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Post by adixie4you2know on Aug 25, 2020 16:20:11 GMT -5
It’s gotten to the point where I feel bad for asking because I’m asking him knowing he doesn’t want to. I asked about 4 weeks ago. I took the weekend off (something I very early do because I’m a retail manager) I thought it would help if we spent time together. I asked him thru text while I was at work on Friday if we could have sex at some point this weekend. He agreed. Well fast forward to Saturday night, after we finished watching our usual 2 hours of nexflix He said “can we just watch a movie instead of having sex”? Y’all. This hurt me deeply. The next day I told him if he ever denied me again he wouldn’t have to worry about me asking ever again because it would be over. Since then he’s asked three times and all three times I said no. I feel like he’s only asking because he knows he hurt my feelings really bad. He asked again last night but i told him I got my period (I personally do not like having sex during my time of the month). I texted him while I was at work today and told him I should be good to go by Friday. He said “ok. Loud and clear”. Well this got me thinking. Did he say that because in a round about way I was asking? Because I told him if he ever rejected me again it was over? Am I making him do something he doesn’t want to do? Well after talking myself out of it I texted him back and told him to never mind I was over it, I changed my mind. He’s got me so fucked in the head that even thinking about having sex with him fills me with anxiety. I don’t know how I even manage to get enough courage to ask in the first place, that’s why I ask they text, at least I’m not getting rejected to my face. When he does actually ask me I think he’s only asking to keep the peace not because he actually wants to be with me.
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Post by saarinista on Aug 25, 2020 17:11:01 GMT -5
Of COURSE we feel bad. Most of us have given up. 😏 That's why we are here on this forum.
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Post by isthisit on Aug 25, 2020 17:52:39 GMT -5
I got to where you are. I’d rather go without than know he was going through the motions. To quote deadzone75 at least solo you know everyone involved is into it. That line has made me smile for ages. Sums it all up, I just applied it to my whole life!
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Post by baza on Aug 25, 2020 20:06:11 GMT -5
I truly think you've got your focus on the wrong issue here Sister adixie4you2know . Based on your postings thus far it appears that your spouse is a leech, and that, is the core problem. The sexual aspects look like a smoke-screen to keep you off balance and second guessing yourself whilst he continues his indolent ways. "If" you are resolved to (quoting you here) "tell him if he ever rejected me again it was over" then that would eliminate the sexual aspect of your ILIASM deal by taking it out of play. How does that make the overall situation look ? Something that you can live with ? Or not ?
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 25, 2020 22:44:38 GMT -5
For a long time, I kept myself going after each passionless experience with the hope that “maybe next time she’ll enjoy it”. As I became more aware that it was literally duty sex, I felt like a creep afterward, and ashamed for desiring her.
So yeah, long past the point of imposing on her by asking, it eventually felt perverted even if she initiated. In my case, fueled in no small part by some harsh backlash that snuffed my desire for her.
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Post by jerri on Aug 25, 2020 23:32:23 GMT -5
It’s gotten to the point where I feel bad for asking because I’m asking him knowing he doesn’t want to. I asked about 4 weeks ago. I took the weekend off (something I very early do because I’m a retail manager) I thought it would help if we spent time together. I asked him thru text while I was at work on Friday if we could have sex at some point this weekend. He agreed. Well fast forward to Saturday night, after we finished watching our usual 2 hours of nexflix He said “can we just watch a movie instead of having sex”? Y’all. This hurt me deeply. The next day I told him if he ever denied me again he wouldn’t have to worry about me asking ever again because it would be over. Since then he’s asked three times and all three times I said no. I feel like he’s only asking because he knows he hurt my feelings really bad. If you tell him it is over be prepared to follow through, or your threats lose teeth. I did feel bad, totally unjustified. I have to catch myself. You are justified pushing him away, take note that it's fruitless. Tit for tat tears down an R little by little, I can't blame you, I am capable of the same actions. Hate to see ya in pain.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2020 6:09:43 GMT -5
1) Well fast forward to Saturday night, after we finished watching our usual 2 hours of nexflix He said “can we just watch a movie instead of having sex”? 2) I think he’s only asking to keep the peace not because he actually wants to be with me. 1) I remember looking for these moments, words, actions, with my now ex, once I realized how much they where toxic double standards! I would then turn them around and use the same words and actions back on my ex. Guess what? THAT was not acceptable! How dare I say no to her, and her ways of getting what she wants! I was taking her power and control away from her, by insisting on having what I wanted and needed. This is what happens when you confront a,' taker' by refusing to 'give', and start 'taking' for yourself. 2) He's willing to give you a crumb, so he can go back to having his whole entire cake. A reset. psiloveyou.xyz/is-your-partner-bare-minimum-ing-you-bd476046edf2You are actually helping yourself by vocalizing/communicating your own wants and needs. The short term pain ( rejection) is worth the long time gain, of learning not to be a doormat and giving in to others demands, when your voice and actions are constantly denied.
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Post by indianapple77 on Aug 26, 2020 6:12:16 GMT -5
It’s gotten to the point where I feel bad for asking because I’m asking him knowing he doesn’t want to. I asked about 4 weeks ago. I took the weekend off (something I very early do because I’m a retail manager) I thought it would help if we spent time together. I asked him thru text while I was at work on Friday if we could have sex at some point this weekend. He agreed. Well fast forward to Saturday night, after we finished watching our usual 2 hours of nexflix He said “can we just watch a movie instead of having sex”? Y’all. This hurt me deeply. The next day I told him if he ever denied me again he wouldn’t have to worry about me asking ever again because it would be over. Since then he’s asked three times and all three times I said no. I feel like he’s only asking because he knows he hurt my feelings really bad. He asked again last night but i told him I got my period (I personally do not like having sex during my time of the month). I texted him while I was at work today and told him I should be good to go by Friday. He said “ok. Loud and clear”. Well this got me thinking. Did he say that because in a round about way I was asking? Because I told him if he ever rejected me again it was over? Am I making him do something he doesn’t want to do? Well after talking myself out of it I texted him back and told him to never mind I was over it, I changed my mind. He’s got me so fucked in the head that even thinking about having sex with him fills me with anxiety. I don’t know how I even manage to get enough courage to ask in the first place, that’s why I ask they text, at least I’m not getting rejected to my face. When he does actually ask me I think he’s only asking to keep the peace not because he actually wants to be with me. Hello OP I just dont understand why do you guys have to plan well in advance to havr sex ? Are you guys so busy to make a mark in your calendar for things you are meant to do ? Now that you both know it doesnt work well when you plan in advance, I guess you guys must go for a quicky. No intimations nothing at all. The monent you are done with your day, either of you should initiate and trust me you’ll enjoy it. More on your reply !
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Post by lessingham on Aug 26, 2020 17:33:16 GMT -5
Just playing devil's advocate here a bit. You set your demands, he complied and then you refused him!
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Post by h on Aug 27, 2020 5:43:59 GMT -5
I haven't initiated in a few years now. If she's interested, I'm available, but I don't ask anymore. We have the same frequency of sex now as we had before I quit asking so my asking did nothing to change her behavior. I told her during our last talk that I was done with initiating. I told her that I couldn't tolerate any more rejection so I wasn't going to ask anymore. If we were ever going to have a sex life, it was on her to make it happen because if I had to feel that rejection one more time, it would be over between us. It's been a couple years since I last initiated.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 27, 2020 6:07:08 GMT -5
Just playing devil's advocate here a bit. You set your demands, he complied and then you refused him! Overthinking? Totally understandable, but potentially counterproductive. If he's sincere, kind of a shame. When I see marriages turned around it seems 75% include wives that get their husbands to shape up and show up. He says the right things. Will he deliver? Easy enough to find out. It's a different matter if the prize isn't interesting anymore. (too much damage.) as @pagdemi alluded to.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 27, 2020 9:40:50 GMT -5
Just playing devil's advocate here a bit. You set your demands, he complied and then you refused him! Overthinking? Totally understandable, but potentially counterproductive. If he's sincere, kind of a shame. When I see marriages turned around it seems 75% include wives that get their husbands to shape up and show up. He says the right things. Will he deliver? Easy enough to find out. It's a different matter if the prize isn't interesting anymore. (too much damage.) as @pagdemi alluded to. A common result. Most people come on here thinking their problem is the lack of sex. That's not wrong, but the lack of sex in their marriage is a result - not a cause. It's not actually difficult to get sex. It's just hard to get the sex that you want. Easy to have it with yourself, but there are reasons that's not going to satisfy. Easy enough in many cases for reasonably attractive women to get it from others - but that's also not suitable in most cases. You can get it by dropping standards in partner or circumstance, by cheating and/or paying someone. You can sometimes get it by threatening your spouse with a severe consequence - such as divorce or an imminent affair. A risky play, but it can produce compliant sex for a while -- but here we have the reversal of that request upon the acquiescence to it. Why? Maybe an intuitive grasping that the lack of sex in the relationship is actually the result of an upstream disconnection on the part of the averse partner - contempt or feeling trapped or resentful of what the sex represents. Gun to head, your partner will have sex with you. So, you've learned that threatening divorce may cause your partner to agree to sex with you. Flip it around - how do you WANT to feel when you have sex with a partner? Desired? Sexy? Close? How would you expect to feel if your partner agrees to sex with you that you know they obviously DO NOT WANT? maybe the opposite of that. And it's how your partner feels - the feeling that results in them not wanting sex with you has already happened. It's here - you both live in that. It's really unlikely that just having the sex irrespective of that is going to produce the desire after the fact. It's not that they've forgotten somehow. The lack of sex may be driving a wedge on your side, but it is observable evidence that a partner has already left on their side. You want sex but that's not all you want in a marriage. Most unmarried people, just new to dating, want more than just sex. They want the package that compels the desire to have sex - that results in sex as one expression of the connection.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2020 10:11:28 GMT -5
Great post apocrypha.
To answer the original question from my perspective. I used to feel bad for asking (feel bad being a substitute for a very complex set of feelings) which is why I no longer ask and we've been in separate bedrooms for a couple years.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 28, 2020 4:58:48 GMT -5
It's a different matter if the prize isn't interesting anymore. (too much damage.) as @pagdemi alluded to. sex with you that you know they obviously DO NOT WANT? In this very specific instance, the husband is getting medical attention. I got the impression he's choosing to do so, not being pushed there. (Perhaps I misread it) Repaired health can produce desire, physiologically. (True, he hasn't actually gone yet, to my recollection.) The lack of pushback was (comparing with other stories) unusual. The efforts he's made have been met with approval thus far. He was unable to perform, but she seems patient to keep trying. The doctor visits may give him the edge he needs to make the sessions more in line with expectations and more pleasant for both. For most couples here, your observations, unfortunately, apply too well. Perhaps you see less hope than I. You've got a much longer history. My cheerleading may be a sign of naiveté.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 28, 2020 12:04:02 GMT -5
sex with you that you know they obviously DO NOT WANT? In this very specific instance, the husband is getting medical attention. I got the impression he's choosing to do so, not being pushed there. (Perhaps I misread it) Repaired health can produce desire, physiologically. (True, he hasn't actually gone yet, to my recollection.) The lack of pushback was (comparing with other stories) unusual. The efforts he's made have been met with approval thus far. He was unable to perform, but she seems patient to keep trying. The doctor visits may give him the edge he needs to make the sessions more in line with expectations and more pleasant for both. For most couples here, your observations, unfortunately, apply too well. Perhaps you see less hope than I. You've got a much longer history. My cheerleading may be a sign of naiveté. No - you might be right - depends on a few things. In my case, post-marriage and over 40, I found that I wasn't used to condoms and it first affected my performance - both as a new thing and my physiological response was embarrassing which I also found to be dissuading with a few of my partners. Before I internalized it too much, I sought some minor medical assistance to help out and give me the confidence I needed, taking care of that problem before it became a "thing"
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