nickel-dime stuff once the big items were settled.
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Post by Handy on Sept 14, 2020 17:03:21 GMT -5
At this stage of the game would an apology make you feel any better? Not me. I worked for scraps and there is no way to correct the disappointments from my past life.
Ironmaster she still went after the nickel-dime stuff once the big items were settled.
I am sorry to hear that. You deserved something better. I can totally understand the house thing for the kids benefit.
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Post by isthisit on Sept 14, 2020 17:08:01 GMT -5
Wow, you guys got apologies? Still waiting for mine here too. Nothing to apologise for, apparently he was a model H and I have it all wrong about the sexlessness, emotional deprivation and neglect. I can’t be bothered with any of it. Time to move on.
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