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Post by baza on Nov 24, 2019 17:17:52 GMT -5
Thanks for the update Brother @stillnj / @shynjdude
Sister @whynotm3 updated her situation just a couple of days ago too.
So there's two ILIASM deals brought to resolution over recent times.
Yours by a rebuild, Sister @whynotm3 by divorce.
Congratulations to you both on making your respective choices, owning the choice, and living the choice.
Both are big successes in my opinion.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 24, 2019 17:45:30 GMT -5
@stillnj, you know that turnarounds here are rare as hen’s teeth. If you could find the ability to share more of your story here, it might benefit a great number of people. Thanks for checking in and sharing what you have.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2019 18:00:27 GMT -5
@stillnj ... glad to hear you were able to effectively come together with your spouse and find peace. The most noteworthy cause IMO from what you shared was that you BOTH were willing to put in the work. It most definitely takes two. I wish you both much happiness.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Nov 25, 2019 10:20:45 GMT -5
I think the Love Languages book is a great book for couples that want to understand how to love their spouse better. In a relationship where miscommunication and misunderstanding are the problem, this book could definitely help. It won't fix many of the sexless marriages on this site, but for those that the refuser still wants their spouse to feel loved, it could help. There is also a book of The Love Languages of Children. It helps you love your children the way each one needs. I can clearly see how with my son, words of encouragement are very important. With my daughter, she is hugging and cuddling constantly. She definitely needs physical touch to feel loved.
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Post by csl on Nov 27, 2019 14:19:39 GMT -5
[ csl ] would you be willing to email this guy now to ask how things are today? There have been many examples of turnarounds that fizzled after several months. I hope they are still fully enjoying their relationship. You also mentioned shynjdude as a model for having fixed his marriage. Unfortunately... Done. Sent the man an email, and got this back this afternoon: This guy, two years later, says that they are on a good path. And shynjdude's update shows that he and his wife are on a good path as well. To address the cynics, he doesn't appear to be selling anything, does he? If he is, he's got to be the worst salesman in the world. Whoever heard of waiting two years hoping your mark will get back with you?
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 27, 2019 14:55:06 GMT -5
It's these: " essentially we are on a good path" and " we both have learned to serve each other and spend more time talking about what that means. From an intimacy standpoint, things are good, and we enjoy each other but she still has some pain from menopause. We have to agree on researching ways to overcome her pain so we can again enjoy penetration." After years of couples therapy, my ex-wife and I developed tools between us that also could have been described as "things are good" and "we enjoy each other" especially when compared to the post-affair period and the long Cold War. We learned to talk with each other, she worked on her assertiveness, which helped diminish her passive aggressiveness and developing drinking problem. The ferocity of fights dialed back and the productivity of them increased. We had regular date nights. We both acknowledged this and showed appreciation. But, sex and physical intimacy was still a problem. It was lacking, or begrudgingly performed, despite the relationship otherwise seeming to be cooperative and good. "A good path" When I asked our psychiatrist if this was a normal result - he said "Yes, it's a very common result." Specifically, that the particulars of household management, communication and partnership improve and become less fraught and in every way better, but that the sexual aspect is not restored. So when I read stuff like this, I get curious about how " essentially we are on a good path" differs from "we find each other uniquely attractive and both look forward to enjoying sexual intimacy with each other." And, especially, " essentially?" I'm curious about what " we have to agree on researching ways to overcome her pain so we can again enjoy penetration" means. Is it that they don't yet have a plan to help them with this, nor have they agreed even on how to research it, or who should research it, or even IF they should research it?. When I read that, I'm not seeing them even arriving at how to fix it (which would mean it is not fixed) but rather, not even arriving yet at how even to approach how to fix it. What is there to agree on about "how to research" it? That can't be that hard if it is a priority - so is it that she isn't participating in the researching of it? It gets into the constant thing we see with men and their erectile dysfunction pills, where the wives do the research and setting the appointments instead of the men figuring it out themselves, and the pills sit in the drawer. You research it by taking responsibility, researching, and implementing it and you do that because you have a sexual attraction to your partner and you want to be the sexiest thing for them. What I'd want to see over a long haul (for me - maybe this works for them though) to fit my definition of marriage would be something where their "good path" means effective partnership that includes exploration and expression of a unique mutual sexual attraction between them. I read that note and don't see I don't see him indicating that has occurred in his marriage. It appears to me as if he is saying he has mostly accepted that his marriage won't include the level of sexual expression that he wants - and that he has taken stock of the other benefits of his relationship with her (which isn't wrong, but I don't think it fits the criteria of "fixed"). It's only a few lines that he wrote, and he was speaking casually so maybe that's a misreading, but that's what I get from that note.
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