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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 13, 2019 8:34:19 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 13, 2019 15:31:30 GMT -5
Here is another from this article.
Factors which might prevent woman's sexual desire to fluctuate.
That you should expect sexual desire to fluctuate.
So expecting it will help prevent it?
Isn't this the 'rabbit hole 'that so many of us (men and women) went down?
Oh, she /he is 'fluctuating'. I'm not being rejected, they're just fluctuating.
I'll try again later. later comes and, Oh they are just fluctuating again.
Hmm... I need to make this work? I'll just wait until they fluctuate and let them ask me for sex!
And further down the rabbit hole the relationship goes!
Meanwhile this is the advice that is still being given out there.
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Post by baza on Nov 13, 2019 19:10:54 GMT -5
Yep.
A series of such "fluctuations" ends up amounting to entrenched behaviour.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 13, 2019 19:37:04 GMT -5
Years ago when I was still in my SM I read just about everything I could with the goal of finding the magic bullet that would unlock the intimacy door between my then W and me. 99% of it turned out to be pretty much worthless. The authors got paid for their time and the articles written so maybe some economic value added to the economy. But not so much when it came to helping my SM. I didn't see anything in this article that says to me hey, here is a new approach or insight that might make a difference.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 13, 2019 20:19:11 GMT -5
Years ago when I was still in my SM I read just about everything I could with the goal of finding the magic bullet that would unlock the intimacy door between my then W and me. 99% of it turned out to be pretty much worthless. The authors got paid for their time and the articles written so maybe some economic value added to the economy. But not so much when it came to helping my SM. I didn't see anything in this article that says to me hey, here is a new approach or insight that might make a difference. Yep, no magic bullet here to turn things around. But it does confirm many of the problems that occur in a SM. One partner decides to slow things down, and the whole marriage suffers. Once the bond ( the ring is on the finger) how quickly one partners desires/need changes. Add children to the equation and sex gets put on the back burner. |
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 20, 2019 3:43:32 GMT -5
My spontaneous desire levels fluctuate wildly. Knowing this about myself DOES help. I also know that my responsive desire levels remain pretty steady. That is, I could really, genuinely not be 'in the mood' for sex, but I know that I'll have a good time, so I give an enthusiastic yes. I only ever say no when I feel like sex will make me feel worse (like I'm sick and nauseous), but my partner is a sensitive guy so he doesn't initiate if I'm obviously feeling nauseous or something like that so I don't actually say no very much. Oddly enough we were talking about this last night and he could not remember a single time when I'd said no to a sexual advance.
It also helps to talk to my partner about my spontaneous desire levels. So yeah, there are many times during the month when I probably won't initiate. But that's ok. There are other times when I will!
ETA:
There have been times when I've cut off a likely advance by him by telling him how I feel (sick) and that Im not likely to want sex. But that's just communication. He does the same to me. At bed time we often check in with how we are feeling if it's not obvious. Sometimes it's 'I really don't feel like sex tonight, but I'd like some in the morning', sometimes it's 'I feel shite, please take care of me by giving me tissues and cuddles.' and sometimes it's 'I could go either way, let me know if you want sex.' Of course, this is inside a relationship where neither of us feels deprived and we make sure we feel that way and we also have quite a lot of sex, 2.5 years into our relationship - averaging over once a day. We were both quite sick recently with a cold that we both said affected our libidos (that doesn't usually happen for either of us, but this one did). We still had sex on average once a day. So this approach works for us because we're working from a high baseline.
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