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Post by DryCreek on Oct 10, 2019 0:30:51 GMT -5
It’s a balance. I think it’s healthy to encourage your daughter to recognize and defend limits - to know when to speak up for herself if she’s of an appropriate age to judge it. Too far would be if you used the opportunity to make her mother look bad and create division.
It sounds like you tried to temper your bias and you took the opportunity for a first-hand life lesson, which are always the most potent.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 10, 2019 18:28:06 GMT -5
I don't really see that as passive/agressive parenting. You are clearly telling her to fight back which is very direct and not passive. The word fight did kind of jump out at me as being pretty strong. Now, if your daughter is very meek, maybe she needed that kind of encouragement to stand up for herself. I don't know the situation. I'm sure you're wife wouldn't have liked it if she heard you say that. Doesn't mean it didn't need to be said.
I see passive/agressive like: "The grass sure is getting tall. I wish we had someone to mow it." Not being said directly to you but obviously meant for you. Or, "I seem like I'm the only one that ever cooks around here"; said while you were within ear shot. That kinda thing.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 13, 2019 15:31:01 GMT -5
How old is your daughter? Kids are not immune to tension between parents but you want to be careful being the "good guy" to your wife being mean. It cements the divide in your daughter's mind.
That said, I have often done similar things. My h really does not "see" my son and when he is dismissing him or acting scared of my son (which is a BIG trigger for my son) I will pull my son aside and take the opportunity to connect, even if that means saying things like "I know how hard it is when your father acts like that." I get stuck trying to explain each of them to each other, which just means that their only relationship is through me translating.
My h has accused my son of "triangulating" us and me of choosing my son over him. This is a big gaslighting trope of his. It is really difficult to deal with.
Just some thoughts
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Post by baza on Oct 14, 2019 0:41:34 GMT -5
Sticking your oar in to "referee" in a kid/other parent dynamic is a minefield. Looks like you picked your way through the minefield pretty well Brother itme . |
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Post by obobfla on Oct 14, 2019 20:28:40 GMT -5
Normally, I would frown upon what you did. My parents always impressed me with how they put up a united front against us kids. They never disagreed in front of us. If they had a difference of opinion about children’s matters, they resolved it in a private conversation. They raised eight children in their 58 years of marriage, eventually passing away three months apart.
I tried to follow their example. But one time, my wife was being unreasonable with my son, and I had to take his side. Throw in the fact that my son is autistic and my wife was mentally ill, and I had to do some major diplomacy. I backed up my son, but I did it in front of my wife. My son had to know I had his back.
I will say this - I have come to admire divorced parents who work together for the sake of their children. My son’s best friend has divorced parents, and they normally sit together to watch their son play basketball. When he took a girl to the homecoming dance, his date’s divorced parents were there to take pictures of their little girl going to her first big dance. Her mom and dad posed together while her stepmother took pictures of the three of them. Considering I am widowed and my son’s mother wasn’t there, those examples mean a lot to my son and me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 30, 2019 20:00:04 GMT -5
I will pull my son aside and take the opportunity to connect, even if that means saying things like "I know how hard it is when your father acts like that." I get stuck trying to explain each of them to each other, which just means that their only relationship is through me translating. I think you are doing the correct thing. To this very day, I remember the times in my youth (ages 12-18) when my mother was going through her bi-polar/manic episodes, and my father would have "talks" with me out in the garage. He would say, "son, you are not to blame, I understand your confusion. Your mother should not have acted like that. I can't explain it. We are just going to have to deal with it". Well, it DID teach me to be somewhat passive and codependent. Almost TOO forgiving. Then again, to this very day, I RESPECT the way my dad did a good job in handling such tough situations. Give yourself a 'pat on the back' for taking action and not putting your head in the sand. |
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 7, 2019 15:04:42 GMT -5
I think it's a tough call. I think it's important that kids feel validated even if it means counteracting the other parent.
My partner is not an angry guy but one time he absolutely flipped over a restaurant order that was wrong and sent back, still wrong and sent back and then still wrong. He's a fussy eater, so he's always super clear about these things - there are a few things he cannot eat. And not one of us can eat mayo at all and this was a mayo related incident. He was so angry he had to walk outside to calm down.
My stepkids were like - ok, parents flip. Dad doesn't flip, but they're used to mom flipping all the time. She has rage issues. She's BPD. But they were a little surprised. My son was SHOCKED. He's never seen my partner act like that. I basically didn't excuse, I stayed calm and said "Ok he's had a flip out, but he'll be back soon and it will be ok. Obviously it's not cool to act like this. But he knows that." He came back a few minutes later and apologised.
It's harder as a SM when I hear things about their mom that are far worse than what my partner did. I say nothing. But I feel really complicit in her abuse. I want to say "Y'all know that's not ok." I mean I seemingly tolerate behaviour from her that I wouldn't be ok with in my ex or current partner. I mean, when my ex was being rude to (mainly ignoring) my stepson who'd greeted him very politely I did say something to them about how it's definitely not about them or even the situation and it's also not ok. He's just a rude bugger - he treats a lot of people the same way (I think he's on the autism spectrum and is gruff in social interactions). Since my stepson has become interested in my partner's special interest, my ex has been quite generous to my ss. But he's really only able to relate to people well through his special interests.
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Post by tiredoftears on Jul 16, 2020 22:52:12 GMT -5
Well, since my recent post "Last Night" I have been very upset. I have been crying every day, usually when my partner isn't home, but today I was crying after they got home too. Kiddo had been asking why I've been crying. I am trying to teach them healthy ways to deal with emotions, so I cannot just tell them it's none of their business and the types of things my mother would have told me. I also will not lie to my child. So... I told them it is because I need an adult friend, but I can't make an adult friend because of the virus, since I can't go meeting people who might have the virus and get everyone in my family sick.
They said I have "Daddymomma"(what they call their father) for an adult friend. I said "No, I need another adult friend."
Tonight my child told their father I have been crying because I need an adult friend.
And I sat in the recliner in my child's bedroom and cried and answered their questions.
I sleep in this recliner, and on my kiddos floor. It is not uncomfortable! I like sleeping here. I feel loved in this room. I know I am wanted in here.
Anyway, yeah... So crying sucks. So is not being able to get a booty call because I'm worried about this virus, and now, I am worried because someone at my partner's place of work tested positive for covid-19, so.... Now it's just kinda like.... Welp....?
He's mad because he's been saying people need to stop eating in the lunchroom all together like that.(he eats in his car or at his toolbox) He doesn't come into contact with that particular employee, but that employee DOES hang out with the guys that work in the stalls next to Ernest. So.... I guess it's a waiting game. No point in getting tested right now. If you get tested too early, it comes up with a false negative. So🤷
I'm just getting.... Close to a breaking point. I can feel it. A nervous breakdown is on the way... If I don't get "an adult friend" in me soon. Any body part will do.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 16, 2020 23:31:12 GMT -5
tiredoftears when I'm at my breaking point I talk to my therapist. Do you have anyone like that you can talk to? I know you've been under a lot of pressure. 😔 Sometimes I need an impartial trained person to give me some advice.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 17, 2020 20:29:05 GMT -5
tiredoftears I sent you a message with a link to NAMI and some other ideas. Pandemic or no, we all deserve support!
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 21, 2020 6:04:29 GMT -5
I told them it is because I need an adult friend, but I can't make an adult friend because of the virus, since I can't go meeting people who might have the virus and get everyone in my family sick. ... I guess it's a waiting game. No point in getting tested right now. If you get tested too early, it comes up with a false negative. ... Any chance you can locate a guy on a dating app who has positive COVID results, wait two weeks then invite him over? (make it mandatory in your profile?) What a weird world where the sexiest pic a man can send you is him intubated on an ICU sick bed. |
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Post by alwaysdenied on Aug 5, 2020 14:42:03 GMT -5
Padgemi, I don't think you were wrong in the least. I fully admit to being the sane adult in our parenting experience. My boys are in High School and every since they started being able to think for themselves (starting around 7th grade) they noticed my wife's inconsistency. I can't tell you how many times I had to explain or walk back my kids after my wife completely exploded the situation. At first it was always supporting her and trying to somehow make it into a misunderstanding. However the older they got, the more they would confide in me and tell me the hateful things she would hurl at them in her fits of rage. Now we just have an understanding. They will tolerate her and try to follow and respect her as long as she's being reasonable and not in a blind rage. They now will give me a call to talk to me if they feel like they have been unfairly maligned.
Funny thing now is that even my wife has come to understand that she's very likely to cause destruction with her rage also. So now she will even give me a call and ask if she's being out of line because she knows how bad she can get taking out her frustration on everyone around. I don't consider myself the good guy. I just like to think I'm much fairer and consistent with discipline and feelings between us. On a brighter note, my sons see this and realize these types of traits to avoid in the girls they are dating. I'm there for them. Not to make excuses for them or to be their best friends. I'm there to try and make sure they are well adjusted and firmly understand life and to teach them to avoid the mistakes I made in my life. If I can do that, then I'll consider myself a success. I don't want them to hate their mother. I just want them to understand that they aren't the reason she's like that and to not take it personally which would make them hate her.
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