Do y’all ever feel bad about asking? Sept 14, 2020 10:23:53 GMT -5 DryCreek, ironhamster, and 1 more like this
Post by h on Sept 14, 2020 10:23:53 GMT -5
1. She said no. This would also likely involve her getting angry because in her mind that's all I thought about, despite me asking her maybe just 4-5 times per year. I left this exchange feeling rejected, unattractive, and perverse for having a sexual need.
2. She didn't say yes or no. She simply started listing out and verbalizing all the things on her mind that she "had to do". It included shopping lists, household chores, stuff with the kids, stuff for her family, stuff for my family, etc. This was always the most common response to a sexual advance I would get. I believe in her mind it was a softer rejection for me. I tried for a long time to get in front of anything she could come up with by doing all the chores, taking care of things, etc. However, I *finally* learned she could spin anything into a reason why we couldn't have intimacy at that moment, so I stopped trying to take care of everything. Hearing "the list" became just as bad and maybe worse than hearing an outright no. Interesting note: when I would would walk away, she would usually stay in bed, watch TV, or get on social media...all of the sudden, the list could wait again!
3. She begrudgingly said yes. At one time I would think to myself "Yes! This is what I wanted so much and waited so long for!". In my 30s, I was actually OK with the reluctant yes and starfish sex. It wasn't great, but it was better than nothing. Now in my 40s, I just can't do that anymore. I want more than that. In fact, I now have trouble getting it up when we're about to engage in PIV sex. I think I know in my mind the whole scenario is just wrong. I don't believe I have a physical condition because I have no trouble with erections when masturbating. If I eventually get it up and we accomplish sex, it's an awkward experience and I feel guilty knowing she really didn't want to. The whole experience, even on the rare occasions when it happens, is just unfulfilling.
So, I stopped asking. The prospects of getting a no, a roundabout no, or unfulfilling sex sprinkled with guilt are enough to keep me from asking. The funny thing is, when I decided to stop asking I thought she might eventually break down and ask me why I haven't initiated or initiate herself. For the record, this hasn't happened yet!
I reached the point of not initiating a few years ago. She never outright said anything about it, but she noticed the change. She's made hints occasionally about my lack of interest in her and lack of attention paid in general, but never brought up the topic of initiating sex. I feel much better about myself now. She can't reject me directly or indirectly and she can't unenthusiastically starfish me either if I never make the first move.