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Post by DryCreek on Sept 25, 2020 10:58:13 GMT -5
She can't reject me directly or indirectly and she can't unenthusiastically starfish me either if I never make the first move. This, sadly. Emotional health (survival?) eventually overrides the sex drive.
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Post by frednsa on Sept 25, 2020 17:02:05 GMT -5
It’s gotten to the point where I feel bad for asking because I’m asking him knowing he doesn’t want to. I asked about 4 weeks ago. I took the weekend off (something I very early do because I’m a retail manager) I thought it would help if we spent time together. I asked him thru text while I was at work on Friday if we could have sex at some point this weekend. He agreed. Well fast forward to Saturday night, after we finished watching our usual 2 hours of nexflix He said “can we just watch a movie instead of having sex”? Y’all. This hurt me deeply. The next day I told him if he ever denied me again he wouldn’t have to worry about me asking ever again because it would be over. Since then he’s asked three times and all three times I said no. I feel like he’s only asking because he knows he hurt my feelings really bad. He asked again last night but i told him I got my period (I personally do not like having sex during my time of the month). I texted him while I was at work today and told him I should be good to go by Friday. He said “ok. Loud and clear”. Well this got me thinking. Did he say that because in a round about way I was asking? Because I told him if he ever rejected me again it was over? Am I making him do something he doesn’t want to do? Well after talking myself out of it I texted him back and told him to never mind I was over it, I changed my mind. He’s got me so fucked in the head that even thinking about having sex with him fills me with anxiety. I don’t know how I even manage to get enough courage to ask in the first place, that’s why I ask they text, at least I’m not getting rejected to my face. When he does actually ask me I think he’s only asking to keep the peace not because he actually wants to be with me. After a lifetime (50+ years) of living with a lovely lady i learn that she is asexual - my discovery, not her revelation. Took soooo long to come to this realization and then only as a result of spending time on a website concentrating on asexual relationships. So now my regret harkens back to the very beginning when she gracefully submitted to my sexual desires. I always knew there was something missing but figured my skills and approach were lacking. I have such guilt now, thinking that she was allowing me, while showing just the bare responses, to do all those things that normal married people do. She didn't have any desire and all my fervent efforts produced nothing for her to enjoy - I'm left with such guilt and regret and thinking back to our "normal" (never sexually joyful) intimate life only adds to it. Over the last few days I have had more honest discussions with her and all this stuff (sooo long in dawning) was confirmed by her in her soft, underspoken way. The heartbreaking thing is the total abandonment of HOPE ! Needing some coping help...........(but i always thought coping held SOME hope !)
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Post by frednsa on Sept 25, 2020 17:04:38 GMT -5
It’s gotten to the point where I feel bad for asking because I’m asking him knowing he doesn’t want to. I asked about 4 weeks ago. I took the weekend off (something I very early do because I’m a retail manager) I thought it would help if we spent time together. I asked him thru text while I was at work on Friday if we could have sex at some point this weekend. He agreed. Well fast forward to Saturday night, after we finished watching our usual 2 hours of nexflix He said “can we just watch a movie instead of having sex”? Y’all. This hurt me deeply. The next day I told him if he ever denied me again he wouldn’t have to worry about me asking ever again because it would be over. Since then he’s asked three times and all three times I said no. I feel like he’s only asking because he knows he hurt my feelings really bad. If you tell him it is over be prepared to follow through, or your threats lose teeth. I did feel bad, totally unjustified. I have to catch myself. You are justified pushing him away, take note that it's fruitless. Tit for tat tears down an R little by little, I can't blame you, I am capable of the same actions. Hate to see ya in pain. Bottom line (hate that expression): you can't make people desire what they don't desire and cannot enjoy
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Post by h on Sept 26, 2020 6:50:42 GMT -5
It’s gotten to the point where I feel bad for asking because I’m asking him knowing he doesn’t want to. I asked about 4 weeks ago. I took the weekend off (something I very early do because I’m a retail manager) I thought it would help if we spent time together. I asked him thru text while I was at work on Friday if we could have sex at some point this weekend. He agreed. Well fast forward to Saturday night, after we finished watching our usual 2 hours of nexflix He said “can we just watch a movie instead of having sex”? Y’all. This hurt me deeply. The next day I told him if he ever denied me again he wouldn’t have to worry about me asking ever again because it would be over. Since then he’s asked three times and all three times I said no. I feel like he’s only asking because he knows he hurt my feelings really bad. He asked again last night but i told him I got my period (I personally do not like having sex during my time of the month). I texted him while I was at work today and told him I should be good to go by Friday. He said “ok. Loud and clear”. Well this got me thinking. Did he say that because in a round about way I was asking? Because I told him if he ever rejected me again it was over? Am I making him do something he doesn’t want to do? Well after talking myself out of it I texted him back and told him to never mind I was over it, I changed my mind. He’s got me so fucked in the head that even thinking about having sex with him fills me with anxiety. I don’t know how I even manage to get enough courage to ask in the first place, that’s why I ask they text, at least I’m not getting rejected to my face. When he does actually ask me I think he’s only asking to keep the peace not because he actually wants to be with me. After a lifetime (50+ years) of living with a lovely lady i learn that she is asexual - my discovery, not her revelation. Took soooo long to come to this realization and then only as a result of spending time on a website concentrating on asexual relationships. So now my regret harkens back to the very beginning when she gracefully submitted to my sexual desires. I always knew there was something missing but figured my skills and approach were lacking. I have such guilt now, thinking that she was allowing me, while showing just the bare responses, to do all those things that normal married people do. She didn't have any desire and all my fervent efforts produced nothing for her to enjoy - I'm left with such guilt and regret and thinking back to our "normal" (never sexually joyful) intimate life only adds to it. Over the last few days I have had more honest discussions with her and all this stuff (sooo long in dawning) was confirmed by her in her soft, underspoken way. The heartbreaking thing is the total abandonment of HOPE ! Needing some coping help...........(but i always thought coping held SOME hope !)
You either need to find an alternative outlet for your sex drive (outsourcing in some way either as an open marriage or secret fwb) or find a way to suppress your sex drive (medication, diet or lifestyle changes) or recognize that your marriage can't be sustainable and work towards ending it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 26, 2020 8:21:43 GMT -5
1) Well fast forward to Saturday night, after we finished watching our usual 2 hours of nexflix He said “can we just watch a movie instead of having sex”? 2) I think he’s only asking to keep the peace not because he actually wants to be with me. 1) I remember looking for these moments, words, actions, with my now ex, once I realized how much they where toxic double standards! I would then turn them around and use the same words and actions back on my ex. Guess what? THAT was not acceptable! How dare I say no to her, and her ways of getting what she wants! I was taking her power and control away from her, by insisting on having what I wanted and needed. This is what happens when you confront a,' taker' by refusing to 'give', and start 'taking' for yourself. 2) He's willing to give you a crumb, so he can go back to having his whole entire cake. A reset. psiloveyou.xyz/is-your-partner-bare-minimum-ing-you-bd476046edf2You are actually helping yourself by vocalizing/communicating your own wants and needs. The short term pain ( rejection) is worth the long time gain, of learning not to be a doormat and giving in to others demands, when your voice and actions are constantly denied. If sex is important to you-- It's important to the relationship. It's that simple! If sex is not a priority in your life and you have a partner that is okay with that, you are winning! But if sex is something you value, you either need a partner who feels the same way. Or a partner who is willing to outsource that portion of the relationship.
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grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by grower on Oct 8, 2020 8:19:03 GMT -5
Fuck Survival!!! Live today Dixie!
IF they don't fn get it, they are not going to get it.
I tried to be as patient and understanding, and 20 years of my life went by. There are actual people who have and enjoy sex on a regular basis. It should be a loving, joyous, exciting and stress relieving part of your life. Sex or lack of, and all the associated feelings that go along with it should not be part of a Marriage that began with a normal sex life. Granted not everyone is in the mood all the time, but rarely or never, begging, bartering is all crap. I don't see it changing and it's not right. Should be considered as a form of spousal abuse. Just my 2 cents, Good luck
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Post by Chatter Fox on Oct 28, 2020 22:02:23 GMT -5
I totally feel ya. I haven't asked in almost 3 years for this very reason. If I feel like my sexual needs are a burden rather than a genuine and mutually desired outcome for both of us, then I'm just not into it. I mean, I'm ok with her playing hard to get. But..playing impossible to get though? ...um... that's not fun. It's an indication of genuine disinterest in me. ..and it makes me feel extremely disinterested in her. It's odd because although I've wanted sex over these last 3 years, I haven't wanted sex with her. Its not because I find her unattractive. That's not the problem at all. I do find her attractive, but the rejection has become too much. It's not even remotely close to being worth the effort.
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