Anaphrodisiac

Yeah.... But my situation is weird. He'd rather I go elsewhere, and for about a year, I did... But it wasn't enough, and wasn't "right".

For one. I feel like if I am in a relationship, sex should be convenient. I shouldn't have to make a plan days to a week ahead of time with a friend to have sex. It just started to feel burdensome. Nothing being spur of the moment, and I honestly still want sex daily, and was only scheduling it once a month, since I don't have a driver's license, it made it a lot more difficult. If I could just get up and go meet them myself, at least some of the times, things would be easier. I felt guilty asking people to come get me, take me to a motel, take me back home, or even just to always have to come to my house. It just felt like an awkward situation, to me. Maybe, once I am finally able to get a copy of my birth certificate, and then can get a driver's license, it will make outsourcing easier.

Another issue I had with it was.... I had multiple partners. Over my lifetime, I have had HUNDREDS of sexual partners. It was not a big deal. I wasn't worried about anyone else's life much, except my own. Now I have a kid, and even though I have been very careful over the last year with the five different people I have had sex with, I kept worrying maybe being careful wasn't enough. Then, I had a physical a few months ago...

I had my blood taken for several tests and they called me back to talk about my results. All I could think was I was gonna have HIV or something. I was terrified waiting the two weeks to find out. It turned out I was not immune to measles - so I needed a booster, I had vitamin D levels at a 12, when they shouldn't be below 30, and I have fatty deposits in my liver, which should improve upon losing weight, but I have to go back for repeat testing in a few months to ensure the supplements are working, and to see if my liver seems to be improving, and hopefully both things are better.

I think living with that fear of wondering if, even though I've been very careful, if something was wrong with me because I decided to outsource to fulfill my sexual desires, just really fucked with my head. I mean, I have had sex with a lot of people in my lifetime, well over two hundred, and.... I don't want my luck to have run out. I won't take that risk. I gotta do right by my kid and put their life first... Kinda.

PLUS... I can barely masturbate anymore. I feel a deep sense of shame and disgust about it now. I don't know why. The last several months when I've masturbated, I've sometimes cried afterwards. I feel pathetic, having these needs that my partner refuses to be a part of. It makes me feel... Pathetic. I mean, that really is the best word for it. Just SOOOOOO fucking pathetic. I feel so alone, and hurt, and it's just not working for me. I don't know what to do about it. Just give up on pleasure? I mean..... It's depressing.

I'm going to talk to my doctor about it, and see what she recommends. I just.... I don't know. Want something.

Maybe I'll try outsourcing again in the future, but I just can't continue it right now.

There are certain drugs that lower sex drive - but usually that lowering is a side effect of a drug prescribed for something else.
Obvious example being some type of anti depressants .... where you are primarily taking the drug for depression and a side effect can be lowering your sex drive.

Whether a Doctor would prescribe such medication to you for a condition you don't have in the hope that you'd get the desired side effect may be a sticking point. It might be contrary to medical ethics to do so. Possibly there could be yet other side effects of an undesired nature too.

Brother vijay recently raised this question (from a blokes point of view) quite recently.

Probably the best idea would be to run all this by your Doctor and see what she suggests.

I would guess that many of us here have had the "if only I didn't want sex" thought. I was certainly there especially when I was younger and my libido was higher. But, and it's a big but, I think you would still find that your relationship is lacking if you could do what you suggest. It wouldn't be a fix, it would be a big bandaid simply covering up other things. As has been suggested, work on healing the things.

How close are you to menopause? I believe a significant part of my X's non desire was menopause. Up until she went through it she had a reasonably high libido. Maybe it's just a case of "keep on breathing".

I've been using weight gain to diminish my drive. I put on an extra 12 pounds and have noticed a lessened physical need. Alcohol also helps, but I can't do that all the time because of work. I tried chastetree berry supplements but it only worked for a while. Eventually I built up a tolerance for it and the effects didn't last. I'm not sure if any of this would work for women, but that's what I'm doing. I can't do mood or mind altering drugs like antidepressants because they would disqualify me from one of my jobs. Also, I've heard that some of those drugs can cause permanent changes to drive even after you stop taking them. I only want to temporarily turn it off. If I ever get out of my SM, I don't want to risk losing it forever.