So we’re down here in the happiest place on earth (That’s what SHE said): Walt Disney World. W has been railing on my daughter all day, basically for being loud, rambunctious and too excited. At times, W’s remarks seemed almost neo-presidential. I did defend my daughter a little bit, but not as much as much as I should.
As we were walking back to the hotel, I pulled my daughter aside. I asked “Were you having a good time before Mom started griping, baby girl?”
“Let me tell you something. Mom wants you to sacrifice your happiness to make her happy sometimes. Well I’ve been making sacrifices to make Mom happy since before you were born. And what I’ve learned is if you sacrifice everything, then there’s nothing left to make YOU happy. So it’s OK if you fight back — probably better that way, sometimes.”
It’s a balance. I think it’s healthy to encourage your daughter to recognize and defend limits - to know when to speak up for herself if she’s of an appropriate age to judge it. Too far would be if you used the opportunity to make her mother look bad and create division.
It sounds like you tried to temper your bias and you took the opportunity for a first-hand life lesson, which are always the most potent.
Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 10, 2019 18:28:06 GMT -5
I don't really see that as passive/agressive parenting. You are clearly telling her to fight back which is very direct and not passive. The word fight did kind of jump out at me as being pretty strong. Now, if your daughter is very meek, maybe she needed that kind of encouragement to stand up for herself. I don't know the situation. I'm sure you're wife wouldn't have liked it if she heard you say that. Doesn't mean it didn't need to be said.
I see passive/agressive like: "The grass sure is getting tall. I wish we had someone to mow it." Not being said directly to you but obviously meant for you. Or, "I seem like I'm the only one that ever cooks around here"; said while you were within ear shot. That kinda thing.
Post by workingonit on Oct 13, 2019 15:31:01 GMT -5
How old is your daughter? Kids are not immune to tension between parents but you want to be careful being the "good guy" to your wife being mean. It cements the divide in your daughter's mind.
That said, I have often done similar things. My h really does not "see" my son and when he is dismissing him or acting scared of my son (which is a BIG trigger for my son) I will pull my son aside and take the opportunity to connect, even if that means saying things like "I know how hard it is when your father acts like that." I get stuck trying to explain each of them to each other, which just means that their only relationship is through me translating.
My h has accused my son of "triangulating" us and me of choosing my son over him. This is a big gaslighting trope of his. It is really difficult to deal with.
Normally, I would frown upon what you did. My parents always impressed me with how they put up a united front against us kids. They never disagreed in front of us. If they had a difference of opinion about children’s matters, they resolved it in a private conversation. They raised eight children in their 58 years of marriage, eventually passing away three months apart.
I tried to follow their example. But one time, my wife was being unreasonable with my son, and I had to take his side. Throw in the fact that my son is autistic and my wife was mentally ill, and I had to do some major diplomacy. I backed up my son, but I did it in front of my wife. My son had to know I had his back.
I will say this - I have come to admire divorced parents who work together for the sake of their children. My son’s best friend has divorced parents, and they normally sit together to watch their son play basketball. When he took a girl to the homecoming dance, his date’s divorced parents were there to take pictures of their little girl going to her first big dance. Her mom and dad posed together while her stepmother took pictures of the three of them. Considering I am widowed and my son’s mother wasn’t there, those examples mean a lot to my son and me.
I will pull my son aside and take the opportunity to connect, even if that means saying things like "I know how hard it is when your father acts like that." I get stuck trying to explain each of them to each other, which just means that their only relationship is through me translating.
I think you are doing the correct thing.
To this very day, I remember the times in my youth (ages 12-18) when my mother was going through her bi-polar/manic episodes, and my father would have "talks" with me out in the garage.
He would say, "son, you are not to blame, I understand your confusion. Your mother should not have acted like that. I can't explain it. We are just going to have to deal with it".
Well, it DID teach me to be somewhat passive and codependent. Almost TOO forgiving. Then again, to this very day, I RESPECT the way my dad did a good job in handling such tough situations.
Give yourself a 'pat on the back' for taking action and not putting your head in the sand.
I think it's a tough call. I think it's important that kids feel validated even if it means counteracting the other parent.
My partner is not an angry guy but one time he absolutely flipped over a restaurant order that was wrong and sent back, still wrong and sent back and then still wrong. He's a fussy eater, so he's always super clear about these things - there are a few things he cannot eat. And not one of us can eat mayo at all and this was a mayo related incident. He was so angry he had to walk outside to calm down.
My stepkids were like - ok, parents flip. Dad doesn't flip, but they're used to mom flipping all the time. She has rage issues. She's BPD. But they were a little surprised. My son was SHOCKED. He's never seen my partner act like that. I basically didn't excuse, I stayed calm and said "Ok he's had a flip out, but he'll be back soon and it will be ok. Obviously it's not cool to act like this. But he knows that." He came back a few minutes later and apologised.
It's harder as a SM when I hear things about their mom that are far worse than what my partner did. I say nothing. But I feel really complicit in her abuse. I want to say "Y'all know that's not ok." I mean I seemingly tolerate behaviour from her that I wouldn't be ok with in my ex or current partner. I mean, when my ex was being rude to (mainly ignoring) my stepson who'd greeted him very politely I did say something to them about how it's definitely not about them or even the situation and it's also not ok. He's just a rude bugger - he treats a lot of people the same way (I think he's on the autism spectrum and is gruff in social interactions). Since my stepson has become interested in my partner's special interest, my ex has been quite generous to my ss. But he's really only able to relate to people well through his special interests.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
worksforme2: Since our esteemed governor has declared a state of emergency here in NC (a total of 12 cases so far) the hording of toilet paper has begun. Is diarrhea a part of covid 19? I see Lowes and Home Depot have quick install toilet retro fit bidets.
Mar 13, 2020 10:34:57 GMT -5
petrushka: I've no idea what it is with the toilet paper hoarding. I walked out of a supermarket yesterday and saw a woman with the jumbo sized trolley and some 4x 18 roll packs of toilet paper. Nuts. Completely nuts. Incidentally, a bidet is definitely the way to go
Mar 14, 2020 6:18:43 GMT -5
petrushka: Even her little 5 or 6 year old was questioning her purchase!
Mar 14, 2020 6:25:44 GMT -5
petrushka: One of my favourite quotes for the last 30 years: "don't ever look a sheep in the eyes, the intellectual vacuum may suck your brains out". Well, let's all drink to the sheeple! (besides, alcohol is a good disinfectant).
Mar 14, 2020 6:31:26 GMT -5
frednsa: so...............i'd like to tell her when she "attempts to placate me": have you ever been invited to a party where you knew for certain that you WEREN'T wanted ?
Mar 19, 2020 15:57:05 GMT -5
worksforme2: Former Miss Hawaii tests positive. Being the gallant lad that I am I have offered her the use of my guest bedroom to "shelter in place"..
Mar 23, 2020 20:34:21 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey tamara68, there is a covid19 positive cat in Belgium, watch out for it.
Mar 30, 2020 14:05:56 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme I think I have to be more careful for all infected people. Most likely I already have Covid19
Apr 1, 2020 3:29:42 GMT -5
worksforme2: tamara68.....it's been a couple weeks since you posted you may have the covid19 virus. hopefully you are feeling better and are on your way to renewed health
Apr 11, 2020 5:31:38 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme thanks, yes I am feeling better. How is it in the USA?
Apr 14, 2020 1:57:26 GMT -5
worksforme2: some better and some worse,..virus seems to be slowing down, but people are beginning to refuse to stay inside,...worst thing I see is Biden leading in the election poles,...but that could be fake news
Apr 20, 2020 16:56:22 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Politics? Is that what we want to happen here?
Apr 21, 2020 6:21:24 GMT -5
petrushka: Certainly not American style politics. Toxic echo chambers.
Apr 23, 2020 16:21:52 GMT -5
petrushka: However, I feel that sexual politics, including political moves that impact the relationships between gender (misogynist, misandrist, etc) definitely deserve room in this context.
Apr 23, 2020 16:22:59 GMT -5
fred: just calculated that i've spent somewhere near 19,000 days (& nights) as a "rejectee".AND that allows for 2,000+ days (& nights) on business travel apart from her. i've chosen to "stay" .....would never do that again, and can't as you see doing the math
May 15, 2020 18:01:15 GMT -5
worksforme2: 19000 days and nights,....damn dude, that's 52 yrs.
Jun 17, 2020 9:19:10 GMT -5
fred: you're a little short works - was thinking this AM, there has NEVER been a day when she indicated desire for me physically (other than for heavy lifting or finance)........LOL...........earlier, i had enough libido for both of us, now i'm left with guilt
Jun 20, 2020 13:11:12 GMT -5
fred: over imposing myself on her rather than simply leaving .....DAMN LOVE ANYWAY !
Jun 20, 2020 13:12:12 GMT -5
mesulina: update everyone, still has not happened. I have now come to accept that I will live with out. It is just different now.
Jun 29, 2020 19:32:31 GMT -5
worksforme2: Sorry mesulina,... but on the positive side you did stock up on toys a short time back,..now might be the time to go for the gusto
Jun 30, 2020 17:42:54 GMT -5