Post by dbflma on Mar 12, 2020 17:27:35 GMT -5
Hello all! I've read so many posts on this site and figured I should put my own story out there to both receive advice and/or to help someone else. I'm a 53-year old male and my 51-year old wife just reached the 25-year anniversary milestone although it wasn't the silver jubilee I would have hoped for. We've been in a sexless marriage for 15+ years now. About 16-months ago I met someone that I fell in love with when I spent time in Florida with one of my daughters while she attended a college program while still in high school. That's a story in itself, but the long and short of it is that I lived there with her while my wife and my other daughter stayed at our other home in MA. Anyways, I met this woman that knows my situation and knows that I've talked about divorce and wanting to get out. She and I have are each others best friend and we share an incredible connection that is both emotionally, spiritually and physically fulfilling. However, despite my sexless marriage I do love my wife and everything that we have built over the years including three children that are all in college now and I'm sure would be devastated if we got divorced. I've been struggling for months about this decision as no matter which way I go there's going to be incredible pain and sadness. The default is to stay in my marriage and try and make things work. My wife says she feels like she's a sexual person and wants to be intimate; however, I think she's saying all of this because she knows that I'm not happy and that I'm close to ending our marriage. In fact, she's given me several opportunities to pull the trigger by saying, maybe we should separate or get a divorce and you can find what you're looking for. I just don't have the heart or the guts I guess to tell her that we should go down the path. Part of the reason I don't is because I question if there's more I should have done and I wonder if I'm just going to regret leaving. On the other hand, my affair partner (ap) is waiting on me to divorce and to pursue a relationship with her. My wife and I never had a strong sexual relationship. In fact, the honeymoon was the last I can remember us having sex that was fulfilling. My wife says she has a low libido and always has. Said she's never had an orgasm, although I understand that's not all that uncommon. She's nearing menopause and that's further dampening her libido. She said in order for her to be sexual she needs to know that I'm "into her" and "into the relationship long term". So, because I've expressed my concerns and have shown signs that I have one foot out the door, she said she doesn't feel like she wants to be sexual with me. So there's the catch-22. I need to be into her and into the relationship in order for her to supposedly feel sexual towards me even though she never really had been sexual throughout our marriage. My ap is very sexual and doesn't require that the stars align in order to want to be intimate with me. I know it's different because we are new to one another, but I can't help feeling that if I let my ap go, I'm missing out on the opportunity to be with someone that meets all my needs and not just most of them.
I know I'm ranting and probably not making all that much sense, but I'm depressed about this situation and not being able to make a decision. It's eventually going to be made for me by my ap leaving as she says her patience is growing thin if I'm not moving forward with my divorce. I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions, especially if you are or have ever been in a similar situation.