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Post by ScottDinTN on Nov 6, 2019 22:27:52 GMT -5
My wife was diagnosed with glaucoma at the eye doctor this week. All I could think in my head was, you better not go blind before I leave. I know that is selfish of me but just being honest. I know staying runs the risk of their being major health concerns that make you feel like you can't leave. Then again, the longer you stay the greater the chance of collecting life insurance! lol
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Post by petrushka on Nov 7, 2019 3:11:45 GMT -5
tamara68 and Handy thank you for your thoughts. You are both right I need to take care of myself. Alzheimers isn't her only health issue, just one of many. I really am doing okay with the caregiving part, it's the sexless part which came about long before her now serious health issues, that is my ongoing problem.
My wife and I nursed my mother through Alzheimer's. I urge you to make plans. It will get worse, then it will get much worse, then it will push you to the breaking point and beyond. Impossible for a single person to deal with -- at least there were two of us to share. Somewhere between 2 and 10 years from no you will NOT be able do do the caregiving part any more.
Mother went from obsessively-stubborn-stupid to permanently confused to unresponsive to verbal input to crawling around on the floor making kicked-puppy noises to becoming incontinent, and fighting us physically when we tried to clean her. She got still her licks in with one of us holding, the other washing her. Shrieking like a banshee allthewhile.
Do you want to really see your wife in that condition, actually? The next stage for my mom was 'empty shell', sitting in a lazyboy chair in the care facility. We dealt with it as long as we could, but it got too hard.
You need to decide at which point it will become better for you, both of you, that she should go into care with 24/7 alert, trained, careers.
Just saying'
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Post by baza on Nov 7, 2019 3:18:35 GMT -5
My wife was diagnosed with glaucoma at the eye doctor this week. All I could think in my head was, you better not go blind before I leave. I know that is selfish of me but just being honest. I know staying runs the risk of their being major health concerns that make you feel like you can't leave. Then again, the longer you stay the greater the chance of collecting life insurance! lol That's true. Boot can be on the other foot too - it could be you who has an unexpected health issue which might preclude you from getting out (if that's the way you are heading). One thing for sure, the clock is running. For everyone.
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Post by lessingham on Nov 7, 2019 4:15:11 GMT -5
A more selfish question is, who takes care of you. My wife has had a year of sickness and after the "curing" operation has had a bad rib, fatigue and now a bladder infection. Low grade illness leaving her indolent and doing nothing. I have to do all chores. (ok, please do not jump ob the "have to") but I have my arthritis and recently brained myself by accidently hitting a door frame. I have to sort myself out as she does nothing. When I hurt like buggery and she takes to her bed I really want some help and comfort.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2019 14:02:08 GMT -5
Who takes care of you is an important, not a selfish question. Self care is essential for everyone,
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Post by theexplorer on Dec 6, 2019 13:08:42 GMT -5
That phrase, "In sickness and in health" in my wedding vows seemed insignificant on the day of my wedding. At the time, I thought that would apply to other couples. In youthfully optimistic ignorance, I never considered that either of us would have long term chronic health problems. I did not really think about what, "in sickness or in health," could mean for me and my life!
Of course, I never imagined that she would withdraw sex from the marriage either! I was naïve, on MANY subjects!
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Post by saarinista on Dec 7, 2019 13:16:33 GMT -5
Just a reminder-you can take care of an ailing EX spouse or EX-in laws too.
In other words, if you want to leave an SM for greener pastures, you can do so, and still honor any feelings you have that you need to non- sexually care for former family members.
My husband and I are childless only children. If ever we divorced, I would anticipate that he and I would still look out for one another in a filial way.
That might sound weird, but to me, it's just emblematic of the many different types of marriages that exist. I will never hate him. He's a good guy, and just because we're not sexually compatible doesn't mean I don't love him.
Someone needs to be my power of attorney. And vice versa.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Dec 11, 2019 11:09:58 GMT -5
You never know things come back when the situation is different. I speak from experience on my bf behalf. But that being said doesn't mean you can't find a woman who is affectionate and loving to enjoy life that is also past her sex prime and is ok with whatever you can do. Intimacy doesn't have to be intercourse. And just holding hands and snuggling without the baggage can soothe your soul and form a connection.
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Post by saarinista on Dec 11, 2019 13:57:12 GMT -5
You never know things come back when the situation is different. I speak from experience on my bf behalf. But that being said doesn't mean you can't find a woman who is affectionate and loving to enjoy life that is also past her sex prime and is ok with whatever you can do. Intimacy doesn't have to be intercourse. And just holding hands and snuggling without the baggage can soothe your soul and form a connection. Snuggling is fine, but at 59, which I suppose, according to popular culture, IS past my "sexual prime, " I don't want to just snuggle. I want to have sex! I've had years of chaste snuggling and passionless kisses/hugs with my husband. I'm grateful for that, but it's not fulfilling sexually. In retrospect, I've been sexually dead for decades because I'm not sexually compatible with my husband, even though he's great guy. Apparently he's not feeling it for me, either. My feelings aren't hurt. That's nothing again him or me. Sexually attraction is sometimes ephemeral. For years I rationalized to myself that I was feeling unsexy because I was old. But then I met someone with whom there is bilateral sexual attraction, and voila! I'm horny again, I feel sexy again, and I certainly want to do more than snuggle. Is my body different than it used to be? Sure, somewhat. But I'm still perfectly capable of having great sex if I'm attracted to someone and if they are attracted to me. Mutual attraction is the aphrodisiac.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Dec 11, 2019 15:08:49 GMT -5
You never know things come back when the situation is different. I speak from experience on my bf behalf. But that being said doesn't mean you can't find a woman who is affectionate and loving to enjoy life that is also past her sex prime and is ok with whatever you can do. Intimacy doesn't have to be intercourse. And just holding hands and snuggling without the baggage can soothe your soul and form a connection. Snuggling is fine, but at 59, which I suppose, according to popular culture, IS past my "sexual prime, " I don't want to just snuggle. I want to have sex! I've had years of chaste snuggling and passionless kisses/hugs with my husband. I'm grateful for that, but it's not fulfilling sexually. In retrospect, I've been sexually dead for decades because I'm not sexually compatible with my husband, even though he's great guy. Apparently he's not feeling it for me, either. My feelings aren't hurt. That's nothing again him or me. Sexually attraction is sometimes ephemeral. For years I rationalized to myself that I was feeling unsexy because I was old. But then I met someone with whom there is bilateral sexual attraction, and voila! I'm horny again, I feel sexy again, and I certainly want to do more than snuggle. Is my body different than it used to be? Sure, somewhat. But I'm still perfectly capable of having great sex if I'm attracted to someone and if they are attracted to me. Mutual attraction is the aphrodisiac. I agree I'm 54 and still have a strong sex drive may not be as flexible as I used to be but still having plenty of exciting satisfying sex. People seem to think that their sex drive or ability is gone but in a different situation things come back. Old or not. And what doesn't can me worked around
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Post by Handy on Dec 11, 2019 19:00:45 GMT -5
I understand a certain amount of "chemistry" makes a relationship better. I don't think any age is too old for sex as long as the parties involved are not too physically decrepit to do at least somethings.
Fifty four and 59 to me is a bit like way younger than me. I might feel like I was robbing from the cradle if I was in that type of relationship.
Some people in my yoga class are older and get down on the floor like the +50 year old's. That is good in my opinion, especially considering all of the artificial hips, knees and pace makers that people have. One guy even died (pre pace maker) for a short time and I hope his sex life is still good.
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Post by ljb0205 on Dec 15, 2019 8:16:57 GMT -5
Thanks so much for all the thoughts and support ; I’m having trouble replying to each of you on my mobile device - apologies . Yes, I have discussed my needs with him - and he said he understood exactly why I was asking/talking to him about it . But , did he ? Really ? As he truly does not know what it feels like to be me with the level of desire I have, and the need to be desired ; or was he just saying what I wanted to hear. It’s so hard as I am his main (only) caregiver ; our children (3 between us) are older and live away from us , our finances do not allow us to buy in care, but we have an incredible circle of friends that support us wonderfully. . Even considering my actions regarding OS fulls me with guilt (hence I haven’t done anything in the last 10 years) . We are incompatible sexually thats the crux of it . That will never change . His health will only get worse and sadly mine may too as I look after him ; there is no guarantee that his terminal illness will take him , before something ‘out the blue ‘ could take me . So I seesaw mentally between justification of my OS actions because my own life deserves my needs to be met and guilt that I could even consider putting myself first when my lovely hubby (and in my marriage I love and respect my husband immensely- there is no outward unkind or cruel behaviour) is facing such an unimaginable tough time . And also , who says that the OS experience is going to be a good one !! Blimey, it could be as disaster !! Anyhow, as always it’s so great to be supported on here and thanks for the time taken to reply . I sincerely appreciate all your opinions , If an opportunity arises it could be a Shakespeare moment ; To be or not to be ...to tell him or not ... and I suppose I’ll just have to deal with it as and when. And , I’ll try to work out how to work the reply option on here properly too! Thank you all again
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Post by lessingham on Jan 7, 2020 4:12:46 GMT -5
A bad day here. New year and new hopes for me. But the same old shit. She has a cold and has taken to her bed! Third day of her lying in bed asking for cold medicines or sore throat ones. Today she wants honey and lemon naturally. I can cope with the bad illnesses but these silly dranatic ones build my resentment. I want to walk out, not walk to the chemists.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2020 11:00:44 GMT -5
A bad day here. New year and new hopes for me. But the same old shit. She has a cold and has taken to her bed! Third day of her lying in bed asking for cold medicines or sore throat ones. Today she wants honey and lemon naturally. I can cope with the bad illnesses but these silly dranatic ones build my resentment. I want to walk out, not walk to the chemists. Three days in bed for a head cold? Grow up woman, take some dayquil and get to work. Your resentment is understandable.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 7, 2020 12:34:26 GMT -5
Lessingham, she’ll keep playing the sick card as long as you continue catering to her. Go out and do something fun. You have choices. She only has a cold. That’s no big deal.
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