I think that, if you are down to playing the "hope" card, that is a pretty good indicator that your marriage is a long way down the chute already.
That is to say that at some level you know your marriage is down the chute, and your response is to "hope". Hope that you are wrong and that your marriage isn't down the chute. Hope that if your marriage is down the chute that it will change - back to what it once was. Hope that if your marriage is down the chute that it will change - into something completely different to what it has ever been.
So if you are at the hoping stage, then you are already aware that your situation is in deep trouble. That's why you are hoping for a radical change to take place. Because your current situation is in deep trouble, and you "know" that at some level.
But hoping, in and of itself, is a passive activity, and a position of passivity doesn't do much toward driving the situation to resolution. That requires are far more pro-active stance.
I regret all the years I wasted on hope. Hope kept me striving for the impossible and blind to the truth. Once I stopped hoping, I felt much more at peace. I stopped worrying and working to fix the unfixable problems and started devoting more of my effort towards things I actually have control over. Hope was my enemy and stole too much of my time.
I can't control the decisions my wife has made. I can't go back in time and refute the nonsense I was taught growing up. The events of the past are unchangeable. All I can do is deal with what is going forward and hoping for the impossible will not help me do that.
Bits of me are dying but others are growing. One step at a time.
Hope is all I have left. Not that my wife will change, that will not happen. Hope that one day before I'm too old I will have sex again and even hope for a fulfilling and active sex life. Every day I get a little older and every day the hope fades a little bit more. But it is still there for me and I do all I can to imagine a wonderful life in the future. At my age I know I'm really pushing that pipe dream, but still I won't give up my hope. My wife is very sick and I know my time will come someday just not sure when. Until then though, I am fully committed to taking care of my wife and making her days as good as possible. But hope for after that keeps me from going insane over being sexless now.
RealMustangGuy, your attitude and approach is admirable. Though difficult I think you are doing the right thing. There are so many people who remarry or find another committed partner after age 55 that I personally know or have heard or read about, so keep the faith. In addition to caring for your wife during her illness and apparent final years or months, focus on being / becoming a better you... That's one of the few things you can control... You'll be happier now and you'll be happier in the next chapter.
I adopted this TWIST on the traditional Serenity Prayer: "I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept." Life goes on. Time marches on. No more status quo. It's time for living.
Post by tooyoungtobeold on Dec 6, 2019 12:47:43 GMT -5
Hoping for a SM turnaround is generally a fools errand. You have to either be OK with where you are in the relationship or move on. There are plenty of things in life that aren't a misplaced area for hope, put your energies there. Changing someone else, particularly if they don't want an intimate relationship with you, isn't one of them.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
worksforme2: Since our esteemed governor has declared a state of emergency here in NC (a total of 12 cases so far) the hording of toilet paper has begun. Is diarrhea a part of covid 19? I see Lowes and Home Depot have quick install toilet retro fit bidets.
Mar 13, 2020 10:34:57 GMT -5
petrushka: I've no idea what it is with the toilet paper hoarding. I walked out of a supermarket yesterday and saw a woman with the jumbo sized trolley and some 4x 18 roll packs of toilet paper. Nuts. Completely nuts. Incidentally, a bidet is definitely the way to go
Mar 14, 2020 6:18:43 GMT -5
petrushka: Even her little 5 or 6 year old was questioning her purchase!
Mar 14, 2020 6:25:44 GMT -5
petrushka: One of my favourite quotes for the last 30 years: "don't ever look a sheep in the eyes, the intellectual vacuum may suck your brains out". Well, let's all drink to the sheeple! (besides, alcohol is a good disinfectant).
Mar 14, 2020 6:31:26 GMT -5
frednsa: so...............i'd like to tell her when she "attempts to placate me": have you ever been invited to a party where you knew for certain that you WEREN'T wanted ?
Mar 19, 2020 15:57:05 GMT -5
worksforme2: Former Miss Hawaii tests positive. Being the gallant lad that I am I have offered her the use of my guest bedroom to "shelter in place"..
Mar 23, 2020 20:34:21 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey tamara68, there is a covid19 positive cat in Belgium, watch out for it.
Mar 30, 2020 14:05:56 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme I think I have to be more careful for all infected people. Most likely I already have Covid19
Apr 1, 2020 3:29:42 GMT -5
worksforme2: tamara68.....it's been a couple weeks since you posted you may have the covid19 virus. hopefully you are feeling better and are on your way to renewed health
Apr 11, 2020 5:31:38 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme thanks, yes I am feeling better. How is it in the USA?
Apr 14, 2020 1:57:26 GMT -5
worksforme2: some better and some worse,..virus seems to be slowing down, but people are beginning to refuse to stay inside,...worst thing I see is Biden leading in the election poles,...but that could be fake news
Apr 20, 2020 16:56:22 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Politics? Is that what we want to happen here?
Apr 21, 2020 6:21:24 GMT -5
petrushka: Certainly not American style politics. Toxic echo chambers.
Apr 23, 2020 16:21:52 GMT -5
petrushka: However, I feel that sexual politics, including political moves that impact the relationships between gender (misogynist, misandrist, etc) definitely deserve room in this context.
Apr 23, 2020 16:22:59 GMT -5
fred: just calculated that i've spent somewhere near 19,000 days (& nights) as a "rejectee".AND that allows for 2,000+ days (& nights) on business travel apart from her. i've chosen to "stay" .....would never do that again, and can't as you see doing the math
May 15, 2020 18:01:15 GMT -5
worksforme2: 19000 days and nights,....damn dude, that's 52 yrs.
Jun 17, 2020 9:19:10 GMT -5
fred: you're a little short works - was thinking this AM, there has NEVER been a day when she indicated desire for me physically (other than for heavy lifting or finance)........LOL...........earlier, i had enough libido for both of us, now i'm left with guilt
Jun 20, 2020 13:11:12 GMT -5
fred: over imposing myself on her rather than simply leaving .....DAMN LOVE ANYWAY !
Jun 20, 2020 13:12:12 GMT -5
mesulina: update everyone, still has not happened. I have now come to accept that I will live with out. It is just different now.
Jun 29, 2020 19:32:31 GMT -5
worksforme2: Sorry mesulina,... but on the positive side you did stock up on toys a short time back,..now might be the time to go for the gusto
Jun 30, 2020 17:42:54 GMT -5