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Post by solodriver on Oct 29, 2019 0:42:04 GMT -5
We are in this weird in between state where we are divorcing but still living together. It is awkward so my answer is skewed. I did not stop doing things until it got bad. For example we built him his dream study, invested tons of money. It is enormous and all his. I started off helping to take care of the space then just stopped. I told him it was his space entirely and he could look after it. It now looks like a mild episode of hoarders. But of course it is only hurting me as it is our house and the dust and cobwebs and who knows what else is not good for anyone. And when he cannot find the thousands of postits he bought he goes out to buy thousands more. But this whole chore thing is a weird topic. Like are you only doing those things for your partner? It is your house too, no? Why is yardwork a favor to your SO as opposed to a task to maintain the home you own? It is a sensitive topic because I do so much more than he does. And he is so much messier than everyone else. Your words are my situation right now, we are separated but still living together. I leave her bedroom for her to take care of. It's her space and she makes it look like something from an episode of Hoarders. Her problem not mine. I do most of the house work to help maintain the house and keep it from completely becoming a disaster. And my wife doesn't ever pick up behind herself, just leaves messes everywhere she goes and I mean EVERYWHERE. Sometimes I lose my temper when I come home from working 8 hours, having a 1 hour commute bumper to bumper each way and walk in to have to pick up behind her from all the messes she has left all day.
I think my situation is similar to warmways in that when she left her ex let the place run down and become filthy. I think my wife will do the very same thing when I leave. And that thought is very sad and very scary but I won't let it stop me from doing what I have to do to have a new life.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 29, 2019 0:51:48 GMT -5
The washing pile reached over a metre high. She just bought new clothes rather than wash them. That's EXACTLY what my wife now does. I only do my laundry and some towels so that I have clean towels and washcloths to use, not for her benefit. Her clothes just piles up and over her dirty clothes basket and in piles around it.
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Post by michael on Oct 29, 2019 5:54:05 GMT -5
The washing pile reached over a metre high. She just bought new clothes rather than wash them. That's EXACTLY what my wife now does. I only do my laundry and some towels so that I have clean towels and washcloths to use, not for her benefit. Her clothes just piles up and over her dirty clothes basket and in piles around it. These comments are strangely comforting for me. I thought I was the only one with a useless wife.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 29, 2019 7:41:18 GMT -5
That's EXACTLY what my wife now does. I only do my laundry and some towels so that I have clean towels and washcloths to use, not for her benefit. Her clothes just piles up and over her dirty clothes basket and in piles around it. These comments are strangely comforting for me. I thought I was the only one with a useless wife. You are in good company. When I was moving out of our home, I retrieved my two feet of hanging space worth of clothes from our walk-in closet. There was no floor space available to walk. I had to climb over and maneuver around boxes and storage tubs to get to my clothes. The rest of the hanging space and shelving could not contain her wardrobe. Much of the house was like that. Packed. There were items I abandoned because they were lost in her sea of mislabeled storage tubs.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 29, 2019 8:42:53 GMT -5
solodriver I also have a sense my h will live in a hoarder house when we divorce. I have tried to prevent that but it is not my problem. Need to vent for a second. I have done the laundry in our house since we got married. As I work full time everyone knows Sunday is laundry/cleaning day. By the end of the day everyone has folded laundry in their basket and they put it away. Laundry room is clean and organized. Done. Last year when my h moved out of the bedroom he started doing his own laundry. Yikes! There is no system. He does laundry randomly and constantly has clothes all over the place. He leaves piles on the kitchen table and loads in the dryer. There is always a mess in the laundry room. And his room is a mess with clothes draped on top of stuff all over. The irony is in therapy my h claimed that part of why he is asexual with me is that I infantalize him by taking care of him (he never complained ever or stepped up to take care of anything in the house). Well, I am all done taking care of him. He will have to figure out how to adult all by himself. Hopefully he will not die when an avalanche of books, clothes and post it packs collapse over the top of him.
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Post by RealMustangGuy on Oct 29, 2019 9:20:41 GMT -5
I never tried this consciously but thinking back on reflecting your question did so when our marriage turned sexless. Some of the household things that were my department I found "excuses" not to do in retaliation. But I quickly learned that just meant that they didn't get done. For example, letting the grass grow to three feet tall didn't mean sex, just meant I had to live in a house with three feet tall grass. Not painting the house just meant my house started to look bad.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 206
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Post by catsloveme on Oct 29, 2019 10:00:42 GMT -5
No. If anything, I do more because it occupies my mind and gives me a sense of control over my own life.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 29, 2019 13:34:26 GMT -5
I agree cats. I do more household chores as it keeps me from interacting with my wife. It's not a deliberate ploy to retaliate, just makes me feel less shit.
Likewise I avoid intimacy, we've gone forward in our relationship- had kids got married etc. I'm not one for going back to just holding hands and smiling over dinner. So I avoid it. With no expectations of any results, just my own mental and emotional self preservation.
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Post by h on Oct 30, 2019 10:11:43 GMT -5
I didn't cut back on most routine chores because they benefit me. I cook (all the meals) because I like to eat. I wash laundry because otherwise it would pile up in my way in the bedroom. I wash dishes if I need them to eat on or cook with. Screw the lawn. Having a nice looking house around here just gets you taxed more so I quit caring.
The only thing I cut back on was affection. No hand holding. No kisses other than the goodbye peck in the morning. No touching or snuggling at night. Hugs only at difficult times when I would naturally hug any family member. We are realistically just roommates and I treat her as such now.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 30, 2019 10:28:01 GMT -5
I didn't cut back on most routine chores because they benefit me. I cook (all the meals) because I like to eat. I wash laundry because otherwise it would like up in my way in the bedroom. I wash dishes if I need them to eat on or cook with. Screw the lawn. Having a nice looking house around here just gets you taxed more so I quit caring. The only thing I cut back on was affection. No hand holding. No kisses other than the goodbye peck in the morning. No touching or snuggling at night. Hugs only at difficult times when I would but any family member. We are realistically just roommates and I treat her as such now. We have not had a real update from you since she was making an effort. This is my sense and experience- all effort eventually dries up and you end up in the exact same place again with more resentment. How many cycles will we go through before we give up? Sounds like you are there, my friend. I am so sorry and so happy for you at the same time. Clarity is an essential element for movement. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to emget out quick. You are young and awesome and have lots of time and adventure ahead of you.
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Post by h on Oct 30, 2019 11:44:07 GMT -5
I didn't cut back on most routine chores because they benefit me. I cook (all the meals) because I like to eat. I wash laundry because otherwise it would like up in my way in the bedroom. I wash dishes if I need them to eat on or cook with. Screw the lawn. Having a nice looking house around here just gets you taxed more so I quit caring. The only thing I cut back on was affection. No hand holding. No kisses other than the goodbye peck in the morning. No touching or snuggling at night. Hugs only at difficult times when I would but any family member. We are realistically just roommates and I treat her as such now. We have not had a real update from you since she was making an effort. This is my sense and experience- all effort eventually dries up and you end up in the exact same place again with more resentment. How many cycles will we go through before we give up? Sounds like you are there, my friend. I am so sorry and so happy for you at the same time. Clarity is an essential element for movement. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to emget out quick. You are young and awesome and have lots of time and adventure ahead of you. I've been there for a while. I completely gave up on any hope of her changing. I'm devoting my effort to finances now. I'm working on separating accounts, pushing her to be more mindful of spending, and paying down debts that cannot be added to (student loans, car loan, but not credit cards). While I understand that credit cards have higher interest rates and it makes more sense to pay those first, anytime I knock one down, she runs it back up again so I quit trying. I'm really just stuck waiting for the right conditions to leave. A number of different things could move me closer to that goal but I have little control over them. I'm living life in limbo.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 30, 2019 11:59:48 GMT -5
h I hear you. I also support you not tipping your hand too soon. My h is fully aware we are at the end. I have trusted that we will be fair to each other. BUT a few weeks ago I was doing bills and saw that my h had soent almost 700$ on clothing in the last 4 months. That is like my clothing budget for a decade (excluding shoes!)!!! I confronted him and he said he had gained so much weight he needed an entire new wardrobe. Then yesterday he got a new credit card in the mail. RED ALERT!! I am making my move sooner than I had planned as of yesterday. I will NOT get saddled with more of his debt if I can help it!
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Post by h on Oct 30, 2019 13:17:00 GMT -5
h I hear you. I also support you not tipping your hand too soon. My h is fully aware we are at the end. I have trusted that we will be fair to each other. BUT a few weeks ago I was doing bills and saw that my h had soent almost 700$ on clothing in the last 4 months. That is like my clothing budget for a decade (excluding shoes!)!!! I confronted him and he said he had gained so much weight he needed an entire new wardrobe. Then yesterday he got a new credit card in the mail. RED ALERT!! I am making my move sooner than I had planned as of yesterday. I will NOT get saddled with more of his debt if I can help it! I know for a fact that she's not eligible for any new credit cards so I don't have to worry about that. We don't have many credit cards but they are all maxed out except for the few that she doesn't have access to. I avoid using mine unless I absolutely need to so they get paid down quickly. Once our student loans are paid off, I will be able to afford leaving and paying the spousal support. If she gets a better job before then, I can leave sooner. I'm not worried about her saddling me with any additional debt. She's just not helpful in getting out from under the debt we have and I can't get ahead of it by myself.
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Post by Handy on Oct 30, 2019 13:39:35 GMT -5
h, I have read that "legal separation" (a form of divorce but not a divorce) relieves each spouse of the other spouse's financial obligations.
Some people have done the "legal separation" lived in the same house and when they pulled the plug totally just rolled over the terms in the "legal separation" into a divorce paper.
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Post by h on Oct 30, 2019 13:55:33 GMT -5
h, I have read that "legal separation" (a form of divorce but not a divorce) relieves each spouse of the other spouse's financial obligations. Some people have done the "legal separation" lived in the same house and when they pulled the plug totally just rolled over the terms in the "legal separation" into a divorce paper. The same issue comes back to bite me though. Spousal support. My state court system has the spousal support formulas posted online and since we have no children, the formula is very direct. I can't afford to pay for that unless I either pay off debts, or she gets a better job which would change the calculation and reduce my payment. ww2.nycourts.gov/sites/default/files/document/files/2018-05/Calculator.pdf
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