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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2020 9:29:50 GMT -5
How did everyone's SM progress? Was it sexless from the beginning? Was it gradual? Was it sudden? What other scenarios are there?
Does anyone have a spouse who is genuine about putting in the work to make it better for the both of you? Are you the only one who has a problem or has caused a problem? Is your spouse the only one to blame?
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Post by Handy on Jun 4, 2020 9:57:50 GMT -5
Michaeljames, with so many people on the forum it is all of the above elements you listed. It depends on the individual couple.
Some no sex before marriage and it never picked up much.
Some sex before marriage and then sex tapers off.
Some sex until the kids came along. Some with the first kid, some after the n kid.
Some when money issues became a problem.
Some after a medical condition or an ageing stage was reached.
Some when one partner became heavy.
Some for other reasons.
It comes to mind that having kids is a big issue.
For me, it falls in the money and medical ageing group my W claims.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 4, 2020 13:32:01 GMT -5
@michaeljames, it’s as varied as the seasons. By far, most people here encounter a loss of intimacy after perhaps a long period of great intimacy. For a few of them, it was a light switch that got flipped at the wedding; for most, it happened later, often gradually. A handful of us had poor intimacy from the outset but didn’t realize it, thought it’d get better as the relationship progressed, etc. This is more rare, but one of the patterns. I would argue that we have all had a hand in our situations - perhaps by triggering it, but at a minimum by tolerating it and allowing it to become entrenched as the new normal. Stereotypically, the relationship is meeting the needs of the refusing spouse (or at least, it’s acceptable), so they have no motivation to change, other than the pleas of their spouse which they ignore. Reliably, things do not improve based on the actions of the refused spouse. Nor on the hollow promises of a refusing spouse, or even temporary changes in behavior because the relationship is obviously at risk. Absolutely nothing will change if the refusing spouse is steadfast in their position, doesn’t take a role in making a change, and isn’t enthusiastically motivated to fix things. It is the great exception that we see refusing spouses genuinely, sincerely remorseful for the neglect and taking a proactive, motivated approach to changing the dynamic. In these rare cases, change has been possible. It might not be amazing, but it might be good enough. As one such example, I’ll point you to the recent response by timeforliving2 who has experienced such a turnaround: iliasm.org/user/242/recent |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2020 13:34:49 GMT -5
@michaeljames , it’s as varied as the seasons. By far, most people here encounter a loss of intimacy after perhaps a long period of great intimacy. For a few of them, it was a light switch that got flipped at the wedding; for most, it happened later, often gradually. A handful of us had poor intimacy from the outset but didn’t realize it, thought it’d get better as the relationship progressed, etc. This is more rare, but one of the pattens. I would argue that we have all had a hand in our situations - perhaps by triggering it, but at a minimum by tolerating it and allowing it to become entrenched as the new normal. Stereotypically, the relationship is meeting the needs of the refusing spouse (or at least, it’s acceptable), so they have no motivation to change, other than the pleas of their spouse which they ignore. Reliably, things do not improve based on the actions of the refused spouse. Nor on the hollow promises of a refusing spouse, or even temporary changes in behavior because the relationship is obviously at risk. Absolutely nothing will change if the refusing spouse is steadfast in their position, doesn’t take a role in making a change, and isn’t enthusiastically motivated to fix things. It is the great exception that we see refusing spouses genuinely, sincerely remorseful for the neglect and taking a proactive, motivated approach to changing the dynamic. In these rare cases, change has been possible. It might not be amazing, but it might be good enough. As one such example, I’ll point you to the recent response by timeforliving2 who has experienced such a turnaround: iliasm.org/user/242/recent |
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Post by baza on Jun 4, 2020 17:58:00 GMT -5
Brother @michaeljames ....
I just want to quote a section of your post, below
"Is your spouse the only one to blame?"
Here is my suggestion.
Dump any notion you might have of apportioning blame, judging who's 'right' or 'wrong', who has the moral high ground or who doesn't.
Your fault, her fault, both your fault ..... none of that is going to help you move this forward at all.
You have a shit sandwich to contend with and it doesn't matter if your missus behaviour created it, your complicity in going along with it created it, or whether the cosmos just handed you the shit sandwich just for fun.
The fact is that you have a shit sandwich in front of you and that's what you've got to deal with.
In that regard there is story after story in here about people who also have had the big shit sandwich of ILIASM bestowed upon them, and how they are dealing with it.
Read, read, read, is my suggestion to you Brother.
And as far as you can, dump any blame apportioning and/or "why chasing" and just deal with the facts.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2020 15:45:22 GMT -5
The "meet you halfway" is a serious mathematical problem irregardless of what sets up the dynamic. Let's lay this out by decade for us long-stayers:
0-10: I would have wanted 3-5x/week. Her, 2x/month. Compromise mathematically wasn't 11x/month, it was 2-3x/month and that's being generous
10-20: Next decade, me still at 3x/week. Our new baseline was 2-3x/month. Compromise was 1x/month.
20-30: Me, now at probably 1-3x/week. Baseline was 1x/month. Compromise was 1x/every couple months.
30+: Menopause. Me 1x/week would be awesome, 1x/month fine. Compromise is, we're done.
You're always chasing a downward compromise. She'll ALWAYS be having more sex than she wants and you'll ALWAYS be having less by, in my experience, a greater margin. If you can keep your resentments in check over a 30 year period then this marriage is for you.
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Post by carl on Jun 10, 2020 13:43:42 GMT -5
How did everyone's SM progress? Was it sexless from the beginning? Was it gradual? Was it sudden? What other scenarios are there? Does anyone have a spouse who is genuine about putting in the work to make it better for the both of you? Are you the only one who has a problem or has caused a problem? Is your spouse the only one to blame? I think that a spouse that would meet me half way would be a god sent. From what I see there is sex before marriage, sex out of marriage and sex after marriage. Marriage and sex don’t seem to be on the same page. |
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Post by carl on Jun 10, 2020 13:56:33 GMT -5
Brother @michaeljames .... I just want to quote a section of your post, below "Is your spouse the only one to blame?" Here is my suggestion. Dump any notion you might have of apportioning blame, judging who's 'right' or 'wrong', who has the moral high ground or who doesn't. Your fault, her fault, both your fault ..... none of that is going to help you move this forward at all. You have a shit sandwich to contend with and it doesn't matter if your missus behaviour created it, your complicity in going along with it created it, or whether the cosmos just handed you the shit sandwich just for fun. The fact is that you have a shit sandwich in front of you and that's what you've got to deal with. In that regard there is story after story in here about people who also have had the big shit sandwich of ILIASM bestowed upon them, and how they are dealing with it. Read, read, read, is my suggestion to you Brother. And as far as you can, dump any blame apportioning and/or "why chasing" and just deal with the facts. I agree that blaming doesn’t help although it’s got to be something everyone goes through. But yes, things aren’t going to improve by squabbling. As to the why... again it doesn’t help much to think about it but for me things seemed clearer when I accepted that I really wasn’t wanted anymore. |
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