|
Post by lessingham on Apr 18, 2020 4:09:34 GMT -5
Changing my mindset and inner vision. I checked in Rightmove and with half the sale of our house I can afford a decent two bed apartment in most places. Except London of course. Heck, in my home town, for US readers imagine a West Virginia coal mining town once the mine shuts, i can get a 3 bed house. So, the bedsit is a myth anchor on my future.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Apr 18, 2020 10:11:33 GMT -5
Lessingham, I thought if I divorced, I’d be living in a one room flat. Unlike you, I didn’t discover EP (ILIASM’s precursor) til I was 61 and weeks out of my marriage of 34 years. I had decided to divorce when I realized that I’d be happier alone in a rented room than with my husband.
It wasn’t til I saw a lawyer (something people here are advised to do to find out their options) that I learned that since I was in a community property state and in a longterm marriage, I was entitled to half our assets and debts. That meant I could live the kind of life you just realized you can live. While I’d have to give up my dream house for more modest circumstances, I wouldn’t be in a shack. But in my case, even if I had had to live a much more frugal lifestyle, I still would have divorced. The misery of my marriage was not better than being free and low income.
The bottom line is the importance of basing decisions on facts not fears.
It’s also important to do what you can to expand your options. For instance, putting effort into becoming a person you enjoy being with, and putting effort into doing activities and developing and cultivating friendships you enjoy mean you can be happy and fulfilled even without a romantic partner.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Apr 19, 2020 22:06:36 GMT -5
There is a narrow bridge to walk as a depressive, between everything is my fault and everything is everybody else's fault. Maybe the word responsibility is more positive than fault? I have to unpick the things that are my fault and work on how to change them. Once the little stuff is sorted I get the experience and confidence to work on the big stuff. The advice I am hearing here suggests the opposite, do the big stuff and then clear up the fallout and debris with a positive and cheerful heart. Heady and scary advice full of wonder. I think placing blame is a waste of time. To reiterate, it's a certainty that your wife is not interested in sex anymore, right? If so, you will never have a fulfilling marriage with her. The only person you can change is you. Rather than figuring out whose fault any of this is, why not figure out what would make you happy (your wife not among the possibilities, I guess) and then see what you could do to attain a chunk of that? Also, you do sound depressed to me. I say this not as a health professional, but as someone who takes antidepressants myself to muddle through life. I can't recall-have you considered therapy or even medication if you and a doctor agree you're depressed?
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on Apr 20, 2020 3:19:12 GMT -5
I have had depression most of my life. I have tried therapy, drugs, life coaching and happy. Being whacked out on Prozac in the middle of Disneyworld and still not happy was interesting to say the least. Maybe I have become a depressive, so used to being depressed, it is my go to mood. But I work hard not to be that.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Apr 20, 2020 10:04:18 GMT -5
Lessingham, you have reason to be depressed. You choose to live with a woman who treats you like shit. You choose to center your life around not upsetting her.
If you cultivate friendships with people who support and like you, do activities that bring you make, stop living your life to please your wife, in-laws, and relatives, you might learn that your depression problem has been linked to the way you have been choosing to live your life including whom you choose to be in it. Given your current situation, depression seems a natural response.
You use depression as an excuse. What you seem to get out of it is having an excuse not to take the actions under your control that would put you in a more palatable living situation. Sitting on the pity pot keeps you in misery.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Apr 20, 2020 23:53:17 GMT -5
I have had depression most of my life. I have tried therapy, drugs, life coaching and happy. Being whacked out on Prozac in the middle of Disneyworld and still not happy was interesting to say the least. Maybe I have become a depressive, so used to being depressed, it is my go to mood. But I work hard not to be that. I feel you. I really do. I've struggled with clinical depression for much of my life and probably always will. So far, my physical health has been pretty good so I'm hoping my interesting psyche will be my main cross to bear. 🙄 All I can say is: don't give up. Maybe you've tried other drug and realize Prozac is old news now. There are many newer antidepressants. If Prozac didn't help, another drug may. You do have to give these medications a multi- week trial, unfortunately, and tweak the dose. Sometimes a combination of drugs works better. I apologize if this is old info to you. Sometimes therapy doesn't seems to help much. Then, all of a sudden you reach a point in life where therapy DOES kick in, for whatever reason. And there are other treatments like ECT, TMS with magnets, etc etc. You keep posting, which tells me there's a happy you in there yearning for mental wellness. I encourage you to keep listening to your inner voice. So long as you keep trying, there's hope for a happy outcome. I know it's difficult.
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on Apr 22, 2020 6:03:49 GMT -5
In reality I am a reasonably happy person, unlike the whiney little bit h I come across on here sometimes. I no longer work and it was a revelation how much I hated my job. I have an amazing imagination and can spin mundane into gold. There are days when I crash and burn but I know these days well. They do not last and as long as I hang in there, they go. My sexlessness hurts and depresses me, but that is a battlefield. I have a home, money, crappy health but hey ho, deafness is not my problem. I am not cured but I am living the sayings of Captain Kirk. "We humans are killers, but today I choose not to kill." Today I choose not to be depressed.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Apr 30, 2020 20:36:08 GMT -5
I have had depression most of my life. I have tried therapy, drugs, life coaching and happy. Being whacked out on Prozac in the middle of Disneyworld and still not happy was interesting to say the least. Maybe I have become a depressive, so used to being depressed, it is my go to mood. But I work hard not to be that. I feel you. I really do. I've struggled with clinical depression for much of my life and probably always will. So far, my physical health has been pretty good so I'm hoping my interesting psyche will be my main cross to bear. 🙄 All I can say is: don't give up. Maybe you've tried other drug and realize Prozac is old news now. There are many newer antidepressants. If Prozac didn't help, another drug may. You do have to give these medications a multi- week trial, unfortunately, and tweak the dose. Sometimes a combination of drugs works better. I apologize if this is old info to you. Sometimes therapy doesn't seems to help much. Then, all of a sudden you reach a point in life where therapy DOES kick in, for whatever reason. And there are other treatments like ECT, TMS with magnets, etc etc. You keep posting, which tells me there's a happy you in there yearning for mental wellness. I encourage you to keep listening to your inner voice. So long as you keep trying, there's hope for a happy outcome. I know it's difficult. Just like to add: The antidepressants that worked best for my daughter were tricyclic antidepressants. They were among the first kind discovered.Prozac was red-hot because the side effects were much less severe than the previously known types. Shrinks were much more comfortable prescribing them. As it turns out, they're also less commonly effective, much of the benefit being placebo effect. * My daughter was given three SSRI's (like prozac) and no one explained they're very similar drugs and were unlikely to have much effect since the first SSRI didn't. I didn't know about drug classes at the time. A key goal of anti-depressants may be to relieve enough tired, angry, or sad mood to be receptive to talk therapy. Combination talk therapy and medicine is more effective than medicine alone in nearly every single case. If you or lessingham want some research I gathered over the course of eight years trying to help my daughter, just ask in PM. * retracted. Some SSRIs are more effective than others. See iliasm.org/thread/5887/efficacy-antidepressants-placebo Paroxetine, for example, is classified as an SSRI and ranked well in efficacy.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Apr 30, 2020 22:04:45 GMT -5
My eldest son is on anti-depressants, has been for just on two years now.
Don't take this as advice, as it is merely an observation - but for him, the medication helped get him on an even keel and sort out his thought processes. And from that base, he was / is capable of sorting out the problems in his life.
It wasn't the medication that solved his problems .... it was / is he who solves his problems, not the medication.
What the medication did was get him into a position where he could work it out himself.
Bloody hard work it was / is and he has / is doing a great job of it.
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Apr 30, 2020 23:04:10 GMT -5
I have an amazing imagination and can spin mundane into gold. There are days when I crash and burn but I know these days well. They do not last and as long as I hang in there, they go. My sexlessness hurts and depresses me, but that is a battlefield. I spent a long time on that battlefield. Interestingly- I got dumped on Jan 1 and so I've been without for 4 months now. Sexless totally - and I feel it. I don't like it at all, and I don't like that my relationship ended (due to complications from long distance, 2 years in). But it doesn't depress me though in the deep, bone-aching, soul depleting way it did in marriage. In marriage, I used to think it was the celibacy and the abandonment that did it. And it was - that alone was hard. But what was just as bad was that there was a reason for it. That reason was that my wife didn't see me as a sexual partner now, when she did before. And while I didn't understand her reason - the active rejection when I was right there as her husband - was utterly devastating to me. Even more when I saw in marriage (and immediately after) the low threshold she had for a "yes please" with other men. That hurt in a different, deeper way than the celibacy itself - which I'm enduring right now.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Apr 30, 2020 23:32:26 GMT -5
My eldest son is on anti-depressants, has been for just on two years now. Don't take this as advice, as it is merely an observation - but for him, the medication helped get him on an even keel and sort out his thought processes. And from that base, he was / is capable of sorting out the problems in his life. It wasn't the medication that solved his problems .... it was / is he who solves his problems, not the medication. What the medication did was get him into a position where he could work it out himself. Bloody hard work it was / is and he has / is doing a great job of it. Indeed. No antidepressant is a magic pill. It simply gives you the strength (if you get on one that works) to do the damned hard but necessary work of sorting your shit out and changing your behavior.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on May 1, 2020 6:28:59 GMT -5
My eldest son is on anti-depressants, has been for just on two years now. Don't take this as advice, as it is merely an observation - but for him, the medication helped get him on an even keel and sort out his thought processes. And from that base, he was / is capable of sorting out the problems in his life. It wasn't the medication that solved his problems .... it was / is he who solves his problems, not the medication. What the medication did was get him into a position where he could work it out himself. Bloody hard work it was / is and he has / is doing a great job of it. My eldest son recently began taking anti-depressants. They have been helpful in smoothing out his mood changes as have the therapy sessions talking with a counselor. I also purchased for him an oxygenator for use at night since he told me he didn't wake up rested in the mornings. That also seems to have helped as he is more rested when he wakes. But you are correct in that these tools just somewhat prepare the field for him to do the farming required to grow his understanding of his personal and behavioral mindsets, the things that make him "tick" as we say in the US. Ultimately it is he who must deal with and address his issues with anger, a problem he has had since childhood. It has been about 6-7 months since he began the meds and the short term effects seem good. Hopefully they will be effective for him long term.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Jun 1, 2020 3:24:35 GMT -5
I have been thinking about why I stay in my marriage. One thing that is difficult to overcome is I actually get severe headaches when I have concrete plans to leave sometimes.
The emotional potential consequences are a problem for me.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jun 1, 2020 3:35:23 GMT -5
I have been thinking about why I stay in my marriage. One thing that is difficult to overcome is I actually get severe headaches when I have concrete plans to leave sometimes. The emotional potential consequences are a problem for me. "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache." "You know? All of a sudden, me too."
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Jun 1, 2020 16:34:49 GMT -5
Handy Take an advil and get a therapist. If you're going to let headaches get in your way, things will never improve! 🤔😏 Just saying....
|
|