gezza
New Member
Posts: 6
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Post by gezza on Mar 6, 2020 0:08:43 GMT -5
My question is this - my wife wife is quite obliging with hand relief but that’s about all. It’s quite clinical and quick and to be fair she doesn’t refuse when I approach her or beg for some relief. Is it right to want more.
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Post by baza on Mar 6, 2020 0:50:14 GMT -5
Is it "right" to want more ? For that matter - and from your missus' point of view - is it "wrong" to want less ?
I reckon that the sooner you can get away from the judgement calls of "right" and "wrong" the better off you'll be.
Your sexual drive toward her is what it is. Your missus' sexual drive toward you is what it is.
There's no "right" or "wrong" to be had in these situations.
You can be as right as right can be and it won't make a blind bit of difference.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 6, 2020 0:54:54 GMT -5
My question is this - my wife wife is quite obliging with hand relief but that’s about all. It’s quite clinical and quick and to be fair she doesn’t refuse when I approach her or beg for some relief. Is it right to want more. There is nothing wrong with wanting more than that. It's a pretty sucky level of intimacy to be stuck at. Can you imagine spending your life never getting more than a clinical quick hand job?
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Post by lessingham on Mar 6, 2020 4:17:24 GMT -5
Never had a hand job from my wife. She regards it as a job indeed.
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Post by michael on Mar 6, 2020 7:17:45 GMT -5
Never had a hand job from my wife. She regards it as a job indeed. My wife says I take too long, because she has too much to do. Things like playing or texting on her phone. Or going out with her friends; whoever they are. I’ve never actually met them. I’m sure there is a reason for that. Anything accept anything to do with me, unless I’m buying something for her then she doesn’t mind spending time. Just no touching. i think this site makes me wish terrible things.
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Post by lessingham on Mar 6, 2020 7:46:17 GMT -5
Waste of time, Michael, wish wonderful things instead.
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Post by h on Mar 6, 2020 8:11:43 GMT -5
Hand jobs are too much effort for my W. She tried once or twice but couldn't make me finish. She says I take too long but the reality is she's not good at it, she gets offended if I try to give her even the slightest helpful direction, and her sighs of boredom kill the mood so I can't focus my mind on the pleasurable feelings. It requires much less effort for her to lay flat on her back, close her eyes, cover her face, and wait for it to be over.
The only hand getting me off is my own.
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grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by grower on Mar 6, 2020 8:18:17 GMT -5
About as exciting as a flesh light
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Post by h on Mar 6, 2020 8:23:26 GMT -5
About as exciting as a flesh light Not even that good. One position and I need to finish before she gets sick of it so I'm under pressure to beat the clock. At least with a Fleshlight, I could use different positions and go slow enough to enjoy it. I could use it lying on my back. I could use it standing up. I could use it in the shower. I could lay on my side and lazily go at it for an hour. Options!
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Post by baza on Mar 6, 2020 18:32:19 GMT -5
I think another thing to keep in mind is this - Any relationship involves the assorted traits and attitudes both persons bring to the table. And that mix of the two person has the potential to produce "X" amount of sex. A couple of examples at the extremes for you - #1 - shamwow and ballofconfusion . That relationship has the potential to generate quite a bit of sex. #2 - Brother h and Mrs h . That relationship doesn't appear have much potential to generate much in the way of sex at all, but it does produce 'some'. In both examples the relationships produces as much sex as it is capable of producing. I know that in my deal back in the day, I thought my relationship had the potential to produce good ongoing levels of sex. The facts proved otherwise. I grossly over estimated what the combination of baza and Mrs baza was capable of producing. The relationship produced what it was capable of. No more (or less) than that. Fast forward a few years to the Ms enna/baza dynamic and that relationship also produces exactly what it is capable of too. Very satisfactory indeed. I think one has to be realistic about ones' relationships potential. There's not a lot of point in expecting it to produce more than it is capable of delivering.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 6, 2020 21:05:56 GMT -5
I think another thing to keep in mind is this - Any relationship involves the assorted traits and attitudes both persons bring to the table. And that mix of the two person has the potential to produce "X" amount of sex. A couple of examples at the extremes for you - #1 - shamwow and ballofconfusion . That relationship has the potential to generate quite a bit of sex. #2 - Brother h and Mrs h . That relationship doesn't appear have much potential to generate much in the way of sex at all, but it does produce 'some'. In both examples the relationships produces as much sex as it is capable of producing. I know that in my deal back in the day, I thought my relationship had the potential to produce good ongoing levels of sex. The facts proved otherwise. I grossly over estimated what the combination of baza and Mrs baza was capable of producing. The relationship produced what it was capable of. No more (or less) than that. Fast forward a few years to the Ms enna/baza dynamic and that relationship also produces exactly what it is capable of too. Very satisfactory indeed. I think one has to be realistic about ones' relationships potential. There's not a lot of point in expecting it to produce more than it is capable of delivering. In the case of ballofconfusion her ex has since come of the closet and now lives openly as a gay man. Needless to say, what he was capable of was quite low. My situation didn't have the same obvious cause, but really that doesn't matter. The results are the same. As in the case of Ms enna and Baza, the dynamic between BOC and I is quite satisfactory indeed!
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Post by Handy on Mar 7, 2020 1:55:28 GMT -5
Hand jobs by the W instead of PIV sex sounds like someone is still back in their early teen age years. To me it is entry level sexuality, not mature sexuality.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 9, 2020 10:42:15 GMT -5
Let's step back a bit and look at the frame of why we have sex with a person, instead of with ourselves. This is a question that married people and single people can both answer from largely a common framework.
In the singles world (mostly men), and in gay cruising culture, a lot of people want efficient fast, casual sex, without a lot or even any emotional investment. Some people desire it, but many prefer to get to know someone, so that the sexual behavior exists within a wider context of some kind of personal relevance or meaning between the individuals.
Back in my "open relationship" years, I spoke with a friend who was also new to "ethical non-monogamy", who'd been looking for years for her ideal first partner. She wanted her first experience to be a positive one and for her, that meant having the right amount of personal investment with what she termed "a quality person." In other words, the sex that she wanted to have - even casual, extra marital sex - needed to mean something to her. Her pleasure, my pleasure - needed to be relevant to each other.
In her words, "If it's just a matter of relief, I can just do that myself."
It made me rethink what was happening in my own marriage at the time and what I'm seeing and encountering as a single man. See if it is relevant to you:
Your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, but you are asking a question about what's the right amount of sex is to want. It's right to want as much sex as you want with generally whomever you want it with. That doesn't change whether you are married or single. Wanting is wanting.
I think your real question is about entitlement - and that's a sticky wicket, because that's about feeling entitled to sex with someone who doesn't want it with you. My question to you is the same question that finally brought me to accepting the truth of my own situation: "Why would I want sex with a person who doesn't want it with me?"
"Hand relief" in your description is - best case - akin to having your wife attend to a bodily function. If she loves you - like changing a diaper. No parent loves changing diapers - it's gross, we'd rather not, but we understand that changing diapers is a distasteful responsibility to be carried out as lovingly as possible, to avoid worse consequences. But there's little joy in it, except for caring for someone who cannot care for themselves yet.
Bargaining and negotiating or begging for "hand relief" is emasculating and will result in you eventually reading and internalizing your wife's own distaste for you sexually, and both of you despising each other for your roles in requiring unwanted sex to avoid divorce and consequences of that.
You don't want hand relief. You can do that yourself. You want her to want to want you, with sexual behavior being an expression of that desire.
Making her enact this performance of wanting you is going to make you disgusted in yourself, and her resentful of you. She's going to use it as a way to express her displeasure with you or her clinical indifference - as if she's milking a cow. Across time, this gets to be damaging to both of you in different ways.
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Post by rdp62 on Mar 9, 2020 12:37:48 GMT -5
Yes this
Across time, this gets to be damaging to both of you in different ways.
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Post by bozodeclowne on Mar 9, 2020 15:14:59 GMT -5
You want her to want to want you. Bingo. I believe this is at the core of every sexless relationship that goes beyond a simple "desired frequency" mismatch. Duty sex of any description, perfunctory handjobs included, conveys exactly the opposite sentiment. As we neared the end of our sexual relationship, my wife would use a death-grip technique that felt like she was trying to rip a tree root out of the ground. That was a stark contrast to the early years.
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