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Post by isthisit on Jan 7, 2020 15:23:55 GMT -5
A bad day here. New year and new hopes for me. But the same old shit. She has a cold and has taken to her bed! Third day of her lying in bed asking for cold medicines or sore throat ones. Today she wants honey and lemon naturally. I can cope with the bad illnesses but these silly dranatic ones build my resentment. I want to walk out, not walk to the chemists. Three days in bed for a head cold? Grow up woman, take some dayquil and get to work. Your resentment is understandable. Agreed. I am at the end of a 15 hour day, on my feet in what must be one of the most challenging and pressurised work environments any occupation has to offer. I have a sore throat and mild temp. What did I do? I took 1g of paracetamol and got on with it. You are enabling her behaviour and making a rod for your own back. For Heaven’s sake tell her to get a grip.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 7, 2020 16:51:27 GMT -5
Lessingham, I saw a meme here that brought you to mind:
“Br careful of what you tolerate. You are teaching people how to treat you.”
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Post by lessingham on Jan 7, 2020 17:56:25 GMT -5
She does spectacular colds and these days I struggle to be her carer. I get her food, meds and head off downstairs. I play computer games and enjoy my own company. But it is a drag on my life. I want to travel again, get out more, not have a wife in bed with a cold.
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Post by jamesbonding on Jan 8, 2020 21:28:26 GMT -5
... I love him He adores me My man is affectionate, hugs and kisses me and treats me with respect and kindness so I am so very lucky in so many ways. But I miss sex. Really miss it, but outsourcing seems to be such a terrible terrible betrayal. He & I have had ‘the talk’ he told me I could leave; he feels he’s ruined my life, which isn’t true. He’s given me a whole new outlook, understanding and dimension. I suppose I’m just trying to gain clarity in a complex situation ...if an outsourcing opportunity arises do I take it? Do I tell him so I can have a ‘ clear ’ conscience, but cause him unimaginable angst through my selfish behaviour in doing so. ... Yes, I have discussed my needs with him - and he said he understood exactly why I was asking/talking to him about it . But, did he? Really? As he truly does not know what it feels like to be me with the level of desire I have, and the need to be desired; or was he just saying what I wanted to hear. I think this situation is somewhat unusual compared to most ILIASM stories in that the refuser has more empathy for the refused and an understanding of the pain caused by not engaging sexually. He has empathy and understanding to the extent that he said that you could leave! I would take his words at face value and not try to second-guess them. Outsourcing, finding a FWB would be a lot less traumatic for both of you than leaving him. Your husband might not like you sharing your time and affection with another man, but he might understand that it's better to grant you that freedom, than to try to forbid it and cause you to feel resentful and suffer a loss of the affection that currently exists between you and him. You might consider reopening "the talk," explain that you haven't outsourced so far, but say that you have thought about it and ask how he feels about that. Ask if he would like to know about such things, or would he prefer "don't ask, don't tell"? Your situation is also unusual in that there is more affection, hugs, kisses, etc. than in some of our marriages. You are indeed lucky in that way - count that blessing! I get sex about once every week or two, but my wife seldom engages in hugging, cuddling, or sexual touching any more. As someone whose primary love language is physical touch, I miss that a lot.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 8, 2020 21:51:49 GMT -5
Yes, I have discussed my needs with him - and he said he understood exactly why I was asking/talking to him about it . But, did he? Really? As he truly does not know what it feels like to be me with the level of desire I have, and the need to be desired; or was he just saying what I wanted to hear. I would take his words at face value and not try to second-guess them. Outsourcing, finding a FWB would be a lot less traumatic for both of you than leaving him. Your husband might not like you sharing your time and affection with another man, but he might understand that it's better to grant you that freedom, than to try to forbid it and cause you to feel resentful and suffer a loss of the affection that currently exists between you and him. You might consider reopening "the talk," explain that you haven't outsourced so far, but say that you have thought about it and ask how he feels about that. Ask if he would like to know about such things, or would he prefer "don't ask, don't tell"? This is the approach I took with my then W. I ask her to go along with me having a FWB. I made sure she knew it was just for the sex and that I would not looking to replace her with someone else. Surprisingly she wanted to restart intimacy and that lasted for roughly 3 months and it was pretty good, 2-3 times a week. Then it was back to quarterly and refusing, delaying and sleeping in separate bedrooms. And then it was over. I would caution and suggest she carefully rehearse the talk in her mind as to how she phrases the dialogue so that hopefully he won't feel threatened at the thought of her and another male. I think a "don't ask, don't tell" would be best if he is willing to go along. Several ladies here have been successful at convincing their H to go along, perhaps cesb68 should PM those ladies for some suggestions. Maybe cesb68 will be another lucky one. Just be aware that this is a risky discussion to have with a spouse. If he didn't really understand during the previous conversation he will definitely get the message when the talk turns to actually having the FWB.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 8, 2020 22:42:51 GMT -5
Lessingham:” She does spectacular colds and these days I struggle to be her carer. I get her food, meds and head off downstairs. I play computer games and enjoy my own company. But it is a drag on my life. I want to travel again, get out more, not have a wife in bed with a cold.”
All she has is a cold. Most adults take care of themselves if they have a cold. You could choose to go out not sit around waiting for her to demand your services as a nurse.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 9, 2020 3:47:16 GMT -5
We shall see. I think I am going down with it. So I could take to my bed and demand the same level of care. Or take tbe high moral road and get on with my life as all cold sufferers do.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 9, 2020 10:40:09 GMT -5
Lessingham:” We shall see. I think I am going down with it. So I could take to my bed and demand the same level of care. Or take tbe high moral road and get on with my life as all cold sufferers do.”
Taking Ziicam or lots of zinc at the first sign of colds can prevent them. By doing that I went a couple of years cold free.
You’ve said that your wife told you that if you became chronically ill, she’d put you in a home. Thus, a waste of time to take to your bed and demand care from her. Do what’s under your control to have a happy, healthy life. This includes not being at your manipulative wife’s beck and call.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 10, 2020 4:30:31 GMT -5
My colds are short and intense. My sneezes are spectacular. But I keep moving and keep doing. To me anyway, ill health is another of those ties that binds. We are caring humans feel we have to care for a sick person. They work on that natural instinct to guilt trip and shame us.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 10, 2020 8:28:34 GMT -5
My colds are short and intense. My sneezes are spectacular. But I keep moving and keep doing. To me anyway, ill health is another of those ties that binds. We are caring humans feel we have to care for a sick person. They work on that natural instinct to guilt trip and shame us. Your wife had a cold. She wasn’t hospitalized or otherwise seriously ill. You could have helped her — made soup, put medicine, water and tissues at her bedside— and still have done things you enjoyed outside of the house. You also could have taken preventative measures to ensure you didn’t get sick. This includes taking zicam or zinc at your first symptoms. You don’t have to be a martyr nor do you need to spend your time enjoying thoughts of passive dependently trying to get back at her. It’s fine to live an enjoyable life even if your wife has a cold.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 11, 2020 18:09:48 GMT -5
Well today "womanned up" and went shoe shopping! (laughing)
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Post by Handy on Jan 11, 2020 18:43:51 GMT -5
Lessingham Well today "womanned up" and went shoe shopping! (laughing)
That is common. If it is something "SHE/HE" wants to do and enjoys, then the illness takes a back seat.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 23, 2020 17:55:51 GMT -5
Tonight my wife said she feels like she has come out of a long tunnel of ill health and feels great. She is cleaning, cooking and making plans abd lusts!!!!! I wonder when her sex life list is ready.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 23, 2020 19:36:48 GMT -5
Lessingham: “ Tonight my wife said she feels like she has come out of a long tunnel of ill health and feels great. She is cleaning, cooking and making plans abd lusts!!!!! I wonder when her sex life list is ready.”
You know she is not going to have sex with you.
Instead of waiting forever for her to change you could take advantage of her good health by realizing that if you want a divorce, this is a good time to get one. Otherwise you risk feeling trapped again by feeling obligated to care for a sick wife.
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Post by jim44444 on Jan 23, 2020 21:59:45 GMT -5
Otherwise you risk feeling trapped again by feeling obligated to care for a sick wife. If anyone feels obligated to care for a sick spouse then that in itself is a reason to divorce. Caring for your spouse should never be an obligation. It should be what you want to do without a second thought. Is it easy? Hell no. Is it fun? Hell no. Is it what is in your heart? If your answer is not Hell Yes then you need to go seperate ways for both your sakes.
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