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Post by windturbineguy on Oct 29, 2019 9:26:31 GMT -5
I am new to this group today. I really wish I wasn't, but I have been broken by my wife of 23 years when after the past 5 years she wanted to be intimate 1 time, 2 years ago. Does the shame, guilt, anger and resentment ever get better?
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Post by workingonit on Oct 29, 2019 9:40:46 GMT -5
Hi. Welcome. And , no. Not generally. Some people who stop in here do some fancy mental ju jitsu to suddenly accept their sexless lives. They do not generally stay on this site or stay and use this site to vent and not feel alone.
If you are feeling like it please share more of your story. Read around the site- there is lots of wisdom to be found here.
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Post by michael on Oct 30, 2019 3:48:51 GMT -5
I think over time you will realize that things will never change with your spouse. After that, you either have to accept it as a new reality or you have to change your circumstances. Myself, I’m finding it hard to accept so I’m trying to change my circumstances. For me, that is trying to find a girlfriend. She has had too many opportunities to get help with whatever problem she has. She won’t. What choice do I have?
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Post by baza on Oct 30, 2019 4:23:42 GMT -5
You've got 3 choices Brother windturbineguy . You stay (which is your current choice) You cheat (not advisable unless you like high adventure and drama) You leave This group might be able to help you choose the right one for you. There is no "great choice" available in our common situations, the 3 choices that are available all have significant downsides to them. It oftentimes comes down to what is the "least worst" choice .... and getting yourself fully informed about all the 3 choices is no short term thing. Welcome to the zoo.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 30, 2019 5:25:41 GMT -5
Welcome, windturbineguy, to the club nobody wants to be a member of. Remember the movie The Matrix, where the hero can take one of two pills, a Red Pill or a Blue Pill? Take the Blue Pill, and you go back to sleep and wake up in your old relationship whatever that means. Take the Red Pill and you will see things as they really are. If you read through old stories, we come here looking for the solution, the magic ingredient that will turn our marriage around and make our spouse desire us. Someone coined the phrase, "bacon scented candles," the one bright idea that fixes everything. It's all been tried. All those things you list, whether they get better is up to you. Your desire for intimacy is not going to change. Your wife's desire for not intimacy is not going to change, either. I am sure you love your wife. Does she love you? Does she care about your discomfort? If she knows you are hurting and doing nothing to help, that is not love. My wife was like that. My wife was perfectly indifferent about my misery. Google "gaslighting" and "DARVO" for an idea of what our interactions were like. As much as I loved her, I was never loved back. I was controlled.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 30, 2019 7:07:24 GMT -5
As to your question, does the shame, guilt, anger and resentment ever get better? The answer is, very seldom. There is the rare turn around in which the sexless partner actually realizes what their actions are doing to their partner and marriage and they set about to re-engage in the marriage. This is an extremely rare occurrence, less than 1% of the time. And the longer the sexless aspect of the relationship has been the pattern the less likely it is to happen. If your marriage of 23yrs. has been sexless for the greater port of it's duration then I hate to say it but the likelihood of it being fixable is pretty much zero. I am sorry to have to say that. You have read the 3 choices: stay, outsource or leave. There is some variation in the choices, like adding a FWB or opening up the marriage to other people, but the basic choices are the same for everyone. Stay, cheat, leave. You sound deeply hurt and that's understandable. Do you have anyone to confide in? Having that outlet might help you to deal with the emotional damage a sexless marriage foists off one us all. If not then perhaps you might consider counseling/ therapy. A good therapist might be able to help you realize that there is no shame in this for you. They could help you deal with your anger and resentment.
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 30, 2019 7:09:02 GMT -5
windturbineguy. Read as many stories on here as you need. Eventually you will get beyond shame and guilt as you realize that you are not alone. As for the anger and resentment, they will linger for as long as you stay in your SM.
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Post by RealMustangGuy on Oct 30, 2019 8:23:44 GMT -5
Welcome to our group, windturbineguy. We all have different stories and situations, and we all deal with this in different ways. But for me great comfort exists in knowing that I'm not alone. Not that I'd want this sexless existence for anyone, but knowing I'm not the only one helps me deal with my own situation.
For me the shame wasn't ever a big deal so I never had to deal with that. It was more a feeling of being left out, like everyone else on the playground was in this great wonderful game but they wouldn't let me play. Since I didn't do anything wrong (except make a bad decision for a life mate) there was no guilt for me either. The anger and resentment just faded with time and circumstances. The emotional damage and extreme sadness will never leave me though.
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Oct 30, 2019 8:24:00 GMT -5
does the shame, guilt, anger and resentment ever get better?
Shame, will dissipate when you reflect and realise it is not you, never was.
Guilt will lessen when you reflect and realise it is your partner with the issues. Again, it is not you, never was.
Anger is like a wave, it will roll over you and you will sink, but it leaves when you reflect and realise it is futile to hold on to it. Let it go...
Resentment will vanish when you reflect and look forward to a better life.
You will stay withing your own personal merry go round until you make a change. The begining of this change comes from within you, and adjusting your world view, your holistic view of your relationship.
It's all down to you I'm afraid. You need to do the work. At some point you will act. This may be leave, may be stay with a different view of the relationship and the world. If you stay you need to be at peace with it.
Good luck
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 30, 2019 8:57:05 GMT -5
I am new to this group today. I really wish I wasn't, but I have been broken by my wife of 23 years when after the past 5 years she wanted to be intimate 1 time, 2 years ago. Does the shame, guilt, anger and resentment ever get better? Yes. The feeling of brokenness improves when you find your own interests and cultivate your own friendships. It improves DRAMATICALLY a year or two after separation from someone who doesn't love you in the same way, and your romantic investment dissipates. At that point, you'll see them like a distant ex - someone you might pass on the street and not catch your breath. You might even wonder what the big deal was. The resentment -. I treat it like bad foods when I'm on a diet. I know it's there but prioritize other things. Forgiveness is a release in many ways. Imagine what it's like to be trapped in a marriage to someone you don't want - how that life sentence plays out. I imagine that if I had felt like that, I might not be the best version of myself either. The empathy can help you move forward, and also to realize the scale of the problem you are faced with.
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Post by baza on Nov 2, 2019 21:54:10 GMT -5
Chances are Brother windturbineguy , that your ILIASM shithole has had a deleterious effect on your thinking, and it is highly probable that you are by now carrying quite a bit of baggage, thanks to your environment over the past 5 to 23 years. For example, you may have become co-dependent (not saying you have, it is simply an example). So really, the way forward is down to you. If you are anything like most of the members in here you'll have your own shit to sort out .... and that's the place to start. If you get your shit sorted, lots of peripheral things will sort themselves out, leaving you free to concentrate on the big issues in your situation, and doing so from an empowered position. I'd add that this 'getting yourself sorted out' is a bloody hard road to travel, very challenging, very confronting. And, very rewarding.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 3, 2019 3:19:45 GMT -5
windturbineguy, stick around. I hope you find your happiness. The first step to finding a solution is to properly define the problem. I've found some of the best help on the internet here. Once I figured out my problem, I could implement my best solution. Life is not perfect but I am much happier than I was. Others solutions may be different, because the causes and the people are different.
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Post by csl on Nov 4, 2019 8:34:26 GMT -5
You've got 3 choices Brother windturbineguy . You stay (which is your current choice) You cheat (not advisable unless you like high adventure and drama) You leave This group might be able to help you choose the right one for you. There is no "great choice" available in our common situations, the 3 choices that are available all have significant downsides to them. It oftentimes comes down to what is the "least worst" choice .... and getting yourself fully informed about all the 3 choices is no short term thing. Welcome to the zoo. Actually, there is a fourth option, but it has the price of making two people miserable, instead of just the one. My option is to raise holy hell, continuously, until the status quo is intolerable to the refuser. One guy I know said that the two worst years of his marriage were the last two, when he made their SM a cause. He did say that his W did change, but it took two years of misery for both to get there.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 4, 2019 8:38:55 GMT -5
What’s the point of raising holy hell for 2 years to force someone to fuck you? Better to let go of a toxic marriage and create one’s own happiness.
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Post by csl on Nov 4, 2019 8:46:24 GMT -5
What’s the point of raising holy hell for 2 years to force someone to fuck you? Better to let go of a toxic marriage and create one’s own happiness. This represents the nature of ILIASM. Why? To save a marriage and to turn things around. After all, not all SMs are toxic, and your assumption that they are is unwarranted. Why the automatic assumption that you are "forcing" a f*ck? Coercive rape? Sorry, but people can change, and even brought to change.
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