|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Oct 25, 2019 8:13:58 GMT -5
h, your W knows you want out of the marriage, right? She may well want the same thing. But for financial reasons neither of you can leave right now. Have you given any though to talking with her about opening up the marriage. She may or may not want other partners but you clearly do. It's a long shot but if you can put together the right sells package maybe she would be willing to go along with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy to meet your intimacy needs.
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 25, 2019 9:27:01 GMT -5
h, your W knows you want out of the marriage, right? She may well want the same thing. But for financial reasons neither of you can leave right now. Have you given any though to talking with her about opening up the marriage. She may or may not want other partners but you clearly do. It's a long shot but if you can put together the right sells package maybe she would be willing to go along with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy to meet your intimacy needs. This would be an absolute no go for her. She has serious issues with infidelity in her family so this whole line of thinking is dead in the water. She knows that I have thought about divorce in the past because it has come up in some of our most heated arguments. She threatens to leave but just wants a response from me begging her to stay. I called her bluff a couple years ago and said, "ok, if that's what you want" and she hasn't threatened it since. She doesn't know how much I really want out because if I tip my hand on that before I'm prepared, she would nuke the deal and not bother to think about the long term consequences. She thinks with her feelings and makes poor decisions frequently. I already told her once that I was open to divorce. If she didn't believe me, that's on her. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Oct 25, 2019 16:14:27 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother h - "I already told her once that I was open to divorce. If she didn't believe me, that's on her" Actually, I think your missus has correctly read the situation, and does not regard the possibility that you might leave as being terribly likely. And, there's plenty of evidence for her to think that way. - You haven't seen a lawyer to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. - You haven't got an exit strategy in do-able shape. - You haven't got a support network to fall back on. In short, you haven't got a viable alternative to staying, at this time .... and your missus knows it. |
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Oct 25, 2019 17:10:36 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother h - "I already told her once that I was open to divorce. If she didn't believe me, that's on her" Actually, I think your missus has correctly read the situation, and does not regard the possibility that you might leave as being terribly likely. And, there's plenty of evidence for her to think that way. - You haven't seen a lawyer to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. - You haven't got an exit strategy in do-able shape. - You haven't got a support network to fall back on. In short, you haven't got a viable alternative to staying, at this time .... and your missus knows it. I'm afraid I am in the boat with baza. Looks to me like she has you by the short hairs my friend. |
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Oct 26, 2019 2:36:59 GMT -5
h I hate to hear you taking this path that may harm your overall health! Also, watch it with the "natural" supplements. A chemical is a chemical, they are not regulated and you don't have assurance by FDA regulation of what you're putting in your body, which probably won't work anyway. Antidepressants are for most people not a serious aphrodisiac or libido killer from personal knowledge. If you want to go that route, please go to a boarded psychiatrist not just a family practice person. I wish you'd talk to a lawyer. Personally, I'd rather take a financial hit young than at my age, 59. You'll have more time to rebuild.
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 30, 2019 9:31:52 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother h - "I already told her once that I was open to divorce. If she didn't believe me, that's on her" Actually, I think your missus has correctly read the situation, and does not regard the possibility that you might leave as being terribly likely. And, there's plenty of evidence for her to think that way. - You haven't seen a lawyer to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. - You haven't got an exit strategy in do-able shape. - You haven't got a support network to fall back on. In short, you haven't got a viable alternative to staying, at this time .... and your missus knows it. I'm afraid I am in the boat with baza. Looks to me like she has you by the short hairs my friend. You're right. She's in control of most of this. I have absolutely no way out of this for the foreseeable future. I don't even have a vehicle of my own to go see a lawyer if I wanted to right now. Mine broke down so we're carpooling to work together (different towns but in the same direction). I have no time alone where I could get away from her to do so anyway without arousing her suspicion. I can't tip my hand until I'm prepared to go through with it and I won't be prepared until I can afford it so there's really no point in me seeing a lawyer yet. All I can do is wait and work on straightening out the finances that she can't follow behind me and screw up. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Oct 30, 2019 18:35:48 GMT -5
I'm afraid I am in the boat with baza. Looks to me like she has you by the short hairs my friend. You're right. She's in control of most of this. I have absolutely no way out of this for the foreseeable future. I don't even have a vehicle of my own to go see a lawyer if I wanted to right now. Mine broke down so we're carpooling to work together (different towns but in the same direction). I have no time alone where I could get away from her to do so anyway without arousing her suspicion. I can't tip my hand until I'm prepared to go through with it and I won't be prepared until I can afford it so there's really no point in me seeing a lawyer yet. All I can do is wait and work on straightening out the finances that she can't follow behind me and screw up. I think there's a pretty basic bit of arithmetic to do here Brother h .... Under present circumstances, being married to her is costing you plenty already due to her profligate spending and lack of financial responsibility. You are heavily subsidising her. Probably, with a bit of research into your finances you could quantify exactly how much you are already subsidising her - right now. The comparative then would be how much you'd have to pony up by way of support in a divorce situation. It would seem quite possible (likely even) that the level of support you might have to pay would be LESS than what you are already subsidising her lifestyle by right now. From this post (and your past posts), it seems abundantly clear that relying on her to show a bit of financial responsibility in both her spending and debt reduction hasn't worked, is not working now, and won't work in the future. If you want to sort out your finances, she has to be taken out of that process as she has been, still is, and still will be, nothing but an impediment to that goal. She's working against you financially, not with you. An anecdote for you. (it's 2nd hand and comes from Ms enna) When her first marriage ended she was left with 2 little kids and no money and her ex used to dud her on his support responsibilities. After a couple of months of paying ALL the rent for her and 2 kids, and the utilities etc etc from her single income, she was looking at her bank account, and discovered that she actually had some money left over at the end of the month !!! Turns out that the level she had been actually subsidising her ex husbands' spending (who earned quite good money) was way in excess of what she thought. Without that financial millstone around her neck she restored her finances to good order in a matter of a couple of years. |
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Oct 30, 2019 19:29:03 GMT -5
I am going along with Baza here and am guessing Mrs H is still going to act like bucket with a big hole in it leaking out some or most of what you pay off regard to total marriage debt.
I do not know what is owed in your case but I might be willing to just give her half of the house and take on half of the debt and call an end to the legal marriage. I would even be willing to live together for a short time because you would not be responsible for her debts.
The reading experience I have witnessed tells me people hide debt and that is something I wouldn't put up with, so i would have to do the legal thing to protect my financial future.
Too many people screw up and then ask forgiveness. I have a hard boundary with some things, because it eliminates some problems.
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 31, 2019 7:43:41 GMT -5
baza and Handy I'm not disagreeing with you on your assessment of my ability to pay off my debts after a split. The spousal support is the hang up for me. I'm already past the point where it will be required. I have the formulas directly from the court system. I can't pay my half of the debts AND support her. I can't do both. In order for me to afford that, I need to pay off some of my own debts first. The debts I'm paying down now are mainly my student loans that wouldn't be part of the division of debt. I'm not bothering with the marital debts. I have done the math and it isn't good for me yet. On top of the normal support, I would have to cover her health insurance also since she depends on my employer sponsored coverage. (This information comes directly from our union legal services newsletter.) I know my numbers and right now I would lose badly. Edit: The above circumstances are void if W gets hired at a better position because her income would be higher and she would have access to her own health insurance which is standard in our line of work. This would move the entire timetable up significantly because the calculations in the formulas for support would be drastically different.
|
|
|
|
Post by RealMustangGuy on Oct 31, 2019 8:16:00 GMT -5
Forum Benefactor, please don't ruin yourself. That is not the answer. Read just a few replies up for what I said before. Follow what lessingham said instead. Get and stay fit and be ready. I know it seems hopeless to you now, but at your age it is far from hopeless. I still hold onto hope and I'm 25 or so years older than you. What I wouldn't give to be your age again. You do have plenty of time and you have plenty of options. Every day is a precious gift so make the most of every single one of them. Before you know it you'll be my age and wondering where your life went.
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 31, 2019 11:13:57 GMT -5
Forum Benefactor, please don't ruin yourself. That is not the answer. Read just a few replies up for what I said before. Follow what lessingham said instead. Get and stay fit and be ready. I know it seems hopeless to you now, but at your age it is far from hopeless. I still hold onto hope and I'm 25 or so years older than you. What I wouldn't give to be your age again. You do have plenty of time and you have plenty of options. Every day is a precious gift so make the most of every single one of them. Before you know it you'll be my age and wondering where your life went. All I'm doing is trying to temporarily lower my testosterone levels to help me keep my sanity until I have a reasonable timetable for leaving. I don't have one now. Nothing I have done so far can't be undone with hard work and dedication. Someday I will fix my health and get back into shape, but I'm not putting any effort into doing that yet. Healthy male bodies produce more testosterone which is something I don't want right now. Testosterone increases sex drive and why on Earth would I want to increase my desire for something I already don't get? THAT would likely send me over the edge and into a padded room on the funny farm. No thanks. |
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Oct 31, 2019 15:24:44 GMT -5
h it would be nice if your wife would pick up the pace on the job search. FYI, if you divorced she'd quite possibly be eligible for ACA/Obamacare insurance at a subsidized rate probably if she's low income. And you don't have to be poverty-stricken to qualify for the subsidies. If providing health insurance for her is your big sticking point I would definitely check out healthcare.gov for more information on that. Sidebar: FYI I have ACA insurance. It's more expensive if you make more money but if you make more money hopefully you have health insurance through your employer. I unfortunately do not have employer insurance (or actually an employer) at this point. Fortunately my situation is such that I qualify for a subsidy so it works for me.
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 31, 2019 18:49:23 GMT -5
h it would be nice if your wife would pick up the pace on the job search. FYI, if you divorced she'd quite possibly be eligible for ACA/Obamacare insurance at a subsidized rate probably if she's low income. And you don't have to be poverty-stricken to qualify for the subsidies. If providing health insurance for her is your big sticking point I would definitely check out healthcare.gov for more information on that. Sidebar: FYI I have ACA insurance. It's more expensive if you make more money but if you make more money hopefully you have health insurance through your employer. I unfortunately do not have employer insurance (or actually an employer) at this point. Fortunately my situation is such that I qualify for a subsidy so it works for me. The way the laws are here, if the divorce is the reason for her needing new insurance, I am liable to pay for it. ACA doesn't make a difference here because of the way the laws are structured. One way or another, I end up paying for the insurance and that is separate and in addition to the alimony. I can't just get her the cheapest policy out there either. I would have to provide coverage equal to what she would lose and mine is very good. Trust me, I have researched the costs and expectations. This actual situation was the topic of a lengthy informational article provided by my union legal services. The health insurance issue is a common one so they focused on it in the last issue of our newsletter. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Oct 31, 2019 21:20:03 GMT -5
I don't profess to know much about divorce law in your jurisdiction Brother h . In fact I don't claim to know much about the law - generally - in your jurisdiction. Nor do I reckon I'm an expert on law in my own jurisdiction. For that matter I admit I am far from expert in regard to divorce law, even in my own jurisdiction. The most likely person in my jurisdiction to be across all the little nuances involved in a divorce action was - unsurprisingly - a lawyer in my jurisdiction. I consulted with such person, and quickly learned that she knew way more about the subject than I did, or ever would, and certainly knew a whole heap more than that firm "Facebook and Friends" or "Uncle Fred's anecdote about how he got hosed in his divorce". Some of the things she brought to light were to my advantage, some were not, but I sure as shit ended up fully informed about how a divorce would shake out for me and my situation in my jurisdiction. My first consultation with this lawyer was free* Brother h , from the get go when you joined the group you've been resistant to the idea of consulting a lawyer in your jurisdiction, for assorted reasons, mainly that you "can't afford to". I think you can't afford NOT to if you really want to sort this out. Footnote - the free* consultation above. The first consultation was indeed free. Went for about an hour, mainly fact gathering. Now as it shook out for me, I DID go the divorce option a while later, which involved further consultations, document preparation etc etc etc and the whole cost to me for this excellent advice and service I received was a tad over $1,200. Possibly the best $1,200 investment I ever made. |
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Oct 31, 2019 23:25:44 GMT -5
h, wait...you haven't even done a free lawyer consult yet? My friend...I hope you'll consider doing it SOON because your state of mind is very negative. That's understandable. You say you don't have a car. But heck, surely you can take an uber a taxi a bus or a lift from a friend to a lawyer's office! Your marriage sounds so very negative for both of you. From what I've heard so far, there's no hope of it ever being tolerable. You're young enough to have a whole life with a real wife. Don't waste precious time like so many of us have. That's my prayer for you.
|
|
