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Post by JMX on Mar 10, 2020 23:02:14 GMT -5
The last time we had sex was Christmas Eve. It kind of sucked. Was the first time since June - so, of course. And also, we were trashed and wrapping presents.
He got out of the rest of the wrapping - like 2/3rds. So - good play.
Youngest daughter on way home from Valentine’s Day shopping spree:
Me: why you crying, baby? Her: daddy won’t get you anything and I don’t have enough money to get you anything! Me: no big deal baby - momma knows you love her - every day! Her: okay, momma, it still makes me sad. You and daddy are not a good match.
She’s 11!!
My mom the other day: baby said that she asked her daddy about your birthday, and he laughed. She was very mad about it.
Ouch. That one hurt.
Mom: I think your crap gets better if you drop him. I am FOR marriage, but you have been on this cross forever. It’s not right, JMX.
Just got back from a friends’ weekend: Soulmate friend: listened, helped, offered great advice. Still, the advice was leave. Helping me figure out logistics.
BFF that I fight with all the time: “You won’t change. You never do.” she is reverse psychology-ing me. She was not wrong. I purposely did not want to go there again, but she insisted.
Tonight - little one has middle school orientation. I had such a busy week — constant emails, phone calls and texts that my calendar notification did not come through. Her middle school orientation was tonight. She called and said dad would not take her. I called him. No answer - usual.
Rushed to call oldest. Sold it to her that it would be fun for her to show her sister her old school. And, I would pay her. She did it. And afterwards, was happy to do it.
I had yet another conversation with him about how he is missing the best of this time. I have countless other examples that do include our children.
Yet, he still plays video games every night (3-4 hours) and clocks at least 15 hours on weekends while I work. The youngest is stuck inside. Her spirit is crying for more. It kills me:
Actions speak louder than words.
I know this. Not speaking empty words of what I will do. I know. He’s hurting my babies now. I donMt want them to know this is normal.
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Post by michael on Mar 10, 2020 23:41:56 GMT -5
This is what I worry about the most. Is tthis what my boys will expect form their wives? Is this the way my daughter will be to her husband? The situation for everyone here is sad on so many different levels. My kids will never learn what a normal relationship looks like. For generations things have been ruined now.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Mar 11, 2020 0:28:00 GMT -5
I heard a comedian say one time that he knew that his kids would rebel against him when they got older. So, by having a messed up life, he knew they would rebel and do things the opposite way which would insure they had a good life. lol
We all mess up our kids in some way. So, don't beat yourself up about it. Just do the best you can.
I know I am not showing my kids the best example of a marriage. But, not all marriages are the best, even ones that do have regular sex. They are seeing me do my best with a wife that isn't perfect (and neither am I). I think it is good for kids to see that. They are also seeing my commitment to them to spend my life with them every day while they are children and not just on weekends with shared custody.
My mom had some mild emotional problems. I saw my Dad frustrated at times when she would get upset at the smallest offenses. It showed me that marriage can be hard so you work hard at it. Even when its tough. There are times to leave, I understand that. Especially when the situation is actively harming them, not just when it isn't perfect. IMO
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Post by baza on Mar 11, 2020 5:49:49 GMT -5
Reminds me a lot of Sister workingonit Sister JMX . You are essentially a single parent with all the responibilities of that role (and with an adult child/man as well) without any of the benefits of being single.
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Post by michael on Mar 11, 2020 6:53:36 GMT -5
Reminds me a lot of Sister workingonit Sister JMX . You are essentially a single parent with all the responibilities of that role (and with an adult child/man as well) without any of the benefits of being single. Exactly. I have three kids plus one that is an adult that used to be my wife but is now just a roommate who doesn’t pay her fair share of anything. I’ve got the worst of both worlds; the single world and the married world, with kids. Not that I resent the kids at all.
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grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by grower on Mar 11, 2020 8:32:28 GMT -5
Anyone that prefers playing video games over quality time with their kids is a worthless POS. Not to mention quality time with their spouse. Double POS.
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Mar 11, 2020 9:26:05 GMT -5
I'll never understand the need to play video games as an adult.
I don't get it.
For you, the emotional part of having to break the news of a divorce to your kids is minimal as they'll probably appreciate it. Not to mention how happy they'll be to have another father figure who actually takes an interest in them.
You can't convince your husband to love your kids as much as he should. That's his own issue and you can't try to control that.
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Post by h on Mar 11, 2020 11:54:18 GMT -5
I'll never understand the need to play video games as an adult. I don't get it. For you, the emotional part of having to break the news of a divorce to your kids is minimal as they'll probably appreciate it. Not to mention how happy they'll be to have another father figure who actually takes an interest in them. You can't convince your husband to love your kids as much as he should. That's his own issue and you can't try to control that. I play video games. It's my escape from reality. I don't have any kids to ignore and my W is the reason I need an escape. Since I've accepted the fact that she's not going to change, I find myself playing video games much more often. I used to in college, but I mostly have it up once I got the job/house/marriage. Now, video games are the sole bright spot in my day.
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Post by carl on Mar 11, 2020 12:23:59 GMT -5
I personally have never played any video games as an adult. If somebody plays them as a form of escape then I hope they enjoy themselves. Different situation when somebody puts gaming above and as a preference to a person. I think that divorce is a sad thing but these are the types of circumstances where people have the right not to share their lives with a machine.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 11, 2020 14:09:10 GMT -5
Gaming can be addictive, with all the little dopamine rushes. Hit->reward, hit->reward, over and over.
I can't imagine the suck of living with someone that puts getting to the next level of Grand Theft Auto at a higher level of importance than their partner's next orgasm.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 11, 2020 14:22:08 GMT -5
Gaming can be addictive, with all the little dopamine rushes. Hit->reward, hit->reward, over and over. I can't imagine the suck of living with someone that puts getting to the next level of Grand Theft Auto at a higher level of importance than their partner's next orgasm. Let's not park this on "games". People watch TV as much as they play videogames and nobody claims "addiction". And framing it in terms of misplaced priorities, which merely need to be re-educated - like teaching basic manners - is the most common fallacy on this board. There is no possible way, with marriage and his household on the line - that he's not WELL AWARE of the stakes here. He's not "forgetting" to fuck his wife. This is not indifference. Indifference presents as "why not?". This is active avoidance for whatever his reasons are, and deflection. Whether the games were in the house or not, it still isn't going to happen. This isn't going to happen because it is very important to him for it not to happen. Important enough to stake his marriage on it.
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Post by baza on Mar 11, 2020 21:30:21 GMT -5
Gaming can be addictive, with all the little dopamine rushes. Hit->reward, hit->reward, over and over. I can't imagine the suck of living with someone that puts getting to the next level of Grand Theft Auto at a higher level of importance than their partner's next orgasm. Let's not park this on "games". People watch TV as much as they play videogames and nobody claims "addiction". And framing it in terms of misplaced priorities, which merely need to be re-educated - like teaching basic manners - is the most common fallacy on this board. There is no possible way, with marriage and his household on the line - that he's not WELL AWARE of the stakes here. He's not "forgetting" to fuck his wife. This is not indifference. Indifference presents as "why not?". This is active avoidance for whatever his reasons are, and deflection. Whether the games were in the house or not, it still isn't going to happen. This isn't going to happen because it is very important to him for it not to happen. Important enough to stake his marriage on it. We are not very good - as a group - at staying on topic. Here, the topic swings over from the OP's dysfunctional marriage to "gaming". And you see the same thing happening in assorted threads that abruptly change focus. Even my "moaning" here about threads heading off at tangents is the same thing. Sister JMX 's thread wasn't about "staying on topic" or "gaming". I do wish that we could - as a group - stay on point the the OP's thread. Issues like "gaming" or "staying on topic" are worthwhile subjects, worthy of their own threads.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 11, 2020 21:46:16 GMT -5
We are not very good - as a group - at staying on topic. Here, the topic swings over from the OP's dysfunctional marriage to "gaming". Even my "moaning" here about threads heading off at tangents is the same thing. I do wish that we could - as a group - stay on point the the OP's thread. Let me help.
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Mar 11, 2020 23:14:19 GMT -5
I hope JMX has a sound decision and figures out a good plan to handle her situation.
Sounds like she's going to make a good move for herself and her kids.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 12, 2020 4:38:23 GMT -5
Actions... Time to get a lawyer to see how this all shakes out.
In Illinois, as the primary bread winner, you'd get hosed by the courts. I hope for your and your daughter's sake that you live in a better state. But, you need to know where you stand, between support for an underperforming ex, and who gets custody.
You also need an estimate on what the future holds. In Illinois, the longer you stay the more you pay. What looks expensive today will look like a bargain compared to the cost in a few short years.
There is no easy path forward for your daughter. I doubt she will jump at joy at any of the prospective future arrangements. I think she will understand that leaving is the least bad option, by far.
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