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Post by workingonit on Nov 3, 2019 8:07:38 GMT -5
We all generally spend years trying to fix our sms. What is the craziest thing you have done to try to fix your sm?
I think I have 2:
1. As my efforts and my praise of him and everything were not helping our sex life be any good I suggested we taked PIV off the table for 6 months. My goal was to help him by removing that anxiety. We could play with hands, toys, oral but no PIV sex for 6 months. I thought it would be fun and new. Turns out I am not a psychologist! That was August 2009, the last time I had PIV sex.
2. When why chasing the lack of PIV sex after the above 6 months, then years, passed my h would claim it was because of birth control concerns. So I had SURGERY to tie my tubes. And, nope. Turns out that was a lie.
Dumb, extreme or in retrospect stupid attempts to fix things anyone?
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 3, 2019 8:53:17 GMT -5
1> More or less midway through my SM I though taking sex off the table give the W a break from my constant initiating and me a break from the anxiety I constantly felt because I wasn't getting laid. So for 6 wks. I didn't initiate. I then had a conversation with her to see if she felt more relaxed and less pressured. Turns out she hadn't noticed. 2> I don't know if it was crazy but near the end I tried to reach an agreement with the W for me to have a FWB. Intimacy for me and no having to deal with it for her. This effort consisted of 3 talks and occupied another roughly 6 weeks of time. She wasn't interested in allowing that to happen. It did result in the W saying she wanted to resume sex. That resumption lasted for 3 months before collapsing.
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Post by mescaline on Nov 3, 2019 9:10:20 GMT -5
I can echo No. 2, I had the snip 6 or 7 years ago, spent longer on the operating table than I've had enjoying sex since then. It was only a half hour surgery.
I told my wife 5 years ago I wouldn't be initiating anything either. I doubt she has noticed.
Interestingly though, I had my own motives for both of these not related to our marriage, but to my own self preservation. So I suppose they aren't quite in the titles category list, although closely related
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 3, 2019 11:37:25 GMT -5
All of the above.
Got a vasectomy because she didn’t like birth control pills and didn’t want her tubes tied. She couldn’t be bothered to help “purge the plumbing”, and never asked about my follow-up test.
Elsewise, it was a gradual decline, trying to find a level that she might actually be enthusiastic about. I stopped asking for what I wanted sexually; stopped my futile attempts to pleasure her; stopped initiating; then touching; being flirty / innuendos; and finally I stopped being affectionate.
At each point, I later found that she hadn’t even noticed my sacrifice after months, let alone missed it. All I’d succeeded in doing was lowering the bar for acceptable behavior until we reached the level of co-workers. It wasn’t until I stopped being affectionate that she really even noticed.
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Post by Handy on Nov 3, 2019 11:48:18 GMT -5
@workingonit ..... then years, passed my h would claim it was because of birth control concerns. So I had SURGERY to tie my tubes.
Workingonit, my W had the same surgery as you. Almost every time after the surgery, my W would remind me there was still a chance she mght get pregnant and if she did I would have to do most of the child care. She was a SAHM and I worked 2 jobs.
1. My W likes very light touch back rubs. So she got on top, I teased her back, played with her hair and stroked the sides of her face while I gently thrusted (small gentle strokes) from the bottom. My W said it was too bad that sex for her ruined a perfect back tease.
2. I did the take a break from sex to take the pressure off of her and I was hoping she missed the skin to skin contact. It worked to a point but her reactions that I was hoping for took too long.
3. Then there is my W's shopping addiction. I didn't say much because arguments always decreased the romantic feelings for both of us so I mostly kept my opinions to myself. Avoiding arguments really didn't help.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 3, 2019 11:52:26 GMT -5
OMG, itme’s note reminded me of all the failed romantic attempts... Burned a decade of points for first-class travel to Italy for 2 weeks on an anniversary. Opulent 5-star hotels, tiny b&b atop a family winery in the hills, walks through cobblestone streets in the wine country and medieval Florence. Won an all-expenses-paid first-class trip to a private resort in Hawaii. Bungalow 50 feet from the ocean. Status, prestige, service. Castles in the mountains. Limo rides. Fancy dinners. Gondola rides. Across 30 years, there are a lot of opportunities to try again...
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Post by lessingham on Nov 3, 2019 12:07:52 GMT -5
I became Cinderella. I waited on her hand foot and finger. Since all the books said this would stop her feeling overworked and unappreciated it felt the right move. Turned out I became overworked and under appreciated.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 3, 2019 14:03:16 GMT -5
DryCreek I am swooning over your plans. My h has NEVER planned so much as a walk for is. Damn it.
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Post by Handy on Nov 3, 2019 14:51:50 GMT -5
DryCreek Won an all-expenses-paid first-class trip to a private resort in Hawaii. Bungalow 50 feet from the ocean. Status, prestige, service.
Castles in the mountains. Limo rides. Fancy dinners. Gondola rides. Across 30 years, there are a lot of opportunities to try again...I was going to make a wise crack about me being super thrifty by saying "I suppose a 2 for 1 coupon for a Big Mac Meal was my problem for no sex." The reality was I could go to Europe OR I could make the house payments for several months. I like sleeping in my comfortable bed so I made the house payments. Impressive travels Dry Creek.
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Post by isthisit on Nov 3, 2019 15:20:52 GMT -5
Back in my SM one of H’s favourite reasons for refusal was that he was inhibited because the children were in the house. So, when an unusual opportunity transpired with both kids safely and reliably out of the house one afternoon.... I thought I would surprise and delight him with some spontaneity. As we walked through the front door, and I took his hand and led him straight up the stairs.... with a salacious smile and a glint in my eye.... he looked properly horrified when the penny dropped about my intentions. Wow that stung. I stopped in my tracks, he looked embarrassed, pretended it wasn’t happening and offered me a cup of tea. We never discussed it, but of course my confidence was crushed and I never bothered to instigate anything unexpected again.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 3, 2019 17:48:23 GMT -5
Ok.
1. First and second pregnancy. Sex was pretty lousy before the first, but, once we knew she was pregnant we started having sex more frequently. I figured the same would happen on the second pregnancy. Nope. Noda. Zilch. And not for over a year after the second was born either.
2. After the first, I started tracking our sex on the regrigerator calendar as a constant reminder. I made emogies before there were emogies. Happy face, we both had fun. Bad sex for both, a train pic representing a train wreck. The shaming seemed to pick up the pace for a while, but it did not last.
3. Nervousness about another pregnancy. I had my vasdefrens cut and cauterized. Sex picked up to an outrageous two or three times a week. Then, dropped right back down to our regular infrequency.
4. To encourage sex on vacations, I rented condos with enough separate bedrooms that every kid had their own room, and so did we. Four yearly vacations. Total sex, zero.
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 3, 2019 20:10:01 GMT -5
1. Got a vasectomy, based on the premise that she felt the pill was messing with her desire. 2. Decidedly took sex offline for about 6 months (as in, I did not initiate, on purpose), to take the "pressure" off her. 3. Agreed to an open relationship, which lasted maybe 2 or 3 years before I ended that, based on the notion that the freedom would allow her the opportunity to reconnect to her sense of desire, which she would of course wish to explore with me. 4. Got to a point where she was working part-time one day a week, and where I did almost all household chores, but she still didn't "have time" for sex and still had too much going on.
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Post by baza on Nov 3, 2019 20:58:15 GMT -5
I haven't got a particularly rivetting anecdote of my own here, but here's an observation on the thread so far.
It would seem that just about everyone has gone through a process of elimination by why chasing.
"We are not having sex because he is under pressure, that's the why" - so you take the pressure right off. That doesn't work. "We are not having sex because he is mistrustful of conventional contraception, that's the why" - so you sterilize yourself. That doesn't work. "We are not having sex because the environment is not romantic enough, that's the why" - so you go on a cruise or similar. That doesn't work. "We are not having sex because (insert your personal favourite here) that's the why" - so you (insert action here). That doesn't work.
You can keep going on this why chasing indefinitely if you so choose. (like a couple of decades if you are as silly as I was).
At some point - hopefully - you figure out that you are chasing the wrong persons "why". And maybe you start looking at yourself, in particular your own why. Why you cop this bullshit ? And that question inevitably brings to light some pretty confronting answers, and oftentimes hi-lights that you have some of your own shit to sort out.
And that's your start off point. Sorting your own shit out. The focus shifts from your spouse and the past, and concentrates on you and your future.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 3, 2019 21:55:53 GMT -5
Impressive travels Dry Creek. Yeah, good times were had. My early career was in the travel industry, so it came a lot more freely. And then I spent a lot of years flying to and fro for business, which earned me lots of airline and hotel points. Clearly, I could have spent them more wisely. workingonit, exciting examples, but like with all the others here, jumping through flaming hoops just isn’t going to get them excited when sex isn’t their thing. But that doesn’t stop us trying.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Nov 5, 2019 0:11:42 GMT -5
Many have mentioned things they have done to get the excuses the refuser says is the problem out of the way. I think it is good to try. There are people where that may have made a difference and its good to find out if there really is a road block to intimacy or if the person just doesn't want it. Even though it never made a difference in my marriage, I'm thankful that I can truly say I tried every possible thing I know of to save the intimacy in my marriage. Some day when I leave it will be with a clear conscience that there was nothing more I could have done to save the marriage.
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