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Post by ScottDinTN on Aug 17, 2020 23:31:23 GMT -5
My 15 yo daughter and I have always been very open with each other. She has known she can always ask me anything about anything. I was the one that ended up giving her "the talk" a few years back since my wife wouldnt talk to her about sex. It ended up being a good thing as it has led us into open conversations about dating and sex that she might not have had otherwise.
Tonight she asked, "Do you and Mom still have sex?" She's seen us live in separate bedrooms now for almost 4 years. We never go on dates and I don't wear my wedding ring. We don't hold hands or kiss and I never tell my wife I love her anymore. My daughter isn't blind or dumb.
I decided not to hide it any longer. I've always been open with her. I told her that we don't have sex any longer. Told her without too much detail that her Mom had a history of abuse in her past and it was affecting our marriage. But she refused to go to counseling about it so I moved out of the bedroom since it was too hard to sleep next to her without being able to do anything.
Me and the kids were planning to take a quick trip out of town this weekend for a mini vacation. My son backed out so it looks like it will just be a Daddy\Daughter trip. I'm sure she will ask more about it with the amount of time we will be spending together.
It doesn't bother me that she knows now. But I don't want her to be worried about things. Which I know she will at first.
If she ever talks to my wife about it, I know she will be furious that I told my daughter. You can't expect the kids not to notice and I'm not covering for my wife. There are consequences to rejecting your spouse and our kids knowing our business will be one of them.
It will make things easier in the long run when/if I leave some day. It will also give me the oppoetunity to tell her why I stayed, because I loved my kids more than my own personal happiness and wanted to give them an intact household growing up.
So, how did things go for others here when you had the talk with your kids about why your marriage or living arrangements are different than most? Are you still keeping it secret? If so, what have you said if they ask?
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Post by baza on Aug 18, 2020 0:20:13 GMT -5
This isn't advice Brother ScottDinTN - as I figure this plays out in different ways for different people within a specific environment. In my situation (and this is nearly 11 years ago when I left) my eldest was mildly curious about the relationship (or lack thereof) between me and his mother and whatever he asked me I responded to in that regard. My other son was still a minor at that point and had a pretty "judgey" sort of nature as kids often do at that age, and was not particularly interested in the relationship (or lack thereof) between me and his mother. I think that to make sense of it he just took an attitude of "it's Dad who is leaving, therefore it must be his fault". I didn't try to dissuade him from his view, I figured he would work it out himself given a bit of time .... and I was proven 'right'eventually, like about 12 months later. So I think this is a matter of horses for courses. People are different, and what you may say to one kid is exactly right, but the exact same statement to another kid may be exactly wrong. Anyway, now, 10+ years on (and 5 years on from my ex missus untimely demise) my relationship with both my kids is rock solid. The subject of my relationship with their mother sometimes creeps in to the conversation naturally these days, it is all part of the family history. But I've never gone in to the specifics of our intimate life (or lack thereof) with them. They were, and are, quite capable of joining the dots. Again Brother, this is an anecdote, not advice in any way shape or form.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 18, 2020 10:31:05 GMT -5
My 15 yo daughter and I have always been very open with each other. She has known she can always ask me anything about anything. I was the one that ended up giving her "the talk" a few years back since my wife wouldnt talk to her about sex. It ended up being a good thing as it has led us into open conversations about dating and sex that she might not have had otherwise. Tonight she asked, "Do you and Mom still have sex?" She's seen us live in separate bedrooms now for almost 4 years. We never go on dates and I don't wear my wedding ring. We don't hold hands or kiss and I never tell my wife I love her anymore. My daughter isn't blind or dumb. I decided not to hide it any longer. I've always been open with her. I told her that we don't have sex any longer. Told her without too much detail that her Mom had a history of abuse in her past and it was affecting our marriage. But she refused to go to counseling about it so I moved out of the bedroom since it was too hard to sleep next to her without being able to do anything. Me and the kids were planning to take a quick trip out of town this weekend for a mini vacation. My son backed out so it looks like it will just be a Daddy\Daughter trip. I'm sure she will ask more about it with the amount of time we will be spending together. It doesn't bother me that she knows now. But I don't want her to be worried about things. Which I know she will at first. If she ever talks to my wife about it, I know she will be furious that I told my daughter. You can't expect the kids not to notice and I'm not covering for my wife. There are consequences to rejecting your spouse and our kids knowing our business will be one of them. It will make things easier in the long run when/if I leave some day. It will also give me the opportunity to tell her why I stayed, because I loved my kids more than my own personal happiness and wanted to give them an intact household growing up. So, how did things go for others here when you had the talk with your kids about why your marriage or living arrangements are different than most? Are you still keeping it secret? If so, what have you said if they ask? The sequence of events is hazy but I was giving my older daughter a ride home when she detected odd behavior. She knew I was going somewhere and was being vague about it. When she poked and pried I admitted seeing someone on a breakfast date and hike around a lake (my first extra marital date). She didn't ask much, but the vibe I got was "I'm not surprised at all but don't know how I feel about it." She and her mother didn't get along, so she was ready to believe the worst. Younger daughter may still be in the dark. Wouldn't be surprised if she knew. Maybe my older daughter told her. That'd be totally likely. My older daughter didn't keep secrets from anyone but me. My second and last date was explaining to a prospective FWB that my wife had reset, largely due to my dating. My younger daughter was off at college so wouldn't know about this date, so it's possible the younger daughter figures it's over with just the one having taken place and no sign I'm stepping out (because I'm not.) Younger daughter is home for online college so setting up the next date will quite possibly open that very can of worms very soon. I'll try to share any fallout. The reset has hit a bump in the road. Due to COVID it may be nothing, but it may also be the wife thinks COVID is an excuse for going back to the four times a year I used to tolerate. Got news for ya, m'love....
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Post by saarinista on Aug 18, 2020 13:56:03 GMT -5
Again. The truth will set us free. And only the truth, IMHO.
Anything that cannot exist but for unpleasant secrets is almost certainly bad.
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Post by bozodeclowne on Aug 18, 2020 15:33:30 GMT -5
Our 16yr old daughter has not outright asked me, and I don't know if she has asked her mother. Daughter has suggested a few times that we should spend more time together to "reignite our love". She's smart enough to connect the dots, given that I sleep in the basement and have for a few years. I'm sure she can also see how my wife has withdrawn all affection toward me. Our relationship sounds very much like Scott and his wife - no wedding ring for me, no "I love you", zero affection and no physical contact at all. Children are not blind.
If our daughter were to ask, I will be honest. No sense lying about it. My goal is to stick around until she is launched.
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Post by saarinista on Aug 18, 2020 17:22:56 GMT -5
Trust me. Your average 16 year old probably knows more about sex than most of us, even if they don't admit it.
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Post by jerri on Aug 18, 2020 22:41:20 GMT -5
It seems like what you did is a good fit for you. You mentioned her worrying, just guide her as you have in the past. You can always ask her to talk to Mom first. I am with you, but those people who think they are doing something wrong will tend to want to hide they're doing and pretend like everything is normal 😋
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Post by jerri on Aug 19, 2020 19:26:14 GMT -5
I have dropped a couple subtle hints. Also I would say that the music I play in the car may have been [intentionally] suggestive, if only subliminally. That’s all so far... Here is not so subtle sex song! Please be advised that you need to open this song in a private place! Not for kids ears¡¡!!!!!!!!¡¡ Scroll warning if you are offended
very sexy Sex song
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Post by Handy on Aug 19, 2020 21:01:34 GMT -5
Sex (I'm A)
I wanted to read the lyrics but that didn't happen. The background music over powers the vocal parts. I had too many years of industrial noises, it damaged my hearing-understanding some parts of people talking/singing.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Aug 25, 2020 5:55:38 GMT -5
Our 16yr old daughter has not outright asked me, and I don't know if she has asked her mother. Daughter has suggested a few times that we should spend more time together to "reignite our love". She's smart enough to connect the dots, given that I sleep in the basement and have for a few years. I'm sure she can also see how my wife has withdrawn all affection toward me. Our relationship sounds very much like Scott and his wife - no wedding ring for me, no "I love you", zero affection and no physical contact at all. Children are not blind. If our daughter were to ask, I will be honest. No sense lying about it. My goal is to stick around until she is launched. My daughter did the same for awhile. If she heard they were doing an activity for couples at church she would say we should go. I'd usually make an excuse not to go. Now knowing more of the truth I imagine she won't ask as much. Another reason I'm glad she knows is it will make it easier when I talk to her about how a normal couple should treat each other. In the past, it has felt hypocritical to say anything. Now I can say, dont be like us. Find someone that loves you completely mind, body, & soul.
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 3, 2020 19:21:33 GMT -5
My step-daughter asks me that. All the time. maybe not all the time but quite often. I just tell her not to ask questions she doesn't want to know. My daughter however doesn't like her dad at all and wishes she had a nicer dad. She wants me to have a man that treats me nice one day.
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