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Post by frednsa on Oct 27, 2019 16:02:21 GMT -5
have seen comfort and complaint but am looking for HOPE ! I know, it's not anything simple but i'd spend any amount and all necessary time to help her enjoy sex. she's nice and polite but how much of that can replace good old SEX ?
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Post by baza on Oct 27, 2019 17:28:50 GMT -5
"Has anyone found hope for husbands with asexual wives" appears to be your question Brother frednsa . This largely depends on your definition of "hope". Take these 3 examples, and read their run of stories .... timeforliving2 - achieved a turnaround in his ILIASM deal. There are not too many other examples of this. petrushka - achieved a state of serenity and acceptance within his ILIASM deal. There are quite a few of these in the membership. shamwow - achieved a state of fulfillment and happiness by leaving his ILIASM deal. Lots of examples of these. To me, these are all stories of "hope" in their own way and are success stories. |
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Post by Handy on Oct 27, 2019 19:50:28 GMT -5
Stories of "HOPE" well define hope. As far of major improvements, maybe 1 out of a hundred or 1 out of 200 cases improved sexually. To me that isn't much of a "hope" statistic.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 28, 2019 8:11:16 GMT -5
Look, there are four things to consider when dealing with other people. What they think, what they do, what you think, and what you do.
You have zero control over the first three. You have a degree control over the last one.
This is why "why chasing", trying to figure out what the "root problem" is and "fixing" it is a fools errand. In the end, you can know exactly what the problem is, even suspect what it takes to "fix" it, but the other party has to actively and enthusiastically be pursuing the same goal.
I'm not sure if my ex is asexual. I do know that she didn't want to fuck me. To the best of my knowledge, she hasn't fucked anyone else in the two years since the divorce. I do know that nothing I did over 20 years got her "in the mood" other than agreeing to make babies.
So the question for you is this: What are you hoping for, what steps will you take to facilitate it, how long will you give for those steps to be effective, and what will you do if your actions don't "work"?
What I was hoping for was her to enthusiastically want me and reciprocate. I tried all the usual "relationship enhancing" steps. When 20 years of evidence finally killed off that hope I left.
I'm a slow learner, though....
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Post by petrushka on Oct 28, 2019 17:27:51 GMT -5
Stories of "HOPE" well define hope. As far of major improvements, maybe 1 out of a hundred or 1 out of 200 cases improved sexually. To me that isn't much of a "hope" statistic. Hope, in fact, is the enemy. If you hope things will get better, if you hope your significant other will suddenly change their ways, if you hope that "If I only do this, then they will want me", then that hope is your enemy, because hanging around, waiting for things to magically get better, or running like an idiot in the hamster wheel of trying to please them so they will maybe come around and want to please you? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. If any of that would've worked, you would not be where you are. (i.e. un-fucked).
You have a hope in that you have the power to change your situation. You can change your perception. You can change your expectations. You can change what you do, what you want, where you want to go. Figure out what makes YOU happy, and do it (don't wait for them to join you, or support you). Don't take responsibility for their happiness: I got my biggest break when I realized that my wife was not going to be happy never mind what I do to please her, in fact, she was using it as a manipulation handle on me ... ironically she became happier once I stopped trying. Go figure. (I suspect it was a hold-over from her control freak manipulative father - using disapproval as a power tool to cowe the other person - she may not even be aware she was doing it but it caused me a lot of pain -- I got to doubting my sanity, and only got better once I started to collect feedback from friends who had observed things going on). But disapproval, disdain is a common tool of controlling people.
Learn to say NO. If they want something that will make you unhappy, don't grin and bear it, say NO and mean it. If they get grumpy - does that take any skin off your nose? What can they do? Withhold sex?!?
You definitely have a hope of finding out what will work for you, and that's a start.
But hope that something will magically fix THEM, that's the enemy that stops you from improving your life.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 28, 2019 20:54:24 GMT -5
Asexuality is a sexual orientation. If wife is asexual, the possibility of her becoming sexual is as remote as is the chance a hetero person will become gay.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 28, 2019 21:13:59 GMT -5
I am with petrushka on this hope business. I am a naturally positive and hopeful person. I think that trait has kept me believing it would get better for years. |
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Post by baza on Oct 29, 2019 0:39:24 GMT -5
Asexuality is a sexual orientation. If wife is asexual, the possibility of her becoming sexual is as remote as is the chance a hetero person will become gay. Just adding to this as regards the term "asexual". It can be (and in this group often is) a label that is applied pretty loosely which may - or may not - have any basis in fact. Here for example, has Mrs frednsa been diagnosed with this orientation, or is it just a convenient label to apply to a spouse who doesn't want to fuck you .... and one then leaps to the conclusion that because the spouse doesn't want to fuck you then the spouse doesn't want to fuck anyone. That may be a completely erroneous conclusion to make. The spouse may well be quite capable of conducting a sex life with someone else .... and that can be a bitter pill to swallow. Brother Apocrypha has written quite a lot on the subject. |
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Post by windturbineguy on Oct 29, 2019 10:24:50 GMT -5
After 5 years in my SM, I don't even have hope. I am filled with feeling betrayed.
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Post by RealMustangGuy on Oct 30, 2019 8:30:58 GMT -5
Hope is all I have left. Not that my wife will change, that will not happen. Hope that one day before I'm too old I will have sex again and even hope for a fulfilling and active sex life. Every day I get a little older and every day the hope fades a little bit more. But it is still there for me and I do all I can to imagine a wonderful life in the future. At my age I know I'm really pushing that pipe dream, but still I won't give up my hope. My wife is very sick and I know my time will come someday just not sure when. Until then though, I am fully committed to taking care of my wife and making her days as good as possible. But hope for after that keeps me from going insane over being sexless now.
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 7, 2019 10:13:42 GMT -5
Aesexuality is a sexual orientation. Aesexuals would never have recalled feeling a sexual attraction to either sex (and possibly neither triggered by a paraphilia or fetish - such as a situation of submission, or a particular body part or object. The most current research puts its prevalence at somewhere between .4% and 1% of the population, whereas the prevalence of a loss of sexual expression within a long term relationship tends to be much higher.
What that means is, unless your partner has never been sexual, including in your courtship, or with other partners, or (as you might find eventually) in her post-marriage life, it's unlikely that they are aesexual. It's more likely that their lack of enthusiasm is centered on criteria that are specific to their present situation - either with you, or the circumstance of being married to you, or the marriage in general.
In my experience as a separated man, I've dated many separated women who thought they were aesexual in their marriage, but turned out to be very sexual outside of that context. Because they would not allow themselves to think of other partners within their marriage, they simply thought themselves aesexual. Most of my separated partners, in hindsight, have revealed deep disconnections or dissatisfaction with their marriage or former partner, which led to resentment and a loss of attraction.
The good news, is that in those cases, after a long and difficult period, they did indeed often find sexual satisfaction, and it is probable their ex-husbands did as well, as well as many other benefits and consequences.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 7, 2019 11:02:23 GMT -5
I want to be in the boat with apocrypha but I don't have enough evidence to be all in. I have only dated 1 woman who came from a SM, her H being the partner who was sexless. She was eager to experience intimacy again with me. And my experience with ladies I have dated since my divorce has them at about 50-50 when it comes to wanting sex as part of the relationship. That's not a bad % considering they are age 65 and up.
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 7, 2019 11:43:07 GMT -5
I want to be in the boat with apocrypha but I don't have enough evidence to be all in. Fair enough, and I too would change my mind in the face of evidence. I want to be clear on what I'm saying and countering here - the mistake I'm seeing made in general (and that I made when I was in the middle of it). Countless claims on this board begin with a person whose partner no longer has sex with them, and the conclusion drawn that they are "aesexual". But what is the evidence? All they really know is that their partner doesn't have sex with them. Aesexuality is a hypthotheis. If, in the single world, I concluded that any woman who didn't want to have sex with me was either a lesbian, or an aesexual, I would likely be branded a narcissistic, fragile-egoed creep by anyone listening to me. I'm not the worst, but I'm not God's Gift to women, and I've had my critics. It's perfectly reasonable to not want to have sex with me for <reasons>, which aren't necessarily some kind of sexual dysfunction or peculiarity on their part. For the benefit of people tracking this discussion, I want to be crystal clear. I'm not making a claim that aesexuality doesn't exist. I'm countering the implicit or explicit assumption that the lack of sex indicates it MUST exist. If I give my aesexual partner a magic pill that brings back their libido and an attraction to "person or thing" - it STILL doesn't mean that they will find ME to be the object of their desire. If they are aesexual, clearly they chose me as a partner for non-sexual reasons. Take a couple I'm acquainted with from church. They each met a while back in the gay conversion therapy they were sent to, which did not work for them. They developed a relationship of sorts and wanted to build a life and household, and realized that neither of their families and their (then) church communities would accept them with same sex partners. They made some kind of deal with each other and got married to each other - she a lesbian, and he, a gay man. They then contended with what that meant for them across their relationship and in the context of a monogamous expectation. Effectively, either a vow of celibacy, or "a mutual and discrete understanding" of which I don't know the details. But I do know it's hard for them - because it comes up often. (and is especially poignant because they presently belong to a church community that embraces same-sex partnerships, and they are married to each other, instead of to partners who they might be interested in sexually). Even if they did a magic gay conversion therapy 2.0 to resolve their present problem, and magically converted their orientation to find the opposite sex attractive - it doesn't mean that they would necessarily find EACH OTHER attractive. Their choice of partners had nothing to do with what they found attractive sexually, and much to do with a desire for other benefits of long term companionship and a household partnership. If people solve for the wrong problem (and what they solve may BE a problem, but not THE problem), then they will not create a remedy for their situation. It's an important story note for me personally, because I think I ended up solving for the wrong problem, and dragged something out for a long time needlessly. |
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Post by Handy on Nov 7, 2019 13:22:09 GMT -5
apocrypha
If people solve for the wrong problem (and what they solve may BE a problem, but not THE problem),
This is a very good point.
Also your explanation of asexual (for all potential partners) and no sex drive towards certain people or situations is very appropriate.
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Post by baza on Nov 7, 2019 19:06:02 GMT -5
I think that, if you are down to playing the "hope" card, that is a pretty good indicator that your marriage is a long way down the chute already.
That is to say that at some level you know your marriage is down the chute, and your response is to "hope".
Hope that you are wrong and that your marriage isn't down the chute.
Hope that if your marriage is down the chute that it will change - back to what it once was.
Hope that if your marriage is down the chute that it will change - into something completely different to what it has ever been.
So if you are at the hoping stage, then you are already aware that your situation is in deep trouble.
That's why you are hoping for a radical change to take place. Because your current situation is in deep trouble, and you "know" that at some level.
But hoping, in and of itself, is a passive activity, and a position of passivity doesn't do much toward driving the situation to resolution.
That requires are far more pro-active stance.
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