...made efforts not to to "dote" or trod on what we agreed felt like husband territory.
For example, I had an unspoken rule that I would not send or give flowers, or otherwise offer a token in her household that would make my presence linger past my walking out the threshold. I was careful in the restaurants I chose, so I did not make her husband feel financially eclipsed by my comparative wealth. At Christmas and special days - small things like chocolates or wine, or fudge.
... prior to all that - I ran the strategy of isolating myself from friends and social events, for fear of having an affair myself. I really did a good job of that - neglecting my social needs and friends, and becoming a less interesting person overall, who also didn't bother her for sex. It was after that, that she had the affair.
re: keeping mementos out of it. You were a very courteous thoughtful paramour! I'm making note. I personally prefer "kitchen-table poly" where my I am friends with my paramour's husband/beau. If he needs to move a couch, he calls me. If there's a token of affection around for a few days (flowers), he'd hopefully not see it as a threat but as a cooperative effort to keep his wife/lady friend bubbly. My own poly relationship in 1994 was like that, but then I was the one welcoming in my girlfriend's second beau. I'm friends with both even today. Friends with that old flame's husband too. Had me as a guest for a few days last month. (but they are fiercely monogamous, it was plenty clear without even asking)
As for the isolating part. I've done that by accident. I'm peeling myself away from my very humdrum life at home a little. It's quite a small thing, but leaving my clinically depressed wife at home alone feels like betrayal. Listening to a podcast about co-dependency and I suspect that's what we had/have. Might be a lot of that in SMs.
My biggest thing is not the sex... Really the sex is just a sign of the inter-workings of the male mind. Men can think they are so manly but at the end of the day most men are the romantics and the sex needing attention and re-assurance. Maybe it is primal so we don't eat our mates.... It is not the sex that bothers me it is the refusal, it is the lack of confirmation that the relationship is healthy. So she can go out with friends and laugh, flirt, drink and party but as soon as you walk in the door - I am too tired. I don't want to. The male feels the true feelings that he is just a tool for security, financial or other aspects. Being a true loving mate is so far down the female's list. As for men that don't give it up to the wife I can't understand it....
The refusal is in the healthy relationship not the sex.....
Post by ScottDinTN on Feb 10, 2020 23:07:43 GMT -5
My wife is the same way. She would poor all her energy into her work or drive a couple hours away to see a friend but too tired for me. I also agree that the refusals was the hardest part and what hurts the most. Not the lack of sex. To me, sex is an act of love and when it is rejected, its my love you are rejecting. Not just a physical act.
And earlier post mentioned about being in a relationship with someone that doesn't initiate. I think I could be with someone like that as long as they liked sex but just wanted their partner to start things. I know some can just be shy at first about those kind of things. But someone that puts it off and isn't really interested is another matter.
Post by ScottDinTN on Feb 12, 2020 16:59:42 GMT -5
I was listening to an audio book the other day and the author referred to upsetting his wife and have to sleep on the couch. Funny how things change in a SM and there is a point that comes that you would rather have your own bedroom than to be rejected so often. Or maybe just to distract your desires and having a person right next to you that is unwilling to meet them.
I've grown to like my own room. Used to be just my own bedroom upstairs. Now more of my own apartment in the basement. A little more privacy. I just need to get a lock on the door so people will knock before coming in. lol
okiedude et al, I'm a girly girl and not a man, but sex is an outpouring of the inner workings of my mind, too.
It has to be with someone who wants to have sex with me, who is playful and accepting and interesting.
In those circumstances, sex feels appropriate.
You are totally correct. Many women feel the same way. When the male shows no need of the woman it hurts the woman just the same. The main thing, with this whole board, is a bunch of people that are in relationships that are sick. I really relate to the multiple forms of love:
Storge – empathy bond.
Philios – friend bond.
Eros – romantic love.
Agape – unconditional "God" love.
When your mate has Philios love for you, they really do love you but, as a friend. Just as I won't be hooking up with my buddies on the fishing trip. I would jump into the cold freezing water risking my life for them. I love them. I really believe that my wife has Philios love for me. She just does not have Agape love, like I have for her. I sacrifice everything for her. I love her with every part of my being. She just really has no desire for me whatsoever. However she gets mad if I don't sleep in the same bed or kiss her goodbye, good morning or hold her hand. Just she really has no real desire for me sexually.
I think this is when the people that get divorced from their SM, their sexless mate has animal sex with the new person. They found the person they can find the desire, for a higher level of love such as Eros or Agape for them. Just not us.....
There is the idea of, having sex with a person you like but don't know everything about them. Then there is having sex with a person you know all the good points and all their flaws. Add to that the possibility of going too far to the right or left and then some people become overly cautious and lose that romantic connection. They hold ever or most things/feelings in and the Eros goes down hill.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5