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Post by ScottDinTN on Apr 27, 2020 20:02:44 GMT -5
If only there were a sexual compatibility test we could take before marriage. So much heartache could be avoided.
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 27, 2020 21:30:32 GMT -5
If only there were a sexual compatibility test we could take before marriage. So much heartache could be avoided. Might be helpful. Then again, it seemed things were sexually compatible between us for a period running right up until the wedding day, when things took a turn, and then a few lurches after until flatline. Those lurches were: 1. pregnancy 1, then baby 1 2. buying a house 3. flatline - baby 2 What's in common with those, and also the wedding day? Each one marks a significant increase in co-mingling and dependency on each other. It's more investment in the long term. Imagine how you might feel if you had said "yes" to getting married when you actually had significant reservations - trapped. Imagine how that might manifest in the context of your lived relationship. In terms of sexual appetites, adventure, enthusiasm and skill, it Mrs Apocrypha and I were more than compatible. In fact she might have exceeded my own, in chasing me. The fact of the marriage itself - as opposed to fwb on her own terms - was the thing that changed us to a celibate relationship. It wasn't about sexual compatibility. I'd wager there's a general lesson in that.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 28, 2020 2:57:11 GMT -5
I'd say one lesson is don't put more emphasis on having kids and acquiring stuff at the expense of focusing on togetherness.
On the other hand, I have no kids and I'm flatlined, too.
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 28, 2020 3:50:04 GMT -5
I'd say one lesson is don't put more emphasis on having kids and acquiring stuff at the expense of focusing on togetherness. On the other hand, I have no kids and I'm flatlined, too. I focused on togetherness. We both did, in our ways. It's just hard to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you - or married at all, which was the issue. It's hard to be married to a woman who is single. The more "permanent" our togetherness became, the more space she put between us. That space included celibacy (with me).
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 28, 2020 7:26:27 GMT -5
If only there were a sexual compatibility test we could take before marriage. So much heartache could be avoided. Actually there are many available. Dating sites use compatibility questions when configuring your suitability with other site members. I suspect that these tests are largely irrelevant as predictors when it comes to long term sexual happiness. My X and i were seemingly closely attuned when it came to frequency and likes/dislikes relating to intimacy before marriage and for a few years after marriage this continued to be the case. It was only after full blown menopause came about that she steadily began to decline intimacy. and as time progressed she became more adamant in declining all forms of closeness, so a pre-marriage test would not have been reliable. The old investing adage of "past performance is no guarantee of future results " would have been closer to the mark.
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Post by jim44444 on Apr 28, 2020 12:34:24 GMT -5
Sounds whiny and selfish but I want to hear what people think about this type of fantasy, as well as breaking free from a marriage that has very low sex and intimacy. Sex and fantasies are selfish by their very nature. Being selfish is not a bad thing, we each must look after ourselves. As for your hot wife fantasy it is not uncommon. However in order to have a hotwife experience you must first have a hotwife. Yours ain't. She may be a hottie but a hotwife has a mindset where she craves sex, a lot of it. And not just from you. If you want the hotwife experience you might have to be pinch hitter for some other guys hotwife.
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 28, 2020 14:09:51 GMT -5
Sounds whiny and selfish but I want to hear what people think about this type of fantasy, as well as breaking free from a marriage that has very low sex and intimacy. Sex and fantasies are selfish by their very nature. Being selfish is not a bad thing, we each must look after ourselves. As for your hot wife fantasy it is not uncommon. However in order to have a hotwife experience you must first have a hotwife. Yours ain't. She may be a hottie but a hotwife has a mindset where she craves sex, a lot of it. And not just from you. If you want the hotwife experience you might have to be pinch hitter for some other guys hotwife. I'd add, for the peanut gallery - if your slant on this form of non-monogamy is leaning toward cuckoldry - the eroticization of your chastity and erotic denial from your wife - even then it still is an unlikely prospect as an experience to be shared - as a "shared secret" between you and your wife. Among couples that are long term successful with that - it's important that they are both "inside" with each other with respect to their roles and enjoyment of the intensity of it. And it's true - it's one of the most common male fantasies.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 28, 2020 19:49:35 GMT -5
I say fix the frequency of the regular sex in the marriage first, as opposed to shooting for a complicated threesome right off.
It's possible (though not certain) that I'M boring, but IMHO, this kind of kind of activity seems to me to require planning, logistical and supply chain capabilities that even America's largest pork processing 🐖🐷plants can scarcely meet right now, let alone partners in a currently low sex marriage. With two young children, no less.
Maybe baby steps would be a better plan? I don't know.
Again, I'm not even achieving any regular sex hardly, so maybe another commenter has better ideas.. 🤔
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 28, 2020 20:52:21 GMT -5
Apocrypha said: “ And it's true - it's one of the most common male fantasies.”
I thought that 2 women, one man was the kind of threesome that was the most common male fantasy. That’s the kind of threesome that people I know have done.
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Post by baza on Apr 28, 2020 22:00:47 GMT -5
Apocrypha said: “ And it's true - it's one of the most common male fantasies.” I thought that 2 women, one man was the kind of threesome that was the most common male fantasy. That’s the kind of threesome that people I know have done. What about the gerbil / shetland pony / chicken suit fantasy ? I thought everyone loved that one - I must say I'm a huge fan of it which in no way marks me as a degenerate ..... well maybe a bit Do the locals have armadillo fantasies in your new jurisdiction Sister northstarmom ?
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Post by saarinista on Apr 28, 2020 22:07:56 GMT -5
Please! No abuse of animals! They cannot legally consent. Just say no.
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 29, 2020 0:06:40 GMT -5
I say fix the frequency of the regular sex in the marriage first Lol. Ya. Just fix the frequency with which you have sex first. Easy peasey lemon squeezey
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 29, 2020 6:15:07 GMT -5
You might want to dig a bit deeper into "why you want a threesome?". Could it be that you need assurance that your W is sexy and attractive to other guys? Do you want to feel like "other guys want her, but when it's over she's mine?" would you want her to 'desire' other guys? Then you can feel 'safe' in wanting/desiring other women? Maybe the next step would be a threesome with 2 women? Would you want this other guy to be a friend of yours, now and later?
Even deeper ,is your past relationships, and your upbringing. All part of the "why" chasing. It's a good thing ,when it helps you discover and deal with your own needs and self esteem issues.
I can imagine that the 100% turn off after the 2 children has you feeling like you are now pushed to the back burner. Are there any other married couples or adult friends ,still involved in your life? Or is it all about the children?
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 29, 2020 6:43:32 GMT -5
Please! No abuse of animals! They cannot legally consent. Just say no. I don't think many of them can say "no" either.
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 29, 2020 17:28:51 GMT -5
Please! No abuse of animals! They cannot legally consent. Just say no. Nor can they with each other.
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