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Post by brianbk on Mar 7, 2020 9:59:15 GMT -5
Hi all, I was debating posting this because I don’t want to come off complaining, but on Valentine’s Day my wife, sent me a video on Facebook that hurt me to the core and has been nagging me since. She sent me a video that explains that sex is pretty much pointless and just a means for a mans pleasure and that she never (when we do it gets much pleasure if any) and then she had to further elaborate that any sex is not pleasurable to her. But the way she went about it hurt me so bad. We’ve been married almost 14 years and it’s been sexless for most of it except for the purpose of having children, and not to mention I’ve been kicked to the couch since 2010. But I think she’s getting her wish to make me hate sex and anything intimate just as much as she does.
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Post by nyctos on Mar 7, 2020 10:42:37 GMT -5
I take it her video wasn't meant as an apology -- I'm sorry, she's a vicious person.
Some people will doubtless say she's expressing her feelings, which is true but not the full story -- she's expressing her feelings in such a way calculated to demean you, to make you feel like you're at fault, and to hurt you.
If I had to take a guess as to why she does so, it could be as a defense because she knows on some level that people *do* enjoy sex and she's trying to normalize herself.
I can offer little in the way of real advice, given that I'm not really in a good state myself. I've never had quite your experience, though my wife had claimed that sexless marriages are normal (not in quite the same cruel way yours had, though).
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Post by shamwow on Mar 7, 2020 14:52:22 GMT -5
Hi all, I was debating posting this because I don’t want to come off complaining, but on Valentine’s Day my wife, sent me a video on Facebook that hurt me to the core and has been nagging me since. She sent me a video that explains that sex is pretty much pointless and just a means for a mans pleasure and that she never (when we do it gets much pleasure if any) and then she had to further elaborate that any sex is not pleasurable to her. But the way she went about it hurt me so bad. We’ve been married almost 14 years and it’s been sexless for most of it except for the purpose of having children, and not to mention I’ve been kicked to the couch since 2010. But I think she’s getting her wish to make me hate sex and anything intimate just as much as she does. She has no power to make you hate sex in general. She does seem to be succeeding in her goal of making you hate sex with her. Mine did the same and was completely caught off guard when I informed her I would no longer be having sex with her. Oh yeah, I also would no longer be married to her. The look of "oh shit I really fucked this up" on her face is one I will always remember.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2020 17:07:49 GMT -5
She's telling you exactly how she feels about it in simple terms. The ball is in your court. Stay and live with it, turn arounds are unicorns. Leave. I'm a stayer so i'm not saying it's an easy decision but I would have preferred some blunt, "I just don't want to have sex with you" many years ago to the decades-long slow bed death with occasional bouts of hope only to be dashed on the rocks.
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Post by baza on Mar 7, 2020 17:50:05 GMT -5
Like Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 says, your missus has quite clearly communicated her view to you. Which bit don't you understand Brother brianbk ? Just about all your posts thus far show your missus' view being communicated to you quite clearly and consistently.
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Post by csl on Mar 7, 2020 18:12:13 GMT -5
Like Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 says, your missus has quite clearly communicated her view to you. Which bit don't you understand Brother brianbk ? Just about all your posts thus far show your missus' view being communicated to you quite clearly and consistently. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
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Post by Handy on Mar 7, 2020 19:24:27 GMT -5
I get it that your W doesn't like sex and that is the reason she thinks it is unnecessary. That is her position and opinion. I don't see you changing her opinion regarding sex. I don't like raw oysters and that is OK. I am not going to go looking for someone that likes raw oysters to help me overcome my dislike for raw or cooked oysters. Your W is not likely going to look for reasons to improve her liking sex. That is how people act. I don't think it would help but your W not liking sex had some base reasons. She could discover those reasons and work on them but again, that is her responsibility.
Because the music over powered the lyrics, here is a link to the bed song. Amanda Palmer & The Grand Theft Orchestra - The Bed Song (Lyric Video) on youtube.
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Post by lessingham on Mar 8, 2020 4:12:48 GMT -5
You could riposte with a Facebook of Bruce Springsteen singing I'm on Fire, the greatest hymn to sexual frustration ever. Or you could talk to her, saying that this may be her view and opinion but it is not yours.
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 8, 2020 7:43:32 GMT -5
Hi all, I was debating posting this because I don’t want to come off complaining, but on Valentine’s Day my wife, sent me a video on Facebook that hurt me to the core and has been nagging me since. She sent me a video that explains that sex is pretty much pointless and just a means for a mans pleasure and that she never (when we do it gets much pleasure if any) and then she had to further elaborate that any sex is not pleasurable to her. But the way she went about it hurt me so bad. We’ve been married almost 14 years and it’s been sexless for most of it except for the purpose of having children, and not to mention I’ve been kicked to the couch since 2010. But I think she’s getting her wish to make me hate sex and anything intimate just as much as she does. I do not do "Facebook" so I am unsure in asking this. I assume you both have friends on Facebook. Can a friend read what is posted to your page there? If so she was especially cruel to post something like this. It's hard for me to understand why spouses do things like this. If she is so turned off at the prospect of sex she should have simply voiced it to you face to face and then perhaps the 2 of you could have worked toward some sort of accommodation toward each others preference. You could agree not to bother her anymore about giving up some p*ssy for the team, and she could have considered accepting that you will satiate your lusts with another woman. Giving her the benefit of the doubt perhaps she thought it was the least painful way to get her message across. Have you responded to her about how this made you feel? I know it's difficult but do not allow her to change who you are as a person. I don't think sex is really the issue. It's really compatibility. With someone else sex and intimacy could be a great thing.
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Post by h on Mar 8, 2020 11:39:50 GMT -5
I wish my wife would be so brutally honest and direct. You should be thankful for that. She has clearly communicated her views on sex in such an unambiguous way that you can finally accept it. You know where she stands and you can make a fully informed decision about the future. It's never going to get any better and now you know that for certain.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Mar 8, 2020 16:05:59 GMT -5
Like Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 says, your missus has quite clearly communicated her view to you. Which bit don't you understand Brother brianbk ? Just about all your posts thus far show your missus' view being communicated to you quite clearly and consistently. When people tell you who they are, believe them. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the truth and accept it. Sometimes it takes time to accept a truth and figure out how to proceed.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 9, 2020 0:20:11 GMT -5
At least you know where she stands. My wife never explained her reason. She claimed excuses. I was manipulated by her.
I know this sucks. Stop trying to make her into something she isn't and accept that she is what she is, and you will be one more step down the road to happiness.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 9, 2020 9:27:56 GMT -5
On the literal couch for a literal decade.
Here's a though experiment.
Suppose your present circumstances changed drastically and suddenly, and you found that you had to stay at someone else's home on their couch for a while until you got back on your feet, establishing a new household (however modest) on your own. Perhaps a friend, or a parent.
How long would you stay in someone else's home under that circumstance? Ten years? Likely not, I'd guess. You'd likely mobilize every effort to change your circumstance and establish yourself and your own household.
Even if you were a roommate, long term, you'd have your own room, and likely an agreement on how the household is run. If you didn't have a plan, you'd make one.
Take a look around at the last decade in your present living situation, with you living on someone's couch. What's your situation - as is, as has been for ten years? What's your plan?
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Post by bozodeclowne on Mar 9, 2020 11:30:47 GMT -5
I'm so sorry, Brian. That was a pretty crappy thing to do, even if her intent wasn't to twist the knife.
I've got 15yrs on you, and we once had a thriving sex life, so I've always had that hope that the carefree girl I fell in love with would return. Logically, I know that will never happen, as I know you understand your wife will not morph into a woman that desires a physical relationship. At your age, I was just starting to hear whisperings of "maybe we can be done with sex" after a decade of SM. Always quiet enough to leave a glimmer of hope.
I get it. At 38, if someone had slapped me and told me to run, that i was young enough to start over, I would have balked. No way I'm leaving my children, no way I'm breaking my vows, etc. I now know that attitude comes with a tremendous cost, one I foolishly chose to pay. The thing is, I didn't understand that I wasn't the only one that would bear that cost. I didn't understand what it would do to my children. I do now.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Mar 9, 2020 18:59:00 GMT -5
On the literal couch for a literal decade. Here's a though experiment. Suppose your present circumstances changed drastically and suddenly, and you found that you had to stay at someone else's home on their couch for a while until you got back on your feet, establishing a new household (however modest) on your own. Perhaps a friend, or a parent. How long would you stay in someone else's home under that circumstance? Ten years? Likely not, I'd guess. You'd likely mobilize every effort to change your circumstance and establish yourself and your own household. Even if you were a roommate, long term, you'd have your own room, and likely an agreement on how the household is run. If you didn't have a plan, you'd make one. Take a look around at the last decade in your present living situation, with you living on someone's couch. What's your situation - as is, as has been for ten years? What's your plan? I love this analogy.... this is really the right way to look at it... friends couch...
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