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Post by baza on May 18, 2020 22:42:31 GMT -5
Most newbies stories open up with the member taking a position that "everythings great bar the sex"
If you held that view as a newbie, and if you've been a member here for a while (say 3 months), do you still think that ?
Poll above.
Comments welcome.
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Post by baza on May 18, 2020 23:03:45 GMT -5
I'm an oldbie. I didn't actually think "everythings great bar the sex" as a newbie. Rather, I thought "I could tolerate this situation a whole lot better if there was at least some sex happening"
My deal had a lot of problems, sex was only one of them, and was more like a symptom of the overall situation.
I voted "No, I don't think that any more"
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Post by ironhamster on May 19, 2020 4:34:43 GMT -5
I definitely thought that at the beginning of my search. I had been on other marriage help and relationship help pages. I had resisted a lot of criticism of my wife and why what was and was not happening was the way it was. One day I had an L Ron Hubbard moment and went clear, so to speak, and suddenly things made sense...and I was pissed.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 19, 2020 6:59:36 GMT -5
When I found the old EP site for SM I wasn't thinking "everything's great bar the sex", but I did think it was pretty good. We were pretty good roomies and traveling partners and mostly saw things eye to eye. But as time progressed and all the efforts I made at turning things around failed repeatedly I grudgingly came to realize I was fighting a losing battle. And as I became aware that she no longer saw me as an alpha male and her respect for me diminished I gradually recognized the truth of the matter and gave up. Giving up allowed me to begin distancing myself from her and the marriage. Talking to a couple attorneys I learned divorce would not make a pauper out of me and that made moving forward and out of the marriage much easier.
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Post by isthisit on May 19, 2020 8:26:16 GMT -5
I didn’t come here believing it was all fine other than the absence of sex, but I did believe it to be bearable “for the benefit of others”.
The community here allowed me to see a bigger picture and challenged my thinking a lot. Looked through that lens wow, bearable then looked pretty dysfunctional, unfixable and potentially harmful. The most precious gift from here was the acceptance that my happiness is of equal worth to that of the other members of my family. I had overlooked this for so long it stopped being a part of my thinking. I dropped the bomb, we all survived and it’s tricky still but we are getting there. And I am whole again.
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Post by carl on May 19, 2020 10:11:40 GMT -5
No. I think the sex initially covered over some differences. Everyone is human and I would work through our differences. But I feel as a man that in a marriage there is sex and if the rest is good then even better but if the rest is just average then that’s ok just as long as there is sex. No sex, unless by consent, no marriage.
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Post by Apocrypha on May 19, 2020 10:18:44 GMT -5
I recall our couples' counselling session, which my wife arranged.
In our first session, she told the therapist, "We have a GOOD marriage. It's just this sex thing that's been a wedge between us."
Around six months later, I discovered that she had been in an affair across the whole period.
A good marriage - everything but the sex.
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Post by saarinista on May 19, 2020 13:25:19 GMT -5
No. I think the sex initially covered over some differences. Everyone is human and I would work through our differences. But I feel as a man that in a marriage there is sex and if the rest is good then even better but if the rest is just average then that’s ok just as long as there is sex. No sex, unless by consent, no marriage. I feel that way as a woman. I say this as a reminder that it's not only men who are refused. Women are, too.
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Post by lwoetin on May 20, 2020 4:37:39 GMT -5
Yes, and my marriage is good. We won't be making it far up Maslow's mountain but I'm thankful for where we are. We'd suffocate if we go much higher.
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on May 24, 2020 23:12:13 GMT -5
I thought everything was great but the sex, but not getting sex when one desires sex is a controlling behavior. Understanding a change in frequency is one thing, but a total avoidance and a withdrawal mentally from the topic, to even being sickened by the conversation of trying to improve it is where you start to identify the relationship isn't good.
We have a good relationship and we respect each other, but being controlled is where that respect isn't as mutual.
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Post by deadzone75 on May 24, 2020 23:42:40 GMT -5
I used to think everything was great with the exception of intimacy. Oh, if only I could have sex even just once a month, I'd think, things would be looking up! It took almost 15 years to realize that there is so much more that is flawed...15 years, and meeting a smashing person who, by just being herself, opened my eyes to all the things I have really been missing. I realized that a spouse who refuses you can't fully love you, can't fully have your best interest in mind. And nobody should have to compromise and just be happy with scraps thrown on the floor from time to time.
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Post by Apocrypha on May 25, 2020 8:42:05 GMT -5
I used to think everything was great with the exception of intimacy. Oh, if only I could have sex even just once a month, I'd think, things would be looking up! It took almost 15 years to realize that there is so much more that is flawed...15 years, and meeting a smashing person who, by just being herself, opened my eyes to all the things I have really been missing. I realized that a spouse who refuses you can't fully love you, can't fully have your best interest in mind. And nobody should have to compromise and just be happy with scraps thrown on the floor from time to time. A lot of people in this situation consider an affair as a way to release the steam and find some kind of fulfilment so they don't need to leave the marriage. What you describe here is similar to what I have experienced, where instead, it tends to raise the standard that will be accepted in the marriage, rather than lowering it.
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Post by southerngirl on May 26, 2020 6:42:04 GMT -5
I recall our couples' counselling session, which my wife arranged. In our first session, she told the therapist, "We have a GOOD marriage. It's just this sex thing that's been a wedge between us." Around six months later, I discovered that she had been in an affair across the whole period. A good marriage - everything but the sex. Holy Shit! That stinks
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Post by michael on Jul 15, 2020 15:20:31 GMT -5
I think everything would be great if I had sex. I could have overlooked so much. It wouldn’t have mattered, I would be having sex soon. Instead dirty dishes in the sink would annoy me, laundry not folded would annoy me, etc.
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spencer
Junior Member
I welcome chats - just message me
Posts: 50
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Post by spencer on Aug 3, 2020 15:44:42 GMT -5
I was guilty of this - then realised this is a common misconception. There is a whole lot more depth and width to the issues.
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