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Post by richards on Jan 26, 2020 19:13:02 GMT -5
Curious whether anyone else has observed a correlation between a sexless (low libido) spouse and that spouse’s brothers and sisters?
In my case, my wife has two sisters, neither of whom (to my knowledge over more than 30 years) has ever been married or ever had more than one or two short-term relationships with anyone, male or female. Both women are functionally celibate, which leads me to wonder if this is an heredity (“genetic”) issue, a psychological/child-rearing issue, or a mere coincidence.
I am not looking to blame anyone or to downplay the very real emotional and inter-personal problems that arise in a SM and I realize that any comments here can only be anecdotal, but I am also a bit tired of blaming myself (and her) for what may, in the end, simply be a hard-wired physical problem.
It is like being married to someone who is color-blind. You can’t (and will never) teach them to see in color.
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Post by baza on Jan 26, 2020 19:57:11 GMT -5
Yep. It is not a crime to choose a celibate life generally. Nor is it a crime to be unattracted to one person specifically (ie - your spouse)
It is just a matter of "who they are" in your particular dynamic.
They might be sexually averse generally, they might be sexually averse to most people, or a few people, and, they may be sexually averse to you.
The important one is that they are sexually averse to you. What they might be like with someone else ain't particularly relevant. You don't own their behaviour of being generally and/or specifically sexually averse toward you.
They own that.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 27, 2020 1:44:47 GMT -5
My ex was an only child, but her mother was a refuser. Nature or nurture? That is anybody's guess.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 27, 2020 4:40:22 GMT -5
My wife told me that as a little girl her mother would place her in the marriage bed so her dad could not sleep there. She hated hearing her dad shouting at the bedroom door as she was used as a shield. Her mother was a fucked up bitch.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Jan 27, 2020 6:04:50 GMT -5
My sister in law had a messy divorce some years ago. Her first husband left a mean note behind. In it he made a derogatory statement about never getting sex. I don't agree with what he did with his anger but it was clear the thoughts about sex had been taught to both girls growing up. I also think both sisters were abused by the same family member. Double whammy.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 27, 2020 11:23:06 GMT -5
Curious whether anyone else has observed a correlation between a sexless (low libido) spouse and that spouse’s brothers and sisters? Interesting. My ex came from a severely dysfunctional family, with chronic depression among most members, two siblings with failed marriages and one workable common law that didn't quite marry. The parents had what I called a failed divorce - they never completely split. The dad was a tyrant, OCD, brilliant, and also obviously on the autism spectrum. The family had very poor communication and assertiveness skills, and as a group, seemed to use passive-aggression in lieu of verbal negotiation to deal with needs and conflicts. I imagine that growing up in that household, it was too costly or futile to assert needs and manage conflict directly, so this maladaptive habit arose instead, and it's really toxic in a marriage. I don't usually subscribe to a "low libido" theory, based on what I've seen, but I can't imagine any of that group is lighting the bedroom on fire because they seemed so deeply and unproductively unhappy with each other. So, this isn't necessarily a genetic disposition, but could easily be the result of learned dysfunctional family and communication dynamics.
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Post by carl on Jan 28, 2020 10:34:18 GMT -5
My opinion is that it is most likely a hard wired physical problem. I believe that a lot of refusing spouses are destined or have always been at high risk of becoming a refuser due to as you put it, a hard wired physical problem. I don’t believe that refusers could often find that they were capable of fulfilling somebody else. I think that siblings are in danger of following suit with their lack of desire. Just my opinion.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 29, 2020 5:34:23 GMT -5
Flip it.
We have some ladies online here. If I might ask, since you are the high libido partner, do you get the impression your sisters are similarly erotic? (and perhaps frustrated?)
FWIW, my sister had a few very short term relationships. I can't recall one during college or after. I'm on this forum so that tells you that aversion to sex is (unfortunately?) not an issue for me. So if it's genetic, testosterone seems to override it.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 29, 2020 9:25:43 GMT -5
What is the old saying, karma deals you the cards, life is how you play them. You may have a genetic predisposition to a behaviour, but it doesn't mean you have to act that way. One can unlearn, one can ignore and one can be more than the sum of your genes. A crude analogy is disability. I was heavily involved with adapting houses for people with disabilities. Some "became the chair" others defied their conditions. Their life view confirmed or denied their genetic inheritance. My cousin was a member of the "21 fuck you club." the local hospital casually told the kids that they would all probably die in their teens due to their deformities. My cousin was a gambler and a pary animal to his 40s.
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Post by isthisit on Jan 29, 2020 17:31:15 GMT -5
Flip it. We have some ladies online here. If I might ask, since you are the high libido partner, do you get the impression your sisters are similarly erotic? (and perhaps frustrated?) FWIW, my sister had a few very short term relationships. I can't recall one during college or after. I'm on this forum so that tells you that aversion to sex is (unfortunately?) not an issue for me. So if it's genetic, testosterone seems to override it. I do not have a sister, sorry can’t help there.
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Post by sadkat on Jan 29, 2020 18:24:44 GMT -5
I do have a sister. She is highly sexual, as was my mom.
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Post by workingonit on Jan 30, 2020 10:29:29 GMT -5
My sister has some really awful relationship issues but sex is not one of them. She loves sex and is often the initiator. She is also very affectionate, like me, and feels deprived in her marriage on that front, like me.
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Post by workingonit on Jan 30, 2020 10:34:10 GMT -5
I will say my h is a child of an alcoholic father and nasty divorce with infidelity. He has step siblings that he never lived with who are all f-ed up in various ways. I don't think there is asexuality but some sex addiction type behavior and drug addiction, eating disorders, mental health issues, etc. Their father really was a piece of crap who messed up all the women and children in his life. I see my h's sexual anorexia as a direct result, as does he and our therapist.
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Post by flounder on Jan 31, 2020 20:43:37 GMT -5
My brother in law has told me that he often heard his parents on many occasions as his bedroom was above theirs as he was growing up. He has had his fair share of exploits as long as I’ve known him. I think his sister’s lack of interest is an anomaly in that family.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 3, 2020 10:28:45 GMT -5
I will say my h is a child of an alcoholic father and nasty divorce with infidelity. He has step siblings that he never lived with who are all f-ed up in various ways. I don't think there is asexuality but some sex addiction type behavior and drug addiction, eating disorders, mental health issues, etc. Their father really was a piece of crap who messed up all the women and children in his life. I see my h's sexual anorexia as a direct result, as does he and our therapist. I used to hold to the "sexual anorexia" theory with my ex-wife as well. She also had addiction problems and an eating disorder, and I came to read her method of problem solving as being passive-aggressive, rather than through productive direct conflict. Because I felt "controlled" by her behavior, I ascribed this motivation to being about her control of me. My post-marriage understanding presents a simpler solution that still encompasses the same elements, but that also accounts for what seems to be a normal sex life with others, apart from her marriage to me.I can see that her similar family life gave her maladaptive habits for pursuing a suitable partner and for existing in a long term relationship. Her method of assertion was unproductive, causing her to alternately give up her own preferences and then to blame her dissatisfaction on her partner and sabotage the relationship. The celibacy wasn't to control me - it was the result of her simply not seeing me as a suitable sexual partner. She'd be having sex with someone she didn't want to - in that case. It was important to her NOT to have sex with someone she doesn't see that way. Once I accepted this extremely harsh truth, I was able to let go and move forward.
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