Another one bites the dust ....
Nov 23, 2019 11:49:59 GMT -5
DryCreek, greatcoastal, and 10 more like this
Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2019 11:49:59 GMT -5
As the caption says, yes … another one bites the dust. I've been off the forum for a while now trying to focus on my marriage and do anything and everything to save both it and myself. As many probably knew, however, there was nothing to be saved. After much patience and many attempts to find the 'solution' to Why Not Me, I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never truly know why and it doesn't really matter. I've decided to end my marriage of 6 years. He's moving out on Monday and the final dissolution hearing is in a few weeks. Despite my best efforts to effectively make myself insane, go without basic needs being met, and living in a barren SM for years all for the sake of the "dream", I've finally gotten to the point where I'm choosing my own truth, sanity, and happiness over the image of a happy marriage.
For those not familiar with my story, I'll briefly recap. Married 6 years, together 8. He's just turned 50 and I will be 50 next year. This is my 2nd marriage and his first. Oh, and most notably in my mind, we're the swingers. Yep, swingers living in an SM. Talk about an oxymoron. From the get-go there were signs - signs of alcoholism, porn addiction, lack of emotions and empathy. I chose to ignore those signs and assumed they were the result of low self-esteem from being out of work, past childhood traumas, or any number of other excuses. I told myself he would learn to trust me, would let that wall down, and all would be fine. It never occurred to me that this was just his makeup. The sex was always less than emotionally fulfilling despite him having the body of Adonis. Again, I assumed it was a trust and time issue, something that would resolve if I were just patient. Of course he liked sex and we'd have a great sex life, right? I mean, after all, he introduced me to the swinging lifestyle. What man doesn't want sex with his wife if he loves sex so much he'll share his wife with other men?
I've spent years feeling badly about myself. I've gained weight and lost weight. I've begged for sex and attention, cried countless times in the shower or car feeling unwanted, undesired, and wondering why he doesn't want me. I've literally made myself sick trying to figure out WHY and fix it. As has been said many, many times on this forum, though, it doesn't matter why. All that matters is what you do for you; what you can accept or not accept.
Many things happened over the past several months of my absence on here. We basically stopped all swinging activities and tried to focus on us. I use the "we" lightly as it was primarily me doing the work as always. It wasn't until after my husband ended up in jail for 30 days (doesn't matter why) in September and my finally telling him to get out, that he agreed to go to counselling. By this point, it was too late. During those 30 days I checked out for good. I found peace in my home again, was reminded of how much I enjoyed being on my own and realized finally just how little he actually contributed to my emotional well-being. I could see that the nice things he did for me (helping around the house, bringing me a hot cup of tea or a blanket on lazy Sundays, etc.) weren't nearly enough to outweigh the drinking, lack of physical affection (likely the result of a porn addiction and other things), and the financial issues caused as a result of his own irresponsibility before we even met and after. Add to that we never did anything together. When I went out dancing or such, I was almost always going by myself as he preferred to be home. There were no date nights, but for a couple times a times and the interests we shared were few.
Where's the relationship then?
I called it. I'm done. I'm choosing me. I've come to realize I want more from my life and do not want to continue to live in this cycle of insanity any longer. I don't care why he does what he does; I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I don't hate him. I hope he finds happiness someday. We are remaining civil for the sake of our kids and maybe we can even be friends at some point. I love him still and this was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. But I'm walking away from this man I wanted forever with finally accepting there was no real relationship to start with. There was an admiration, an insane attraction, glimpses of potential, and the hope that one day I'd break through that wall of protection he had built and maintained all his life and be able to truly connect with him as a married couple is meant to connect. I was mistaken, very mistaken.
Life is too short to be miserable. I tried many things, probably while many on here shook their heads knowing it wasn't going to make one damn bit of difference. But I had to know in my heart I did all I could, tried everything, and left it all on the table. I can without a doubt say that I did. I'm looking forward to him finally moving out. I'm looking forward to having my home back to myself. I'm dying for peace and to finally be able to stop that constant tape recording in my brain that kept telling me this was all somehow something that I did, could fix, or was the result of something I lacked. I call bullshit to that thinking any longer! While I've become fully aware that I have many issues within myself that need to be addressed before even contemplating another relationship, it takes TWO for a happy marriage and if only one is putting in the work, it's not going to last. The depths of codependency I've reached are startling to me, all for the sake of trying to singlehandedly save a marriage that he himself would not participate in trying to save. Now, I will work on me, for me, before stepping out and trying to open my heart up to anyone else again. This one put me through the ringer, but I've clawed my way out and I can see the sun shining over the horizon.
Many thanks to all on here who so openly shared their stories, and especially to those who so bluntly - yet lovingly - tell it like it is. @ Baza, you can update the statistics again. I see I joined December 7, 2018. My dissolution hearing is December 11, 2019. Almost exactly one year and another one bites the dust. Life goes on. To Thine Own Self Be True
For those not familiar with my story, I'll briefly recap. Married 6 years, together 8. He's just turned 50 and I will be 50 next year. This is my 2nd marriage and his first. Oh, and most notably in my mind, we're the swingers. Yep, swingers living in an SM. Talk about an oxymoron. From the get-go there were signs - signs of alcoholism, porn addiction, lack of emotions and empathy. I chose to ignore those signs and assumed they were the result of low self-esteem from being out of work, past childhood traumas, or any number of other excuses. I told myself he would learn to trust me, would let that wall down, and all would be fine. It never occurred to me that this was just his makeup. The sex was always less than emotionally fulfilling despite him having the body of Adonis. Again, I assumed it was a trust and time issue, something that would resolve if I were just patient. Of course he liked sex and we'd have a great sex life, right? I mean, after all, he introduced me to the swinging lifestyle. What man doesn't want sex with his wife if he loves sex so much he'll share his wife with other men?
I've spent years feeling badly about myself. I've gained weight and lost weight. I've begged for sex and attention, cried countless times in the shower or car feeling unwanted, undesired, and wondering why he doesn't want me. I've literally made myself sick trying to figure out WHY and fix it. As has been said many, many times on this forum, though, it doesn't matter why. All that matters is what you do for you; what you can accept or not accept.
Many things happened over the past several months of my absence on here. We basically stopped all swinging activities and tried to focus on us. I use the "we" lightly as it was primarily me doing the work as always. It wasn't until after my husband ended up in jail for 30 days (doesn't matter why) in September and my finally telling him to get out, that he agreed to go to counselling. By this point, it was too late. During those 30 days I checked out for good. I found peace in my home again, was reminded of how much I enjoyed being on my own and realized finally just how little he actually contributed to my emotional well-being. I could see that the nice things he did for me (helping around the house, bringing me a hot cup of tea or a blanket on lazy Sundays, etc.) weren't nearly enough to outweigh the drinking, lack of physical affection (likely the result of a porn addiction and other things), and the financial issues caused as a result of his own irresponsibility before we even met and after. Add to that we never did anything together. When I went out dancing or such, I was almost always going by myself as he preferred to be home. There were no date nights, but for a couple times a times and the interests we shared were few.
Where's the relationship then?
I called it. I'm done. I'm choosing me. I've come to realize I want more from my life and do not want to continue to live in this cycle of insanity any longer. I don't care why he does what he does; I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I don't hate him. I hope he finds happiness someday. We are remaining civil for the sake of our kids and maybe we can even be friends at some point. I love him still and this was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. But I'm walking away from this man I wanted forever with finally accepting there was no real relationship to start with. There was an admiration, an insane attraction, glimpses of potential, and the hope that one day I'd break through that wall of protection he had built and maintained all his life and be able to truly connect with him as a married couple is meant to connect. I was mistaken, very mistaken.
Life is too short to be miserable. I tried many things, probably while many on here shook their heads knowing it wasn't going to make one damn bit of difference. But I had to know in my heart I did all I could, tried everything, and left it all on the table. I can without a doubt say that I did. I'm looking forward to him finally moving out. I'm looking forward to having my home back to myself. I'm dying for peace and to finally be able to stop that constant tape recording in my brain that kept telling me this was all somehow something that I did, could fix, or was the result of something I lacked. I call bullshit to that thinking any longer! While I've become fully aware that I have many issues within myself that need to be addressed before even contemplating another relationship, it takes TWO for a happy marriage and if only one is putting in the work, it's not going to last. The depths of codependency I've reached are startling to me, all for the sake of trying to singlehandedly save a marriage that he himself would not participate in trying to save. Now, I will work on me, for me, before stepping out and trying to open my heart up to anyone else again. This one put me through the ringer, but I've clawed my way out and I can see the sun shining over the horizon.
Many thanks to all on here who so openly shared their stories, and especially to those who so bluntly - yet lovingly - tell it like it is. @ Baza, you can update the statistics again. I see I joined December 7, 2018. My dissolution hearing is December 11, 2019. Almost exactly one year and another one bites the dust. Life goes on. To Thine Own Self Be True