Post by mirrororchid on Apr 9, 2020 6:36:35 GMT -5
apocrypha I know that we both love each other. The main problem is a lack of desire for each other, although she says that she does have that desire for me. She does not "turn me on". I used to love her large breasts but she had a breast reduction shortly before we got married, and then a second one after the birth of our twin girls. So, one of the things that appealed to me sexually was eliminated. The first time she had it done I thought it would be good for her and that she'd feel better about exercising and losing some weight and that it might spark something in her to change. However, the second time there was really no conversation about it and she regrets having this done. She said she did it as a way to lose weight. I'm angry about that but there's nothing I can do now.
She's had a food addiction for decades where she eats compulsively. She doesn't eat a large amount but eats food for comfort and as an "escape" according to her. She hides this part from me and from the world in general although she has a therapist and maybe she talks about this in therapy but I don't know. She has body image issues although she tells me that she looks at herself and thinks she looks good. I have a hard time believing that's 100% true. I think she's either very forgiving of herself or is just faking it to make me feel like it's all in my own head. All of this combined with the fact that she's admitted having a very low libido, never had an orgasm, has never shown signs historically that she needs/desires sex, suggests that I'm just fooling myself that we can resolve our sexless marriage.
In the past few weeks I've been so close to pulling the trigger and just letting her know that I feel hopeless about our situation and that we need to move towards divorce. Every time I get there though I get fearful and pull back, continuing to question whether or not there's more that I should do. I'm beating myself up about this and having a very difficult time accepting that our lack of intimacy can't be turned around.
** NON-SEQUITOR AHEAD ** I confused FlashJohn's AP for Dbfmla's. The following is of limited use. Skip it. Post retained for context to reply. ** NON-SEQUITOR AHEAD **
You've said your AP is 8 years younger than you. You've said she looks 30-35.
You've emphasized your wife's initial physical pulchritude and made it clear you disapprove of her weight.
Beauty seems to have high value for you and I'm wondering what may become of your AP if you marry her.
Is looking 35 exhausting? Is she hoping the need to keep herself as marketable as possible will be alleviated somewhat by the commitment?
Would she be wrong? How essential is lust to love? Can a reduction in physical beauty be ignored and the attraction remain as strong or grow stronger?
I circle back to my question of why your AP is turning the screws to you about marriage.
What components of love are important to you, how much lust can be sacrificed for other valuable aspects? Is commitment for its own sake appealing?
While saying you aren't up for "playing the field", should you be?
What are your own prospects long-term? Is a lifelong companion a priority? Or is rolling the dice okay if it means a more interesting, engaging life overall?
The life you have seems to suit you fairly well. You seem inclined to change it. What that future looks like will be complex and thinking about what you'd like to to be will be similarly complex and if you do a table flip, the outcome will be complex in yet another way. Still, to get to a place you want to be, it might make sense to think about what places sound good. I think you've heard about two destinations others wish to be. Are they where you want to be? If they aren't an exact match, can you be content and not lament what could have been? It's okay if the answer is "Yes." Honesty with yourself is a treacherous task, confronted as we are by expectations of others and our own ideals and self-impressions.