|
Post by alwaysdenied on Jan 2, 2020 16:42:57 GMT -5
Hello all. Like everyone here, I found this place because I'm near the end of my rope.
Pardon me if I don't quite use the right initials to describe myself. I'm nearing 50, been married 21yrs, male with 2 teens. Going about into my 13th year of being denied and can rationalize away my life when it comes to being denied. Now that I've read some I realize how NOT alone I really am with these feelings. I'm down to maybe once a period cycle if I'm lucky and catch her right before her period which is pretty much the ONLY time I'm granted limited access. When I finally don't get rejected and am given the.... ok fine... go ahead then from her I usually am ultra quick with it due to the fact that I actually love her and can't handle just being not denied. Notice I don't say accepted, just not denied. I have known for a while that even though I doubt she would ever actually engage in a Lesbian relationship or sex that she's one who is turned on by girls. She somewhat validates this by saying she doesn't want me to go down on her because she feels like it's a girl doing it (fantasizing about one anyway).
None of that really matters. What really matters is she constantly denies me saying she feels ugly or fat. Makes excuses why (if we went to bed together, or went on vacation, spent alone time) which never pan out when done. I've tried alcohol. I've tried massages. I've tried trips. I've tried housework. I've tried pampering. I've listened endlessly about her work. Her idea of pleasuring me is to allow me to penetrate her while being the perfect starfish. Then of course I will just get it over with and she'll mention something about how fast it was and how it's probably because we don't have sex enough (suggesting we should do it more). It's always something we should do more of but just in the abstract because she knows I have needs and that's the right thing for her to say. I don't really believe she is in an affair (with a male anyway). However I have noticed she doesn't mind masturbating secretly. So the gross and ugly doesn't apply to her masturbation.
Turns out, I'm the fool. I fell in love with her. I would do damn near anything else for her other than be celibate and feel this rejected. I'm one of those 'to death do us part' people who is wishing for a head on collision for either of us I guess. Turns out I'm not alone in those thoughts also. Intercourse isn't necessary. But intimacy is. As a comedian once said.... how much of a loser do you have to be to be constantly rejected by the one person you and her vowed to only have sex with? 2020, I'm taking the red pill I guess. Not sure what the future holds but this is a start.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Jan 2, 2020 17:03:23 GMT -5
alwaysdenied it sounds like sex happens about once a month on good months. Yes that leads to guys cumming quick. Welcome to the club you didn't want to join. Keep reading and I will say this forum is where you need to be right now.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 2, 2020 18:02:27 GMT -5
Might be timely for you to re-evaluate a couple of those life values you have Brother alwaysdenied . Like - "I'm one of those til death do us part types" Are you finding that life value is enhancing your life, or are you finding it to be a depletive influence on your life. It may be time to put that particular life value under the microscope.
|
|
|
Post by michael on Jan 2, 2020 18:03:31 GMT -5
Once a month?! Sounds like a dream in my world. Welcome to the place that no one wants to be.
|
|
|
Post by alwaysdenied on Jan 2, 2020 23:28:12 GMT -5
Honestly, the reluctant starfish sex makes me want to just leave her alone. And yes, I'm evaluating my 'morals' of honoring my vows. I do love my kids and at this time can't imagine walking out. Maybe that's why I'm walked on. Tonight I came home and have just been pissed at her over the whole thing. Sat down to watch some football and she cozied up to me and was like what's wrong. I'm not anywhere near ready to have that talk, so I just said I had a lot of things going on and didn't feel like 'cuddling'. Which 'cuddling' really means she falls asleep while I try to cop a feel and I end up getting rejected with a, I'm tired or whatever. If I hold cold a couple of days then I'll get 'fix it' starfish sex. Because in her eyes, starfish sex fixes me short term.
Not anymore. Why should I always be dealt with rejection? It's not like I'm not open to do anything to make her get off. I was believing the whole idea she just never wanted to get off again and was totally uninterested in the idea of getting off. It sucked but it would have been much better than the idea I held no sexual value at all to her other than getting what she wanted which is stability. I have it planned out to reject her when she gets the fear of something wrong especially because I'm not going to initiate anything anymore so she will have to half heartily initiate it. I hope to have the will to just flat out say, no I don't want to. By then I better be ready.
I've read quite a bit today and I see a lot of similar things which makes me feel foolish for not fixing my life earlier. Why should I feel like an accident is a better option than taking control and realizing I'm the normal one, not her. I'm sure there are PLENTY of women to love. There's much more to life than sex, however intimacy is the core to a healthy marriage and a healthy life. And rejection/control at that core of a level is devastating.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Jan 3, 2020 0:11:11 GMT -5
alwaysdenied , I think a sex counselor would do you more good than I have it planned out to reject her when she gets the fear of something wrong especially because I'm not going to initiate anything anymore so she will have to half heartily initiate it.I think if you take the "Not going to imitate anymore" is going to get you two in a deeper rut with bigger problems in the long run. The sex counselor idea is to have a third party to navigate a fair way out of the rut you and your wife are in. If you decide to talk about sex and emotional connections, state what you want and avoid talking about what you or her is doing wrong. Bad: I don't want starfish sex. Better: I want a partner that signals she wants sex with me by being some what active and initiating somethings sexual or bonding in nature.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jan 3, 2020 0:51:06 GMT -5
Welcome. Yes. It's a thing. A horrible thing.
I used to be in the same situation as you with my stamina. I found some tricks to improve my performance. It is possible to go from two pump chump to rock star, or better. The bad news is, refusing wives just want it over. The good news is, there are other women that appreciate that trait.
|
|
|
Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2020 6:13:18 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum. Keep reading. And take the information a bit at a time. You will have lots of epiphanies as you realise you’re not alone in your feelings. good luck.
|
|
|
Post by alwaysdenied on Jan 3, 2020 8:16:07 GMT -5
handy, you're right. I'm going to read up and figure out exactly what my emotions are saying before anything. My emotions are raw after seeing such things laid out exactly like mine are and I'm kind of in slash and burn mode angry right now. And that doesn't really benefit me in the long run.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jan 3, 2020 8:52:24 GMT -5
handy, you're right. I'm going to read up and figure out exactly what my emotions are saying before anything. My emotions are raw after seeing such things laid out exactly like mine are and I'm kind of in slash and burn mode angry right now. And that doesn't really benefit me in the long run. The slash and burn option should only be employed as a last and final step before leaving. It doesn't read as though you are there yet. You haven't mention having had "a talk" with her as yet. The talk I am referring to is where you sit down with her and state clearly and calmly how disruptive to the marriage and disheartening to you her actions and inactions are. Without anger you must try to make her aware that unless the dynamics in the marriage change toward something more in line with what you consider appropriate within a marriage, that it is only a matter of time before the marriage is going to end. The talk should go both ways. She should be encouraged to explain or justify why she gives intimacy so little regard and has made the decision that sex is no longer important in the relationship. She may have what she considers valid reasons for acting as she does. If so you need to know them so you can either knock the straw man down or decide how you are going to modify your own behavior to address her perceived wrongs on your part. You both should state your feelings about each other and say specifically how you see the relationship going forward. Communication is critical in any relationship. If the 2 of you can't or won't communicate your feelings then perhaps consider counselling, individual or couples. Good luck.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jan 3, 2020 10:30:56 GMT -5
Always denied: “ I'm not anywhere near ready to have that talk, so I just said I had a lot of things going on and didn't feel like 'cuddling'....”
Unless you tell her straight out, she has reason to think her actions are acceptable to you. If you tell her straight out and she doesn’t chsnge, you will know she doesn’t really care about your feelings and then you will have cause to look at why you choose to stay with a person who cares so little about you.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Jan 3, 2020 13:58:21 GMT -5
northstarmom , my W cares about my health but won't do anything about what I would like to happen. My point to alwaysdenied is a person can "care" but not be willing to make the major changes.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 3, 2020 14:15:23 GMT -5
Red pill mentality is good. I would have a conversation with her and inform her of what you expect from the marriage. There needs to at least be a compromise of once a week. If she is not going to give you the parts of marriage that you want then why should she receive the parts that she wants?
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jan 3, 2020 16:39:45 GMT -5
Go into that conversation with an open mind. She may understand, and work toward a better relationship, or she may not accept that your needs are reasonable. Be prepared for either response or somewhere in between.
You should also think about a worst case scenario. What is a deal breaker for you.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 3, 2020 17:00:52 GMT -5
Additional to what Brother ironhamster says - "Go into that conversation with an open mind" .... you also need to go into it in a fully informed basis. You need to know how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you. So seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish these facts is pivotal. One further tip. When you have this (fully informed) conversation, don't say (or get provoked into saying) anything you are not actually prepared to do. Saying things you don't mean, or threatening things you aren't prepared to follow through on achieves very little - apart from shredding your cred.
|
|