dbflma
Junior Member
Posts: 35
|
Post by dbflma on Mar 12, 2020 17:27:35 GMT -5
Hello all! I've read so many posts on this site and figured I should put my own story out there to both receive advice and/or to help someone else. I'm a 53-year old male and my 51-year old wife just reached the 25-year anniversary milestone although it wasn't the silver jubilee I would have hoped for. We've been in a sexless marriage for 15+ years now. About 16-months ago I met someone that I fell in love with when I spent time in Florida with one of my daughters while she attended a college program while still in high school. That's a story in itself, but the long and short of it is that I lived there with her while my wife and my other daughter stayed at our other home in MA. Anyways, I met this woman that knows my situation and knows that I've talked about divorce and wanting to get out. She and I have are each others best friend and we share an incredible connection that is both emotionally, spiritually and physically fulfilling. However, despite my sexless marriage I do love my wife and everything that we have built over the years including three children that are all in college now and I'm sure would be devastated if we got divorced. I've been struggling for months about this decision as no matter which way I go there's going to be incredible pain and sadness. The default is to stay in my marriage and try and make things work. My wife says she feels like she's a sexual person and wants to be intimate; however, I think she's saying all of this because she knows that I'm not happy and that I'm close to ending our marriage. In fact, she's given me several opportunities to pull the trigger by saying, maybe we should separate or get a divorce and you can find what you're looking for. I just don't have the heart or the guts I guess to tell her that we should go down the path. Part of the reason I don't is because I question if there's more I should have done and I wonder if I'm just going to regret leaving. On the other hand, my affair partner (ap) is waiting on me to divorce and to pursue a relationship with her. My wife and I never had a strong sexual relationship. In fact, the honeymoon was the last I can remember us having sex that was fulfilling. My wife says she has a low libido and always has. Said she's never had an orgasm, although I understand that's not all that uncommon. She's nearing menopause and that's further dampening her libido. She said in order for her to be sexual she needs to know that I'm "into her" and "into the relationship long term". So, because I've expressed my concerns and have shown signs that I have one foot out the door, she said she doesn't feel like she wants to be sexual with me. So there's the catch-22. I need to be into her and into the relationship in order for her to supposedly feel sexual towards me even though she never really had been sexual throughout our marriage. My ap is very sexual and doesn't require that the stars align in order to want to be intimate with me. I know it's different because we are new to one another, but I can't help feeling that if I let my ap go, I'm missing out on the opportunity to be with someone that meets all my needs and not just most of them.
I know I'm ranting and probably not making all that much sense, but I'm depressed about this situation and not being able to make a decision. It's eventually going to be made for me by my ap leaving as she says her patience is growing thin if I'm not moving forward with my divorce. I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions, especially if you are or have ever been in a similar situation.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Mar 12, 2020 18:19:11 GMT -5
DB , I met someone that I fell in love with when I spent time in Florida while she attended a college program while still in high school. How old is your AP?
I doubt your W will ever come close to the sex you have with your AP even if you were into your W. Past performance is usually what you get in the future.
|
|
dbflma
Junior Member
Posts: 35
|
Post by dbflma on Mar 12, 2020 18:27:43 GMT -5
She is 48, so about 5-years younger.
|
|
dbflma
Junior Member
Posts: 35
|
Post by dbflma on Mar 12, 2020 18:45:44 GMT -5
Interestingly enough, I've been working with a therapist for the past year primarily to help me make a decision. He says what you mention, that the best indication of the future is past performance. So, even though my wife says she wants to work at it, I think it would eventually revert to our how things were historically. I honestly don't think she needs that kind of intimacy to be happy and that she was content with the way things were.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Mar 12, 2020 19:57:36 GMT -5
I believe a play on the stock investment saying is in order here. In your case I think "past performance is a guarantee of future results". You say she has never been very sexual and readily concedes she has a low libido. You are correct in that as she approaches menopause and her hormones fall off she is likely to have even less in the way of libido. Translation, even less interest in intimacy. She says she thinks she is a sexual person but that she has never demonstrated a strong desire for intimacy with you. We have a saying here. Actions speak louder than words. Her actions over the coarse of your marriage say she is highly unlikely to become sexual now. I would say she is just trolling you about needing for you to be "into" her and the relationship in order to feel sexual. Being into her in the early days of the marriage did not result in her being appreciably more open to intimacy, so why would that suddenly come into play now? My advice: Grab your AP and make the best life you can for yourself. Your kids are grown and they will quickly adjust to the divorce. You may not get another chance at happiness.
|
|
|
Post by nyctos on Mar 12, 2020 20:50:08 GMT -5
She is 48, so about 5-years younger. The way you wrote your original post, I think a number of us were thinking she was 18-19.đ
|
|
dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by dd on Mar 12, 2020 22:17:08 GMT -5
I don't think it's going to get better with your wife.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Mar 12, 2020 23:30:32 GMT -5
15 years of sexlessness ? Face reality: you will never have a great sex life with your wife. If sex is important to you (and if youâve tolerated 15 years of sexlessness it probably isnât that important),your wife may be a great friend, coparent or companion but she will never fit your idea of a great wife.
But if you decide to leave, leave because the marriage isnât what you want, not because you think you have a great partner waiting in the wings.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Mar 12, 2020 23:40:26 GMT -5
15 years of sexlessness ? Face reality: you will never have a great sex life with your wife. If sex is important to you (and if youâve tolerated 15 years of sexlessness it probably isnât that important),your wife may be a great friend, coparent or companion but she will never fit your idea of a great wife. But if you decide to leave, leave because the marriage isnât what you want, not because you think you have a great partner waiting in the wings. Second, on that. The decision to leave has to stand on its own. There aren't any take-backs once you get that ball rolling, but, as a general rule, we, the refused, end up happier out than still in.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Mar 13, 2020 1:12:54 GMT -5
dbflma, a lot of the Florida backstory is very confusing, but frankly not relevant to your decision. As others have pointed out, itâs not about âAP or Wifeâ. Leaving needs to stand on its own merit - because you canât stay / itâs irreparable, not because the grass is greener. E.g., few of your friends or family are going to be supportive if you open with âI found somebody better...â Youâve likely heard the phrase âa leopard canât change his spotsâ, and with rare exception the same is true of intimacy on the part of your spouse. Her actions for the past 15 years speak volumes more than her promises of future performance âif you could just pass some new hurdlesâ. One of the warnings here is not to coerce a behavioral change in your spouse by threatening divorce because itâll only trigger âhysterical bondingâ that wonât last. But in your case, your wife realizes divorce is an imminent threat - yet sheâs still not motivated to change, so itâs doubtful she ever will. Your odds with her are incredibly low, because everything hinges on her own self-motivation. Something I donât hear being considered is legal advice. Thatâs unique to your state of residence (and you likely havenât lived in Florida long enough for that to be an option). Itâs also very unique to each of your income levels and duration of marriage.
|
|
dbflma
Junior Member
Posts: 35
|
Post by dbflma on Mar 13, 2020 6:43:59 GMT -5
I appreciate everyone's comments/responses. I probably should have left the affair partner out of it because it's so true that I need to leave my marriage based on a stand-alone basis not because of someone else. I'm fully aware that my ap may not be someone I'm with long-term either. I guess she more or less showed me what true intimacy is supposed to feel like (not just sex), which is what's prompted me to even contemplate divorce; otherwise, I probably wouldn't have thought there could be a better way of living. At the moment I go back-and-forth about the pros and cons of moving towards divorce, a very overwhelming process.
|
|
|
Post by bozodeclowne on Mar 13, 2020 9:10:08 GMT -5
We're similar in age. Hopefully not so alike that you replicated my grand gesture at the 25th anniversary! I bought a $9k ring, the one that she "deserved" but I could not afford when we were young & broke. Those $$$ would have probably been better used on a lawyer and exit plan, but I was still in the "I can turn this around" phase.
One thing you need to consider - your AP may decide to be done AND clue in your wife, leaving you in a substantially worse position, compared to attempting an amicable separation/divorce now. That sort of thing has the potential to be far costlier in terms of money and the possible alienation of your children, etc. Something to keep in mind.
I do have the same sort of analysis paralysis. What if the grass really isn't greener? What if I end up sexless AND alone? You have an advantage here in that you know you can attract and retain a new partner, even as a married man. That is a pretty good indicator that you will be able to find what you are looking for as a single man. Like you, I've compared the words to the actions and we've concluded our spouses are not going to change. The clock is running out for us. Whatever you decide, it must be soon.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Mar 13, 2020 10:09:33 GMT -5
â I do have the same sort of analysis paralysis. What if the grass really isn't greener? What if I end up sexless AND alone?â
All marriages end in death or divorce. Your wife could predecease you. Reason to become happy with your own company and to expand your friends.
|
|
|
Post by alwaysdenied on Mar 13, 2020 14:37:04 GMT -5
Even with a really not great marriage, it's still hard to pull the pin and throw a grenade into it. Those were the best years of your life (prime of your life) and it's hard to acknowledge your failure over it. But I would bet it's easier if you have a piece on the side. I would be cautious about trading one problem for another though. I know when I got married I never suspected how cold my wife would become. Not sure I would know how to choose another one. I have the same thoughts about deciding on divorce myself. It's hard because you've been giving it your all for this whole time and making up for her deficiencies and it's not like it was Hell. At least not most of the time right? However, I'm traditional so to me, if your heart isn't with your wife anymore, then you should be making plans to separate. I would think now that you've had a taste of someone who has interest in you, that it would become Hell to be with your marriage. Hell ain't no place to live when you have a choice. Maybe the next time she brings it up to separate, immediately say ok, I think you're right. And it will set things in motion with her not really realizing what just happened and that it was her idea. Thereby maybe softening her up a bit so she won't go claws out on you for being scorned.
Either way, I'd never speak of this AP again until the ink is very dry. And even then, probably not.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2020 19:24:12 GMT -5
"She said in order for her to be sexual she needs to know that I'm "into her" and "into the relationship long term". So, because I've expressed my concerns and have shown signs that I have one foot out the door, she said she doesn't feel like she wants to be sexual with me. So there's the catch-22. I need to be into her and into the relationship in order for her to supposedly feel sexual towards me even though she never really had been sexual throughout our marriage."
Your W has created something quite normal in a SM. A no-win, catch-22, rock-and-a-hard-place why for you to chase down a rabbit hole. Don't take the bait. I'm 53 and have quite a bit of sympathy for your situation. I chose to stay but I certainly did it eyes wide open that the SM would continue. Also, don't buy the "some people have great sex after menopause" bit. A LL spouse will use that as the final answer to a question you've been asking for a quarter of a century.
|
|