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Post by bozodeclowne on Jul 8, 2020 15:19:02 GMT -5
The Sexless Marriage isn't really a topic that many of us bring up with others, but occasionally the truth leaks out. Have you had that sort of thing happen, and if so how did your spouse react?
A recent example:
Over the holiday, we had some of my wife's extended family over for a cookout, 10 adults plus their children. This included a niece she has not had much contact with for many years. Said niece is early 30's, newly-married with a doting husband. She's a medical professional and after a few glasses of wine was recounting how she had cared for a young patient with the most amazing breast implants. My wife had breast cancer a few years ago and as a result has implants of her own. This led to conversation surrounding that experience, how she likes them, doesn't have to wear a bra if she doesn't want to, etc. As that wound down, someone else piped up with "Now for the important question - Bozo how do you like them?"
I answered honestly - "I haven't seen them". Cue jaws dropping and niece exclaiming "But that was years ago!", to which I could only respond with a shoulder shrug. Technically, I wasn't totally truthful, as I was present for the surgery , all followup appointments and helped with dressing changes, etc. But the end result? Haven't seen them.
Anyway, my wife had no reaction at all. None. Didn't try to laugh it off or even throw out a "We're old!" joke. Nothing. I have no idea what goes through her mind in these situations. On a positive note, this conversation didn't seem to dampen the mood (aside from mine). The last of our company left mid-day Sunday, and she's been her usual self since. She shows no sign of being upset, embarrassed or aggravated with me. Weird.
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DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Jul 8, 2020 16:10:49 GMT -5
I joke about our lack of sex regularly these days. I am finding the truth helps me get my head around things.
If I’m honest I think she is comfortable with how things are, and she sounds as though she hopes you are,
Others will give you better opinions than me. That’s just my two pence worth.
Keep the faith, and btw you are not old. I’m 54 and still feel young. My mate is 54 and he left his wife three months ago for sexless 15 years, he’s never been happier,
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Post by saarinista on Jul 8, 2020 16:20:49 GMT -5
Life does go by though.
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Post by baza on Jul 8, 2020 19:52:05 GMT -5
In the scenario you describe Brother bozodeclowne , those people you said "I haven't seen them" to will have different reactions. Of the people, the ones who have a decent sex life will probably think you were having a joke. Those people who don't have a decent sex life will probably think "aha ! I thought so". Either way, your sex life is not going to figure in their thinking for very long .... a few minutes at most.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 8, 2020 22:11:59 GMT -5
I think the honesty is a wonderful thing. It won't change her,though. It's still your move.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 9, 2020 6:17:34 GMT -5
If history tells us anything about how one person(s) may view another's sexual life, it is that the viewer generally doesn't try to get too nosey. And for the most part they keep their opinions to themselves, unless ask specifically, or until they are somewhere that their spoken thoughts are not going to be hurtful or cause a falling out. I don't speculate much on others sex lives unless I see obvious discord or I am interested in bedding the female component of the relationship. I have enough to think about plotting how I am going to get the sex that I want for myself. And ironhamster is correct, unless she is called out on her behavior it isn't going to change. And even if called out the behavior still probably has less than a 10% chance of changing. If you desire a change in your sex life it is you that is going to have to make it.
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Post by bozodeclowne on Jul 9, 2020 10:53:52 GMT -5
Oh, I have no illusions regarding where my personal situation is headed. We're at the point where I didn't even bother initiating a conversation after that little incident. There would be no point. I'd love to know what as going on in her head in the midst of that incident, but doubt I'd get anything close to the truth.
My curiosity is whether this is a common reaction among other refusers. We've had at least one other instance of this sort of thing in recent years and in that case I was not an active participant. My wife's reaction to the obvious shock (mostly from women) was the same - no apparent embarrassment, no attempt to laugh it off, no venting after the fact. Nothing at all.
I know there are others here whose refusers at least claim to want to fix things, are still trying, etc. Just wondering what their reactions have been when the subject of the SM inadvertently goes public.
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Post by michael on Jul 9, 2020 11:29:15 GMT -5
I would have been too ashamed to say anything like that. I always assumed if your not getting any it’s because there is something wrong with the rejected. I assume most people think like this. Hence, I lived with years of shame and still do. I always think to myself, “If she loved me, why wouldn’t she want to do this for me.” I still think there must be something wrong with me. If a girl talks to me, I think she just can’t see what is wrong, at least not yet. Refusers can’t begin to understand the damage they do.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 9, 2020 16:48:31 GMT -5
I would have been too ashamed to say anything like that. I always assumed if your not getting any it’s because there is something wrong with the rejected. I assume most people think like this. Hence, I lived with years of shame and still do. I always think to myself, “If she loved me, why wouldn’t she want to do this for me.” I still think there must be something wrong with me. If a girl talks to me, I think she just can’t see what is wrong, at least not yet. Refusers can’t begin to understand the damage they do. Michael, it's true refusers damage us. However, THEY don't damage us as much as WE the refused damage OURSELVES by refusing to own the truth about our refuser's love- or at least their integrity and willingness to adhere to the terms of their normatively accepted contractual agreements with us in marriage, to wit: "to have and to hold," "forsaking all others," "till death separates us," etc etc. Howwver sweet and Godly and friendly their love might be, it's not strong enough to overcome whatever reasons they have for refusing to have sex with us. In that, we are on our own.
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Post by 2019change on Jul 11, 2020 11:16:37 GMT -5
This was such a non-event for everyone except you. I bet no one within ear shot can remember what was said, most would pass this off as a bit of humor or a comment to just zap up the conversation. And the only reason it's important to you is that you were hoping for some acknowledgment that this was inacceptable or make your wife see the damage ...... crickets tweeting.
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Post by h on Jul 14, 2020 4:55:42 GMT -5
The one time it came out in conversation when one of my wife's friends was over for dinner, my wife was pissed! She was furious and wouldn't talk to me for days. If I can find my original post about it, I'll add it to my comment. Edit: found it. iliasm.org/thread/3774/wifes-best-friend-on-side
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Post by carl on Jul 14, 2020 12:30:04 GMT -5
I am personally for telling some people at least. You have to be a little careful not to give fuel to the wrong person but to anybody who i believe is ok with me and who I feel like telling then I do. It’s had some good reactions. I do think other people care. Not everyone but a lot. Just my experience. Depends how you say it though. I just speak how I feel. How bad can it be. It’s not like you’re going to get arrested.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 14, 2020 13:10:25 GMT -5
I don't joke about it to him or in front of him. He is carrying tons of shame about it. If shaming him could "fix" his issues it would have already. I don't want to demean him in front of others and I hope I never would.
I have told a number of people in my life. It is so crucial to not silently have this experience alone. SM is isolating enough.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 14, 2020 19:07:07 GMT -5
One of my younger brothers is in a SM. Maybe one of the worst I have come to know about. His W has refused him intimacy since before the marriage. So why did he marry her? It seems they attended the same church and the pastor upon learning they were sexually active insisted they marry or leave the church. My brother takes his faith pretty seriously so he allowed himself to be bullied into the marriage. Once the vows were spoken the sex stopped. His new W had shared an apartment with another woman for some years. The roommate fell ill for an extended time so the new W didn't want to leave her. This went on for some time. Eventually the new W came clean and told my brother she had no intentions of living with him. Seems she cared for her roomie far more. Then she announced if he tried to divorce her she would take him for all he was worth. A lawyer confirmed she could do exactly that. So he pays her a grand a month and she is content to leave the house and his retirement alone for now. My personal opinion is that she was bisexual all along and saw my brother as an easy mark.
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Post by michael on Jul 15, 2020 5:46:41 GMT -5
One of my younger brothers is in a SM. Maybe one of the worst I have come to know about. His W has refused him intimacy since before the marriage. So why did he marry her? It seems they attended the same church and the pastor upon learning they were sexually active insisted they marry or leave the church. My brother takes his faith pretty seriously so he allowed himself to be bullied into the marriage. Once the vows were spoken the sex stopped. His new W had shared an apartment with another woman for some years. The roommate fell ill for an extended time so the new W didn't want to leave her. This went on for some time. Eventually the new W came clean and told my brother she had no intentions of living with him. Seems she cared for her roomie far more. Then she announced if he tried to divorce her she would take him for all he was worth. A lawyer confirmed she could do exactly that. So he pays her a grand a month and she is content to leave the house and his retirement alone for now. My personal opinion is that she was bisexual all along and saw my brother as an easy mark. She sounds so evil. It’s women like that that drive men to do awful things to themselves or others or both.
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