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Post by Handy on Apr 15, 2020 23:33:09 GMT -5
My observation is some older women have their half or if widowed all of their joint assets from their former marriage. I am not saying anyone will be able to access the woman's or mans widow or divorce resources but it might make the new relationship (if any) a bit more comfortable.
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dbflma
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by dbflma on Apr 16, 2020 16:41:23 GMT -5
baza thank you for pointing this out. It's definitely a mindset and what you said really hit home.
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dbflma
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by dbflma on Apr 17, 2020 12:35:09 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Apr 17, 2020 18:18:34 GMT -5
I plead innocence Brother dbflma ! It's an interesting article you've linked.
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Post by sadkat on Apr 18, 2020 11:18:48 GMT -5
This was quite interesting! A perspective I had not considered. My separation from h would be considered by many as amicable. We both were focused on retaining a friendship of some sort. I’ve discovered that “retaining a friendship” is not entirely realistic. We each needed a period of grieving what we lost. Regardless of who initiates a separation, there are still deep feelings of loss on both sides. The most we can hope for is to rebuild a new kind of friendship. H and I are approaching this phase- a tentative effort to redefine our friendship. It’s certainly not easy or quick but it is doable. The first step is to make sure your separation is amicable and that you treat each other fairly. I give h a lot of credit for that.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 18, 2020 12:52:38 GMT -5
Hard to read it. The article stays on the screen for a few seconds and then, up pops the "send for the free tool kit" advertisement?
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Post by saarinista on Apr 20, 2020 23:18:36 GMT -5
My observation is some older women have their half or if widowed all of their joint assets from their former marriage. I am not saying anyone will be able to access the woman's or mans widow or divorce resources but it might make the new relationship (if any) a bit more comfortable. Good point. Most of us have also worked or continue to do so, and a lot of women are pretty frugal! Another point-it's not as if any of us will be allowed to happily spend all of the marital assets at our sole discretion even if we stay in our sexless marriages. The other point I'd like to reiterate is that like it or not, marriage is a financial partnership as much as anything. And unless you have a prenup, guys, if your wife for whatever reason stayed home with the kids and did not work for a salary.. well, that's a sunk cost. The courts ARE going to assign a monetary value to her contributions as a parent/wife in a divorce, like it or not. If you got screwed (so to speak) with your current spouse being lazy or sexless, consider it an expensive lesson. Discuss sexual and work expectations in any future RELATIONSHIPS. And if you chose to marry again, have a prenup. As a woman, I would probably want one if I ever had a 2nd marriage because I don't want anyone ever to think I'm in it for the money. Especially for those with kids, I think prenups are a good idea. At least consider it.
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Post by frednsa on May 5, 2020 7:04:54 GMT -5
Hello all! I've read so many posts on this site and figured I should put my own story out there to both receive advice and/or to help someone else. I'm a 53-year old male and my 51-year old wife just reached the 25-year anniversary milestone although it wasn't the silver jubilee I would have hoped for. We've been in a sexless marriage for 15+ years now. About 16-months ago I met someone that I fell in love with when I spent time in Florida with one of my daughters while she attended a college program while still in high school. That's a story in itself, but the long and short of it is that I lived there with her while my wife and my other daughter stayed at our other home in MA. Anyways, I met this woman that knows my situation and knows that I've talked about divorce and wanting to get out. She and I have are each others best friend and we share an incredible connection that is both emotionally, spiritually and physically fulfilling. However, despite my sexless marriage I do love my wife and everything that we have built over the years including three children that are all in college now and I'm sure would be devastated if we got divorced. I've been struggling for months about this decision as no matter which way I go there's going to be incredible pain and sadness. The default is to stay in my marriage and try and make things work. My wife says she feels like she's a sexual person and wants to be intimate; however, I think she's saying all of this because she knows that I'm not happy and that I'm close to ending our marriage. In fact, she's given me several opportunities to pull the trigger by saying, maybe we should separate or get a divorce and you can find what you're looking for. I just don't have the heart or the guts I guess to tell her that we should go down the path. Part of the reason I don't is because I question if there's more I should have done and I wonder if I'm just going to regret leaving. On the other hand, my affair partner (ap) is waiting on me to divorce and to pursue a relationship with her. My wife and I never had a strong sexual relationship. In fact, the honeymoon was the last I can remember us having sex that was fulfilling. My wife says she has a low libido and always has. Said she's never had an orgasm, although I understand that's not all that uncommon. She's nearing menopause and that's further dampening her libido. She said in order for her to be sexual she needs to know that I'm "into her" and "into the relationship long term". So, because I've expressed my concerns and have shown signs that I have one foot out the door, she said she doesn't feel like she wants to be sexual with me. So there's the catch-22. I need to be into her and into the relationship in order for her to supposedly feel sexual towards me even though she never really had been sexual throughout our marriage. My ap is very sexual and doesn't require that the stars align in order to want to be intimate with me. I know it's different because we are new to one another, but I can't help feeling that if I let my ap go, I'm missing out on the opportunity to be with someone that meets all my needs and not just most of them.
I know I'm ranting and probably not making all that much sense, but I'm depressed about this situation and not being able to make a decision. It's eventually going to be made for me by my ap leaving as she says her patience is growing thin if I'm not moving forward with my divorce. I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions, especially if you are or have ever been in a similar situation.
if i may play Sage for just a bit. GET OUT ! You'll never convert her. Seems like days ago I had kids in college and felt just like you. She only got WORSE. Much, Much Worse ! It's years later now and i'm far too old to start over. BTW, one of our offspring just got divorced after 20+ years of marriage - kids yours age - both said "ho-hum" wondered what you two obviously poorly-matched people were waiting for. During the parents "talk" with those kids, both said, paraphrasing: "most of our friends have divorced parents so feeling unusual isn't a prospect". So different from our youth when divorce was something shameful. go for it and get laid refularly - it's more the best anti-depessant known to man !
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fred
New Member
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Post by fred on May 5, 2020 17:03:47 GMT -5
15 years of sexlessness ? Face reality: you will never have a great sex life with your wife. If sex is important to you (and if you’ve tolerated 15 years of sexlessness it probably isn’t that important),your wife may be a great friend, coparent or companion but she will never fit your idea of a great wife. But if you decide to leave, leave because the marriage isn’t what you want, not because you think you have a great partner waiting in the wings. Second, on that. The decision to leave has to stand on its own. There aren't any take-backs once you get that ball rolling, but, as a general rule, we, the refused, end up happier out than still in. north, i've tolerated 50 years of zero passion (next worst thing to sexlessness) and I can promise you that moods, needs, capabilities all vary up AND down thru the years. I feel her firgidity now more than ever......AND i'm trapped more now than ever. my advice to provably "denied" spouses is GET THE HELL OUT AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE !
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dbflma
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by dbflma on May 10, 2020 17:29:00 GMT -5
I'm not sure what to post and feel frustrated that I still haven't figured out what to do. When I think of telling my wife that we need to divorce I get an uneasy feeling that I haven't done enough. That I'm taking the easy way out. She is willing to work at this and is rightfully confused why I don't see any hope. Because I haven't pushed her for sex in the past, she doesn't know that I'm sexual and got my needs met elsewhere. I went to massage parlors and masturbated to porn for most of my marriage rather than turning to her for sexual fulfillment. If I could go back in time I would have told myself that despite having met such a quality person that the sexual chemistry is not strong enough to survive a marriage. Now 25-years later I'm depressed beyond what words can describe.
I have a loving wife that's willing to go to therapy and work on our sexless marriage, yet I got involved with someone that has shown me the pleasures that accompany a healthy sexual relationship that doesn't require therapy. I could try the therapy route and give it a timeline (3, 6, 9-mos.?) but when I think about it, should it require this much work? My wife has told me that over the years I've made her feel that she doesn't measure up. That I've been critical of her body and her lack of sexual energy. I do understand in some way that I haven't made her feel special. Combined with her having a low libido it seems reasonable that she wouldn't exude any sexual energy and consequently our sexual relationship suffered.
I wonder if this is why I question if I've done enough. If I actually made a significant change, and like she's asked, start dating her again and asking her to do fun things together, could it spark her desire for me? Or am I just doing what others have done only to prolong the suffering? It's so confusing.
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Post by baza on May 10, 2020 19:11:23 GMT -5
You are doing your damndest here to avoid making a choice Brother dbflma . Unfortunately you (or me or anyone) don't get that luxury. Either *you* choose, or the choice will be made by others - or outside events - for you. And that scenario is highly unlikely to produce a good outcome for you. I haven't got any suggestions about what you should do. That is entirely your choice and responsibility. What I do suggest is that you embrace the concept that the choice in your situation is yours, and that you take ownership and responsibility for it. If you can shift your thinking from "victim of circumstances" over to "owner of circumstances" you put yourself in the drivers seat - and that is far more likely to produce an outcome of longer term benefit for you. Meantime, it might be smart to get your focus off your missus and her assorted issues and direct your focus onto yourself. We all have our own shit to sort out, and that's as good a place as any to start working your way forward.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 10, 2020 19:24:08 GMT -5
Back to the legal issue. My experience when talking to an attorney about a divorce was this. Their first question, "did you go for marriage counselling?"
Not to say that you will find a good councilor.. But, it helps in your legal hurdle towards a divorce.
Second, marriage counseling can be a very helpful tool in affirming that your marriage is beyond repair. That both H and W have to be willing to CHANGE. The counselling can/should affirm that one of you wants complete control and is not willing to make the necessary changes needed to make the marriage last.
One ,very big AHA moment for me, was the day our psychologist told us " you two are setting a horrible example for your children of what a loving, intimate, caring relationship ought to be". You mentioned your kids are off to college? Now a days they end up moving back in with you! You were concerned about the effects it would have on them?
There also comes a point to look out for yourself, (making your own decisions) or no one else will!
Side note: Having another person prove that YOU are still desirable, needed and wanted, just as YOU are, is worth A lot, and may not be something to just throw away.
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Post by saarinista on May 11, 2020 16:20:04 GMT -5
dbflma first, every time I see your user name I think of the family medical leave act..🤔😏 Secondly, I feel your pain. I'm struggling with many of the same issues and questions. One thing I've accepted, though, is this: just because someone is a "quality person" doesn't mean you'll be sexually compatible. It's very possible to love someone without particularly liking them. It's possible to like and love a person and yet not feel sexually attracted to them. And, sometimes people change and what you have is marriage in name only. Having a sexless marriage is fine if both partners are okay with it. But if you're not okay with it, that's where the problem comes in. But I feel your pain. It's very hard for some of us to leave a marriage, even if neither partner is particularly happy with it. I've been struggling with realizing my deal is dead for well over 2 years now, yet still I'm confused about what to do, though I know I'm so unhappy. I think it's okay to struggle because divorce is usually a big deal. It's a change and a loss of a dream and those are tough things. Sure, you can make new dreams, but you still have to grieve that the old one didn't gave the ending you hoped for. The thing that keeps me somewhat focused on making a decision is the knowledge that time waits for no one. You cannot get back time.
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dbflma
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by dbflma on May 13, 2020 17:03:54 GMT -5
saarinista this is certainly the most difficult thing I've ever faced. I suppose that's good in that I can think of numerous other things that could happen in life and I've avoided them. As you note, I know it's possible to love a person and not feel sexually attracted to them. I've lived that life with my wife. It's very sad that I'm only realizing this now.
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Post by saarinista on May 13, 2020 18:09:29 GMT -5
saarinista this is certainly the most difficult thing I've ever faced. I suppose that's good in that I can think of numerous other things that could happen in life and I've avoided them. As you note, I know it's possible to love a person and not feel sexually attracted to them. I've lived that life with my wife. It's very sad that I'm only realizing this now. Yet for some people, divorce is NOT such an agonizing decision. I wonder what differentiates agonizors and stayers from those who divorce? I suspect it's a complicated set of variables.
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