The same holds true when negotiating. Say, the terms of a divorce. The person who’s the most emotionally vested in the outcome will get the worst end of the deal.
You’ve got a sentimental attachment to something that you’ve just got to have? Then you’re going to sacrifice more than you should to win that ground. If you’re indifferent, you’ll only accept equitable trades.
But really, in the context of relationships it’s not about who gives-a-damn least. I’d say it’s more about being independently strong. If you can each be a complete person on your own, then you’re together by choice and not because of a dependency. It’s dependency that transfers power to the other person - especially, emotional dependency.
Last Edit: Mar 8, 2020 16:03:44 GMT -5 by DryCreek
As far as "power" in a relationship goes, I think that whichever spouse has their own shit sorted out is in the best position moving forward. And, in a functional relationship, that can be both spouses.
In this context I don't like the word "power" (or "control")
Post by bozodeclowne on Mar 11, 2020 9:59:15 GMT -5
We know that there are individuals who use sex in a transactional way, even within a couple. Most are not as mercenary as the wife who will go on a sex strike specifically to get her husband to agree to that kitchen remodel or new car she's been wanting. I'm not sure most refusers in an SM rise to quite that level, but a relationship imbalance can develop.
In my own situation, I believe that my wife's actions have proven she cares less about our relationship (and by extension me) than I. In the past, I let that imbalance control me. It wasn't really her overtly attempting to exercise power, rather my flailing about trying to "fix" things. That flailing included a lot of caving in situations where I knew I was right, deferring to what she wanted, etc. all the while hoping those actions would improve our relationship.
Now that sex/intimacy is completely off the table, the imbalance is mostly gone. Plans move forward only when we both agree, and I exercise equal veto power if I think the decision or timing isn't right. It is safe to say my wife does not like this change all that much, but she is willing to acknowledge that my view makes sense. It may be that she now sees me as a "refuser" of another sort, but it is really my exercising personal "power/control" that I've had all along, just as we all do. Only took me 50 years to realize I could do that!
Bozo Now that sex/intimacy is completely off the table, the imbalance is mostly gone. Plans move forward only when we both agree, and I exercise equal veto power if I think the decision or timing isn't right. It is safe to say my wife does not like this change all that much, but she is willing to acknowledge that my view makes sense. It may be that she now sees me as a "refuser" of another sort, but it is really my exercising personal "power/control" that I've had all along, just as we all do. Only took me 50 years to realize I could do that!
This sounds familiar, especially the "my W doesn't like it" and the "50 year part."
petrushka: Thank you! Had a great party with the boardgamers group (and BBQ, cakes and cards!)
Jan 18, 2020 20:14:00 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: You're welcome! Sounds like a wonderful way to celebrate
Jan 18, 2020 22:10:28 GMT -5
frednsa: yaaaaiiiiiieeeeoooooouuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk ! OK, if feel better now.....
Feb 29, 2020 18:14:01 GMT -5
petrushka: Glad you got that off your chest ;-)
Mar 6, 2020 23:35:38 GMT -5
worksforme2: It is a sad day here in my small town, the only cinema has closed...it's probably close to 30 miles to get to one now...
Mar 7, 2020 19:48:28 GMT -5
worksforme2: Since our esteemed governor has declared a state of emergency here in NC (a total of 12 cases so far) the hording of toilet paper has begun. Is diarrhea a part of covid 19? I see Lowes and Home Depot have quick install toilet retro fit bidets.
Mar 13, 2020 10:34:57 GMT -5
petrushka: I've no idea what it is with the toilet paper hoarding. I walked out of a supermarket yesterday and saw a woman with the jumbo sized trolley and some 4x 18 roll packs of toilet paper. Nuts. Completely nuts. Incidentally, a bidet is definitely the way to go
Mar 14, 2020 6:18:43 GMT -5
petrushka: Even her little 5 or 6 year old was questioning her purchase!
Mar 14, 2020 6:25:44 GMT -5
petrushka: One of my favourite quotes for the last 30 years: "don't ever look a sheep in the eyes, the intellectual vacuum may suck your brains out". Well, let's all drink to the sheeple! (besides, alcohol is a good disinfectant).
Mar 14, 2020 6:31:26 GMT -5
frednsa: so...............i'd like to tell her when she "attempts to placate me": have you ever been invited to a party where you knew for certain that you WEREN'T wanted ?
Mar 19, 2020 15:57:05 GMT -5
worksforme2: Former Miss Hawaii tests positive. Being the gallant lad that I am I have offered her the use of my guest bedroom to "shelter in place"..
Mar 23, 2020 20:34:21 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey tamara68, there is a covid19 positive cat in Belgium, watch out for it.
Mar 30, 2020 14:05:56 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme I think I have to be more careful for all infected people. Most likely I already have Covid19
Apr 1, 2020 3:29:42 GMT -5