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Post by lonelynewlywed on Jun 2, 2020 8:36:35 GMT -5
My husband is so wonderful, and I love him dearly. We are recently married on 5-4-2020 (Star wars day, we love Star Wars), and ever since we moved in together there’s been no sex unless I bring it up which has been twice. Twice I’ve orgasmed and he can’t finish. He says it’s because he doesn’t crave it. Before we moved in, we would see each other seldomly due to polar opposite work schedules, I work days, he works over night. We still managed to have sex a few times during that year. We would sext, send flirty/naughty pics of one another. Now all of a sudden he doesn’t crave it?? What happened? Not only does he say he doesn’t crave it, he says it’s due to doing yard work around the house (which he does) as opposed to not doing work like that at his apartment. I said I understood and left it alone. Deep down inside me, something isn’t right. We hardly make out anymore, I could just wear underwear to bed and nothing. I tell him how unattractive it makes me feel, how undesired I feel by him, how I feel lonely and he gets upset, says that that’s all I want since I have a high sex drive, we argue and that’s the end of that. I said if we’re going to stay married then he needs to work with me so we can fix this and he says he will work on it. Still, nothing. The last time I brought it up, he said we can’t keep arguing about the same problem. I’m getting being frustrated and depressed by this. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this because I’m embarrassed. We have one of the best relationships around except no one would expect it to be sexless, Not even me. I just avoid the topic now and don’t even try anything with him anymore. I just stay to myself. He thinks he’s “broken” somehow by not wanting sex but I just don’t believe that. He says he does find me attractive and wants me. I don’t believe that. I’m not sure what else to do. I love this man so much that I married him. However, I didn’t think he wouldn’t want to be intimate with me anymore just like that which caught me off guard and I wasn’t prepared for this kind of hurdle right from the beginning of the marriage. I feel selfish that I want out already but he other half of me says it’s not all about sex, which is true but sex is constantly on my mind. I push my needs aside to avoid conflict and sexual disappointment of him not really being into it and not finishing. I don’t want to cheat. I also don’t want to stay this way for years to come.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 2, 2020 10:36:15 GMT -5
I had a variant of this. Sex took a dive on the wedding night. What I eventually arrived at over a decade later, going back and reading her wedding speech, the things she said early on etc - was that she did not actually want to get married.
Not everyone who loves each other should be married. A marriage is not a vow of celibacy. Consider an annulment.
If you annul (it's only been a short while) and it's too embarassing- consider this instead. Annul, quietly. Like a reverse elopement. Don't tell anyone who doesn't need to know.
If you two change your mind and want to be married, then you can get remarried in a quick and quiet civic ceremony and the rest of the world never needs to know the hiccup. If you find relief in a trajectory toward separation, annulment can protect you both from massive legal and financial complications. Then it's just roommates splitting - which sounds basically like that's what you've described so far. You'll also make a CLEAR statement in the foundational year of a married relationship - which might at least elevate the priority of attention in his mind to the level of crisis that you have reasonably described. Because, continuing this path WILL result in divorce eventually, once you both have more to lose.
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Post by adixie4you2know on Jun 2, 2020 14:46:24 GMT -5
This is no way for you to live. I hate to tell you this but it doesn’t get better. I feel the same way, unattractive and unwanted. It’s very damaging to the self esteem. I feel as if I’ve wasted some of the best years of my life on someone that doesn’t deserve to be with me but I’ve stayed because I love him. I’ve been married 23 years. My H and I haven’t kissed at all in probably 8 years, the last kiss was just a quick peck on the lips. We aren’t completely sexless yet, maybe once every 6-8 weeks, less than 10 times a year. It’s almost always initiated by me. I believe he only does it to keep the peace.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 2, 2020 15:19:47 GMT -5
I work days, he works over night. I feel selfish that I want out already but he other half of me says it’s not all about sex, which is true but sex is constantly on my mind. I push my needs aside to avoid conflict and sexual disappointment of him not really being into it and not finishing. I don’t want to cheat. I also don’t want to stay this way for years to come. 1) I work days he works nights. That can be overcome, but it is not easy! A LOT of planning and honest, open communication has to consistantly happen. The odds where already against it. Pile on your Husband's aviodance and refusal to fix the problem ,gives your marriage an already .01% chance of recovery. 2) His avoidance and refusal tactics will cary over into many other aspects of your marriage. Sadly continuing to degrade your self worth/self esteem. I speek for many on this sight " Please, please, do not wait decades to end it!! 3) Sexting....is words not actions. Words can be far more manipulative, false and decieving. Truth comes in a person's actions. In this case the actual act of sex and intimacy. The fact that he uses words the way he does (DARVO) says a lot about his issues. 4) Do not feel guilty! 5) You are not the problem, he is. 6) Marriage was designed for two people to have sex and intimacy together! A wonderful thing that requires trust and communication, with ONE person. To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, to honor and obey. You are not receiving any of that!! 7) It's okay for you to want to receive, and not just give! Do not settle for a life of crumbs. 8) Sorry you are going through this. Through.... is the key. Let it be a lesson for a better future relationship. You deserve it!!
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 2, 2020 15:24:54 GMT -5
Hey Lonely. I am not a counselor or therapist, so take this with that mind. My advice to you being with my spouse for 25 years (and in a sexless marriage for at least 10 of those) is not to ignore this issue and let it fester into a much bigger issue which takes way more time to unwind the more time that passes before you recognize and address it. Your needs are just as important as his. Obviously something is going on that needs to be addressed between the two of you. If your sex life was good for both of you before getting married and then after marriage it isn't, something's up. If it was never good, it is possible you have vastly different libidos and could be in for a rough road ahead. Communication is important and it has to go both ways. However, it's also important not to bring it up in accusatory manner to make him feel defensive in which case he may shut down further. I'd start it by telling him literally the first sentence you used in your post above - "You are wonderful and I love you dearly.". Do not say "but" after that sentence. My wife has a theory that the word "but" negates everything you just said before it, which I tend to agree with when you are discussing sensitive subjects.
Do it lovingly and tell him you would like to have an open and honest conversation about intimacy in your marriage as you've noticed it has declined which makes you sad or concerned (don't use angry) and you want to try to figure out what is going on and that you are interested in working together with him to make things better. Ask what you can do for him to help bring it back and what you feel he can do on his end. When you start having a two way dialogue without it turning into an argument, you are far more likely to resolve the issue together. If you make it accusatory "You never want to make love", "We need to have sex more", etc., you are going to set yourself up for some push-back and he is going to become defensive and possibly withdraw further. If necessary, don't be afraid to seek professional help of a marriage counselor to help you determine whether this is a minor or major issue. It's perfectly fine if you go see one alone just to get some help in how to address the issue. (He make take offense to you suggesting that so shortly into your marriage you feel you both need to go see one which is why I am suggesting you maybe go alone at first to determine whether you just need a few quick tweaks or whether you need deeper help). There's no shame in getting help to make things better if you both love each other. It is far less expensive to get help now then have to pay for an attorney and a divorce down the road, especially when kids may be involved.
You mentioned above that you keep getting into arguments when trying to discuss it and he stated "We can't keep arguing about the same problem". It sounds like you are in a spiral, fighting about the same thing, but never resolving it. If he used the word "problem", you may ask him what he sees as the problem. He may define the "problem" differently from you or disclose something you weren't even aware of as the real issue of what is causing his refusal. You may see the problem as never having sex. He may see the problem as you "Constantly asking to have sex". In which case, you aren't even working on solving the same problem together. Make sure you define the problem together. When he defines his version of the problem, you should ask him "then what can we do together to fix it?". That takes the conversation out of the spiral and into trying to solve the problem together. Again, you have to steer it out of the spiral and into problem solving or you will keep going round and round without resolving anything. If left unchecked, this can become a death spiral for your marriage. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to pulling back emotionally, which leads to you disconnecting from each other and prioritizing away from your marriage. Before you know it you'll look at your spouse and only see a roommate and perhaps one you don't even like anymore. The goal is to fix it well before it gets that bad. The key is communicating honestly and openly without being accusatory.
You can also do a little reading on your own to be prepared to discuss sensitive topics like this. I highly recommend "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. It talks about the very issue I mention above in getting stuck in spirals without being able to resolve anything, which keeps your relationship stuck in this unhappy (or at least uncomfortable) place.
One last thing. Does your husband look at porn? Another thought is that he may have replaced his sex life with you with porn and is basically just jerking off instead of having sex with you. It could possibly explain his inability to finish. Another possibility to consider is that maybe he just doesn't enjoy or like sex. Unfortunately, if the later is the case, you have a tough decision to make, but at least you'll be making an informed and educated one. Keep us posted.
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Post by ballofconfusion on Jun 2, 2020 17:06:54 GMT -5
You mentioned that prior to your marriage you only had sex a few times a year due to polar opposite work schedules. To be blunt, you make time for what matters. I cannot begin to imagine not staying awake for that intimate time at least a few times a week in that situation. This situation puzzles me. Were you OK with the frequency of sex then? Did you simply imagine that it would change drastically once you were married and under the same roof? Please understand that I understand and empathize. I was married for 25 years to a man who did not touch me on our honeymoon and never once initiated sex. Sadly, I ignored the same red flags I see in your situation. I assumed that everything would change after marriage but, in my situation, it had to do with what I thought were his religious beliefs. I was under the impression that our lack of sex prior to marriage (and it was sparse then) would change once we were married and sex suddenly became "morally licit" for him. This did not happen. You will likely be having the most sex of your life now. If what you see is a husband who can't finish, won't initiate, gaslights you into believing you have a problem, etc. now, then I strongly advise you to run and not walk to an attorney and get this marriage annulled. It will be painful and embarrassing, but you will save yourself decades of pain and frustration. You will save yourself depression and lack of confidence. You will save YOURSELF. For what it's worth, my husband came out as gay after I left him. He sounds a lot like your husband and it is something to think about as a possibility. Please ignore his words and judge his actions and TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS when you say "deep down inside me, something isn't right." This will not get better as you are starting with an ingrained defect in the marriage - it is not springing up after years of lusty love in the sheets. This will not change. He will not change. If you are depressed now, think of how you will feel in 25 years when you realize you gave the best years of your life to a man who was incapable of loving you - truly loving you. And make no mistake, if he loves you. He will want to have sex with you. Minimally, if he loves you, he will not want to leave you feeling "unattractive, undesired and lonely." The man who loves you will move heaven and earth to show you that he does. You will know it when you look at him and when he looks at you. You will feel it when he kisses you. You will hear it when he whispers in your ear what he intends to do to you. The man who loves you will leave no room for you to doubt. I'm talking about you shamwow . I hope this does not seem harsh. It is meant to show you what you are missing and give you courage. It is not you. It will not change. It is hard - but I would give anything if someone had told me this when I was a newlywed. Truly. Hugs to you!
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Post by csl on Jun 2, 2020 17:20:50 GMT -5
My husband is so wonderful, and I love him dearly. We are recently married on 5-4-2020 (Star wars day, we love Star Wars), and ever since we moved in together there’s been no sex unless I bring it up which has been twice. Twice I’ve orgasmed and he can’t finish. He says it’s because he doesn’t crave it. Before we moved in, we would see each other seldomly due to polar opposite work schedules, I work days, he works over night. We still managed to have sex a few times during that year. We would sext, send flirty/naughty pics of one another. Now all of a sudden he doesn’t crave it?? What happened? Not only does he say he doesn’t crave it, he says it’s due to doing yard work around the house (which he does) as opposed to not doing work like that at his apartment. I said I understood and left it alone. Deep down inside me, something isn’t right. We hardly make out anymore, I could just wear underwear to bed and nothing. I tell him how unattractive it makes me feel, how undesired I feel by him, how I feel lonely and he gets upset, says that that’s all I want since I have a high sex drive, we argue and that’s the end of that. I said if we’re going to stay married then he needs to work with me so we can fix this and he says he will work on it. Still, nothing. The last time I brought it up, he said we can’t keep arguing about the same problem. I’m getting being frustrated and depressed by this. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this because I’m embarrassed. We have one of the best relationships around except no one would expect it to be sexless, Not even me. I just avoid the topic now and don’t even try anything with him anymore. I just stay to myself. He thinks he’s “broken” somehow by not wanting sex but I just don’t believe that. He says he does find me attractive and wants me. I don’t believe that. I’m not sure what else to do. I love this man so much that I married him. However, I didn’t think he wouldn’t want to be intimate with me anymore just like that which caught me off guard and I wasn’t prepared for this kind of hurdle right from the beginning of the marriage. I feel selfish that I want out already but he other half of me says it’s not all about sex, which is true but sex is constantly on my mind. I push my needs aside to avoid conflict and sexual disappointment of him not really being into it and not finishing. I don’t want to cheat. I also don’t want to stay this way for years to come. Here is what I tell people on my blog... are you ready and willing to go a decade like this? How about two decades? Since you have only been married a short time, how willing are you to go another 40 years like this? Doing nothing means that you accept your status quo for the foreseeable future. As long as it is acceptable, you will accept it. Only when it becomes unacceptable will you do something. Doing nothing means that your only hope is that somehow, someone does a Jedi Mind Trick on him and makes him want/like sex.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 2, 2020 20:34:31 GMT -5
Hey Lonely. I am not a counselor or therapist, so take this with that mind. My advice to you being with my spouse for 25 years (and in a sexless marriage for at least 10 of those) is not to ignore this issue and let it fester into a much bigger issue which takes way more time to unwind the more time that passes before you recognize and address it. Your needs are just as important as his. Obviously something is going on that needs to be addressed between the two of you. If your sex life was good for both of you before getting married and then after marriage it isn't, something's up. If it was never good, it is possible you have vastly different libidos and could be in for a rough road ahead. Communication is important and it has to go both ways. However, it's also important not to bring it up in accusatory manner to make him feel defensive in which case he may shut down further. I'd start it by telling him literally the first sentence you used in your post above - "You are wonderful and I love you dearly.". Do not say "but" after that sentence. My wife has a theory that the word "but" negates everything you just said before it, which I tend to agree with when you are discussing sensitive subjects. Do it lovingly and tell him you would like to have an open and honest conversation about intimacy in your marriage as you've noticed it has declined which makes you sad or concerned (don't use angry) and you want to try to figure out what is going on and that you are interested in working together with him to make things better. Ask what you can do for him to help bring it back and what you feel he can do on his end. When you start having a two way dialogue without it turning into an argument, you are far more likely to resolve the issue together. If you make it accusatory "You never want to make love", "We need to have sex more", etc., you are going to set yourself up for some push-back and he is going to become defensive and possibly withdraw further. If necessary, don't be afraid to seek professional help of a marriage counselor to help you determine whether this is a minor or major issue. It's perfectly fine if you go see one alone just to get some help in how to address the issue. (He make take offense to you suggesting that so shortly into your marriage you feel you both need to go see one which is why I am suggesting you maybe go alone at first to determine whether you just need a few quick tweaks or whether you need deeper help). There's no shame in getting help to make things better if you both love each other. It is far less expensive to get help now then have to pay for an attorney and a divorce down the road, especially when kids may be involved. You mentioned above that you keep getting into arguments when trying to discuss it and he stated "We can't keep arguing about the same problem". It sounds like you are in a spiral, fighting about the same thing, but never resolving it. If he used the word "problem", you may ask him what he sees as the problem. He may define the "problem" differently from you or disclose something you weren't even aware of as the real issue of what is causing his refusal. You may see the problem as never having sex. He may see the problem as you "Constantly asking to have sex". In which case, you aren't even working on solving the same problem together. Make sure you define the problem together. When he defines his version of the problem, you should ask him "then what can we do together to fix it?". That takes the conversation out of the spiral and into trying to solve the problem together. Again, you have to steer it out of the spiral and into problem solving or you will keep going round and round without resolving anything. If left unchecked, this can become a death spiral for your marriage. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to pulling back emotionally, which leads to you disconnecting from each other and prioritizing away from your marriage. Before you know it you'll look at your spouse and only see a roommate and perhaps one you don't even like anymore. The goal is to fix it well before it gets that bad. The key is communicating honestly and openly without being accusatory. You can also do a little reading on your own to be prepared to discuss sensitive topics like this. I highly recommend "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. It talks about the very issue I mention above in getting stuck in spirals without being able to resolve anything, which keeps your relationship stuck in this unhappy (or at least uncomfortable) place. One last thing. Does your husband look at porn? Another thought is that he may have replaced his sex life with you with porn and is basically just jerking off instead of having sex with you. It could possibly explain his inability to finish. Another possibility to consider is that maybe he just doesn't enjoy or like sex. Unfortunately, if the later is the case, you have a tough decision to make, but at least you'll be making an informed and educated one. Keep us posted. There are two types of sexless marriages. Most are of Type 1. This type of SM is one that had a healthy sex life at one point and deteriorated over time. This is the type you seem to have. However, the original poster seems to have a Type 2 sexless marriage. This type of marriage is characterized by sex ending as soon as the wedding bells stop chiming. ballofconfusion and I each had Type 2 marriages. We spent a combined 45 years in our respective shitholes. We tried all the remedies you prescribed and wasted decades of our lives in vain trying to just figure out the magic formula to get the marriage we wanted. Very few Type 2 marriages end well. The bait and switch lie from the beginning injects these marriages with a poison from inception. The original poster has been married less than 30 days. It is my sincere wish that she doesn't have to waste 20 years or 25 years of her life just to leave and finally realize it wasn't her. She needs to run for the exits ASAP. If she doesn't do that, for the love of God... DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 2, 2020 21:23:25 GMT -5
lonelynewlywed... first, kudos for taking a stand with him and seeking out help quickly. I’m 30 years ahead of you. I was ignorant and missed a ton of red flags, and assumed things would pickup when we moved in together after the wedding instead of living separately with our parents. Sex wasn’t even plentiful on the honeymoon, and I could run down a list of all the forms of intimacy that have never been on the table, or only happened because she felt obligated. It does not get better, and it’s soul-crushing. You will jump through rings of fire and pull your hair out trying to figure out what’s wrong and how you can fix it; you can’t. You’ve heard from several folks here who had similar situations and went 20, 25, 30 years down the road trying to fix it from the very beginning. I am usually very reserved about prescribing outcomes, but you need to eject. Immediately. Don’t get a divorce - get an annulment (it effectively erases the marriage). Spend the money on a good lawyer; borrow the money from family if you have to; do not let obstacles delay you. This is not a “go to counseling” issue. And threatening him with divorce will only motivate him to pretend to be something he’s not, and it won’t be sustainable. Pouring your heart out, crying, begging will not make him “see the light”. He is showing you who he is, and you need to believe it. Your next steps need to be: * Contact 3 lawyers in your area and schedule consultations; book them all on one day and call in sick to work. You’re interviewing them for a job. Meet with each and have them educate you on your options. An initial 1-hour meeting is usually free. By the time you get to the third one, you’ll be asking much better questions and you’ll know which one sounds like the best personality / confidence / style for you. * Share with a friend. Get support locally from people who can be there for you in person. It’s a shitty situation, but not one you should be ashamed to discuss - you didn’t cause this problem. * Share with your parents. It has to come out anyway, so tell them early and get their support. You may also need their help financially to make this happen. * You don’t need to “ask” for a divorce/annulment; it’s a unilateral decision, not a negotiation. Pay the lawyer to prep the docs. If H won’t sign them, don’t think twice - file as contested. Don’t let him stall you. Life is (hopefully) long - you need to share it with someone who adds to your life, not someone who saps your joy. It doesn’t feel like it, but you are very fortunate to have spotted this problem quickly and be taking action.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 2, 2020 21:56:31 GMT -5
I'm curious Newlywed if you expected this much attention so quickly and if you were actually hoping for marriage saving advice...vs. these hard truths? The advice provided so far is all you need. It comes from very caring, well informed, experienced sexless marriage survivors and endurors. Your gut is so right...and unfortunately the marriage is a lost cause. We all simply know this already based on your one post. It is a reality you just need to accept. Many of us would not have married or have stayed married due to children. You're a lucky one here. Run, annul, divorce...just do it. Believe me if it were fixable we'd offer all sorts of solutions. He's not a bad man but you should not be together. The yard work story...just the first of hundreds of excuses he has yet to invent.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 3, 2020 11:27:43 GMT -5
ever since we moved in together there’s been no sex unless I bring it up which has been twice. he can’t finish. He says it’s because he doesn’t crave it. Before we moved in ... We [...] sex a few times during that year. Not only does he say he doesn’t crave it, he says it’s due to doing yard work We hardly make out anymore I tell him how unattractive it makes me feel, how undesired I feel by him, how I feel lonely he says he will work on it. Still, nothing. he said we can’t keep arguing about the same problem. We have one of the best relationships around except no one would expect it to be sexless I also don’t want to stay this way for years to come. I trimmed the bits out to tell a story back to you about the evidence of how you feel, and the evidence in word and deed of how he feels. BTW, almost everyone comes here saying "we have one of the best relationships, except". Are you sure? I don't see evidence of that here - in the process, the lack of honesty and the lack of a frank two-way dialogue on this issue - instead he's pulling to STOP dialogue on it. How exactly is he "working" on this problem? Is he working on it more than you are, in seeking help and advice? Typically the next step of degradation of the relationship is a total loss of all physical intimacy - kissing, cuddling, hugging. "So you don't get the wrong idea." It keeps going. A thing to understand - you can have a great relationship - friends etc. I have a fairly good relationship with my ex-wife actually. I even share many aspects of a household, kids, parenting and an idea of a partly shared future with her. But I have no expectation of sex with her, nor desire to at this point. A lot of people get confused by the positive feelings that they have for their spouse. "He's a good person! We have fun. We enjoy each others' company. We have a great relationship!" But do you have a great MARRIED relationship? He's a good person. You have a good relationship (you did before obviously, you said yes to being married). You don't have to hate someone to not be married to them. I'm not married to nearly every person I meet, and I like a whole lot of them. Decide what marriage is, as opposed to, say, an amicable ex-spouse or best friend. Then see if either of you want that with each other. Thought experiment. take your present deal, as it is, and write it into a vow to each other. Pretend you are getting married all over again - but THIS is the vow. Celibacy. A vow of celibacy. Would HE agree to that vow even?
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2020 18:23:39 GMT -5
Hello lonelynewlywed . Most newbies joining here say that - "everything is great bar the sex". There have been a few polls done on this posing the question - to people who have been members for a few months or more - asking if they still hold that view (that everything is great bar the sex) Ninety percent (90%) of responders - who have been members for at least a few months - no longer believe that. Invariably, the sex is a symptom of deeper and entrenched problems in the marriage. Further, the recovery rate of marriages that find their way onto this board is abysmal. Read here is my suggestion. Read read read. There are stories here from people who have already been where you are. From people who are currently going through what you are, and people who have come out the other end of where you are. Welcome to the group.
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Post by flashjohn on Jun 4, 2020 14:07:49 GMT -5
We have one of the best relationships around except no one would expect it to be sexless, Not even me. I just avoid the topic now and don’t even try anything with him anymore... He says he does find me attractive and wants me. I don’t believe that. I feel selfish that I want out already but he other half of me says it’s not all about sex, which is true but sex is constantly on my mind. I push my needs aside to avoid conflict and sexual disappointment of him not really being into it and not finishing. I don’t want to cheat. I also don’t want to stay this way for years to come.
I don't post much here anymore, but this really caught my attention.
My ExW & I met in college. We did not have sex before marriage, but we did a lot of foreplay, so that might count as sex by some. But there was no PIV sex. She told me many many times that she could hardly wait for sex, and after the wedding sex would be regular and enthusiastic. I don't know if she was consciously lying or if she was just not very self-aware.
On the wedding night in 1988, she refused all sex. For the rest of the week-long honeymoon, she refused sex. We finally were able to have some sex after being married about 3 weeks, but it was not satisfying at all. She refused to wear any sexy lingerie, never initiated sex, and refused me 19 of 20 times I asked. For the next 22 years, we had sex 6-8 times per year. We had two daughters in the 90s. I stopped asking for sex in 2005. I was not able to refuse those few times she approached me because of frustration. In 2010, she had a hysterectomy, and all sex stopped. She refused to go to the doctor to address the problem. I put up with her until 2016 when she told me that I had to be happy and fulfilled in a marriage that never included sex. Yes, I was with her for 28 long years. It took 2.5 years to get the divorce finalized, but I finally got away from her.
Now I am reading that you were just married last month, and you are having the same problems I had in 1988. I cannot tell you how many times I wished someone had told me what I am about to tell you:
1) He may love you like a friend or roommate, but not like a husband. 2) If he really loved you, he would be doing whatever it takes to resolve this issue. 3) This issue is not going to get better, but only worse.
I am now remarried, and I am very happy with my wife, but I lost a huge amount of my retirement in the divorce, and more importantly, i lost 3 decades of my life. I still sometimes wish I could go back in time and tell my 23 year old self to run away from her and never look back. Frankly, I am fighting the urge to tell you to run away immediately.
I know that divorce or annulment does not sound attractive now, and it probably will be tough on you, however think about this: Imagine that it is 20 years from now, you have kids at home, a mortgage, joint bank accounts and investments, and things have never changed. That is going to be much much harder on you.
I suggest this. Tell him that you are extremely unhappy with the lack of sex in your marriage, it is not what you signed up for, and he needs to get medical or psychological help to get this issue resolved. Then tell him that he has 90 days to make a serious change or the marriage is in jeopardy. Then do not mention it again. Then just observe his behavior. If he actually makes efforts to change and you see measurable progress, you can continue the marriage. If he does not, it is time to talk to a lawyer to discuss your options. You will be doing both him and you a favor.
Life is entirely too short to live with a spouse who is not attracted to you enough to fuck you. You signed up for monogamy, not celibacy.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 4, 2020 15:07:49 GMT -5
My heartfelt thanks to everyone who wrote to this woman! Wonderful, heartfelt advice! Very accurate ,spot on, mentor advice! (at a great price too!! ) I hope we hear back from lonelynewlywed ..... it's understandable that ending a marriage is a huge step. Especially only a few months into it. So many hopes,dreams, and emotions that all get turned around. Add to it the ( FOG - Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) As many of us can testify , the action part of setting boundaries ( consequences) can be a very painful thing. Not for the faint of heart. And yet ,like many things in life "to the BOLD go the prizes. Ask and you shall receive!" Much of this can be too hard to comprehend and digest. The first step is always the hardest...it does get better!! Don't feel like you have to answer back to any of us individually. Please give a follow up in the next few weeks to come, for your own bennifit, telling us how you are doing... (The good, the bad, and the ugly) Side note: There was a young woman (22 yrs old?) in my Divorce Recovery Class, who was married about 6 months and was getting divorced. Sadly, her case was ...extreme. Violence, illegal money laundering, frued, her STBX evading the law, sexlessness, etc... Her strength, attitude and perseverence was a beacon of light for the rest of us!! Many good , highly quailified , caring people came to her aid to help set her free! ( attorneys, realtors, police, bankers and councilors) Like her, , you deserve a much better life and relationship. Take care of yourself!
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 5, 2020 16:22:57 GMT -5
"Life is entirely too short to live with a spouse who is not attracted to you enough to fuck you. You signed up for monogamy, not celibacy."
That pretty much hits the nail on the head.
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