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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 28, 2020 14:16:55 GMT -5
BEFORE IT BECAME A "THING"..hmmmmmm....In my roughly 50 odd yrs. of sexual exploration and experience I have used condoms perhaps maybe 4 times, maybe. And on a couple of those occasions at some point my partner and I agreed to removal of the rubber raincoat. I don't like them as they take away so much of the physical sensations that come with PIV sex. I think if a new partner insisted on using a condom I would just say "Thanks, but no thanks". I would instead offer up a recent copy of the testing done by my Dr. showing I was STD free. I would expect my partner to do the same. If she was adamant about the condom that would be a red flag for me and I would look for a new partner.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 28, 2020 14:26:18 GMT -5
BEFORE IT BECAME A "THING"..hmmmmmm....In my roughly 50 odd yrs. of sexual exploration and experience I have used condoms perhaps maybe 4 times, maybe. And on a couple of those occasions at some point my partner and I agreed to removal of the rubber raincoat. I don't like them as they take away so much of the physical sensations that come with PIV sex. I think if a new partner insisted on using a condom I would just say "Thanks, but no thanks". I would instead offer up a recent copy of the testing done by my Dr. showing I was STD free. I would expect my partner to do the same. If she was adamant about the condom that would be a red flag for me and I would look for a new partner. That's great for you and your circumstance. It wasn't ideal for mine. As a newly single person, I had little idea of the availability of partners I'd have, no norm for the frequency of changing them (which could be quite a bit), no norm for expectations of monogamy within my age bracket in a metropolitan city (especially in the first month or three), and a pace of sexual involvement that likely involved a sexual encounter within a few dates. Regardless of statistical likelihoods for STIs, habits to the degree they can be assessed or anticipated, and even testing - many Millennials seem to regard condom use as a matter of morality or as a proxy of hygiene- not specifically relating to scientific safety - but more as a display of manners and habit.
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Post by Handy on Aug 28, 2020 14:34:13 GMT -5
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justjillian
Junior Member
Mom of 2, married 7 years
Posts: 28
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by justjillian on Aug 28, 2020 21:47:21 GMT -5
I feel terrible asking, don't even have the courage anymore. I applaud you for still asking. If he asked you that many times, maybe he is receptive? Maybe accepting an invitation and seeing how it goes is the best way to tell if he is sincere.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 29, 2020 5:54:02 GMT -5
I wonder if there is a peverse counting system. We count the refusals and claim no sex. They count the approaches and claim we have sex all the time.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2020 10:16:54 GMT -5
I also feel bad asking for sex nowadays. By doing so, I am basically hurling myself into a catch 22. Here are the three basic scenarios when I used to ask:
1. She said no. This would also likely involve her getting angry because in her mind that's all I thought about, despite me asking her maybe just 4-5 times per year. I left this exchange feeling rejected, unattractive, and perverse for having a sexual need.
2. She didn't say yes or no. She simply started listing out and verbalizing all the things on her mind that she "had to do". It included shopping lists, household chores, stuff with the kids, stuff for her family, stuff for my family, etc. This was always the most common response to a sexual advance I would get. I believe in her mind it was a softer rejection for me. I tried for a long time to get in front of anything she could come up with by doing all the chores, taking care of things, etc. However, I *finally* learned she could spin anything into a reason why we couldn't have intimacy at that moment, so I stopped trying to take care of everything. Hearing "the list" became just as bad and maybe worse than hearing an outright no. Interesting note: when I would would walk away, she would usually stay in bed, watch TV, or get on social media...all of the sudden, the list could wait again!
3. She begrudgingly said yes. At one time I would think to myself "Yes! This is what I wanted so much and waited so long for!". In my 30s, I was actually OK with the reluctant yes and starfish sex. It wasn't great, but it was better than nothing. Now in my 40s, I just can't do that anymore. I want more than that. In fact, I now have trouble getting it up when we're about to engage in PIV sex. I think I know in my mind the whole scenario is just wrong. I don't believe I have a physical condition because I have no trouble with erections when masturbating. If I eventually get it up and we accomplish sex, it's an awkward experience and I feel guilty knowing she really didn't want to. The whole experience, even on the rare occasions when it happens, is just unfulfilling.
So, I stopped asking. The prospects of getting a no, a roundabout no, or unfulfilling sex sprinkled with guilt are enough to keep me from asking. The funny thing is, when I decided to stop asking I thought she might eventually break down and ask me why I haven't initiated or initiate herself. For the record, this hasn't happened yet!
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Post by csl on Aug 29, 2020 15:36:43 GMT -5
I wonder if there is a peverse counting system. We count the refusals and claim no sex. They count the approaches and claim we have sex all the time. Famous scene from Annie Hall.
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Post by sylvester on Aug 31, 2020 13:40:41 GMT -5
It’s gotten to the point where I feel bad for asking because I’m asking him knowing he doesn’t want to. I asked about 4 weeks ago. I took the weekend off (something I very early do because I’m a retail manager) I thought it would help if we spent time together. I asked him thru text while I was at work on Friday if we could have sex at some point this weekend. He agreed. Well fast forward to Saturday night, after we finished watching our usual 2 hours of nexflix He said “can we just watch a movie instead of having sex”? Y’all. This hurt me deeply. The next day I told him if he ever denied me again he wouldn’t have to worry about me asking ever again because it would be over. Since then he’s asked three times and all three times I said no. I feel like he’s only asking because he knows he hurt my feelings really bad. He asked again last night but i told him I got my period (I personally do not like having sex during my time of the month). I texted him while I was at work today and told him I should be good to go by Friday. He said “ok. Loud and clear”. Well this got me thinking. Did he say that because in a round about way I was asking? Because I told him if he ever rejected me again it was over? Am I making him do something he doesn’t want to do? Well after talking myself out of it I texted him back and told him to never mind I was over it, I changed my mind. He’s got me so fucked in the head that even thinking about having sex with him fills me with anxiety. I don’t know how I even manage to get enough courage to ask in the first place, that’s why I ask they text, at least I’m not getting rejected to my face. When he does actually ask me I think he’s only asking to keep the peace not because he actually wants to be with me.
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Post by sylvester on Aug 31, 2020 13:44:42 GMT -5
Hell yes I feel bad about asking. In fact it is humiliating. So I don’t even mention it. I haven’t asked for it in a long time.
The worst thing is when she make a joke with our friends about sex. She caught on because after I had enough I said something that they didn’t know about us...but she did. And I intended it to be cutting.
No sex is a very cruel thing for a spouse to do to their “mate.”
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Post by saarinista on Sept 1, 2020 21:22:15 GMT -5
Hell yes I feel bad about asking. In fact it is humiliating. So I don’t even mention it. I haven’t asked for it in a long time. The worst thing is when she make a joke with our friends about sex. She caught on because after I had enough I said something that they didn’t know about us...but she did. And I intended it to be cutting. No sex is a very cruel thing for a spouse to do to their “mate.” Sylvester, have you had a serious talk with your wife?
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Post by mescaline on Sept 2, 2020 14:40:05 GMT -5
I told my wife six years ago I was done initiating. Managed to stick to it except for two rejections which happended after one of our talks. I quickly learnt my lesson then!
Yet I still can't say "no" to her when she does her annual reset. I truly am in a codependent marriage. Still, acknowledging the truth is the first step...
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Post by sylvester on Sept 2, 2020 20:19:27 GMT -5
Hell yes I feel bad about asking. In fact it is humiliating. So I don’t even mention it. I haven’t asked for it in a long time. The worst thing is when she make a joke with our friends about sex. She caught on because after I had enough I said something that they didn’t know about us...but she did. And I intended it to be cutting. No sex is a very cruel thing for a spouse to do to their “mate.” Sylvester, have you had a serious talk with your wife? I tried. Asked for counseling. No good. And no apology.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 13, 2020 19:32:12 GMT -5
As you sort through this dance of demands and responses, you may well end up in the same place I did. I realized demands and pressure might get me sex, but not the kind of sex I wanted. You can't get an enthusiastic partner with demands.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 13, 2020 20:12:20 GMT -5
As you sort through this dance of demands and responses, you may well end up in the same place I did. I realized demands and pressure might get me sex, but not the kind of sex I wanted. You can't get an enthusiastic partner with demands. Honestly, by the time one gets to begging or asking for sex instead of it happening, I think it's usually too late to save things.😔
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Post by h on Sept 14, 2020 10:23:53 GMT -5
I also feel bad asking for sex nowadays. By doing so, I am basically hurling myself into a catch 22. Here are the three basic scenarios when I used to ask: 1. She said no. This would also likely involve her getting angry because in her mind that's all I thought about, despite me asking her maybe just 4-5 times per year. I left this exchange feeling rejected, unattractive, and perverse for having a sexual need. 2. She didn't say yes or no. She simply started listing out and verbalizing all the things on her mind that she "had to do". It included shopping lists, household chores, stuff with the kids, stuff for her family, stuff for my family, etc. This was always the most common response to a sexual advance I would get. I believe in her mind it was a softer rejection for me. I tried for a long time to get in front of anything she could come up with by doing all the chores, taking care of things, etc. However, I *finally* learned she could spin anything into a reason why we couldn't have intimacy at that moment, so I stopped trying to take care of everything. Hearing "the list" became just as bad and maybe worse than hearing an outright no. Interesting note: when I would would walk away, she would usually stay in bed, watch TV, or get on social media...all of the sudden, the list could wait again! 3. She begrudgingly said yes. At one time I would think to myself "Yes! This is what I wanted so much and waited so long for!". In my 30s, I was actually OK with the reluctant yes and starfish sex. It wasn't great, but it was better than nothing. Now in my 40s, I just can't do that anymore. I want more than that. In fact, I now have trouble getting it up when we're about to engage in PIV sex. I think I know in my mind the whole scenario is just wrong. I don't believe I have a physical condition because I have no trouble with erections when masturbating. If I eventually get it up and we accomplish sex, it's an awkward experience and I feel guilty knowing she really didn't want to. The whole experience, even on the rare occasions when it happens, is just unfulfilling. So, I stopped asking. The prospects of getting a no, a roundabout no, or unfulfilling sex sprinkled with guilt are enough to keep me from asking. The funny thing is, when I decided to stop asking I thought she might eventually break down and ask me why I haven't initiated or initiate herself. For the record, this hasn't happened yet! I reached the point of not initiating a few years ago. She never outright said anything about it, but she noticed the change. She's made hints occasionally about my lack of interest in her and lack of attention paid in general, but never brought up the topic of initiating sex. I feel much better about myself now. She can't reject me directly or indirectly and she can't unenthusiastically starfish me either if I never make the first move.
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