|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 8, 2020 9:53:33 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Mar 8, 2020 15:53:47 GMT -5
The same holds true when negotiating. Say, the terms of a divorce. The person who’s the most emotionally vested in the outcome will get the worst end of the deal.
You’ve got a sentimental attachment to something that you’ve just got to have? Then you’re going to sacrifice more than you should to win that ground. If you’re indifferent, you’ll only accept equitable trades.
But really, in the context of relationships it’s not about who gives-a-damn least. I’d say it’s more about being independently strong. If you can each be a complete person on your own, then you’re together by choice and not because of a dependency. It’s dependency that transfers power to the other person - especially, emotional dependency.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Mar 8, 2020 23:29:32 GMT -5
Liked the article.
As far as "power" in a relationship goes, I think that whichever spouse has their own shit sorted out is in the best position moving forward.
And, in a functional relationship, that can be both spouses.
In this context I don't like the word "power" (or "control")
|
|
|
|
Post by bozodeclowne on Mar 11, 2020 9:59:15 GMT -5
We know that there are individuals who use sex in a transactional way, even within a couple. Most are not as mercenary as the wife who will go on a sex strike specifically to get her husband to agree to that kitchen remodel or new car she's been wanting. I'm not sure most refusers in an SM rise to quite that level, but a relationship imbalance can develop.
In my own situation, I believe that my wife's actions have proven she cares less about our relationship (and by extension me) than I. In the past, I let that imbalance control me. It wasn't really her overtly attempting to exercise power, rather my flailing about trying to "fix" things. That flailing included a lot of caving in situations where I knew I was right, deferring to what she wanted, etc. all the while hoping those actions would improve our relationship.
Now that sex/intimacy is completely off the table, the imbalance is mostly gone. Plans move forward only when we both agree, and I exercise equal veto power if I think the decision or timing isn't right. It is safe to say my wife does not like this change all that much, but she is willing to acknowledge that my view makes sense. It may be that she now sees me as a "refuser" of another sort, but it is really my exercising personal "power/control" that I've had all along, just as we all do. Only took me 50 years to realize I could do that!
|
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Mar 11, 2020 23:51:23 GMT -5
Bozo
Now that sex/intimacy is completely off the table, the imbalance is mostly gone. Plans move forward only when we both agree, and I exercise equal veto power if I think the decision or timing isn't right. It is safe to say my wife does not like this change all that much, but she is willing to acknowledge that my view makes sense. It may be that she now sees me as a "refuser" of another sort, but it is really my exercising personal "power/control" that I've had all along, just as we all do. Only took me 50 years to realize I could do that!
This sounds familiar, especially the "my W doesn't like it" and the "50 year part."
|
|
|
|
Post by notdeadyet on Mar 14, 2020 18:04:27 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by frednsa on Apr 7, 2020 8:04:49 GMT -5
The same holds true when negotiating. Say, the terms of a divorce. The person who’s the most emotionally vested in the outcome will get the worst end of the deal. You’ve got a sentimental attachment to something that you’ve just got to have? Then you’re going to sacrifice more than you should to win that ground. If you’re indifferent, you’ll only accept equitable trades. But really, in the context of relationships it’s not about who gives-a-damn least. I’d say it’s more about being independently strong. If you can each be a complete person on your own, then you’re together by choice and not because of a dependency. It’s dependency that transfers power to the other person - especially, emotional dependency. is sexual need "dependency" ?? don't each of us deserve a partner who can fulfill, at least minimally, that component of a marriage ?? i see dependency another word for mutual support. guessing the denyer to be "in control"....... |
|
