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Post by baza on Apr 30, 2020 19:43:36 GMT -5
The poll invites you to vote on what you think is a successful resolution to your ILIASM situation.
Comments welcome.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 30, 2020 19:57:33 GMT -5
Maybe switch "outsourcing" for "cheating"? Or add a fifth for informed non-monogamy? (Consensual non-monogamy may qualify as turning a marriage around. Marriage is delightfully messy, isn't it?)
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Post by saarinista on Apr 30, 2020 20:18:30 GMT -5
I'm with mirrororchid on this one. I hate the "cheating" term. I prefer the more bloodless "extramarital sex."
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Post by saarinista on Apr 30, 2020 20:20:11 GMT -5
The poll invites you to vote on what you think is a successful resolution to your ILIASM situation. Comments welcome. Okay, not to be difficult but I think ANY of these outcomes could be considered a success. However, only one vote is allowed. Such a quandary!
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 30, 2020 20:24:12 GMT -5
I voted for leaving although my heart doesn't consider it a success. It was definitely a resolution, but not the one I was after.
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Post by baza on Apr 30, 2020 21:36:56 GMT -5
Tagging mirrororchid saarinista and worksforme2I had to recast the poll to include "any of the above" Your original votes (if you posted one) were lost in the process.
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 30, 2020 23:09:44 GMT -5
Accepting the truth of the relationship as it is, rather than what I wish it to be. Accepting who I am to her, and who I am not to her.
Or maybe,
Having a fulsome relationship that delivers on what it promises.
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Post by bozodeclowne on May 1, 2020 9:43:53 GMT -5
I'm with worksforme2. My traditional view of success would be turning the marriage around, or not letting it get to the sexless point. Realistically, unless the issue is (if it can be) dealt with almost immediately, I don't think many of these situations can be "fixed". That is a far more pessimistic view than I would have had even a year ago, but I believe closer to the truth. When we're talking many years into decades of SM, I don't really think there is any chance at all. I'm not interested in cheating, and my wife has made it clear that an open arrangement is out of the question. That pretty much leaves ending the marriage as my only viable path to restoring sexuality/intimacy.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 1, 2020 11:42:19 GMT -5
I'm not interested in cheating, and my wife has made it clear that an open arrangement is out of the question. That pretty much leaves ending the marriage as my only viable path to restoring sexuality/intimacy. I also was not interested in cheating, so I tried to work out an agreement for don't ask, don't tell for me to have a FWB. But my X was not going for that either. So a period of reset sex lasting about 3 months ensued. Roughly 6 months after our last talk and 3 months after her ending that period of reset sex, I finally called time of death and took off my ring. Several weeks later see noticed and we began to discuss how to dissolve the marriage and remain friends.
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Post by jamesbonding on May 1, 2020 19:20:26 GMT -5
Tagging mirrororchid saarinista and worksforme2 I had to recast the poll to include "any of the above" Your original votes (if you posted one) were lost in the process. baza , you could make it a multiple-choice poll by allowing more than one answer. I'd vote for most of the options, but I don't like accepting the marriage as it is. That seems like giving up, to me. I don't like secretly "cheating" either. From what I have read and can imagine, sneaking around like a criminal afraid of being caught creates a huge amount of stress in ones life. Better alternatives would be: - Opening the marriage ("consensual non-monogamy").
- Openly seeing another lover or FWB with the spouse's knowledge. The spouse might not consent, but at least they won't be totally shocked if they get word of the affair later.
- The spouse agrees to, or at least is informed about, a don't ask, don't tell arrangement. The spouse doesn't want to know the details of any affairs, but at least they won't be shocked if they accidentally find out.
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Post by saarinista on May 2, 2020 0:09:56 GMT -5
jamesbonding it saddens me that more refuser aren't willing to accept the don't ask don't tell thing. Or accept that the refused has a friend with benefits. All either of those options do to is acknowledge the reality of a marriage and present a way for the refused to get what they need from someone else without impinging on the "no sex" boundaries of the refuser. There are plenty of reasons to stay in a marriage other than for the sex. It's unfortunate that we are often left with no way of getting sex other than by divorcing, which can create huge barriers of its own. Why can't our refusers just be real!?
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Post by worksforme2 on May 2, 2020 7:37:00 GMT -5
jamesbonding it saddens me that more refuser aren't willing to accept the don't ask don't tell thing. Or accept that the refused has a friend with benefits. All either of those options do to is acknowledge the reality of a marriage and present a way for the refused to get what they need from someone else without impinging on the "no sex" boundaries of the refuser. There are plenty of reasons to stay in a marriage other than for the sex. It's unfortunate that we are often left with no way of getting sex other than by divorcing, which can create huge barriers of its own. Why can't our refusers just be real!? It saddens you and it befuddles me. Years ago I tried to figure it out and I came up with a # of rational why our refusers say no to the idea of a FWB on the side for us. But none of them in my mind rose to the level of ending a marriage rather than going along with the idea. For me, and I suspect a fair # of others, it probably would have permitted the marriage(s) to continue with both parties enjoying the positive elements that were present. I figured out a lot of things about my marriage and relationship, and why things ended as they did, but that eludes me to this day.
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Post by h on May 3, 2020 6:14:23 GMT -5
I would vote for two. Turn the marriage around, or leave the marriage.
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Post by ScottDinTN on May 3, 2020 8:32:41 GMT -5
The wording of the survey helped make my decision. What would successfully RESOLVE the situation. She will never change so the only resolution is leaving. The word "YOUR marriage" is there too. So, this mould be my resolution but may not work for others.
To me, an informed open marriage is a bandaid or compromise, not a resolution. It would be hard to do that long term I would imagine. I'd say even if my wife accepted or tolerated it, sneaking would still be needed as my kids and friends would never see it as acceptable. I know you can't live your life for others but the way they see me does matter to me.
Also, isnt it interesting when you bring up an open marriage to your spouse that all of a sudden your vows and obligations to each other matter but they don't seem too when it comes to ongoing sex. Double standard? Selective priorities?
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