|
Post by michael on Nov 13, 2019 16:34:24 GMT -5
You know, my only motivation here was just to help Michael feel better about himself by sharing my own experience with dating (or lack thereof in my case) after a SM. So for just wanting to help another person, I get “what negative traits I have that would hinder my lack of dating, with suggestions that it may be my weight, or mental state.” They say no good deed goes unpunished. I didn’t ask for a solution, or help, because I never stated a problem. I’ve accepted my lot, and I’ve worked very hard for the past 4.5 years to get where I am today. It is counter productive to wellbeing to start blaming someone who went through hell, and worked very hard to get themselves together, then just make negative statements about them. Not good at all, and not beneficial. Thanks Caris. You did help. Everyone here does. Just knowing I’m not alone helps me so much. I don’t know what happened. I used to think I was the luckiest guy in the world. Then one day I realized that things had changed some time ago. There was no particular instance or moment in time. She just doesn’t care about the relationship anymore.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 13, 2019 18:01:51 GMT -5
Caris It was not my intention to suggest anything negative about you. I was more wondering about why a caring person like yourself would feel like there were not many potential men that would be interested in you. I see some posts from good people that seem partially defeated mentally. I am in that camp, thinking I am the odd ball compared to some other people my age. Like you I am very conservative in several areas but I am open to hear about what others think. You gave a list of things that you need or don't want in a potential relationship. That what was what I was looking for. I do not see anything wrong with your descriptions. The negative traits was not directed at you but several other people on ILIASM have said they didn't think they would be successful finding that special someone. It is something that comes up every so often. I also just read a bunch of posts on another website where people listed their own peculiarities and potential issues when it came to long term relationships. I thought it might help to discuss some of these doubts so people could get a different opinion on their feelings or beliefs. Northstarmom sort of addressed some of the reservations some people have about them self and gave examples of how to move ahead and put some of the doubts in the past. That is sort of where I was coming from. Like you I wish people would be realistic about feeling better about themselves. It is my belief that lots of good people have some traits that wouldn't match up with another good person. That is just life. BTW, I filled out a relationship compatibility questionnaire and the result was 5% of similar age females would like my lifestyle and another 10% would be OK with it but would prefer some other lifestyle or man. I am guessing that low percentage is common from reading several websites where people discuss dating and why they liked or are not impressed with people they dated. BTW, I never dated much and even that was 50 years ago so what I know about dating and long term successful relationships and how to pick a partner is very, very limited, but I do read a lot and take people's comments into consideration. Again, it was never my intention to say there was anything wrong with you. I just wanted your opinions on why dating was not all that positive of an experience. My imagined down sides are slightly over weight, old and conservative, but I am tall and have hair. I have no idea how that would work out for some potential partner.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 13, 2019 18:16:48 GMT -5
shamwow But there is another kind of barrel. In my case, my SM pushed me over the edge of alcoholism and I was seriously considering suicide (in a way that would look accidental enough for my life insurance to pay off) I wanted to address the above. I never was in a relationship where I was that bad. Maybe living next to a "crazy lady" that would go out on her porch and scream at the neighbors got me de-sensitized to other peoples comments just a little bit. I gradually adopted an attitude of "screw you" (the other person's opinion) if it got bad enough. It was much easier to just walk away than try to convince another person to my way of thinking or acting. I also had some exposure to suicide intervention training when I was in college. As far as being an alcoholic, I always thought booze cost too much money and never really like it that much. One beer I can drink, maybe once or twice a year. The second beer starts tasting gross. OTH fountain Cherry Coke well I can down 2 or 3 but mot from those machines that have 100 flavors.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 13, 2019 21:29:22 GMT -5
Said handy; “My imagined down sides are slightly over weight, old and conservative, but I am tall and have hair. I have no idea how that would work out for some potential partner.” “ Nearly 40 percent of Americans age 51 and older are overweight. Like obesity, overweight is consdered a risk factor for many chronic diseases. Older men and women have nearly identical obesity rates – 23 and 24 percent.” hpi.georgetown.edu/obesity2/ I’m 68, a pound over what’s preferable for my height. Most people I know who are my age or over are overweight or look underweight due to illness. What I’ve noticed is the folks my age and older who are dating are fun, involved in some kind of activities out of their homes — volunteering, travel, camping, arts, working out, etc. They are easy to be with and don’t complain a lot. Hair and height can be pluses but even better is being fun, active, and single.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 13, 2019 23:30:47 GMT -5
northstarmom Hair and height can be pluses but even better is being fun, active, and single. I should work on being fun and single. To everyone, the above post and others by Northstarmom are what some of us need to keep in mind and not the idea some of us will be alone forever for what ever reasons we think might be interfering with being with someone that adds to out life. Thank you for your encouragement and ideas Northstarmom.
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 24, 2019 17:03:20 GMT -5
northstarmom Hair and height can be pluses but even better is being fun, active, and single. I should work on being fun and single. To everyone, the above post and others by Northstarmom are what some of us need to keep in mind and not the idea some of us will be alone forever for what ever reasons we think might be interfering with being with someone that adds to out life. Thank you for your encouragement and ideas Northstarmom. The only thing you should work on is being true to yourself, and your own nature. You can be a fun person naturally, in the right environment, and with the right people, but for heavens sake, don’t try and make yourself a fun person because it won’t be authentic. Most people in SM don’t feel very fun loving. It depends on your own personality and life experiences, and the situation you are presently in. I went years without laughing, except rare occasions. I also went years without crying. It was like I was dead inside. However, when I traveled to Europe to meet a relative, and despite being jet lagged and horribly sleep deprived, I laughed out loud so much, I had to stop and hold my stomach. I was bent over laughing. We had so much fun, and such a good rapport together, that the pair of us couldn’t stop laughing (at numerous things) for the first two hours of our meeting. I hadn’t laughed like that in many years, and it felt wonderful. I wish I had that in my daily life, well only when I watch really funny comedy shows. The point is, I know I’m a fun person, with a good sense of humor, but I need the right people, (and the environment helps too), to elicit that fun side of me. It’s not about trying to be a fun person. I won’t laugh to order, and if I don’t find something funny, I don’t laugh. Just be you. Just because others may be single, fun loving, and active (whatever that means in its entirety), doesn’t mean you have to imitate someone else. That may just be their natural personality, or maybe they are fortunate enough to be in an environment, and with people that brings their fun side out. You know what is fun for you, and that’s all that matters. I have fun doing my workouts, but I’m on my own, and not laughing. Fun comes in many ways. Just be authentic.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 24, 2019 19:17:27 GMT -5
Caris Just be authentic.
That is usually good advice and I try to be authentic in most cases.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 24, 2019 20:50:17 GMT -5
Caris: “ The point is, I know I’m a fun person, with a good sense of humor, but I need the right people, (and the environment helps too), to elicit that fun side of me. It’s not about trying to be a fun person. I won’t laugh to order, and if I don’t find something funny, I don’t laugh. ”
Yes, that was my point. I wasn’t suggesting that anyone fake it. Do things and be around people that you feel happy around. If one is in a SM this may mean spending more time away from your refuser. It also may mean individual therapy and/or antidepressants if you are struggling with depression. Figuring out what to do can also mean spending time discovering and focusing on yourself, not your refuser.
|
|