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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 23, 2021 11:51:55 GMT -5
I've been thinking a bit about this, and access to unlimited funds would allow me to leave. I could pay for two households so I would be able to have 50/50 with the kids. I could pay for round the clock care for my wife and ensure her accomodation and care was top spec. It wouldn't stop the guilt I guess, but would certainly assuage a lot of it. Food for thought, or fantasy at least! You are making the assumption your wife is going to allow you to have the kids 50% of the time. That's what I am fighting for right now. As a father, you would think it would be common sense that you should get your kids 50% of the time. The courts are not in our favor, regardless of how incredible of a dad you may be. You don't truly know what someone is capable of until you try to divorce them. All sorts of crazy comes out at that point!
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Post by sadkat on Jul 23, 2021 20:39:55 GMT -5
I've been thinking a bit about this, and access to unlimited funds would allow me to leave. I could pay for two households so I would be able to have 50/50 with the kids. I could pay for round the clock care for my wife and ensure her accomodation and care was top spec. It wouldn't stop the guilt I guess, but would certainly assuage a lot of it. Food for thought, or fantasy at least! You are making the assumption your wife is going to allow you to have the kids 50% of the time. That's what I am fighting for right now. As a father, you would think it would be common sense that you should get your kids 50% of the time. The courts are not in our favor, regardless of how incredible of a dad you may be. You don't truly know what someone is capable of until you try to divorce them. All sorts of crazy comes out at that point! That’s really too bad flyingsolo! I’m sorry your stbx has chosen to be vindictive and use the kids as a tool against you. Really, the focus should be on what’s in the best of the children. I hope things work out for you… and for them.
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Post by isthisit on Jul 24, 2021 0:27:35 GMT -5
I've been thinking a bit about this, and access to unlimited funds would allow me to leave. I could pay for two households so I would be able to have 50/50 with the kids. I could pay for round the clock care for my wife and ensure her accomodation and care was top spec. It wouldn't stop the guilt I guess, but would certainly assuage a lot of it. Food for thought, or fantasy at least! You are making the assumption your wife is going to allow you to have the kids 50% of the time. That's what I am fighting for right now. As a father, you would think it would be common sense that you should get your kids 50% of the time. The courts are not in our favor, regardless of how incredible of a dad you may be. You don't truly know what someone is capable of until you try to divorce them. All sorts of crazy comes out at that point! I too am sorry to hear that your ex-W has chosen to play these games. I see no reason why any parent should have to “fight” for his/her children 50% of the time unless there is a clear reason. Alas though it seems to be the way with antiquated ideas that children need their “mothers”. I have a friend who similarly fought for greater time with his children only to get every other weekend and alternate Thursday night tea times. Then the poor guy had to tolerate her whinging that “it’s alright for you, I have the kids all of the time” when he found a new relationship. Bloody cheek of it.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 24, 2021 2:27:24 GMT -5
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Don't expect a fair shake from the courts, either.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 24, 2021 10:15:16 GMT -5
The beautiful thing is that karma has a way of coming back to bite people like that in the ass. I already have a closer relationship with her family than she does at this point and she is only going to make herself look really bad to everyone. In addition to violating our interim parenting agreement a day after we signed it and scheduling the kids away from me all weekend with activities when it was supposed to be my first weekend alone with them, she filed a motion this week to kick me out of my own home because she has family coming into town for my son's going away party and wants them to stay at the house and doesn't want me there. Incidentally, I pay for the house (and everything else) as she doesn't work out of the home (and really doesn't work in the home). In the short-term, this is going to hurt my relationship with my kids as she is playing the victim role to perfection and making it seem like she has nothing to do with the divorce. The motion she signed, under penalty of perjury by the way, was chock full of lies and inaccuracies. She and her attorneys are a real piece of work and I honestly cannot believe someone can consciously sign a document full of that much bs under a penalty of perjury and get away with it.
However, I am already so much happier with the prospects of being away from her and moving on with my life in peace, even with all this divorce bs to contend with. I have an apartment almost ready to go that is more like a house/condo with a two car garage and the two of my three kids who have seen it love it. I have a woman I am interested in seeing once I am out of this cluster of a marriage and I look forward to being with someone who respects me as a person. My STBX will be bitter, angry and alone, most likely for the rest of her life based on her attitude and who she is. Good riddance.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 24, 2021 23:55:54 GMT -5
Great to hear, flyingsolo. Clearly your decision to divorce was a good one. I'm totally unsurprised that it's gotten nasty. Just finish it up and move ahead. That's my advice. Too bad she's made being a mom her entire life, as I think that's limiting. Oh well.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 25, 2021 11:01:31 GMT -5
If anything, this whole process has told me I am making the right choice in leaving. For all of you stuck on the fence, ask yourself one question - Are you living your best life? You can chase the "why" of your sexless marriage forever and not find the answer. If you don't make changes, 10 years from now you are going to be in the exact same spot but 10 years older and those 10 years may very well feel like 10 years wasted if you aren't careful. Plus you will be 10 years further behind the financial curve at recovering from a divorce. Is waiting for your spouse to die your exit strategy? I hope not for your sake and the sake of living a fulfilling life. Bottom line, for whatever reason, your spouse is not having sex with you. That isn't normal and isn't part of a happy, healthy relationship and you have a right to a fulfilling and emotionally and physically engaging sex life and marriage. If you stay in a frustrating, sexless marriage which is causing you stress, you will likely live a shorter life because of it (up to 9 years shorter based on some studies based on stress). Ask yourself what you are getting out of your marriage. If the answer is "Nothing", welcome to the realization that you are enabling your spouse's avoidant and sexless lifestyle by staying in your marriage. If you've done the work on yourself to be a good, emotionally available person and still aren't in a happy marriage, why stay? You have one life you get to live so, to quote the Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying". Why let a frigid spouse ruin a big part of it for you? All of the above was part of the journey I went through to ultimately realize that no matter what I did, my spouse did not care about my happiness and was emotionally abusive and had been for a long time. It took me a long time to realize that and even longer to get up the courage to leave given my financial situation and my children. I realized I was only staying for them, but that they will ultimately adjust and be fine when they see me happy and realize that I am not going anywhere. Once I started the process of getting out of my marriage, I felt like I was regaining control of my life again. I can't explain it, but it's liberating and exciting and I cannot wait to get away from the anchor around my neck that was my marriage for the past 10+ years and my abusive spouse.
Onward and upward!!!
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Post by isthisit on Jul 25, 2021 16:30:33 GMT -5
If anything, this whole process has told me I am making the right choice in leaving. For all of you stuck on the fence, ask yourself one question - Are you living your best life? You can chase the "why" of your sexless marriage forever and not find the answer. If you don't make changes, 10 years from now you are going to be in the exact same spot but 10 years older and those 10 years may very well feel like 10 years wasted if you aren't careful. Plus you will be 10 years further behind the financial curve at recovering from a divorce. Is waiting for your spouse to die your exit strategy? I hope not for your sake and the sake of living a fulfilling life. Bottom line, for whatever reason, your spouse is not having sex with you. That isn't normal and isn't part of a happy, healthy relationship and you have a right to a fulfilling and emotionally and physically engaging sex life and marriage. If you stay in a frustrating, sexless marriage which is causing you stress, you will likely live a shorter life because of it (up to 9 years shorter based on some studies based on stress). Ask yourself what you are getting out of your marriage. If the answer is "Nothing", welcome to the realization that you are enabling your spouse's avoidant and sexless lifestyle by staying in your marriage. If you've done the work on yourself to be a good, emotionally available person and still aren't in a happy marriage, why stay? You have one life you get to live so, to quote the Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying". Why let a frigid spouse ruin a big part of it for you? All of the above was part of the journey I went through to ultimately realize that no matter what I did, my spouse did not care about my happiness and was emotionally abusive and had been for a long time. It took me a long time to realize that and even longer to get up the courage to leave given my financial situation and my children. I realized I was only staying for them, but that they will ultimately adjust and be fine when they see me happy and realize that I am not going anywhere. Once I started the process of getting out of my marriage, I felt like I was regaining control of my life again. I can't explain it, but it's liberating and exciting and I cannot wait to get away from the anchor around my neck that was my marriage for the past 10+ years and my abusive spouse. Onward and upward!!! This should be compulsory reading for everyone here. While staying is as valid a choice as leaving, it should be a choice and not simply avoidance of any decision at all. None of us know how far along our life course we are. Time is precious.
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Post by sadkat on Jul 25, 2021 21:07:34 GMT -5
If anything, this whole process has told me I am making the right choice in leaving. For all of you stuck on the fence, ask yourself one question - Are you living your best life? You can chase the "why" of your sexless marriage forever and not find the answer. If you don't make changes, 10 years from now you are going to be in the exact same spot but 10 years older and those 10 years may very well feel like 10 years wasted if you aren't careful. Plus you will be 10 years further behind the financial curve at recovering from a divorce. Is waiting for your spouse to die your exit strategy? I hope not for your sake and the sake of living a fulfilling life. Bottom line, for whatever reason, your spouse is not having sex with you. That isn't normal and isn't part of a happy, healthy relationship and you have a right to a fulfilling and emotionally and physically engaging sex life and marriage. If you stay in a frustrating, sexless marriage which is causing you stress, you will likely live a shorter life because of it (up to 9 years shorter based on some studies based on stress). Ask yourself what you are getting out of your marriage. If the answer is "Nothing", welcome to the realization that you are enabling your spouse's avoidant and sexless lifestyle by staying in your marriage. If you've done the work on yourself to be a good, emotionally available person and still aren't in a happy marriage, why stay? You have one life you get to live so, to quote the Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying". Why let a frigid spouse ruin a big part of it for you? All of the above was part of the journey I went through to ultimately realize that no matter what I did, my spouse did not care about my happiness and was emotionally abusive and had been for a long time. It took me a long time to realize that and even longer to get up the courage to leave given my financial situation and my children. I realized I was only staying for them, but that they will ultimately adjust and be fine when they see me happy and realize that I am not going anywhere. Once I started the process of getting out of my marriage, I felt like I was regaining control of my life again. I can't explain it, but it's liberating and exciting and I cannot wait to get away from the anchor around my neck that was my marriage for the past 10+ years and my abusive spouse. Onward and upward!!! This should be compulsory reading for everyone here. While staying is as valid a choice as leaving, it should be a choice and not simply avoidance of any decision at all. None of us know how far along our life course we are. Time is precious. I couldn’t agree more! I’m very happy that you are finally finding happiness flyingsolo!
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Post by shamwow on Jul 31, 2021 2:27:58 GMT -5
The third marriage better be an open one, or she can expect a third divorce. She just isn't wife material and she needs to own that. I don't see any possibility of a 3rd marriage for her. She has voiced a # of times that if she never had to have sex again that would be just fine with her. And she has shown no inclination to date or interact, on any plane of intimacy, with men since the divorce. I think she recognizes that she isn't good wife material and she is OK with that. I've sometimes wondered if my ex would wind up in a relationship again. It's been over 4 years since our divorce finalized, after all. I know she has dated, to the point where she pinged me to let me know she was going to introduce a boyfriend to the kids whom she had been dating "for a couple months". That and other relationships seem to have gone nowhere, and I haven't heard much on that front in almost two years. I suppose it's unsurprising. It's one thing to bait and switch a naive 22 year old virgin into marriage and upon saying "I do" closing up shop. It's another thing entirely in this day and age to actively date while being sex-adverse(phobic?). I suspect that she has likely had a rough time of it. I'm also guessing that she currency has a "I don't need a man" viewpoint. I also suspect that viewpoint may change next may when child support (and approximately 40 percent of her income) ends. By my calculations, she has burnt out through most of the several hundred thousands of dollars in cash she received from her half of the divorce settlement. It is quite likely she will discover that she does, in fact, need a man. However, the reality of her intimacy phobia will make attracting and securing one a difficult proposition to say the least. I don't think about it much other than to get my popcorn and watch (with minimum interest) from afar. Karma may be a bitch, but she is also kind of entertaining.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 1, 2021 5:03:31 GMT -5
I have a passing morbid curiosity about what relationship status my ex has or will have. Per her Facebook profile, she is in a relationship, but neither he nor she have posted any public pics since their last relationship status update to "in a relationship."
If she is indeed in a relationship, good for her. Maybe she found a man with no sexual expectations. She's not my problem anymore, mostly.
The only places where she remains an issue in my life are in her influence of our children, child support, and alimony, and the alimony goes away if only she will only cohabitate with her significant other.
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Post by Handy on Aug 1, 2021 12:12:01 GMT -5
Ironmaster ......and alimony, and the alimony goes away if only she will only cohabitate with her significant other.
Ironmaster, lots of divorced people are in a long term relationship with someone but they hide that fact so they do not lose the spousal support money.
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Post by isthisit on Aug 1, 2021 16:28:58 GMT -5
Yup, another one here with a degree of fascination for how my ex moved forward. He signed up to Tinder and I suspect had some high hopes of showing me that he was over me and could do sooooooo much better. Well turns out he couldn’t. He worked super hard at it, had three dates who ghosted him immediately after one date, and one whom he saw three times who at least told him she had had enough.
He has deleted his accounts and resigned himself to his fate. I will be honest, a large part of me wanted to ask if he now regretted the minimal effort he put into our marriage, for taking me for granted for so many years and for not appreciating what he had. I didn’t because honestly it changes nothing for me. I hope he can be happy, whatever that looks like for him, despite him not being able to offer the same generosity to me. He is still bitter and likely to remain so now. That’s his problem and not mine.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 2, 2021 6:25:58 GMT -5
Yup, another one here with a degree of fascination for how my ex moved forward. He signed up to Tinder and I suspect had some high hopes of showing me that he was over me and could do sooooooo much better. Well turns out he couldn’t. He worked super hard at it, had three dates who ghosted him immediately after one date, and one whom he saw three times who at least told him she had had enough. He has deleted his accounts and resigned himself to his fate. Tinder? A refuser? I have visions of the ladies sliding their hand across his chest and reaching for a shirt button and his surprised, "That already? We only just met!"
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Post by isthisit on Aug 2, 2021 14:30:36 GMT -5
Yup, another one here with a degree of fascination for how my ex moved forward. He signed up to Tinder and I suspect had some high hopes of showing me that he was over me and could do sooooooo much better. Well turns out he couldn’t. He worked super hard at it, had three dates who ghosted him immediately after one date, and one whom he saw three times who at least told him she had had enough. He has deleted his accounts and resigned himself to his fate. Tinder? A refuser? I have visions of the ladies sliding their hand across his chest and reaching for a shirt button and his surprised, "That already? We only just met!" Well, H still declines to accept that our marriage was sexless. According to him (still) we enjoyed an imaginative, frequent and robust physical relationship- which HE tells ME I absolutely loved every moment of. I replied “and what about after 2001?” I expect that it’s part denial, part ego preservation and just partly simple BS to save face. Whatever. If he has some validation to achieve via Tinder- get busy and have fun it changes nothing for me.
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