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Post by notdeadyet on Feb 25, 2020 17:18:49 GMT -5
Read this on another blog I enjoy this morning: The perfect marital Catch-22: I am unwilling to have sex with you, but I still expect you to be monogamous in our marriage. Additionally, although I am not willing to talk about it, you don’t have the right to be upset with me. This is the way it is in way too many marriages. If it sounds like yours, I am truly sorry.
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Post by Handy on Feb 25, 2020 18:16:11 GMT -5
Bfar, what you posted is so familiar.
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Post by baza on Feb 25, 2020 20:59:21 GMT -5
The choice is yours as to whether you want to continue in a situation where your spouse is - "unwilling to have sex with you, but still expects you to be monogamous in the marriage. Additionally, not willing to talk about it, and no right to be upset with me".
Your spouse might reasonably think that as you've remained in the situation, that you are OK with it.
Or, your spouse might take the view that whereas you are pissed about the situation, you aren't pissed enough to take any action, nor do you have any alternate plan. So your spouse would regard the risk of you upsetting the applecart as being minimal. There's not a lot of motivation there for her to make any radical changes to her position.
Now, IF you had an alternative plan in do-able status, the scenario changes. In that scenario you have leverage. And, a viable alternative should the leverage fail.
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Post by h on Feb 26, 2020 8:25:45 GMT -5
This is basically a perfectly concise summary of most situations here. Excellent wording. Is there a link to the other site where this came from?
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Post by notdeadyet on Feb 26, 2020 13:31:22 GMT -5
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Post by brianbk on Feb 27, 2020 5:27:27 GMT -5
Exactly how my marriage is! Don’t even bring it up that’s the message that my wife conveys to me.
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Post by h on Feb 27, 2020 5:41:34 GMT -5
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 28, 2020 16:17:02 GMT -5
Per the goodmenproject article, identify your options if nothing changes. Aka, "the talk."
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fish
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by fish on Feb 28, 2020 17:10:41 GMT -5
Mine forgets about sex, mad when I try, so me being a red blooded horny mail, I asked her I’d she would get mad if I loaned out our bicycle she never uses to the neighbor, she said no go ahead, ok then don’t get mad when the neighbor rides my —— you don’t ever use that either, well now I am really in the dog house!
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Post by bozodeclowne on Feb 28, 2020 17:19:40 GMT -5
When I would periodically start "The Talk", my wife would always counter with an exasperated "It's all about the sex to you". Took a decade or so before I figured out that the logical response to that was along the lines of "We aren't having sex, and I'm still here". No matter, she just changed the wording to "..all about the physical...".
Now that we're into year 2 of her showing zero affection at all, I'm no longer even interested in having the discussion. We agree there is a problem, and then go back to status quo until I raise the subject again.
Funny thing about a hall pass - and there is no way my wife would agree with that option - but I'm not sure I'd even be interested. If I can't stoke the desire in the woman closest to me, what are my odds of success with someone else? Logically, I know that's the wrong way to look at it, but I guess that is one of the "gifts" of the SM.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 28, 2020 20:22:05 GMT -5
Keep your radar up, bozodeclowne. You never know. My last year, I got into great shape. I met a bunch of women online, and learned something about myself in the process. I was desireable. My wife wasn't the only game in town, and she could never cut me off again if she didn't know where I was getting it from.
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Post by bozodeclowne on Mar 2, 2020 12:27:49 GMT -5
The only status quo that should be allowed to settle down and get comfortable is the one you both agree on. What benefit is it to let her keep the “its all about the celibacy to me” status quo that is tilted in her favor? I absolutely agree, in principle. The reality is that I should have take action many years ago, when this started to become an issue. I did not, and that passivity has negatively affected other areas of my life as well. Much of that I can work to reverse, but the SM takes two and a refuser has to want things to change. For whatever reason, I don't think many do, or perhaps are not honest enough with themselves to admit the change that they really want is a change in partners.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 3, 2020 13:32:09 GMT -5
The only status quo that should be allowed to settle down and get comfortable is the one you both agree on. What benefit is it to let her keep the “its all about the celibacy to me” status quo that is tilted in her favor? I absolutely agree, in principle. The reality is that I should have take action many years ago, when this started to become an issue. I did not, and that passivity has negatively affected other areas of my life as well. Much of that I can work to reverse, but the SM takes two and a refuser has to want things to change. For whatever reason, I don't think many do, or perhaps are not honest enough with themselves to admit the change that they really want is a change in partners. There's a lot of truth in this.
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