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Post by sadkat on Dec 4, 2019 0:20:06 GMT -5
The documents have been transmitted to the STBX... Whether I get any sleep tonight remains to be discovered. I hope you have a peaceful sleep. Although you may be sad, aren’t you feeling a bit of relief and a sense that this is the right thing to do?
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 6, 2019 9:07:50 GMT -5
padgemi...why did you end up on the couch? If she was adamant that she didn't want to share her sleeping space with you then she should have moved to the couch.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 6, 2019 10:02:27 GMT -5
padgemi...why did you end up on the couch? If she was adamant that she didn't want to share her sleeping space with you then she should have moved to the couch. I wondered that myself? However, let's focus on the POSITIVE. This shows your willingness to change, to adapt and move outside your level of comfort. There's more to come, but in the end it so well worth it! Here's to new beginnings!
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 6, 2019 13:30:59 GMT -5
Well, since she has that bed, or sounds like you can use family money to buy yourself a bed.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 6, 2019 18:41:47 GMT -5
Makes sense to sleep in separate beds if one is getting a divorce. Why sleep next to a person whom you are separating your life from? Sleeping on a couch or spare room would be more comfortable. A couple of years before divorcing I moved to the couch. The couch was more cuddly than my refuser.
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Post by baza on Dec 6, 2019 18:52:22 GMT -5
Yep. The sleeping arrangements are something of a short term side-bar. You've got bigger fish to fry Brother itme .
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 6, 2019 20:32:25 GMT -5
Why sleep next to a person whom you are separating your life from? Sleeping on a couch or spare room would be more comfortable. A couple of years before divorcing I moved to the couch. The couch was more cuddly than my refuser. I agree it makes no sense to sleep next to the person one is divorcing. My concern is that appearances can lead to perception, and perception can become reality. By moving to the couch padgemi may be giving his children the appearance that he is the one causing the marriage to end. This is especially concerning if his spouse is vocally broadcasting that he is the one ruining things.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 6, 2019 20:40:35 GMT -5
Worksforme2 said: “ By moving to the couch padgemi may be giving his children the appearance that he is the one causing the marriage to end. This is especially concerning if his spouse is vocally broadcasting that he is the one ruining things. ”
The kids also could interpret it as mom’s kicking him out because she wants to end the marriage. It’s unfortunate that he and his wife didn’t decide on a kind way to tell the kids, a way to do so without casting blame. However, given his wife’s behavior, I doubt she would have been willing to do that. She probably planned to make him the scapegoat.
Frankly, I think she was bluffing about being willing to end the marriage. She never expected him to follow through.
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Post by Handy on Dec 6, 2019 21:01:55 GMT -5
Northstarmom Frankly, I think she was bluffing about being willing to end the marriage. She never expected him to follow through.
Exactly!
It is similar to you can't fire me I quit. Some people just want to think they have the upper hand so say or do impulsive things.
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Post by csl on Dec 6, 2019 22:10:21 GMT -5
Bed? Couch? Meh! Did she sign off on the documents? Focus, bro. 
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Post by saarinista on Dec 6, 2019 22:27:50 GMT -5
itme I'm sorry your wife is being a jerk. Unfortunately your story is all too common. For whatever reason, I've heard more than I care to hear about women acting like real a-holes when it comes to divorce, especially when it comes to taking over the kids. Not okay. (Men do it too, but not as much from my reading.) I'd like to suggest that you worry about YOURSELF right now and not what your kids may or may not be thinking. There's no way to tell. You can't read their minds. Just get through the divorce and take care of yourself. It's important that you DO take care of yourself so you will still able to coparent your kids. You matter. Don't let your wife tear you down because that will deter your ability to parent. It seems to me that these days many people worry too much about the effect of the divorce on children, but not enough about the effect on them of continuing a bad marriage. I grew up with two parents who fought a lot and I was always in the middle. It wasn't physical violence, but it was still traumatic. And when they weren't fighting, they there was a lot of cold silence. I fight the emotional scars of that to this day. Obviously, the care of children is of great concern in marriage, but I honestly think the tendency to put the children rather than the parents at the center of the marriage is a big problem. If the parents are happy, then the marriage will not work, and the kids will suffer. It's better for children to to learn about difficult realities when they're still kids, with guidance and commentary from their carers, in my opinion. Obviously I'm not suggesting children be abused or unduly shoved into the middle of conflict, but there needs to be a balance here. Further, I don't think any child is entitled to a perfect childhood or coddling by their parents. Kids must learn about the difficult side of life as well as the fun side, or they will be in for a rude awakening, and in fact may never mature emotionally. Parents matter too.
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Post by saarinista on Dec 7, 2019 13:04:59 GMT -5
itme please do not allow her to verbally abuse you or put you down in front of your kids. What a nightmare.
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catsloveme
Full Member
 
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 192
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Post by catsloveme on Dec 8, 2019 17:09:48 GMT -5
itme please do not allow her to verbally abuse you or put you down in front of your kids. What a nightmare. I agree. You don’t need to fight back, but clearly and calmly state that you won’t tolerate that treatment. Also, make sure you’re talking to your kids and reassure them that they are not to blame. Their emotional safety and security is important. They need to see you as their loving father and be able to trust that you’ll advocate for them—and for yourself. It matters now, and it will matter in the long run.
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Post by elynne on Dec 9, 2019 7:16:50 GMT -5
itme please do not allow her to verbally abuse you or put you down in front of your kids. What a nightmare. I agree. You don’t need to fight back, but clearly and calmly state that you won’t tolerate that treatment. Also, make sure you’re talking to your kids and reassure them that they are not to blame. Their emotional safety and security is important. They need to see you as their loving father and be able to trust that you’ll advocate for them—and for yourself. It matters now, and it will matter in the long run. Repeating this because it is critical. “The problems between your mother and I have nothing to do with you. There is nothing you could have done to cause this and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. And despite the fact that your mother and I won’t be married anymore, it doesn’t mean we love you any less. I know this is hard and there are going to be changes, but it’s really important to me that we stay close. That we can talk. If there are things that you’re worried about, no matter how small, you can come to me. If you don’t want to talk, that’s ok too. Just know I’ll keep checking in with you.”
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Post by elynne on Dec 9, 2019 15:15:02 GMT -5
She’s talking to me again. Not sure if that’s good or bad… Only time will tell. Hang in there.
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