okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Mar 9, 2020 19:00:08 GMT -5
I didn't understand what it would do to my children. I do now. Please elaborate.....
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Post by ScottDinTN on Mar 9, 2020 22:03:02 GMT -5
Even though it was very hurtful in the way she said it, at least you know clearly now where she stands. The expectations if you choose to move forward are clear. Now you have a choice to make. Will you continue in this relationship knowing how things will be? Or will you make a plan to leave?
My wife would never admit that she didn't like sex. I think that is part of why she never got help. I told her 2.5 years ago that I would never have sex with her again because the false hope and rejection was turning me into a very angry person and I didn't want to be that person. She has never complained once. It proves my point that she doesn't want sex. For me, I chose to stay for now, but not forever. I have been making changes and putting things in place to prepare for the day that I will leave. I won't live in this forever.
Making plans helps. Give it a try.
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Post by h on Mar 10, 2020 8:03:24 GMT -5
Even though it was very hurtful in the way she said it, at least you know clearly now where she stands. The expectations if you choose to move forward are clear. Now you have a choice to make. Will you continue in this relationship knowing how things will be? Or will you make a plan to leave? My wife would never admit that she didn't like sex. I think that is part of why she never got help. I told her 2.5 years ago that I would never have sex with her again because the false hope and rejection was turning me into a very angry person and I didn't want to be that person. She has never complained once. It proves my point that she doesn't want sex. For me, I chose to stay for now, but not forever. I have been making changes and putting things in place to prepare for the day that I will leave. I won't live in this forever. Making plans helps. Give it a try. Yes, making plans does help. Even modest plans give you a goal to work towards.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 10, 2020 8:40:39 GMT -5
My wife would never admit that she didn't like sex. I think that is part of why she never got help. [...] It proves my point that she doesn't want sex. For me, I chose to stay for now, but not forever. Not really. It proves that she likely doesn't want to have sex with you. Which doesn't necessarily arrive at a different place in terms of what you need to do. It might, however, change the way you frame the problem so you don't medicalize it, but instead treat it as a normal aspect of human romantic relations, with clear implications. That can sometimes speed up a person's acceptance.
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Mar 10, 2020 9:29:13 GMT -5
Even though it was very hurtful in the way she said it, at least you know clearly now where she stands. The expectations if you choose to move forward are clear. Now you have a choice to make. Will you continue in this relationship knowing how things will be? Or will you make a plan to leave? My wife would never admit that she didn't like sex. I think that is part of why she never got help. I told her 2.5 years ago that I would never have sex with her again because the false hope and rejection was turning me into a very angry person and I didn't want to be that person. She has never complained once. It proves my point that she doesn't want sex. For me, I chose to stay for now, but not forever. I have been making changes and putting things in place to prepare for the day that I will leave. I won't live in this forever. Making plans helps. Give it a try. Making plans (even as a contingency) can help to provide you the strength you need to move on the plan. Also puts you in a better position to deal with change whether married or not. Helps you create proactive habits leading to that change. Having that in your head helps enable the change whether you stay together or not. In your case, your partner might want sex, just not with you. There is probably a reason why. Finding the reason and solving it is the next step. In my case, my wife doesn't "trust" me although she loves me.
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 10, 2020 10:03:19 GMT -5
Even though it was very hurtful in the way she said it, at least you know clearly now where she stands. The expectations if you choose to move forward are clear. Now you have a choice to make. Will you continue in this relationship knowing how things will be? Or will you make a plan to leave? My wife would never admit that she didn't like sex. I think that is part of why she never got help. I told her 2.5 years ago that I would never have sex with her again because the false hope and rejection was turning me into a very angry person and I didn't want to be that person. She has never complained once. It proves my point that she doesn't want sex. For me, I chose to stay for now, but not forever. I have been making changes and putting things in place to prepare for the day that I will leave. I won't live in this forever. Making plans helps. Give it a try. Making plans (even as a contingency) can help to provide you the strength you need to move on the plan. Also puts you in a better position to deal with change whether married or not. Helps you create proactive habits leading to that change. Having that in your head helps enable the change whether you stay together or not. In your case, your partner might want sex, just not with you. There is probably a reason why. Finding the reason and solving it is the next step. In my case, my wife doesn't "trust" me although she loves me. You were doing well until the part about solving the reason for a spouses dislike or refusal to engage in intimacy. If we have learned anything on this site it is that in most cases there is no solving the reason why and that "why chasing" usually just results in prolonging a hurtful life both parties. For most who find themselves in a SM, the only solution is to get out of the relationship. There is the occasional outlier that results in improvement but I would not put money on it.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 10, 2020 10:08:11 GMT -5
“ In your case, your partner might want sex, just not with you. There is probably a reason why. Finding the reason and solving it is the next step. In my case, my wife doesn't "trust" me although she loves me.”
Sometimes the why refusers give is only a made up excuse not to fuck a person they aren’t sexually attracted to. They give reasons that are impossible to change. They move the goalposts. And the sexlessness continues while the refused keeps jumping through infinite hoops.
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Mar 10, 2020 10:08:52 GMT -5
Making plans (even as a contingency) can help to provide you the strength you need to move on the plan. Also puts you in a better position to deal with change whether married or not. Helps you create proactive habits leading to that change. Having that in your head helps enable the change whether you stay together or not. In your case, your partner might want sex, just not with you. There is probably a reason why. Finding the reason and solving it is the next step. In my case, my wife doesn't "trust" me although she loves me. You were doing well until the part about solving the reason for a spouses dislike or refusal to engage in intimacy. If we have learned anything on this site it is that in most cases there is no solving the reason why and that "why chasing" usually just results in prolonging a hurtful life both parties. For most who find themselves in a SM, the only solution is to get out of the relationship. There is the occasional outlier that results in improvement but I would not put money on it. You are probably right. I guess in my case, it's seeing if an issue can be identified and fixed, if not, the course is set. In the case for people on this forum, I would guess the overwhelming majority is as you said.
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Mar 10, 2020 10:12:20 GMT -5
“ In your case, your partner might want sex, just not with you. There is probably a reason why. Finding the reason and solving it is the next step. In my case, my wife doesn't "trust" me although she loves me.” Sometimes the why refuser’s give is only a made up excuse not to fuck a person they aren’t sexually attracted to. They give reasons that are impossible to change. They move the goalposts. And the sexlessness continues while the refused keeps jumping through infinite hoops. True. For some refusers, that makes their life perfect. The parts of their life that are priorities are well set. We're the ones without control of the situation. I thought initially it was just sex, but she controls many aspects of our life. I would guess that's true for others on here.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 10, 2020 10:57:59 GMT -5
“ In your case, your partner might want sex, just not with you. There is probably a reason why. Finding the reason and solving it is the next step. In my case, my wife doesn't "trust" me although she loves me.” Sometimes the why refuser’s give is only a made up excuse not to fuck a person they aren’t sexually attracted to. They give reasons that are impossible to change. They move the goalposts. And the sexlessness continues while the refused keeps jumping through infinite hoops. True. For some refusers, that makes their life perfect. The parts of their life that are priorities are well set. We're the ones without control of the situation. I thought initially it was just sex, but she controls many aspects of our life. I would guess that's true for others on here. I sincerely doubt their life is perfect. In fact, I'd say the core dilemma could be framed as a mirror image - both facing the same problem. Consider: two people engaged in a sexless marriage. Both of them unwillingly celibate, choosing to "live as married" and survive as long as possible in an invested household, who are prevented by that promise from finding suitable romantic partners. You BOTH understand the consequence that might come from acknowledging the plainly obvious. You both are motivated to thwart each other to keep the household fiction running.
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Post by bozodeclowne on Mar 13, 2020 11:29:02 GMT -5
I didn't understand what it would do to my children. I do now. Please elaborate..... Children learn the lessons we teach them, whether we intend to or not. When our oldest was a toddler we bought him one of those toy workbenches. He immediately picked up the plastic hammer and began tapping it on the workbench while cussing like a sailor. I had thought I was careful with language around him, but didn't realize he had been quietly observing Dad's frustration with various home improvement projects. We still laugh about that, but to the larger point - kids pick up on everything. My wife and I showed them a dysfunctional adult relationship, regardless of how much we tried to hide it. They grew up not knowing what a good, mutually-satisfying relationship looks like. How can they possibly have one of their own? Our eldest actually called me out on my passivity when he was around 20. Those words were not easy to hear, but he was dead on. Unfortunately, in many ways he has since begun following in my footsteps, as far as relationships go. The example my life provided is now a part of him, and far more powerful than any words I can use to explain how I now know better. Brian's children no doubt know that Dad sleeping on the couch is not a normal thing, and likely have picked up the subtle contempt coming from their mother, even if she is an Oscar-worthy actress. That sort of thing gets internalized and passed down through generations.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 4, 2020 5:33:17 GMT -5
Here’s me looking for absurdity in a rational argument: “Sexless marriages are normal.” Something that is statistically way more normal? Divorce. #justsayin Normal doesn’t = a sound business plan Normal doesn’t = an effective marketing strategy Normal doesn’t = the winner of the PGA Normal doesn’t = a good marriage. ? Maybe it’s just me (diagnosed abnormal since 2011 :-) Dr Ruth Westheimer disliked the world "normal". She preferred the term "common". When things are abnormal, it encourages shame and discourages discussion. If something is "uncommon", it strikes me (and perhaps her) as a reason to investigate and an invitation to curiosity. Sexless marriage is poorly understood and researched, and ain't it a shame?
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Post by Apocrypha on May 4, 2020 10:06:21 GMT -5
Making plans (even as a contingency) can help to provide you the strength you need to move on the plan. Also puts you in a better position to deal with change whether married or not. Helps you create proactive habits leading to that change. Having that in your head helps enable the change whether you stay together or not. In your case, your partner might want sex, just not with you. There is probably a reason why. Finding the reason and solving it is the next step. In my case, my wife doesn't "trust" me although she loves me. You were doing well until the part about solving the reason for a spouses dislike or refusal to engage in intimacy. If we have learned anything on this site it is that in most cases there is no solving the reason why and that "why chasing" usually just results in prolonging a hurtful life both parties. For most who find themselves in a SM, the only solution is to get out of the relationship. There is the occasional outlier that results in improvement but I would not put money on it. Is there an outlier over the longer term? I struggle to think of examples - and if there are - they are rare diamonds. Agreed though, on chasing "Why" beyond raising the question. My thinking on this has evolved over time to fix not so much on the futility of wanting or finding a reason, but rather to prioritize which of the two partners is treating the problem most seriously and actually attempting a remedy. Most of the time, it's the abandoned spouse who is arranging doctor's appointments, initiating conversations about preferences and kinks, finding fitness, doing more work around the house, arranging date night, planning recreation, buying marital help books, arranging couples' counselling and leading those conversations. At the same time, the averse spouse might begrudgingly show up at the doctor but not take the pills. Or, pose conversations about sex as perversion and sexual obsession. Or spoil date night or special dinners with complaints. Or not read the stack of relationship help books, and remain passive or unhelpful in therapy. So, if there is a "why" - the averse spouse is the one who might have it, but they are disinclined or incapable of sharing it. As I found with constantly moving goalposts, chasing "why" relentlessly with a spouse who doesn't see you as a sexual partner, results in a moving spotlight of criticism of whatever happens to be at the top of their shitlist that day about you. Too fat? Got fit? Good for you! But now the number two criticism has moved top the top of the deck and the first criticism has been shuffled back in. If nobody is perfect - then that deck will be endlessly high. If we think about early relationships when the intention is to lean in, rather than what's presently happening - leaning out - all those same criticisms are generally there. They are just tolerated as "worth it". Sometimes when you get to know someone, or someone does something or something fundamentally shifts, an entirely new vision of who a person is or is perceived to be emerges. It's no longer about a behavior that can be accommodated or changed; instead it becomes about who you ARE as a person. If I could have a do-over of my process in working through my marital issues, the number one thing, dealbreaking thing - in or out - would have been to ensure the two of us had roughly equal attention and effort in the same direction. That was manifestly NOT the case when I was in it.
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Post by frednsa on May 5, 2020 6:37:04 GMT -5
Hi all, I was debating posting this because I don’t want to come off complaining, but on Valentine’s Day my wife, sent me a video on Facebook that hurt me to the core and has been nagging me since. She sent me a video that explains that sex is pretty much pointless and just a means for a mans pleasure and that she never (when we do it gets much pleasure if any) and then she had to further elaborate that any sex is not pleasurable to her. But the way she went about it hurt me so bad. We’ve been married almost 14 years and it’s been sexless for most of it except for the purpose of having children, and not to mention I’ve been kicked to the couch since 2010. But I think she’s getting her wish to make me hate sex and anything intimate just as much as she does. You deserve so much better than this brianbk I hope hope you find more validation from the words of the women here, and from this old standby video, which probably had more thought invested into it than whatever she sent you: amandapalmer.net/videos/the-bed-song/
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Post by frednsa on May 5, 2020 6:46:25 GMT -5
Hi all, I was debating posting this because I don’t want to come off complaining, but on Valentine’s Day my wife, sent me a video on Facebook that hurt me to the core and has been nagging me since. She sent me a video that explains that sex is pretty much pointless and just a means for a mans pleasure and that she never (when we do it gets much pleasure if any) and then she had to further elaborate that any sex is not pleasurable to her. But the way she went about it hurt me so bad. We’ve been married almost 14 years and it’s been sexless for most of it except for the purpose of having children, and not to mention I’ve been kicked to the couch since 2010. But I think she’s getting her wish to make me hate sex and anything intimate just as much as she does. Very sorry for your hurt. I DO feel your pain, just to stubborn to be kicked to the couch. I get "pity sex" (my hand only) and even then begrudging, with an accompanying attitude of expectation for my heartfelt gratitude. HOLY S&%T ! W is otherwise lovely and accommodating but more so to anyone else but me. Her near-desperate fear of offending anyone (again outside of me) compels her to be totally charming............WTF. W became pregnant immediately after our first intercourse (wedding night). Her promises of total pleasure for us both after marriage proved completely untrue but I don't believer she lied; she just believed her own BS. In truth, i can't blame her for being delusional - just is, still is. If it weren't for that pregnancy and more, later, I believe I would have split. NOW, it's been a half-century and I'm still here. What does that make me ? PLEASE don't answer. POINT - get out ! At your age a couple years of diminishing pain will pass and you will be SO MUCH MORE CAREFUL and WISE in picking another mate (if you do). "Plenty of Fish". Good Luck from the bottom of my battered and bruised heart !
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