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Post by tiredoftears on Jul 12, 2020 14:29:56 GMT -5
Last night was bad.
I find out, my partner, who I THOUGHT had zero desire, just turns out to have zero desire FOR ME. He still watches porn often and masturbates.
So.... It's just that I'M not what he wants.
I found out because he gave his old cell phone to our kid to use to play with the Star Wars Droids app, and all these notifications started popping up. I sent him this text:
"So, a million notifications started popping up, and it popped up on this old phone, that your xhamster password changed twenty hours ago, in the list at the top of the screen. I did not go digging for info, nor did I read the emails.
Care to have an adult conversation about this later?
I don't know the details but already, I am brokenhearted. Because I am thinking, again, you are hiding things from me, or you never quit to begin with, but either way, it is not that you don't have any desire, you just don't have any desire for ME. And I'm hurt by that thought, I think mainly because you just won't be honest, so I can come to some kind of terms with it.
We can discuss it later."
The way I see it, if he won't touch me, he don't need to be touching himself either. Plus - he has lied to me, for who knows how long. When we were in couples therapy, he promised to quit watching porn, so that maybe of all his sexual energy wasn't on porn(like two fucking hours a day back then), he would have sexual energy for me.
Needless to say, he never got sexual energy for me. I am assuming, he never quit like he said he did. He claims to have quit for almost a year, but I don't believe that. He just found out how to be sneaky. I don't fucking sneak. I am honest with him about everything. This breaks my heart, truly, it does.
We talked. Basically, I gather he's just solo-sexual, or asexual, or pornosexual, idk... I can only assume. I told him to figure it out and give me an answer by next Sunday. I cannot feel I am in a healthy relationship if there are lies and secrets.
He said a sexual relationship is just "too difficult" and he's "not good at it". He also said, "I don't get jealous of your relationships with other people." Currently, I don't have any, because there is a fucking pandemic, and I never would have started trying to form relationships with other people if he wasn't completely closed off in all intimate ways, emotional and physical. Yeah...
I couldn't even have a random booty call if I wanted to, without worrying that I am jeopardizing the health of my entire family.
I don't lie or keep secrets, I don't want him to be either.
Sigh. I'm tired of this fucking pandemic. I'm tired of being so fucking lonely.
I'm tired of not getting fucked.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 12, 2020 15:25:16 GMT -5
That sucks big time!
I'm assuming you asked wat types of porn he likes and it's not gay, trany or some other type that you can't do together.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 12, 2020 16:27:42 GMT -5
Unfortunately you are not the 1st woman here to voice this problem, that being their H's would rather masturbate than have sex with them. Like hopingforchange I would want to know what kind of porn he watches.
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Post by Handy on Jul 12, 2020 17:50:54 GMT -5
Some guys with ED watch erotica, hoping something will cause an erection.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 12, 2020 18:01:20 GMT -5
tiredoftears, this sucks, clearly. Does he have a problem if he chooses porn instead of a ready and willing wife? Absolutely! Is the issue uniquely with you? Probably not. I’d argue that the struggle here is between fantasy and reality, and he will have the same issue with any relationship once the NRE wore off - it’s not you. He has access to an endless supply of different women being orgasmic doing anything he could imagine - what in reality could possibly compete? It’s like guys addicted to video gaming who feel like they’ve personally accomplished something via an in-game achievement. I suppose knowing the “Why” is relevant here, because it makes the difference between you settling for a less-than-satisfactory substitute vs seeking a more intimate and well-rounded relationship. Question is, does this motivate you do do something different?
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 12, 2020 18:05:04 GMT -5
Some guys with ED watch erotica, hoping something will cause an erection. I suppose I could see this as an attempt at “therapy”, if they had grown to be completely asexual. Corollary is that porn could surely contribute to ED by raising the bar for what is considered stimulating. Which I’d wager is a lot more common.
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Post by Handy on Jul 12, 2020 18:12:03 GMT -5
Dry creek, yes I have read that porn/Erotica can lead to ED.
Question! If women read romance novels, does that make then think less of their male partner as being less romantic or sexual?
Tiredoftears, I like that you are being direct with your H. WTG!
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jul 12, 2020 18:17:09 GMT -5
TiredofTears, porn has ruined sex for him; he has ruined it for you both. Apocrypha summarizes it quite well with , " they just don't want to have sex with us" ...it's a mental hurdle to get over but at least clarity has a chance once you do. I really feel your pain because even the weekly guest room action, while nice, is still not the same as your spouse.....daily, spontaneously, and with some care to maintain connection for the sake of the marriage. Your pic...you look adorable...there's no logic to his ways.
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Post by jamesbonding on Jul 12, 2020 19:55:34 GMT -5
I believe people can become addicted to porn, based on reading hundreds of posts by people who claimed to be addicted and struggled to quit. It's an addiction similar to alcohol, tobacco, drugs, gambling, etc. Can be very hard to quit and take many months to a year or more to recover.
yourbrainonporn.com might be useful for understanding what you and your husband are up against and perhaps kicking the addiction.
As with other types of addictions, your husband will have to WANT to kick the addiction, in order for there to be any chance of doing so. If he has an aversion to sex with a real woman, he might not want to kick the addiction. He might have to address that aversion, first, with some individual counseling.
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Post by jamesbonding on Jul 12, 2020 20:17:17 GMT -5
Your pic...you look adorable...there's no logic to his ways. I totally agree. tiredoftears, don't worry about your appearance.
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Post by blueguy on Jul 12, 2020 20:29:51 GMT -5
I am really sorry to hear this tiredoftears! Based on what I've read from your posts, you're libido is exactly what I wish my wife had, as I'm also high libido.
It sucks that he isn't into you like that. I would much rather be with a woman than watching porn. There's so much more intensity with a woman physically and emotionally.
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Post by baza on Jul 12, 2020 22:16:02 GMT -5
I think that the wider issue here is NOT what Mr tiredoftears "is", but is rather a matter of what he "isn't". Whatever he "is", he is NOT an appropriate person for you to be trying to have a sexual relationship with. He doesn't appear to have the skill set, the motivation, the orientation, or most importantly, the desire to be a suitable person for you to have a sexual relationship with. And that doesn't make him a bad bloke. But it does make him an unsuitable a person for you to try and have a sexual relationship with. It's not necessarily anyones' fault .... it just is what it is.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 12, 2020 22:59:03 GMT -5
It will be tempting, even as you come to terms with the truth that you have uttered, to blame the porn. As if compelling him to quit porn will somehow restore some sexual balance back to you - like porn is "the other woman" and if she just goes away - it's all eyes on you again. I see your note slipping back to that even as you write the words, "So.... It's just that I'M not what he wants."
Lots of people look at porn AND have sex with their spouses. I imagine lots of people neither look at porn, nor have sex with their spouses. Just as lots of people also look at porn and don't have sex with their spouses.
Porn's been around in various forms for a long time. Across that same time, lots of people have also managed to have sex with their spouses.
I'd say you are correct in using the discovery to observe that he does indeed have a libido. It isn't directed at you, and I'm sorry for that.
You mentioned that he doesn't have sex with you. Isn't that also a kind of accidental honesty? It sounds like it's something that you want and that is available, and he has a libido, and evidence of it. I'm not trying to be insensitive about this - it's just that so often people keep returning to the corpse and asking it questions, when it clearly has a bullet in its head. It's unlikely that your husband is going to give you a pat explanation for his absence from your romantic relationship - he likely isn't all that aware of the forensics himself. But in terms of what you are dealing with right now - how he feels about you - isn't that evident enough for you to come to terms irrespective of his explanation? What do you need to know that you don't right now?
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Last night
Jul 12, 2020 23:10:17 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by tiredoftears on Jul 12, 2020 23:10:17 GMT -5
It will be tempting, even as you come to terms with the truth that you have uttered, to blame the porn. As if compelling him to quit porn will somehow restore some sexual balance back to you - like porn is "the other woman" and if she just goes away - it's all eyes on you again. I see your note slipping back to that even as you write the words, "So.... It's just that I'M not what he wants." Lots of people look at porn AND have sex with their spouses. I imagine lots of people neither look at porn, nor have sex with their spouses. Just as lots of people also look at porn and don't have sex with their spouses. Porn's been around in various forms for a long time. Across that same time, lots of people have also managed to have sex with their spouses. I'd say you are correct in using the discovery to observe that he does indeed have a libido. It isn't directed at you, and I'm sorry for that. You mentioned that he doesn't have sex with you. Isn't that also a kind of accidental honesty? It sounds like it's something that you want and that is available, and he has a libido, and evidence of it. I'm not trying to be insensitive about this - it's just that so often people keep returning to the corpse and asking it questions, when it clearly has a bullet in its head. It's unlikely that your husband is going to give you a pat explanation for his absence from your romantic relationship - he likely isn't all that aware of the forensics himself. But in terms of what you are dealing with right now - how he feels about you - isn't that evident enough for you to come to terms irrespective of his explanation? What do you need to know that you don't right now? I need to know how to explain our relationship to any future relationships I may have. We're staying together, I just need an easy way to explain. If I could just say "he's a cuckold" or "he's a pornosexual" it's just a hell of a lot easier than explaining out whole weird past situation and leaving them to get to their own assumptions, and getting a bunch of questions I don't know how to answer.
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Post by tiredoftears on Jul 12, 2020 23:22:08 GMT -5
hopingforachangeHe watches soft vanilla type porn mostly. Shit that I find boring. HandyIt is not an ED problem. DryCreekNo... It doesn't motivate me to do anything different... I don't think? Can you give me an example of what you thought of in that question? cagedadventurerThank you for the compliment. jamesbondingWhile that may have been helpful advice in the last, I have actually killed any desire I had for him, and accept a platonic relationship. I am anxiously awaiting the pandemic to ease up, or a vaccine to be created or something so I don't fear a hookup with a rando. blueguyYeah, I prefer being with an actual person too... But to each their own, I guess? baza"He doesn't appear to have the skill set, the motivation, the orientation, or most importantly, the desire to be a suitable person for you to have a sexual relationship with." Thank you. You are right. He's not a bad guy, he's a really great guy. He just.... Needs to figure out a label to give me peace of mind. I know he's different, and I'm fine with that, as long as I'm not being lied to, and I have some way to title what he and I are, or what his sexual orientation is. Pretty sure he's a pornosexual, and that's fine, if he's just honest with me.
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