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Post by solodriver on Oct 24, 2019 22:01:45 GMT -5
solodriver - I know you have an exit plan and are working toward leaving your marriage. To clarify- your reason for leaving is your hope for a loving and fulfilling relationship? Was there any specific occurrence that made you decide to leave or was it a slow realization that your w is unable/unwilling to give you want you need to be happy? It was the realization that she was unwilling/unable to love me the way she had the first 10 years of our marriage. I foolishly thought that she loved me enough to care about my needs but all she has cared about is how she feels about herself physically as a result of menopause. She didn't try to do anything to keep the closeness we once shared and withdrew further and further as the years have gone by.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 24, 2019 22:07:00 GMT -5
Well, I did leave after 20 years so perhaps I may have something to contribute.
For the roughly the first half of the marriage, I had come to a stoic realization that being stuck in this situation was my lot in life. I was going to stay. I chased "why" and engaged with a variety of unhealthy mechanisms to cope with the situation.
Increased drinking, porn, and work all succeeded to distract and manage. At least until they stopped working.
It was at this point I started to consider other ways out. Specifically, I got to the point of picking out the tree I planned on wrapping my motorcycle around. This was as much to do with my coping strategies as the SM itself.
Eventually I realized I could leave. I began to make plans to stay until the kids got out of high school. It was the "six year plan". So the first reason to leave is I decided I wanted to live.
It's funny though. Once I made the decision to leave in my head, the timetable became negotiable. 6 years turned to 3. By the time I told my ex I wanted a divorce I was at 18 months to help her get on her feet. When she made no effort to get a job I chopped it to 6 months. So lack of effort coupled with a decision made induced me to accelerate my timeline.
In my state there is no alimony. If I had lived in a state like NY where it sounds pretty rough for the guy, I still would have left.
As it turns out, my decision to "stay for the kids" was a poor one. My ex is actually a pretty piss poor parent, and was also a stay at home mom. Unintuitively, I LEFT for the kids. It was a really good call for their sake.
Half the stuff getting split wasn't fun. But I also left because my ex was a borderline hoarder. She would have taken everything we'd saved (by working 3 jobs) and spent us into the ground. So it was actually in my long term interest to stop that bleeding and leave.
I drove to work every day talking out loud saying "I can't grow old with that woman" . The fear of being at her mercy if I got truly sick was pretty scary. I'd be better off alone, honestly. That's another reason.
She hadn't said "I love you" to me in something like 13 years. This lack of affection made me feel small and unloved. That was a reason for leaving.
Oh, and she didn't want to fuck me either. That was the cherry on top.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 24, 2019 22:13:45 GMT -5
Wow baza! As usual, wise words!
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Post by sadkat on Oct 24, 2019 22:18:49 GMT -5
shamwow- you had me at “I decided I wanted to live”. So very true! My reason was similar- I knew I would suffer an early death if I stayed. This is a powerful post. Thank you for sharing!
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 24, 2019 22:27:51 GMT -5
Wow, ScottDinTN - this is really a good post! It’s obvious you’ve thought things out quite a bit and have the beginnings of an exit plan. Does it make staying “for now” more or less tolerable? Having a plan really does help. It lets you know there will be an end to it some day and not just drifting doubting things will ever change. Being in limbo drives me insane but having a plan gives me some peace. I've even started looking at properties on Zillow. I'm not at the point of getting anything but its fun to think about where I may end up.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 24, 2019 23:35:47 GMT -5
A huge growth in my confidence/self-esteem for starters!
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Post by Handy on Oct 24, 2019 23:40:11 GMT -5
What would it take? I have looked for a different house but have not found anything.
Step two is I need some involved treatments for the next year and a divorce now would probably push me over the stress edge right now. so I need to get a handle on stress part.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 24, 2019 23:45:10 GMT -5
A huge growth in my confidence/self-esteem for starters! I sure hope you can grow that confidence! You have a whole lot to offer!
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Post by baza on Oct 24, 2019 23:46:37 GMT -5
Wow, ScottDinTN - this is really a good post! It’s obvious you’ve thought things out quite a bit and have the beginnings of an exit plan. Does it make staying “for now” more or less tolerable? Having a plan really does help. It lets you know there will be an end to it some day and not just drifting doubting things will ever change. Being in limbo drives me insane but having a plan gives me some peace. I've even started looking at properties on Zillow. I'm not at the point of getting anything but its fun to think about where I may end up. There's one thing you can take to the bank in these stories from the ILIASM membership. If the member has seen a lawyer in their jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for them, then they can make a fully informed choice regarding what they are going to choose next. On the other hand, if the member has not seen a lawyer in their jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for them, then they have no hope of making a fully informed choice. Hence the common suggestion in here to see a lawyer, get informed, and make a choice .... and base that choice on your longer term best interests.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 24, 2019 23:48:27 GMT -5
What would it take? I have looked for a different house but have not found anything. Step two is I need some involved treatments for the next year and a divorce now would probably push me over the stress edge right now. so I need to get a handle on stress part. I’ve found that life will always hand you reasons to not make changes. Some are valid while some are not. This post is not intended to encourage a decision. I was just curious about how you guys would respond.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 25, 2019 0:14:53 GMT -5
I decided to leave because: a) I had ruled out every reasonable and unreasonable remedy I could think of. b) It seemed well established that she was easily able to be attracted to and kind to her friends, coworkers and others - while treating me and my family with contempt c) I watched an older couple on what seemed to be a date, having a burger and fries together - on vacation - and I realized at that moment - that the quality of their casual interaction was impossible with a person who obviously hated me.
I asked that night if she wanted to be married to me. She said she didn't know. I said that her response and behavior likely wouldn't get a second date with me, let alone a sustained relationship or marriage. It was over.
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Post by lessingham on Oct 25, 2019 3:28:08 GMT -5
I would want someone to run to. I can survive perfectly on my own, I just don't want to.
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Post by michael on Oct 25, 2019 5:57:37 GMT -5
I want to be with someone who, appreciates and desires me. I get none of that and haven't had that in this SM for over 20 years. I'm just an income for her at this point. Like I always say: I have NO hope of a loving relationship if I stay in this marriage, but at least out of it I can have a chance of HOPE for finding a loving, caring, nurturing, physical relationship, one that I can give back as much as I receive, which also won't happen in my SM. So, why are you staying? Answering this question might help me understand why I’m staying. I could have written your post word for word for myself.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 25, 2019 6:39:54 GMT -5
Dead zone said: “A huge growth in my self esteem...”
Are you doing anything to make that happen? Therapy? Working out? Developing friendships with supportive people? Zip code therapy?
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Post by h on Oct 25, 2019 6:49:01 GMT -5
I thought my response and some others covered both choices. The lack of funds being my reason for staying implied that having acceptable funds would be what I would need in order to leave. If... Then. If not... Then not. I guess I’m more literal. All I interpreted from your post was your reasons for staying. I do remember something about winning the lottery (not sure if It was your post, though) If the only way someone would leave is if they won the lottery, that pretty much equals “nothing” as the chances of winning the lottery are slim to none. That lottery comment was true, but not the only way I would leave. Lottery would just be the quickest. My W has been frequently applying for new jobs that would pay better. If she got a better paying job, we could be separated within a couple years. There's a wide range between "lottery money" and "enough to make it feasible".
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