I think that, if you are down to playing the "hope" card, that is a pretty good indicator that your marriage is a long way down the chute already.
That is to say that at some level you know your marriage is down the chute, and your response is to "hope". Hope that you are wrong and that your marriage isn't down the chute. Hope that if your marriage is down the chute that it will change - back to what it once was. Hope that if your marriage is down the chute that it will change - into something completely different to what it has ever been.
So if you are at the hoping stage, then you are already aware that your situation is in deep trouble. That's why you are hoping for a radical change to take place. Because your current situation is in deep trouble, and you "know" that at some level.
But hoping, in and of itself, is a passive activity, and a position of passivity doesn't do much toward driving the situation to resolution. That requires are far more pro-active stance.
I regret all the years I wasted on hope. Hope kept me striving for the impossible and blind to the truth. Once I stopped hoping, I felt much more at peace. I stopped worrying and working to fix the unfixable problems and started devoting more of my effort towards things I actually have control over. Hope was my enemy and stole too much of my time.
I can't control the decisions my wife has made. I can't go back in time and refute the nonsense I was taught growing up. The events of the past are unchangeable. All I can do is deal with what is going forward and hoping for the impossible will not help me do that.
Bits of me are dying but others are growing. One step at a time.
Hope is all I have left. Not that my wife will change, that will not happen. Hope that one day before I'm too old I will have sex again and even hope for a fulfilling and active sex life. Every day I get a little older and every day the hope fades a little bit more. But it is still there for me and I do all I can to imagine a wonderful life in the future. At my age I know I'm really pushing that pipe dream, but still I won't give up my hope. My wife is very sick and I know my time will come someday just not sure when. Until then though, I am fully committed to taking care of my wife and making her days as good as possible. But hope for after that keeps me from going insane over being sexless now.
RealMustangGuy, your attitude and approach is admirable. Though difficult I think you are doing the right thing. There are so many people who remarry or find another committed partner after age 55 that I personally know or have heard or read about, so keep the faith. In addition to caring for your wife during her illness and apparent final years or months, focus on being / becoming a better you... That's one of the few things you can control... You'll be happier now and you'll be happier in the next chapter.
I adopted this TWIST on the traditional Serenity Prayer: "I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept." Life goes on. Time marches on. No more status quo. It's time for living.
Post by tooyoungtobeold on Dec 6, 2019 12:47:43 GMT -5
Hoping for a SM turnaround is generally a fools errand. You have to either be OK with where you are in the relationship or move on. There are plenty of things in life that aren't a misplaced area for hope, put your energies there. Changing someone else, particularly if they don't want an intimate relationship with you, isn't one of them.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5