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Post by ScottDinTN on Jan 14, 2020 8:25:28 GMT -5
I don't know about others, but my decision to stay until the kids graduate was made easier when I moved out of the bedroom. Then I moved to the basement and started working on my own apartment. This new year I am working on putting in a new bathroom down here. My daughter is helping with the painting now so it makes a good Daddy Daughter project.
Every time I work on some improvement to "My Space" it is so empowering for me. How about others? Have you made some space for yourself in your home if you've chosen to stay? Does it make you feel the same as it does me?
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Post by h on Jan 14, 2020 9:49:43 GMT -5
I think I'm going to put some effort into this. I'm looking at about 3-5 years before I start getting out and some me space sounds nice. I have a basement and could make it nice with a little effort. Only thing I need is to carve out the time and energy to do it. I think before I do anything cosmetic, I want to make some plumbing and electrical upgrades though. I also have to tear out some damaged sheetrock from a minor flooding issue a few years ago. (Hot water tank corroded through and slow leaked for days before I caught it and replaced the tank.)
This sounds like a great project. Thanks for the idea. I'm not moving out of the bedroom, but a nice lounge/den/man cave would be nice.
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Post by mescaline on Jan 14, 2020 12:22:54 GMT -5
I'd love to have the space to do this, even a spare room would be good. Sharing a bed with my wife is very difficult when I'm awake.
Fortunately we have opposing sleep patterns so I'm normally in bed several hours before her and up several hours earlier. This is my space, in a temporal context at least!
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Post by saarinista on Jan 14, 2020 18:05:33 GMT -5
Pro tip to h and other possible basement expats: do not put up sheetrock or replace previous wetted sheetrock without fixing underlying moisture issues. Otherwise, your efforts will only have to be re-ripped out in the future. I was hoping for a better basement escape myself, but the rains have come and along with them, flooding. Another tip? External waterproofing is better than interior "waterproofing." Final tip? If you obsess about your wet basement, you might get so depressed you'll no longer give a flying flip about sex. Okay, that's not true. But thinking about exterior french drains and exterior bituminous waterproofing applied after you dig out your foundation's perimeter will provide you with many happy hours of mental diversion. In the end though, I've always come back to wishing I was making love upstairs, rather than in the woman cave. Gah.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 14, 2020 18:42:45 GMT -5
Pro tip to h and other possible basement expats: do not put up sheetrock or replace previous wetted sheetrock without fixing underlying moisture issues. Otherwise, your efforts will only have to be re-ripped out in the future. I was hoping for a better basement escape myself, but the rains have come and along with them, flooding. Another tip? External waterproofing is better than interior "waterproofing." Final tip? If you obsess about your wet basement, you might get so depressed you'll no longer give a flying flip about sex. Okay, that's not true. But thinking about exterior french drains and exterior bituminous waterproofing applied after you dig out your foundation's perimeter will provide you with many happy hours of mental diversion. In the end though, I've always come back to wishing I was making love upstairs, rather than in the woman cave. Gah. As a builder for 45 yrs. I'd like to add a bit of info on water proofing a basement. Saarinista is correct as far as she goes, but I would recommend going farther. Bituminous coating of the exterior basement walls is a good start. But for just a few dollars more one can install a waterproof drainage mat over the coating from just above the top of the ground down into the rocks covering the footing drain tile. Backfilling the basement wall with compacted soils is recommended. And don't forget to slope the yard away from the house so water will flow away instead of toward the basement. Be sure the footing drain pipe empties and flows away also.
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Post by h on Jan 15, 2020 9:17:27 GMT -5
Pro tip to h and other possible basement expats: do not put up sheetrock or replace previous wetted sheetrock without fixing underlying moisture issues. Otherwise, your efforts will only have to be re-ripped out in the future. I was hoping for a better basement escape myself, but the rains have come and along with them, flooding. Another tip? External waterproofing is better than interior "waterproofing." Final tip? If you obsess about your wet basement, you might get so depressed you'll no longer give a flying flip about sex. Okay, that's not true. But thinking about exterior french drains and exterior bituminous waterproofing applied after you dig out your foundation's perimeter will provide you with many happy hours of mental diversion. In the end though, I've always come back to wishing I was making love upstairs, rather than in the woman cave. Gah. It was my grandparents' house and they dug out the perimeter and put in drain pipes before we bought it from them. The water originated inside the house from a corroded water heater tank. We shouldn't have to deal with water again. Also, I don't plan on putting up sheetrock anymore. I'd rather do something more durable in case of issues in the future. I was leaning towards natural wood, but if there's a poly/plastic substitute material that looks decent I'd go that route. Less risk of mold too.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 15, 2020 14:15:16 GMT -5
Thanks worksforme2. Indeed, you finished what my hand was too tired to write. In fact I have watch many a YouTube video on installing a dimpled membrane are you familiar with those over the bituminous waterproof slurry that one glops onto the exterior foundation wall. And then yes backfill put an exterior French drain at the footer etc etc. Do you know of any good or even passable contractors in Metro Atlanta? Seriously! The labor market here is tight.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 15, 2020 19:08:42 GMT -5
Thanks worksforme2 . Indeed, you finished what my hand was too tired to write. In fact I have watch many a YouTube video on installing a dimpled membrane are you familiar with those over the bituminous waterproof slurry that one glops onto the exterior foundation wall. And then yes backfill put an exterior French drain at the footer etc etc. Do you know of any good or even passable contractors in Metro Atlanta? Seriously! The labor market here is tight. Yes,..Yes I am familiar with that membrane. It's what I used on my own home, along with the bituminous coating on the subsurface masonry. But the bituminous coating should not be glopped on. It should be heated until almost like water and then painted on the masonry, in several applications. Being watery like allows the coating to penetrate the porous masonry for a more effective layer to keep the ground water from penetrating. And no, I do not know any contractors in the Atlanta area.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 16, 2020 1:28:40 GMT -5
Well thanks all for the waterproofing info. I'm trying to convince DH that we need to give up on doing this ourselves and hire a pro. He has a thing that he needs to do it himself, but digging GA clay is too difficult. I'm ready to part with money and hire someone with a backhoe and a steaming bucket of tar as worksforme2 recommended. I know it has to be hot. I have watched MANY you tube videos. BTW, it will be PAINTED over granite rubble foundation, perhaps not penetrating the granite, but at least penetrating the mortar. I hope. If not, the dimpled membrane should be backup, plus the new french drain in the stone bed at the base, and the sloping away. It's a very sloped lot. Lovely but problematic drain wise. itme, my basement foundation is granite rubble which I adore and don't want to cover up. But maybe h wants some. Or you can just paint concrete. BUt I loves me granite rubbles! Except when they leak.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 17, 2020 5:30:54 GMT -5
Transatlantic jealousy. Here in the uk cellars or basements are rare as hens teeth. The older ones have a 5 foot ceiling height at best. I have the library at home. It has easy chairs and my laptop table plus hubdreds of books. It is my mental haven abd a ohysical retreat
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Post by ScottDinTN on Jan 19, 2020 1:32:43 GMT -5
The construction advice is nice but back to the main question. Have you made some space for yourself in your home? Something to call your space? A fortress or solitude?
Having my own space helps me mentally and the distance from my wife helps keep the peace.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 19, 2020 7:30:24 GMT -5
Since my then W moved out over 3 yrs. ago it is safe to say that Yes, what with changing the paint colors and some new furniture I have created a significant amount of "my space" in my home.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 19, 2020 13:18:01 GMT -5
I rented an apartment, but the lawyer says I can’t move in yet. 😡 So my daughter loaned me her room. I put a lock on the door for her [me]. 😁 That’s an interesting pickle, though not surprising. Does the lawyer have guidance on how much time you need to spend in the marital home to maintain your presence? Perhaps most of your stuff and much of your personal time could be spent in the apartment (getting some mental relief and benefit from the expense), with only X nights a week spent at the house.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2020 17:14:54 GMT -5
The construction advice is nice but back to the main question. Have you made some space for yourself in your home? Something to call your space? A fortress or solitude? Having my own space helps me mentally and the distance from my wife helps keep the peace. I had my painting desk. Going back to my marriage when the 'homeschooling' began (10 yrs ago?). It was my work station for several years,with a front window, main hallway, in the middle of the house, near the kitchen view. My back turned to all those things that was allowed to happen, could not change, did not want, was my fault, was not my fault, etc... Years later we moved to a bigger house, complete with a separate dining room that became the homeschool room. My desk made its way into the room with a front window/front door view, and my back to the rest of the house. I had my headphones, radio, drinks, snacks, and paintings, to pack up and take with me, and work on at all hours of the day. It sure beat trying to believe that their was going to be any meaningful time together with my W. Aside from our brief discussions about the children and their activities.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2020 17:55:39 GMT -5
I don't know about others, but my decision to stay until the kids graduate was made easier when I moved out of the bedroom. Then I moved to the basement and started working on my own apartment. This new year I am working on putting in a new bathroom down here. My daughter is helping with the painting now so it makes a good Daddy Daughter project. Every time I work on some improvement to "My Space" it is so empowering for me. How about others? Have you made some space for yourself in your home if you've chosen to stay? Does it make you feel the same as it does me? I remember the times I spent buying and preparing rental properties with my sons and daughters. Good daddy son, daddy daughter projects. Everything from painting walls, hanging ceiling fans, installing toilets, to mowing lawns and trimming trees together! I would consider that more "My Space" because these where ,my projects, done my way, with my time to influence and raise my kids with my values and support. The Wife was no where around. ( I paid my kids for their work too! No child labor laws broken here ) Feeling "empowered 'is a great thing! I've been reading "Boundaries in Marriage" again and remembered this part which ,I believe hits home with what you are experiencing. "The requirement for oneness is two complete people. A complete person is a mature person. A complete person is able to do all the things that adult life and relationship requires: give love and receive love, be independent and self sufficient, live out values honestly, be responsible, have self confidence, deal with problems and failures, live out there talents and have a life. Marriage is not meant to be the place where one gets completed as a person. The crucial element of "two becoming one" is that the two people must be complete in and of themselves- they must be adults- before they marry. (and during the marriage. I added that!) You must become a complete individual on your own in order to have true oneness with your spouse. A mature complete adult not only takes responsibility for himself, but also requires the same from the people he/she loves.
I believe all of these quotes relate to "my space" or being a complete individual. The years leading up to the divorce, the years during the divorce, and the current years after my divorce ,came a whole lot of "my space building". )
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